(no subject)
Sometimes... sometimes, not often, but sometimes, I'm sure it's my fault. I'm just certain that it's my fault. I did something wrong, I must have, because we were solid and then we weren't. I pushed too hard, probably, asked too much. Demanded and pushed and wanted and he got tired and he let go and then I couldn't even hold on any longer and I let go too. I think it's my fault because maybe I shouldn't have asked him to come back. I should have offered to go there, over and over again, until he accepted it. I should have, I don't know, I should have quit my job and bought a ticket and surprised him or something, like you see in the movies, chosen him over my job and my life here, like I was asking him to do, maybe. I don't know. Maybe it is my fault.
I don't... I don't know. I just. I don't know why I'm thinking so much about this, have this past week. Not every moment, no, thank work for that, but often enough, more often that I have the past two months. I don't know. I just... I just wanna stop, though.
When it hurts like this, a little bit numb but also a bit painful, when it hurts like this, I wanna call him. I wanna call him and say that I'm sorry, that I'll give it a shot, that I'll try it his way, with him over there and me over here, I'll try it anyway he wants if he just... if we can just be how we were, how we used to be, that in love and that happy, way back when. but it's so stupid because, god, I don't think we were, I don't think he was, that in love with me, at least for about a year, maybe since he got back there since his last vacation here. So that's stupid but god, I wanna call him and see if he's hurting as much as I am, half as much as I am, if he maybe wants to try it again, wants to fix this, just doesn't know how, doesn't know how to ask me, how to tell me, and I have to be the one to have the words, again, like always, like we always have. Maybe he wants to give it a shot and come back but he doesn't know how to tell me that and I just... I just wanna know. But god, I'm so scared because being rejected by him hurts like a son of a bitch and I don't wanna hurt like that again. I don't wanna call him only to hear him with that voice, like whatever it is I say it's stupid and meaningless and he couldn't care less. I don't wanna ask only to be spat in the face again. So I don't call. I won't call.
I just... I just wish, though. Stupid, huh?
I don't... I don't know. I just. I don't know why I'm thinking so much about this, have this past week. Not every moment, no, thank work for that, but often enough, more often that I have the past two months. I don't know. I just... I just wanna stop, though.
When it hurts like this, a little bit numb but also a bit painful, when it hurts like this, I wanna call him. I wanna call him and say that I'm sorry, that I'll give it a shot, that I'll try it his way, with him over there and me over here, I'll try it anyway he wants if he just... if we can just be how we were, how we used to be, that in love and that happy, way back when. but it's so stupid because, god, I don't think we were, I don't think he was, that in love with me, at least for about a year, maybe since he got back there since his last vacation here. So that's stupid but god, I wanna call him and see if he's hurting as much as I am, half as much as I am, if he maybe wants to try it again, wants to fix this, just doesn't know how, doesn't know how to ask me, how to tell me, and I have to be the one to have the words, again, like always, like we always have. Maybe he wants to give it a shot and come back but he doesn't know how to tell me that and I just... I just wanna know. But god, I'm so scared because being rejected by him hurts like a son of a bitch and I don't wanna hurt like that again. I don't wanna call him only to hear him with that voice, like whatever it is I say it's stupid and meaningless and he couldn't care less. I don't wanna ask only to be spat in the face again. So I don't call. I won't call.
I just... I just wish, though. Stupid, huh?