(no subject)
I don't know how to do this. I really don't.
After that very weird email on Sunday (I mean, really, I thought ... nevermind), I mean, he asked me point blank to call him yesterday morning.
So the idiot I am, I did, I called him. It's... it's weird as hell. I mean, I called him, not sure what to expect.
He didn't sound nice or happy that I called. He sounded, just kinda plain and good, but plain anyway. So I told him that I was on my way to embark and he said okay and then he said take care and that alone, man, I'm pathetic really because just that he said "take care" made me smile like the moron that I am. And I was thinking about telling him, "I love you", mostly thinking and doubting if I should say it because it hurts like a son of a bitch when I say it and he doesn't answer back, and I was just standing there hoping to hell that the second I say it, he'll answer back and it would feel real and then he goes and says, "okay, then, talk to you later."
And just like that, bum, totally fucked. I'm so.... I'm an moron, no two ways about it.
There I was, hoping that maybe... nevermind. So I said, "Yeah, talk to you later." And I hung up and that was it.
That was it.
That's our relationship now. This is our fucked relationship and I really gotta stop writing about it because I'm in an office, damn it, and I can't start crying like a little girl. So I hung up and by the time I got back, it was already 4.30pm (almost midnight over there, and he tells me he's been going to bed early) and I still had a few things to do, so I didn't call him. And then I promised myself I wasn't going to call him today, or tomorrow, or the day after.
He can very well either email me or at the very LEAST! ring me once so I can call him. I mean, it's not like I'm asking for flowers and chocolates and god knows what else, no, I'm asking FOR ONE MOTHER FUCKING SIGN THAT I'M ALONE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. ONE FUCKING RING ON MY CELLPHONE AND I'D BE A HAPPY GIRL HOW PATHETIC IS THAT.
So. Yeah.
Ergo, the first lines of this post. I don't quite know how to ignore Jose even when I know this is what I need to do.
Barb used to tell me that I needed to be happy and be aloof and things would work out but the thing I can't do that. I want to call him and I want to fix this but I can't do that, because I can't fix him and I sure as fuck can't make him fall in love with me all over again. Fuck. So I just gotta sit here and pretend to do work and read and hope something will happen. Because, well, because, right, there's no other way around this. I can't love him enough for the both of us. I just can't. No matter how much I want to.
And I keep thinking, he says he doesn't know if he loves me but BY GOD if I could just look into his eyes as he looks as me I'd know, I'd KNOW you know, because if I can't tell then really, he's this whole other person I don't even know. But I can't look into his eyes and he doesn't know and he needs to know so he can TELL ME and make this STOP HURTING.
Even if we were to break up at this point, god, it'd be something, not this NOT KNOWING that's really totally killing me.
At least I'm writing the bitter!Ryan story. Weird, huh?
After that very weird email on Sunday (I mean, really, I thought ... nevermind), I mean, he asked me point blank to call him yesterday morning.
So the idiot I am, I did, I called him. It's... it's weird as hell. I mean, I called him, not sure what to expect.
He didn't sound nice or happy that I called. He sounded, just kinda plain and good, but plain anyway. So I told him that I was on my way to embark and he said okay and then he said take care and that alone, man, I'm pathetic really because just that he said "take care" made me smile like the moron that I am. And I was thinking about telling him, "I love you", mostly thinking and doubting if I should say it because it hurts like a son of a bitch when I say it and he doesn't answer back, and I was just standing there hoping to hell that the second I say it, he'll answer back and it would feel real and then he goes and says, "okay, then, talk to you later."
And just like that, bum, totally fucked. I'm so.... I'm an moron, no two ways about it.
There I was, hoping that maybe... nevermind. So I said, "Yeah, talk to you later." And I hung up and that was it.
That was it.
That's our relationship now. This is our fucked relationship and I really gotta stop writing about it because I'm in an office, damn it, and I can't start crying like a little girl. So I hung up and by the time I got back, it was already 4.30pm (almost midnight over there, and he tells me he's been going to bed early) and I still had a few things to do, so I didn't call him. And then I promised myself I wasn't going to call him today, or tomorrow, or the day after.
He can very well either email me or at the very LEAST! ring me once so I can call him. I mean, it's not like I'm asking for flowers and chocolates and god knows what else, no, I'm asking FOR ONE MOTHER FUCKING SIGN THAT I'M ALONE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. ONE FUCKING RING ON MY CELLPHONE AND I'D BE A HAPPY GIRL HOW PATHETIC IS THAT.
So. Yeah.
Ergo, the first lines of this post. I don't quite know how to ignore Jose even when I know this is what I need to do.
Barb used to tell me that I needed to be happy and be aloof and things would work out but the thing I can't do that. I want to call him and I want to fix this but I can't do that, because I can't fix him and I sure as fuck can't make him fall in love with me all over again. Fuck. So I just gotta sit here and pretend to do work and read and hope something will happen. Because, well, because, right, there's no other way around this. I can't love him enough for the both of us. I just can't. No matter how much I want to.
And I keep thinking, he says he doesn't know if he loves me but BY GOD if I could just look into his eyes as he looks as me I'd know, I'd KNOW you know, because if I can't tell then really, he's this whole other person I don't even know. But I can't look into his eyes and he doesn't know and he needs to know so he can TELL ME and make this STOP HURTING.
Even if we were to break up at this point, god, it'd be something, not this NOT KNOWING that's really totally killing me.
At least I'm writing the bitter!Ryan story. Weird, huh?