(no subject)
I've been in kind of a haze today. Its the last week of school. I'm moving into a new apartment. I have no furniture, just luggage. My mom thinks my dad is having an affair. My scholarship check hasn't cleared for some reason which makes me nervous because I signed over 3600 in checks for tomorrow. I have so much work today and absolutely no desire or interest in doing it. I've had so much anxiety lately. Last night as I was hanging out with my friend Tiffany and this girl I don't even know, who knows everybody I do and thinking that because of this I already knew what I was just about to find out, told me that one of my friends had slept with my ex. Hello. That is so against the rules. Isn't that like rule #1 in the friends book? No scamming on my sloppy seconds. Well, neither of them ever had the balls to tell me anything about it. Needless to say I have officially cut them both out of my life. Last week I was like having crying anxiety attacks cause things were too good and I was like oh no, oh no things are going to fall apart. The bottom is going to fall out because I don't deserve these good things. Self-fulfilling prophecy. I gotta get rid of that tiny little monster in me that is like, "You don't deserve good things". All I could think today is how awful I must really be that now the bottom is kind of falling out. I've had so many fucked up people in my life now for years... just a trail of them one after the other. But really, I'm the common denominator. So I don't know but hopefully tomorrow I can start fresh... in a new apartment, new friends, new day, new life. I can really close this chapter of my life and move confidently into the next phase. This will be the new self-fulfilling prophecy.