the 5-6 mile walk
i'd rather not post a depressing post, but today was depressing.
i woke up and went to work. i never feel like i'm the best at work. i hate that. i use to be an overachiever and now i'm told i need to pay attention to detail and focus at work. my boss expects a little too much out of all of us who work in the cafe and for the work we do, we don't get paid enough. we don't get tips either unless some kind souls wish to go out of their way to tip us.
i have this alert program that i have to attend every tuesday night from 6-8 for my dui. well anyways, i was suppose to get a ride from chessca, but she never called me back, and i called everyone i knew who would be able to give me a ride once i got to palm springs by bus, and they couldn't. so i took the bus and then walked from hwy111/ gene autry all the way to alert program. that means i walked all the way down gene autry(sort of highway traffic mind you), passed knotts berry farm oasis..passed the animal shelter and knocked on the door that is covered in information about Drunk Driving..etc. No one answered. Then this lady opened the door and told me i was 15 mins late and that i couldn't attend the class. i already was crying, i wish i would have said something like i just walked a mile to get here, but i didn't. i just said "ok, i'm sorry," and walked away crying again. i don't really understand why this is happening to me. i was talking to myself the whole way up gene autry going on and on about "how the fuck is this building character?? I'm building corns!!!!", and "why wouldn't dad at least turn around on indian avenue while he was going home to dhs to help me out?" it really sucks everyone has their own agenda and has no time to help me. no time to help anyone but themselves...ehh i can only help myself so much, and then i get dismissed at the door. after i left, i talked more to myself and decided to go try to adopt an animal at the shelter. at least i would be getting my mind off my problems, and would be saving some innocent creature that needed love just as much as i do. this would help me to not focus on my stupid stupid pointless meaningless no one cares about me problems. well it closed at 4 so that didn't help that just made me cry more as i walked away hearing the dogs yelp. you see, i don't want to have destructive behavior again. I don't want to be pessimistic about this world, I want to help it. As i crossed el cielo/ramon i thought about doing drugs...i saw a hydroponics shop and considered going in, but what would be the point. it's not like smoking or looking at bud would make this feeling dissappear. i'd just be suppressing this anger at my family,at the world, at this whole situation.so i walked and walked and cried and cried...i turned towards the airport and walked past the airport..wishing i could've been in one of those planes. i stopped at the ps/riverside courthouse and sat on the steps. i read the newspaper crying again, and threw a fuck you to the goverment. i walked to jack in the ass and ate there...spending part of the $22 i didn't use on my fucking dui class. when you miss a dui class you have to pay $80 for missing plus the $22 for the class. thats what i am most upset about. its not like money comes out of my ass and i tried my very best to get to the right destination in the quickest time possible and it wasn't good enough. you know, i'm trying really really trying soooooooo hard to be realllyyyyy reallllllyyy good. i mean i make the biggest effort to be kind to people, i try to talk to god everyday, try to call my mom everyday, try to live in a positive way and in the right mindset everyday, and it just isn't good enough...somehow..SOMEWAY.i have to have some fucking shit go on...or i have to LOOOSEEE something. I ALWAYS HAVE TO LOOSSSEEE SOMETHING. I've lost enough already ...isn't it time for quits!!!! I'm so tired of loosing things that i just want to curl up in a ball with absolutely nothing on so no one can take anything away from me. NO ONE, and or NOTHING COULD!
Then there is that torturous feeling of lonliness. That no one really cares. That i will be alone. That i am alone. That i am not worth loving.
I want someone to see how much love i could give them. I'm so full of love. I just want to baby and hold and nuture someone soo baddd. I want someone ..infact...I NEED someone. I need someone so bad to come into my life and enhance each day.
<----------------------This is the neverending stupid solution i think I need whenever shit happens and i'm alone. BUT I DO NEED IT, IM LONELY! SHIT! I'm not depressed, I'm happy that I'm alive. I just get down sometimes like a normal human being. I WAS WAYYYY TOO COMPASSIONATE TODAY THAT IT DESTROYED ME. I saw trash all along the outskirts of the open desert and told the earth i was sorry. "I'm sorry I fuck you up earth." IM SORRY WE ARE IGNORANT AND PARASITICAL AND WE USE OUR BRILLIANT MINDS TO FUCK YOU UP MORE!
WHY DO I HAVE A HEART! WHY IS IT BIG! WHY? fuck!
this is the end of this entry..i feel this overwelming saddness always for life. I also feeel joy, but today it rained.
i woke up and went to work. i never feel like i'm the best at work. i hate that. i use to be an overachiever and now i'm told i need to pay attention to detail and focus at work. my boss expects a little too much out of all of us who work in the cafe and for the work we do, we don't get paid enough. we don't get tips either unless some kind souls wish to go out of their way to tip us.
i have this alert program that i have to attend every tuesday night from 6-8 for my dui. well anyways, i was suppose to get a ride from chessca, but she never called me back, and i called everyone i knew who would be able to give me a ride once i got to palm springs by bus, and they couldn't. so i took the bus and then walked from hwy111/ gene autry all the way to alert program. that means i walked all the way down gene autry(sort of highway traffic mind you), passed knotts berry farm oasis..passed the animal shelter and knocked on the door that is covered in information about Drunk Driving..etc. No one answered. Then this lady opened the door and told me i was 15 mins late and that i couldn't attend the class. i already was crying, i wish i would have said something like i just walked a mile to get here, but i didn't. i just said "ok, i'm sorry," and walked away crying again. i don't really understand why this is happening to me. i was talking to myself the whole way up gene autry going on and on about "how the fuck is this building character?? I'm building corns!!!!", and "why wouldn't dad at least turn around on indian avenue while he was going home to dhs to help me out?" it really sucks everyone has their own agenda and has no time to help me. no time to help anyone but themselves...ehh i can only help myself so much, and then i get dismissed at the door. after i left, i talked more to myself and decided to go try to adopt an animal at the shelter. at least i would be getting my mind off my problems, and would be saving some innocent creature that needed love just as much as i do. this would help me to not focus on my stupid stupid pointless meaningless no one cares about me problems. well it closed at 4 so that didn't help that just made me cry more as i walked away hearing the dogs yelp. you see, i don't want to have destructive behavior again. I don't want to be pessimistic about this world, I want to help it. As i crossed el cielo/ramon i thought about doing drugs...i saw a hydroponics shop and considered going in, but what would be the point. it's not like smoking or looking at bud would make this feeling dissappear. i'd just be suppressing this anger at my family,at the world, at this whole situation.so i walked and walked and cried and cried...i turned towards the airport and walked past the airport..wishing i could've been in one of those planes. i stopped at the ps/riverside courthouse and sat on the steps. i read the newspaper crying again, and threw a fuck you to the goverment. i walked to jack in the ass and ate there...spending part of the $22 i didn't use on my fucking dui class. when you miss a dui class you have to pay $80 for missing plus the $22 for the class. thats what i am most upset about. its not like money comes out of my ass and i tried my very best to get to the right destination in the quickest time possible and it wasn't good enough. you know, i'm trying really really trying soooooooo hard to be realllyyyyy reallllllyyy good. i mean i make the biggest effort to be kind to people, i try to talk to god everyday, try to call my mom everyday, try to live in a positive way and in the right mindset everyday, and it just isn't good enough...somehow..SOMEWAY.i have to have some fucking shit go on...or i have to LOOOSEEE something. I ALWAYS HAVE TO LOOSSSEEE SOMETHING. I've lost enough already ...isn't it time for quits!!!! I'm so tired of loosing things that i just want to curl up in a ball with absolutely nothing on so no one can take anything away from me. NO ONE, and or NOTHING COULD!
Then there is that torturous feeling of lonliness. That no one really cares. That i will be alone. That i am alone. That i am not worth loving.
I want someone to see how much love i could give them. I'm so full of love. I just want to baby and hold and nuture someone soo baddd. I want someone ..infact...I NEED someone. I need someone so bad to come into my life and enhance each day.
<----------------------This is the neverending stupid solution i think I need whenever shit happens and i'm alone. BUT I DO NEED IT, IM LONELY! SHIT! I'm not depressed, I'm happy that I'm alive. I just get down sometimes like a normal human being. I WAS WAYYYY TOO COMPASSIONATE TODAY THAT IT DESTROYED ME. I saw trash all along the outskirts of the open desert and told the earth i was sorry. "I'm sorry I fuck you up earth." IM SORRY WE ARE IGNORANT AND PARASITICAL AND WE USE OUR BRILLIANT MINDS TO FUCK YOU UP MORE!
WHY DO I HAVE A HEART! WHY IS IT BIG! WHY? fuck!
this is the end of this entry..i feel this overwelming saddness always for life. I also feeel joy, but today it rained.