(no subject)
This is so stupid, you know, so freaking stupid because... because it's been months and he's seeing someone else and she might even be pregnant and... but at times, god, at times all I can think of for a splitting second is that he promised, he fucking promised and he... he fucking promised and I know, fuck, I know I'm gonna get over it and I know I'm gonna forget but for those horrible seconds it's like I can't, like no matter what my brain tells me my chest still hurts and my eyes still water and I can't seem to let it go, allow myself to forget it and all I can think, fuck, all I can think of is the things he said, how he said the last time I saw him that seeing me in the airport just made it that much more difficult for me, the email he wrote ages ago when he told me he was looking for a ring and he... fuck. I can't seem to. I know it's stupid, I do, I fucking do but ... it's like I'm stuck in here, in this feeling and I want out I want out so fucking much. If I could do something, drink this or say that and forget it all, forget all that time all those years, even if I forget something that makes me me, I'd do it. Sounds stupid and maybe all kinds of fucked up, but I'd do it, I don't care. I'd do it. Because even if it's not always, it's still there, still in me, the feeling of failure of having lost something that was mine and now it's not and it's so fucked but I can't help it.
I'm better than before, fuck, I know that, but that doesn't mean I'm good, that I'm finally right. I'm not. And sometimes, in moments like this, yeah, it feels like I never will be, that this thing is gonna stay with me, forever, always, that I will be with someone else and always find them lacking, always compare and never be enough and fuck, that's so stupid and so melodramatic and I hate it, but how do I change how I feel if that's what I feel?
I'm better now, yes, losing my gran put things into perspective, yeah, and that hurts a million times worse than this hurts, and I know that, but I can't quite touch that either, because if I do, I start crying and I can't stop. Then again, I still can't listen to Maroon 5's "Never gonna leave this bed" without my heart breaking a little bit more, so, yeah.
This week hasn't been good, I've thought about this every single day, for reasons I don't quite get. But I've told myself... and this might even be more stupid but I don't quite care, I told myself, before the asshole, I was sure I was in love with this other guy. Alvaro. He was, well, whatever, we were never really together but I loved him, or thought I loved him, and even though I loved talking to him on the phone, each time we'd hang up, it would break me because I wanted him and I didn't have him, he was just my friend. I was like that for a year and a half. So a year and a half for a guy I was never even with, so this ten months in relation to all the time I was with him, it's not that long, it's not nearly long enough to be over him.
The reason I forgot Alvaro was because I started talking to the asshole. Maybe... maybe if I start liking another guy, I'd forget about the asshole. Maybe. I just... I just wanna forget, you know? Even if I forget other stuff, I just really really wanna forget.
I'm better than before, fuck, I know that, but that doesn't mean I'm good, that I'm finally right. I'm not. And sometimes, in moments like this, yeah, it feels like I never will be, that this thing is gonna stay with me, forever, always, that I will be with someone else and always find them lacking, always compare and never be enough and fuck, that's so stupid and so melodramatic and I hate it, but how do I change how I feel if that's what I feel?
I'm better now, yes, losing my gran put things into perspective, yeah, and that hurts a million times worse than this hurts, and I know that, but I can't quite touch that either, because if I do, I start crying and I can't stop. Then again, I still can't listen to Maroon 5's "Never gonna leave this bed" without my heart breaking a little bit more, so, yeah.
This week hasn't been good, I've thought about this every single day, for reasons I don't quite get. But I've told myself... and this might even be more stupid but I don't quite care, I told myself, before the asshole, I was sure I was in love with this other guy. Alvaro. He was, well, whatever, we were never really together but I loved him, or thought I loved him, and even though I loved talking to him on the phone, each time we'd hang up, it would break me because I wanted him and I didn't have him, he was just my friend. I was like that for a year and a half. So a year and a half for a guy I was never even with, so this ten months in relation to all the time I was with him, it's not that long, it's not nearly long enough to be over him.
The reason I forgot Alvaro was because I started talking to the asshole. Maybe... maybe if I start liking another guy, I'd forget about the asshole. Maybe. I just... I just wanna forget, you know? Even if I forget other stuff, I just really really wanna forget.