TL;DR Emo-ish rantings and such.
Well, the house is silent, as are all my instant messengers. I feel so cut off and isolated from everyone as if I've been put in quarantine. Is this because you all saw the darkness slowly taking hold on my heart?Is this all an effort to stem the tides of desolation so that the rest of you may be safe and sound?
If this is indeed what I think it is, then that is fine. I'll be the one to life in the darkness, silently being enveloped by those shadows you all fear. I'll stay here as a stoic guardian, watching out for you all from the void and shouldering the burden of your sorrows, fears, pains. Mayhaps this is my true purpose in life? Was I chosen to be a 'waste lock', holding back the waves of despair and all that chaos which could easily engulf and destroy everyone and everything I once held dear?
It would make sense, after all. I've always been the kind that was in my prime when I was of service to others, and what better way to serve others than to forfeit my happiness, my joy, my very essence of being, just so that even one other person may be able to take all that positive energy and be happier themselves. At least that way when I die I can remove pure negative energy with myself. ... ... ... sigh.
In other news, I have some ranting I need to get out. Probably just going to list them and expand on them as I go.
1. Don't freaking tell me you are going to do something if you actually aren't going to, like hanging out with me during the (now very rare) window of time where you actually have a chance. If you don't want to see me just say it instead of filling my head and heart with hopes of something that will never come. Do you not see how torturous that is?
2. Bringing my past relationships and amount of sexual partners into an equation where they are irrelevant is insulting. Just because I've been with more people than you doesn't mean that I lied when I said I could go without anyone else.I was ready to cast aside all others for you, but I guess that all I did to change for the better didn't mean shit to you. I never lied, never wandered,, yet you assume I did just because I did ONE time in my past many years back when I was younger and immature. You say you couldn't trust me, but it was you who lied to me, you who hurt me, and even through it all I was willing to give you a second chance. Guess my feelings were useless to you after all.
3. I'm always told' "Let your feelings out, communicate with others, let us know whats wrong." Whenever I DO that I am either told to stop whining, or that someone else has it worse, or that me being upset or sad is selfish and I need to just grow the fuck up. It comes as no surprise to me that for the first 17ish years of my life I behaved much like a robot, null of all emotions and opinions, doing only what was asked of me and wanting nothing in return. I'm sorry that it is so wrong of me to long to just be treated as everyone else.
4. Just because I ask you one stupid little question that is easily answered with either 'Yes' or 'No', you now are actively ignoring me. Really what was so wrong in me being curious about a certain circumstance? Was my inquiry so insulting that you no longer wish to speak to me? Well, me lamenting will do little difference as you're not speaking to me anyways.
5. Theres more, but I'm running out of steam to vent with. Maybe that last of my Jager will loosen my tongue some...
tl;dr If you're going to comment on this at all and its along the lines of anything I mentioned in #3, its probably best you just not say it. I've heard it enough times from most everyone and I'll probably snap at you for it. We all have times we need to vent, and I've been trying my best to not vent in such a long time due to only ever getting negative feedback for it.
If this is indeed what I think it is, then that is fine. I'll be the one to life in the darkness, silently being enveloped by those shadows you all fear. I'll stay here as a stoic guardian, watching out for you all from the void and shouldering the burden of your sorrows, fears, pains. Mayhaps this is my true purpose in life? Was I chosen to be a 'waste lock', holding back the waves of despair and all that chaos which could easily engulf and destroy everyone and everything I once held dear?
It would make sense, after all. I've always been the kind that was in my prime when I was of service to others, and what better way to serve others than to forfeit my happiness, my joy, my very essence of being, just so that even one other person may be able to take all that positive energy and be happier themselves. At least that way when I die I can remove pure negative energy with myself. ... ... ... sigh.
In other news, I have some ranting I need to get out. Probably just going to list them and expand on them as I go.
1. Don't freaking tell me you are going to do something if you actually aren't going to, like hanging out with me during the (now very rare) window of time where you actually have a chance. If you don't want to see me just say it instead of filling my head and heart with hopes of something that will never come. Do you not see how torturous that is?
2. Bringing my past relationships and amount of sexual partners into an equation where they are irrelevant is insulting. Just because I've been with more people than you doesn't mean that I lied when I said I could go without anyone else.I was ready to cast aside all others for you, but I guess that all I did to change for the better didn't mean shit to you. I never lied, never wandered,, yet you assume I did just because I did ONE time in my past many years back when I was younger and immature. You say you couldn't trust me, but it was you who lied to me, you who hurt me, and even through it all I was willing to give you a second chance. Guess my feelings were useless to you after all.
3. I'm always told' "Let your feelings out, communicate with others, let us know whats wrong." Whenever I DO that I am either told to stop whining, or that someone else has it worse, or that me being upset or sad is selfish and I need to just grow the fuck up. It comes as no surprise to me that for the first 17ish years of my life I behaved much like a robot, null of all emotions and opinions, doing only what was asked of me and wanting nothing in return. I'm sorry that it is so wrong of me to long to just be treated as everyone else.
4. Just because I ask you one stupid little question that is easily answered with either 'Yes' or 'No', you now are actively ignoring me. Really what was so wrong in me being curious about a certain circumstance? Was my inquiry so insulting that you no longer wish to speak to me? Well, me lamenting will do little difference as you're not speaking to me anyways.
5. Theres more, but I'm running out of steam to vent with. Maybe that last of my Jager will loosen my tongue some...
tl;dr If you're going to comment on this at all and its along the lines of anything I mentioned in #3, its probably best you just not say it. I've heard it enough times from most everyone and I'll probably snap at you for it. We all have times we need to vent, and I've been trying my best to not vent in such a long time due to only ever getting negative feedback for it.