(no subject)
When this feelig hits, it hits hard and it stays for a really long time. I find myself purposly distancing myself from others just so they don't have something to talk about. I hate being the topic of conversation when I do nothing to put myself in that situation. I block out way to many emotions from other people only to feel sad about what I'm feeling. I perfer to be alone or with 1 other person. People that I surround myself around are the complete opposite and need to have at least 2 or more people with them to make them feel good all the time. Whatever happened to being alone with your own thoughts. I believe that once you have more than 2 people together, that's where the un-needed drama starts.. The talking about people behind their backs instead of talking to them to their face to ask if they are alright.. Instead, they make stuff up and think something is wrong with you.. Most of the time something is wrong, but it doesn't have to wrong in a bad sense and there are just some people out there that make it out to be a bad thing. It's different, it's not bad.
I find myself wanting to go home really bad lately. I want to march one more season of winterguard. I really really do... I want that feeling of what I had back.. I'm not ready to take the next steps in life again.. I've been there but now I need to go back just for a short time. Will it happen? Probably not but I know I need to feel the comfort of something back in my life ASAP.
I get this sense of depression the hardest whenever a season changes. It's nice in FL, you would think I should be happy with the sun shining down on me... But it's not that... It's the fact of what feels comfortable to me at each point in time during each season. I don't have those comforts anymore in FL.. I want to go apple picking. It brings back memories but I want to create better happier memories of the future.. I want to be happy where I grew up and make my life better than it was while I was growing up there. I want my children to have childhood friends for their entire life which was something I don't have and ever will have. I've got great friends and best friends but I wish I could say that they have been my best friend since I was in middle school.... I probably talk to 2 people that I went to middle school with....... My best friends in middle school became my enemies in high school.. It's amazing how your "friends" when you were young could treat you a certain way and expect you to stay once you were surrounded by others that actually cared about you.
Growing up I had my outlet.. I had colorguard. It brought me away from the worries of school, friends, family... It was something that kept me going in more ways than one.. I am who I am today because of colorguard. I think one of the reasons why I didn't hang on to my middle school friends is because they knew to much of who I was and not who I wanted to be. They saw me go through all my hard times but only made things worse. Sometimes I feel like it's hard to get close to anyone because I'm one of those people that would rather be alone instead of with a huge group of people. I love going out, I love hanging out but only when I WANT TO.. That's the issue... I'm not a typical friend.. I don't need to hang out with people everyday to know that they care about me or I care about them. I worry about myself so much more now than I ever did before. I guess that's a good thing because it used to be the opposite where I only worried about other people instead of myself. Now the tables have turned and I finally realized if I want to be happy in life I need to make myself happy and that others can help make you happy but they don't make your happiness for you, they just add to it.
I like when I read other peoples journals because it helps me realize that, I'm not the only one that has these types of thoughts, these type of needs if that's what I can call them. It's the constant want and need for things but never exactly knowing what I want or what I need is. It's not love, I have love. I am completely in love.. It's not friends because I have friends but I guess it's just the fact of not having those friends here with me. You realize who you want to keep in your life and who you don't want to keep in your life once you get older.. It happens and I'm grateful to know everyone I want to have kept in my life from back home is still there and waiting for me to come back!
Having family issues back home never helps ease the mind either. It can be the cause of many mood swings that can't be explained. I hate saying good bye because I feel like I will see you again.. My boss left last week and before I left work I didn't say good bye.. I wrote in her card saying, that I was bad at good byes because it's not a good bye because I will see her again, I will write her again.. If you are that important to me then the good byes are the hardest thing. Hanging out with friends from home when I go to visit is always hard because sometimes we don't know how to act because we know again that the good bye is going to come faster then we want it to.. It's like that with anyone that you don't see for along time and that you miss.. I hate saying good bye to my dad whenever i see him.. I dread it because I know that I will see him again.. but what happens if I don't see these people again and I missed out on saying good bye? I don't want to call my grandfather because I'm scared to hear how he sounds... I'm not scared that it's going to be sickly, I'm scared that it's going to be my normal happy grandfather with NOTHING wrong with him and it's going to make the sad thoughts hurt that much more to know that he's sick but he doesn't act like it.. That he's happy and wants everyone else to be happy around him when really, I'm sure he's scared to death and more worried about what others are worried about then he is.. I guess it's a Dufault thing.. To act like nothing is wrong when inside you are tearing apart.
It's been along time since I wrote to find out what my mind is thinking about and what has been really bothering me... Sometimes this pin points it completely, other times there is so much more left inside my head but I can't find the words to express it.. Right now, I feel like there is so much more that I can't express.. I realized I don't want to be taking the medicine anymore because it's not really helping in the sense that I want it to help in.. I do believe it helped a lot because since I haven't been taking it I've been flipping out a lot more than I wish I was... But it's not something I want to be taking.. Having Dave not be completely okay with it doesn't help either... But, I am doing it for myself and not for him....
Well, now that I just spent 30 mins of my work time on my thoughts, I guess I will go back to work..
I find myself wanting to go home really bad lately. I want to march one more season of winterguard. I really really do... I want that feeling of what I had back.. I'm not ready to take the next steps in life again.. I've been there but now I need to go back just for a short time. Will it happen? Probably not but I know I need to feel the comfort of something back in my life ASAP.
I get this sense of depression the hardest whenever a season changes. It's nice in FL, you would think I should be happy with the sun shining down on me... But it's not that... It's the fact of what feels comfortable to me at each point in time during each season. I don't have those comforts anymore in FL.. I want to go apple picking. It brings back memories but I want to create better happier memories of the future.. I want to be happy where I grew up and make my life better than it was while I was growing up there. I want my children to have childhood friends for their entire life which was something I don't have and ever will have. I've got great friends and best friends but I wish I could say that they have been my best friend since I was in middle school.... I probably talk to 2 people that I went to middle school with....... My best friends in middle school became my enemies in high school.. It's amazing how your "friends" when you were young could treat you a certain way and expect you to stay once you were surrounded by others that actually cared about you.
Growing up I had my outlet.. I had colorguard. It brought me away from the worries of school, friends, family... It was something that kept me going in more ways than one.. I am who I am today because of colorguard. I think one of the reasons why I didn't hang on to my middle school friends is because they knew to much of who I was and not who I wanted to be. They saw me go through all my hard times but only made things worse. Sometimes I feel like it's hard to get close to anyone because I'm one of those people that would rather be alone instead of with a huge group of people. I love going out, I love hanging out but only when I WANT TO.. That's the issue... I'm not a typical friend.. I don't need to hang out with people everyday to know that they care about me or I care about them. I worry about myself so much more now than I ever did before. I guess that's a good thing because it used to be the opposite where I only worried about other people instead of myself. Now the tables have turned and I finally realized if I want to be happy in life I need to make myself happy and that others can help make you happy but they don't make your happiness for you, they just add to it.
I like when I read other peoples journals because it helps me realize that, I'm not the only one that has these types of thoughts, these type of needs if that's what I can call them. It's the constant want and need for things but never exactly knowing what I want or what I need is. It's not love, I have love. I am completely in love.. It's not friends because I have friends but I guess it's just the fact of not having those friends here with me. You realize who you want to keep in your life and who you don't want to keep in your life once you get older.. It happens and I'm grateful to know everyone I want to have kept in my life from back home is still there and waiting for me to come back!
Having family issues back home never helps ease the mind either. It can be the cause of many mood swings that can't be explained. I hate saying good bye because I feel like I will see you again.. My boss left last week and before I left work I didn't say good bye.. I wrote in her card saying, that I was bad at good byes because it's not a good bye because I will see her again, I will write her again.. If you are that important to me then the good byes are the hardest thing. Hanging out with friends from home when I go to visit is always hard because sometimes we don't know how to act because we know again that the good bye is going to come faster then we want it to.. It's like that with anyone that you don't see for along time and that you miss.. I hate saying good bye to my dad whenever i see him.. I dread it because I know that I will see him again.. but what happens if I don't see these people again and I missed out on saying good bye? I don't want to call my grandfather because I'm scared to hear how he sounds... I'm not scared that it's going to be sickly, I'm scared that it's going to be my normal happy grandfather with NOTHING wrong with him and it's going to make the sad thoughts hurt that much more to know that he's sick but he doesn't act like it.. That he's happy and wants everyone else to be happy around him when really, I'm sure he's scared to death and more worried about what others are worried about then he is.. I guess it's a Dufault thing.. To act like nothing is wrong when inside you are tearing apart.
It's been along time since I wrote to find out what my mind is thinking about and what has been really bothering me... Sometimes this pin points it completely, other times there is so much more left inside my head but I can't find the words to express it.. Right now, I feel like there is so much more that I can't express.. I realized I don't want to be taking the medicine anymore because it's not really helping in the sense that I want it to help in.. I do believe it helped a lot because since I haven't been taking it I've been flipping out a lot more than I wish I was... But it's not something I want to be taking.. Having Dave not be completely okay with it doesn't help either... But, I am doing it for myself and not for him....
Well, now that I just spent 30 mins of my work time on my thoughts, I guess I will go back to work..