(no subject)
Sometimes it feels like I'm never gonna fall in love again. Pathetic, I know, please don't mention it. I'm saying this here because I have to say it somewhere, and believe it or not, this is as close to a dear diary that I'm ever going to get. You all, everyone that's out there, reading and maybe never commenting (god knows why you'd read, my life is boring and two thirds of the time very pathetic) or just waiting for a fic to be posted when it's me being depressed, but, still, you all are the ones that hear the truth, undiluted, fresh and usually not only from my fingertips but mostly with tears in my eyes as well.
It feels like... like every amazing smallville fic, when you know that Clark and Lex can't seem to make it work, but they are meant to be together and that's what makes it so painfully great. Just like that. He lied to me, so horribly, over and over again, each and every time I asked when he came back and he said soon and in six months and I bought it, hook line and sinker, and he must have been laughing his fucking ass off behind my back. Poor pathetic Johana that bought all his lies because she loved him so. He must have been laughing and I wanna tell myself that he couldn't, he would never, because he wasn't like that. But really, how much of "he wasn't like that" was because he really wasn't like that and how much was it because I just put him on a pedestal and was certain he was a better person than me.
He lied to me, at least I know that for a fact. Beyond the coming back bullshit. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but a couple of weeks back I went to a friend's brand new apartment and her husband was there, and I had totally forgotten that he had been schoolmates with Jose. He said, god, he said "and you were his first girlfriend" and I mentioned that no, I was his fifth. He laughed. He asked how old we'd been when we started dating, eighteen, about six months out of school, and he laughed and said that of course I had been his first girlfriend because he hadn't had a date, let alone a girl, back in school. And of course the guy was sure, they (him and his friends) used to torture him (well, pick on him) when they were in school, because Jose was just that much of a nerd.
He lied about something as simple as having a past. He didn't. He never had. And I believe Mickey because I still remember which girls from school had boyfriends, which didn't, which wish they had. I know that, and of course he knew that about the asshat. He lied, even though I told him the truth and told him that he was my first boyfriend. He lied and he let me believe it.
I'm okay. I mean, it still hurts, but just because I break down and come here and pour it all out, that doesn't mean I'm like this every day. I'm not! I'm very good. I'm enjoying my life, having fun, tomorrow I'm getting my new blackberry 9100 even if it kills me. I'm stressfree and happy for the first time in god knows how long, you know? It's just... sometimes, like right now, it just kinda hits me all at once and it hurts. And like I said, I have to write it here, because you're the ones that listen. Or at least read and only snort. *g*
I can't tell Flavia, because it's stupid, nor Karen because she hated him from the getgo. Pedro, well, you know the history there, and Milagros will just say that it will go away. I know that. I just. I like being able to say it and just let it all go, out there, not weighting me down.
That said, off to bed. It's late. Thanks for listening.
It feels like... like every amazing smallville fic, when you know that Clark and Lex can't seem to make it work, but they are meant to be together and that's what makes it so painfully great. Just like that. He lied to me, so horribly, over and over again, each and every time I asked when he came back and he said soon and in six months and I bought it, hook line and sinker, and he must have been laughing his fucking ass off behind my back. Poor pathetic Johana that bought all his lies because she loved him so. He must have been laughing and I wanna tell myself that he couldn't, he would never, because he wasn't like that. But really, how much of "he wasn't like that" was because he really wasn't like that and how much was it because I just put him on a pedestal and was certain he was a better person than me.
He lied to me, at least I know that for a fact. Beyond the coming back bullshit. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but a couple of weeks back I went to a friend's brand new apartment and her husband was there, and I had totally forgotten that he had been schoolmates with Jose. He said, god, he said "and you were his first girlfriend" and I mentioned that no, I was his fifth. He laughed. He asked how old we'd been when we started dating, eighteen, about six months out of school, and he laughed and said that of course I had been his first girlfriend because he hadn't had a date, let alone a girl, back in school. And of course the guy was sure, they (him and his friends) used to torture him (well, pick on him) when they were in school, because Jose was just that much of a nerd.
He lied about something as simple as having a past. He didn't. He never had. And I believe Mickey because I still remember which girls from school had boyfriends, which didn't, which wish they had. I know that, and of course he knew that about the asshat. He lied, even though I told him the truth and told him that he was my first boyfriend. He lied and he let me believe it.
I'm okay. I mean, it still hurts, but just because I break down and come here and pour it all out, that doesn't mean I'm like this every day. I'm not! I'm very good. I'm enjoying my life, having fun, tomorrow I'm getting my new blackberry 9100 even if it kills me. I'm stressfree and happy for the first time in god knows how long, you know? It's just... sometimes, like right now, it just kinda hits me all at once and it hurts. And like I said, I have to write it here, because you're the ones that listen. Or at least read and only snort. *g*
I can't tell Flavia, because it's stupid, nor Karen because she hated him from the getgo. Pedro, well, you know the history there, and Milagros will just say that it will go away. I know that. I just. I like being able to say it and just let it all go, out there, not weighting me down.
That said, off to bed. It's late. Thanks for listening.