[oc] Grace Under Pressure
Okay, it has been a while since I've written/posted any short fics. I've been trying my best to finish my longer fics, stuff that just kinda died in the way to completion, and so far I have two down, and about a zillion more to go. But then, last night I came home from this movie that I loved and I just had to write it. I'm glad I did, because it turned out beautifully, and very very angsty. *g*
I wasn't planning on posting it for a while, but then someone mentioned that I've been talking about writing and yet not posted anything, and then popmusicjunkie wanted me to post it because of the angst fest, so, yeah. Here. *g*
Title: Grace Under Pressure
Author: M. F. Luder
Pairing: Ryan/Seth
Rating: PG-13.
Word count: 2,700 words
Category: Future fic. Established Relationship. Very, very angsty. *g* Me being evil? Yeah, maybe that one too.
Challenge: For fanfic100 and 43. square. The rest of the stories can be found at Big Damn Table.
Author's note: Betad by popmusicjunkie, whom I love and feels a little bit distraught *cough*that'sputtingitmidly*cough* about this story. Hmm. Too angsty babe? *winks* Love you babe!
Seth glances at the clock, out of desperation almost, because on morning like these -- meaning every single school day -- time seems to rush through his fingers
Grace Under Pressure
43. square
Seth glances at the clock, out of desperation almost, because on morning like these -- meaning every single school day -- time seems to rush through his fingers, because he's certain he has only spent three minutes heating the milk in the microwave and somehow it's been a quarter of an hour and they are, once again, late.
It's ten to seven on a Tuesday and he curses under his breath, his finger catching on the small rubber band, the comb in his other hand tangling on Dana's hair.
"Ouch," Dana says, reflex more than pain, and Seth rolls his eyes.
"If you would just stand still--"
"I'm sitting!"
"-- then maybe I wouldn't pull your hair--"
Dana sighs, shrugging as she does so, taking a bite out of her bagel. "You always pull my hair anyway, dad. Daddy is the only one--"
Seth clears his throat, glances over his shoulder at Samantha, who's leaning against the kitchen counter, remote on her hand.
"Sam, damn it, if you could just--"
"I'm all ready. I don't need to--"
Seth sighs, pulling the comb from Dana's hair, and Dana continues to eat her bagel, no milk. Fuck, he curses in his mind, glancing at Samantha, who's eating the cereal straight from the box.
"Sam!"
Sam rolls her eyes -- Seth can't really see from this angle, but he's certain she's doing that -- as she turns around and blue eyes meet brown. She lifts one eyebrow and the resemblance to her father is uncanny and scary and makes something hurt inside him, in the small square where everything is tightly compressed. He takes in a shaky breath, making his way to her, and placing the comb in her hand.
"There," he says, as his voice catches in his throat. He clears it again. "You comb her hair." He picks up his coffee mug, making his way around the kitchen island. "And get Dana some milk, will you? She's eating her bagel alone."
"I like it alone!"
"Milk!" Seth says over his shoulder, and Samantha reaches for the fridge door, getting out the milk. Sam likes her cereal dry too. Neither of them like milk. Sam looks at him, glances at him, as she pours a glass for her sister. Seth gives her a small smile, and she's only ten but older at the same time, and she got that from Ryan as well, he can't help but think. Not just her eyes and hair and manners, but old soul as well.
Seth glances at Dana, who sits eating her bagel, quietly, looking at her book even though it should be in her backpack. Another old soul, with brown hair and eyes but perfect smile and the ability to be quiet as a mouse, for a six year old.
He swallows and turns around, "I'm gonna check on your dad," he says, walking out.
He can hear Sam say something to Dana, but can't quite hear the words. It doesn't matter. He turns left, down the hallway and past the study, to their bedroom. He pushes the door open slightly, quietly, and can't help but stand there, by the threshold, mug in hand.
Ryan's turned away from him in the bed, covers up to his chest. Seth smiles, and it hurts and it pains him, but he smiles, and walks in.
"Hey," he says, and Ryan turns around to look at him and smiles back. Seth places the mug on the nightstand before lying next to Ryan.
The cannula is around Ryan's throat and Seth snorts, reaching down and placing it under Ryan's nose. "It's of no use--"
"I'm fine," Ryan whispers, coughing as he does so.
Seth snorts again, pulling the covers higher up on Ryan's chest. He swallows, nuzzling Ryan's neck, Ryan's arm coming around to hold him close. Seth leans into the touch, breathing in clean sheets and alcohol that is masking the ocean underneath it all, Ryan underneath it all.
"So, Dana still won't drink milk." Seth settles by Ryan's side, head on Ryan's shoulder, trying his best not to put too much weight on him. "She'd rather have her bagel alone."
Ryan takes in a shaky breath, letting it out slowly through his mouth. "She likes it like that."
Seth can hear the smile in his voice, even if it's a little bit gruffer than it should be. "Yeah, well, I don't care. And Sam keeps eating her cereal dry. Could you talk with her?"
"Seth--"
"She only listens to you, you know that." Seth closes his eyes, breathes in. "She learned that from you. If anyone's gonna get her out of that horrible habit--"
"There's nothing wrong with that."
"When you're fifteen, sure, but she's ten and--"
And his words die in his throat as Ryan turns around and places a kiss on the top of his head, in between his temple and hairline, and Seth breathes in and holds it.
They stay quiet for a minute, Seth breathing, hearing Ryan breath, feeling the chest underneath his right hand rise and fall and rise again.
"You know where all the papers are, right? You know I left them on the bookcase in the study--"
"Ryan, I don't care--"
"-- in between Common Sense and The Dead Zone because it seemed to fit, right? They are all in order--"
Seth lifts his head, reaching past Ryan for the morphine drip. He touches it hesitatingly, watching one drop fall after the other. "You shouldn't take this like it's candy, Ryan, just because you have a sweet tooth--"
"You know all the pin numbers, and I wrote them down too because you never remember them anyway--"
"Sam wants you to go with her through her math homework for Friday. You know I suck at all things science and--"
Ryan's hand on Seth's cheek makes him turn around from the drip, glance at Ryan, look at Ryan. Ryan looks back at him, blue eyes darker, and Seth can feel his breath hitch, hold and then resume.
"Stop that," Ryan whispers, a grimace on his face instead of a smile. "I can't... we need to talk. You know we need to--"
"There's nothing to talk about," Seth says, and his voice is filled with tears instead of air and he can't breathe. He clears his throat. "And make Dana actually do her homework before her Playstation. Just because we both used to--"
"Seth."
Seth blinks, and it hurts, and everything is tight and he closes his eyes for a breath before opening them to look at Ryan once again. "I can't do this," he breathes out. "I can't do this, raise our kids if you don't pretend, okay? I can't... I just can't."
Ryan presses his lips into a thin line, and they do as they always have done -- allow Ryan to speak with only one look -- and Seth actually listens to him, and Ryan nods. "Sure."
"She listens to you," Seth says with a shrug, and Ryan nods again, and leans forward to kiss him, as Seth meets him in half way.
Seth pulls apart after a moment, his right hand cupping Ryan's cheek, and Ryan leans into the touch. He smiles, because this is the same boy he fell in love with, startling blue eyes and perfect thin lips.
He kisses Ryan one last time before pulling away, hearing Sam making her way into the bedroom, with Dana rushing in and almost throwing herself at Seth's side of the bed, only because she knows better than to do it at Ryan's side.
"I'm done!" Dana says with a grin, settling in between them, Seth sitting on the edge of the bed to give her room. He notices that her hair is tied in a ponytail. "I finished breakfast."
Seth looks over his shoulder, and Sam shrugs. "Half a glass. That's the best I could do."
Seth nods, smiles at her. "Thanks."
He looks at Ryan, cupping both hands around Dana's face, giving her a wide smile that has to hurt somewhere deep.
"You do know you need to drink your milk, right?" Ryan asks Dana, who nods. But then again, she's always been partial to Ryan. Hell, both of them always liked Ryan better than Seth. They used to fall quiet when Ryan picked them up as babies, always.
"Daddy--"
"No, no daddy." Ryan sets his jaw, his eyes catching hers and holding them, and Dana sighs and nods.
"Yeah, I know," she says gruffly, and grumbles. "I just don't like it."
Ryan gives her a small smile, kissing her cheeks and making her giggle. "But you have to. And you have to do your homework before Playstation, no matter what your dad and I used to do. And you gotta listen to him, you know, right? He knows better. He'll always know better. You gotta listen to him."
Dana bites her lower lip, pressing them together, and Seth sees fifteen year old Ryan in there somewhere. She nods. "Yeah, I know."
"Good. Now give me a kiss."
Dana kisses him, then kisses him again, and Seth chuckles, the sound choked. She gives him a third kiss before scrambling off the bed, and Seth touches the edge of her ponytail.
"Love you, Dani girl."
"Love you, Daddy!"
Ryan sighs. "Go, you're gonna be late--"
"Going, going, going, gone!"
Ryan chuckles, watching his daughter rushes out of the room. Sam makes her way to her dad's side with more calm, giving him a long smile.
"You know your dad hates you eating cereal dry."
Sam chuckles, glancing at Seth and Seth tries to glare at her, but she only chuckles at him too. "You used to do it."
Ryan sighs, touching the cannula with the back of his fingers. He looks at her, and Sam sighs, seeming to hold onto every word her dad says to her. "Yeah, but we were fifteen, and I used to drink about three glasses every morning anyway, and Seth here would have drank the whole gallon--"
"Hey!"
"--if I didn't stop him."
Sam looks at him, then nods. "Okay. I'll stop if you want me to."
Ryan gives her a small smile, his blue eyes clearer all of a sudden. "I want you to. And listen to your dad. He's gonna need your help."
Sam swallows, but nods, then leans forward and gives Seth a kiss on his cheek, kissing Ryan next. He nuzzles her face, smiling against her hair. Seth has to look away.
"I love you, Sammy, you know that, right?"
Sam nods against her father's hands, against her father's face. "Yeah," she says, and Seth can hear she's choked up as well. "Yeah, I love you too, Daddy."
She kisses him one last time before standing straight and looking at him. Seth smiles, jerks his head toward the living room. "I'll be out in a sec."
"Okay," Sam says, walking out and calling for Dana, who probably already has her book out of her backpack, reading it again.
"Make sure your sister doesn't forget anything!"
"Dan!" Seth can hear Sam call out from the living room.
Seth turns around, looking at Ryan. "I need to take them to school." He swallows, leaning forward and kisses Ryan, pulling at his lower lip, eyes closed and hands touching the hollow of Ryan's neck, the side of his face. Out of the corner of his eyes, he can see Ryan pressing the button on the morphine drip, and wants to pull away, not to hurt him, but can't, can only kiss him harder and deeper and finally pulls away when he feels the tears in his eyes.
Seth swallows, licks his lips, and watches as Ryan sighs, closing his eyes for a second.
"I won't be long," Seth says, standing up from the bed.
Ryan nods. "I'll be here, babe."
"You better," he says, but the joke falls flat. He kisses Ryan one last time -- one last time -- before turning around and calling for his daughters.
Seth watches his girls walk up the steps of the school, then past the wide doors and loses sight of them.
He breathes in, the car roaring under him, and for a second it's all too much and the square is not big enough and he can feel everything spilling from a place that can't contain it all. He places his hands over his mouth, presses tight and still hears the sob coming from his throat. He shakes his head but it's not enough now, not anymore, and he leans forward. He closes his eyes, hears someone honking their horn behind him and can't care.
He cries for a second, for a minute, a day and a year, can almost smell the alcohol in their sheets, can hear Ryan gasping for breath, coughing up blood and ending up tired on their bed. That's cancer for you, slow and terrible and the same killer that has taken both his grandmothers, his mother and will take his husband soon enough.
He sits up with a gasp, rubs his eyes until they hurt from the pressure and not the pain, and then pulls out of the parking space.
It doesn't take him long to get back home, to park the car and make his way inside. He pauses for a moment in the kitchen, pours himself a glass of water and drains it. He glances at the fridge door, at the post-it stuck there.
Thai tonight, I don't want to cook. Try not to burn anything.
Love, Ryan.
Seth smiles, wishes he would have put the date on it. Has to be from three months back, maybe even more. Six, probably. Yeah, six. Has it been so long ago, not long enough? Could it have struck any harder, swifter, if it had wanted? Would Seth have survived it if it had?
He shakes his head, places the glass in the sink and makes his way out of the kitchen. He should put that post-it in a frame. Yeah, he should.
He walks into their bedroom, and Ryan turns around to look at him. Seth smiles at him, crawls back into their bed, under the covers. They kiss, slowly, carefully, Seth no longer wanting more but a touch of lips. Ryan's hand reaches to take his, and Seth settles on Ryan's side, right leg not quite over Ryan's, comfortable in the place where it has always been home.
"You do alright in Science."
Seth chuckles, shakes his head against Ryan's shoulder. "You're better."
"You can learn."
Seth grimaces, nods, right arm over Ryan's chest, tightening around the edge of the covers. But I don't want to, he wants to say, but doesn't, and Ryan doesn't say anything else.
Ryan kisses the top of his head, and for a second Seth doesn't want to move, remembers years ago when he used to feel the same way, how he's always felt the same way. Ryan would reach for the top of his head, touch a curl and Seth would hold still, deprived of touch and needing more, unmoving in fear of losing the touch, wanting them all.
"I love you," Ryan breathes out against the top of Seth's head, against curls, and Seth hides his face deeper in Ryan's neck.
"I love you," he whispers back, closes his eyes.
They lie still, and Seth doesn't think about later today, about everything he has to do and how Sam has her science project due next week and Dana has been talking about ballet lessons he knows she'll drop within a week. He breathes in and closes his eyes and holds still under Ryan's touch.
Minutes later, Seth realizes his right hand is no longer rising and falling and rising again. He closes his eyes, bites on his lower lip and tells himself, it's okay, it's fine. It's okay, I'm here, Ryan. I'm right here. It's okay.
And the box is no longer square but round, unending, and Seth breathes in, and feels himself start to cry and wonders if he can stop. He tightens his hold on the edge of the covers, on Ryan's other hand. He buries his face deeper in the hollow of Ryan's neck and can't help but think, it's okay, I can do this, I don't have to pick them up until three. The lines become blurred, and then turn into nothing, and one breath becomes harder to take than the one before.
That's pretty much it. I know I didn't say it was a death fic, but god, I hate giving away the ending like that. *g* Hate me much? *giggles*
Oh, also, does the title look familiar? Yes, I know. *giggles* While writing it, it seemed to fit. In a way. *g*
EDIT: There's a small prequel, in a way, but I'd rather you read it after this one. Common Ground, because Ryan wanted to tell his side of the story.
That said, I'm gonna go. Do let me know what you think. *winks*
I wasn't planning on posting it for a while, but then someone mentioned that I've been talking about writing and yet not posted anything, and then popmusicjunkie wanted me to post it because of the angst fest, so, yeah. Here. *g*
Title: Grace Under Pressure
Author: M. F. Luder
Pairing: Ryan/Seth
Rating: PG-13.
Word count: 2,700 words
Category: Future fic. Established Relationship. Very, very angsty. *g* Me being evil? Yeah, maybe that one too.
Challenge: For fanfic100 and 43. square. The rest of the stories can be found at Big Damn Table.
Author's note: Betad by popmusicjunkie, whom I love and feels a little bit distraught *cough*that'sputtingitmidly*cough* about this story. Hmm. Too angsty babe? *winks* Love you babe!
Seth glances at the clock, out of desperation almost, because on morning like these -- meaning every single school day -- time seems to rush through his fingers
Grace Under Pressure
43. square
Seth glances at the clock, out of desperation almost, because on morning like these -- meaning every single school day -- time seems to rush through his fingers, because he's certain he has only spent three minutes heating the milk in the microwave and somehow it's been a quarter of an hour and they are, once again, late.
It's ten to seven on a Tuesday and he curses under his breath, his finger catching on the small rubber band, the comb in his other hand tangling on Dana's hair.
"Ouch," Dana says, reflex more than pain, and Seth rolls his eyes.
"If you would just stand still--"
"I'm sitting!"
"-- then maybe I wouldn't pull your hair--"
Dana sighs, shrugging as she does so, taking a bite out of her bagel. "You always pull my hair anyway, dad. Daddy is the only one--"
Seth clears his throat, glances over his shoulder at Samantha, who's leaning against the kitchen counter, remote on her hand.
"Sam, damn it, if you could just--"
"I'm all ready. I don't need to--"
Seth sighs, pulling the comb from Dana's hair, and Dana continues to eat her bagel, no milk. Fuck, he curses in his mind, glancing at Samantha, who's eating the cereal straight from the box.
"Sam!"
Sam rolls her eyes -- Seth can't really see from this angle, but he's certain she's doing that -- as she turns around and blue eyes meet brown. She lifts one eyebrow and the resemblance to her father is uncanny and scary and makes something hurt inside him, in the small square where everything is tightly compressed. He takes in a shaky breath, making his way to her, and placing the comb in her hand.
"There," he says, as his voice catches in his throat. He clears it again. "You comb her hair." He picks up his coffee mug, making his way around the kitchen island. "And get Dana some milk, will you? She's eating her bagel alone."
"I like it alone!"
"Milk!" Seth says over his shoulder, and Samantha reaches for the fridge door, getting out the milk. Sam likes her cereal dry too. Neither of them like milk. Sam looks at him, glances at him, as she pours a glass for her sister. Seth gives her a small smile, and she's only ten but older at the same time, and she got that from Ryan as well, he can't help but think. Not just her eyes and hair and manners, but old soul as well.
Seth glances at Dana, who sits eating her bagel, quietly, looking at her book even though it should be in her backpack. Another old soul, with brown hair and eyes but perfect smile and the ability to be quiet as a mouse, for a six year old.
He swallows and turns around, "I'm gonna check on your dad," he says, walking out.
He can hear Sam say something to Dana, but can't quite hear the words. It doesn't matter. He turns left, down the hallway and past the study, to their bedroom. He pushes the door open slightly, quietly, and can't help but stand there, by the threshold, mug in hand.
Ryan's turned away from him in the bed, covers up to his chest. Seth smiles, and it hurts and it pains him, but he smiles, and walks in.
"Hey," he says, and Ryan turns around to look at him and smiles back. Seth places the mug on the nightstand before lying next to Ryan.
The cannula is around Ryan's throat and Seth snorts, reaching down and placing it under Ryan's nose. "It's of no use--"
"I'm fine," Ryan whispers, coughing as he does so.
Seth snorts again, pulling the covers higher up on Ryan's chest. He swallows, nuzzling Ryan's neck, Ryan's arm coming around to hold him close. Seth leans into the touch, breathing in clean sheets and alcohol that is masking the ocean underneath it all, Ryan underneath it all.
"So, Dana still won't drink milk." Seth settles by Ryan's side, head on Ryan's shoulder, trying his best not to put too much weight on him. "She'd rather have her bagel alone."
Ryan takes in a shaky breath, letting it out slowly through his mouth. "She likes it like that."
Seth can hear the smile in his voice, even if it's a little bit gruffer than it should be. "Yeah, well, I don't care. And Sam keeps eating her cereal dry. Could you talk with her?"
"Seth--"
"She only listens to you, you know that." Seth closes his eyes, breathes in. "She learned that from you. If anyone's gonna get her out of that horrible habit--"
"There's nothing wrong with that."
"When you're fifteen, sure, but she's ten and--"
And his words die in his throat as Ryan turns around and places a kiss on the top of his head, in between his temple and hairline, and Seth breathes in and holds it.
They stay quiet for a minute, Seth breathing, hearing Ryan breath, feeling the chest underneath his right hand rise and fall and rise again.
"You know where all the papers are, right? You know I left them on the bookcase in the study--"
"Ryan, I don't care--"
"-- in between Common Sense and The Dead Zone because it seemed to fit, right? They are all in order--"
Seth lifts his head, reaching past Ryan for the morphine drip. He touches it hesitatingly, watching one drop fall after the other. "You shouldn't take this like it's candy, Ryan, just because you have a sweet tooth--"
"You know all the pin numbers, and I wrote them down too because you never remember them anyway--"
"Sam wants you to go with her through her math homework for Friday. You know I suck at all things science and--"
Ryan's hand on Seth's cheek makes him turn around from the drip, glance at Ryan, look at Ryan. Ryan looks back at him, blue eyes darker, and Seth can feel his breath hitch, hold and then resume.
"Stop that," Ryan whispers, a grimace on his face instead of a smile. "I can't... we need to talk. You know we need to--"
"There's nothing to talk about," Seth says, and his voice is filled with tears instead of air and he can't breathe. He clears his throat. "And make Dana actually do her homework before her Playstation. Just because we both used to--"
"Seth."
Seth blinks, and it hurts, and everything is tight and he closes his eyes for a breath before opening them to look at Ryan once again. "I can't do this," he breathes out. "I can't do this, raise our kids if you don't pretend, okay? I can't... I just can't."
Ryan presses his lips into a thin line, and they do as they always have done -- allow Ryan to speak with only one look -- and Seth actually listens to him, and Ryan nods. "Sure."
"She listens to you," Seth says with a shrug, and Ryan nods again, and leans forward to kiss him, as Seth meets him in half way.
Seth pulls apart after a moment, his right hand cupping Ryan's cheek, and Ryan leans into the touch. He smiles, because this is the same boy he fell in love with, startling blue eyes and perfect thin lips.
He kisses Ryan one last time before pulling away, hearing Sam making her way into the bedroom, with Dana rushing in and almost throwing herself at Seth's side of the bed, only because she knows better than to do it at Ryan's side.
"I'm done!" Dana says with a grin, settling in between them, Seth sitting on the edge of the bed to give her room. He notices that her hair is tied in a ponytail. "I finished breakfast."
Seth looks over his shoulder, and Sam shrugs. "Half a glass. That's the best I could do."
Seth nods, smiles at her. "Thanks."
He looks at Ryan, cupping both hands around Dana's face, giving her a wide smile that has to hurt somewhere deep.
"You do know you need to drink your milk, right?" Ryan asks Dana, who nods. But then again, she's always been partial to Ryan. Hell, both of them always liked Ryan better than Seth. They used to fall quiet when Ryan picked them up as babies, always.
"Daddy--"
"No, no daddy." Ryan sets his jaw, his eyes catching hers and holding them, and Dana sighs and nods.
"Yeah, I know," she says gruffly, and grumbles. "I just don't like it."
Ryan gives her a small smile, kissing her cheeks and making her giggle. "But you have to. And you have to do your homework before Playstation, no matter what your dad and I used to do. And you gotta listen to him, you know, right? He knows better. He'll always know better. You gotta listen to him."
Dana bites her lower lip, pressing them together, and Seth sees fifteen year old Ryan in there somewhere. She nods. "Yeah, I know."
"Good. Now give me a kiss."
Dana kisses him, then kisses him again, and Seth chuckles, the sound choked. She gives him a third kiss before scrambling off the bed, and Seth touches the edge of her ponytail.
"Love you, Dani girl."
"Love you, Daddy!"
Ryan sighs. "Go, you're gonna be late--"
"Going, going, going, gone!"
Ryan chuckles, watching his daughter rushes out of the room. Sam makes her way to her dad's side with more calm, giving him a long smile.
"You know your dad hates you eating cereal dry."
Sam chuckles, glancing at Seth and Seth tries to glare at her, but she only chuckles at him too. "You used to do it."
Ryan sighs, touching the cannula with the back of his fingers. He looks at her, and Sam sighs, seeming to hold onto every word her dad says to her. "Yeah, but we were fifteen, and I used to drink about three glasses every morning anyway, and Seth here would have drank the whole gallon--"
"Hey!"
"--if I didn't stop him."
Sam looks at him, then nods. "Okay. I'll stop if you want me to."
Ryan gives her a small smile, his blue eyes clearer all of a sudden. "I want you to. And listen to your dad. He's gonna need your help."
Sam swallows, but nods, then leans forward and gives Seth a kiss on his cheek, kissing Ryan next. He nuzzles her face, smiling against her hair. Seth has to look away.
"I love you, Sammy, you know that, right?"
Sam nods against her father's hands, against her father's face. "Yeah," she says, and Seth can hear she's choked up as well. "Yeah, I love you too, Daddy."
She kisses him one last time before standing straight and looking at him. Seth smiles, jerks his head toward the living room. "I'll be out in a sec."
"Okay," Sam says, walking out and calling for Dana, who probably already has her book out of her backpack, reading it again.
"Make sure your sister doesn't forget anything!"
"Dan!" Seth can hear Sam call out from the living room.
Seth turns around, looking at Ryan. "I need to take them to school." He swallows, leaning forward and kisses Ryan, pulling at his lower lip, eyes closed and hands touching the hollow of Ryan's neck, the side of his face. Out of the corner of his eyes, he can see Ryan pressing the button on the morphine drip, and wants to pull away, not to hurt him, but can't, can only kiss him harder and deeper and finally pulls away when he feels the tears in his eyes.
Seth swallows, licks his lips, and watches as Ryan sighs, closing his eyes for a second.
"I won't be long," Seth says, standing up from the bed.
Ryan nods. "I'll be here, babe."
"You better," he says, but the joke falls flat. He kisses Ryan one last time -- one last time -- before turning around and calling for his daughters.
Seth watches his girls walk up the steps of the school, then past the wide doors and loses sight of them.
He breathes in, the car roaring under him, and for a second it's all too much and the square is not big enough and he can feel everything spilling from a place that can't contain it all. He places his hands over his mouth, presses tight and still hears the sob coming from his throat. He shakes his head but it's not enough now, not anymore, and he leans forward. He closes his eyes, hears someone honking their horn behind him and can't care.
He cries for a second, for a minute, a day and a year, can almost smell the alcohol in their sheets, can hear Ryan gasping for breath, coughing up blood and ending up tired on their bed. That's cancer for you, slow and terrible and the same killer that has taken both his grandmothers, his mother and will take his husband soon enough.
He sits up with a gasp, rubs his eyes until they hurt from the pressure and not the pain, and then pulls out of the parking space.
It doesn't take him long to get back home, to park the car and make his way inside. He pauses for a moment in the kitchen, pours himself a glass of water and drains it. He glances at the fridge door, at the post-it stuck there.
Thai tonight, I don't want to cook. Try not to burn anything.
Love, Ryan.
Seth smiles, wishes he would have put the date on it. Has to be from three months back, maybe even more. Six, probably. Yeah, six. Has it been so long ago, not long enough? Could it have struck any harder, swifter, if it had wanted? Would Seth have survived it if it had?
He shakes his head, places the glass in the sink and makes his way out of the kitchen. He should put that post-it in a frame. Yeah, he should.
He walks into their bedroom, and Ryan turns around to look at him. Seth smiles at him, crawls back into their bed, under the covers. They kiss, slowly, carefully, Seth no longer wanting more but a touch of lips. Ryan's hand reaches to take his, and Seth settles on Ryan's side, right leg not quite over Ryan's, comfortable in the place where it has always been home.
"You do alright in Science."
Seth chuckles, shakes his head against Ryan's shoulder. "You're better."
"You can learn."
Seth grimaces, nods, right arm over Ryan's chest, tightening around the edge of the covers. But I don't want to, he wants to say, but doesn't, and Ryan doesn't say anything else.
Ryan kisses the top of his head, and for a second Seth doesn't want to move, remembers years ago when he used to feel the same way, how he's always felt the same way. Ryan would reach for the top of his head, touch a curl and Seth would hold still, deprived of touch and needing more, unmoving in fear of losing the touch, wanting them all.
"I love you," Ryan breathes out against the top of Seth's head, against curls, and Seth hides his face deeper in Ryan's neck.
"I love you," he whispers back, closes his eyes.
They lie still, and Seth doesn't think about later today, about everything he has to do and how Sam has her science project due next week and Dana has been talking about ballet lessons he knows she'll drop within a week. He breathes in and closes his eyes and holds still under Ryan's touch.
Minutes later, Seth realizes his right hand is no longer rising and falling and rising again. He closes his eyes, bites on his lower lip and tells himself, it's okay, it's fine. It's okay, I'm here, Ryan. I'm right here. It's okay.
And the box is no longer square but round, unending, and Seth breathes in, and feels himself start to cry and wonders if he can stop. He tightens his hold on the edge of the covers, on Ryan's other hand. He buries his face deeper in the hollow of Ryan's neck and can't help but think, it's okay, I can do this, I don't have to pick them up until three. The lines become blurred, and then turn into nothing, and one breath becomes harder to take than the one before.
That's pretty much it. I know I didn't say it was a death fic, but god, I hate giving away the ending like that. *g* Hate me much? *giggles*
Oh, also, does the title look familiar? Yes, I know. *giggles* While writing it, it seemed to fit. In a way. *g*
EDIT: There's a small prequel, in a way, but I'd rather you read it after this one. Common Ground, because Ryan wanted to tell his side of the story.
That said, I'm gonna go. Do let me know what you think. *winks*