[oc] In the Absence of Love
I think I wrote this ages ago, like, ages and just never got around to post i! *grumbles* So I'm posting it, very low key. Very hush, hush. *nods*
Title: In the Absence of Love
Author: M. F. Luder
Fandom: The O.C.
Pairing: Ryan/Seth.
Rating: PG-13.
Spoilers: Set in season one, I think. Yep. See? Ages ago!
Challenge and Premises: Written for 30_kisses, challenge 10. #10. The rest of the stories can be found at The Small Table.
Author's note: Written ages ago! *hides face behind hands* Take that into account.
x-posted to 30_kisses.
There's something so very natural about this, about being here with Seth, just looking at one another and smiling.
In the Absence of Love
#10
It's at times like this when Ryan can't fool himself. He sits down at his desk, pen in hand, and as he tries to come up with a solution for a Calculus problem or memorize the history of WWII, Ryan remembers his mother.
He remembers how she stood by the plastic table, umbrella shading her from the sun. He remembers her biting down on her lower lip as she lifted one hand and waved. Ryan knew the meaning in an instant. He could only wave back, because when his mom made a decision, there was no changing it.
Same way it happened when she decided to leave Fresno. Same way when she decided to let Ryan have a new life.
Kirsten later told him about her sacrifice, about giving up her love for him for a better life. He didn't understand that then.
All he thought about when he saw her saying her pathetic goodbye was that she was leaving him -- again. That she didn't care enough for him -- again. That she wanted a life without a husband, without sons. She got that the minute she turned around and walked into the driveway, taxi cab waiting for her.
She still calls. Not often, and Ryan wonders if it's wrong to be happy about it. When she calls, Ryan wonders if she'll ask him about money. She hasn't so far. Ryan waits for the time when she will.
"Just a couple of dollars, Ry." She would say. "Just to get by. I'll pay it back, I swear."
Ryan can almost hear her words.
She asks about school, how he's doing, what he did the day before. Ryan gives monosyllabic replies. Fine. Fine. Nothing. She doesn't ask about the Cohens, or Seth. Ryan appreciates that. He doesn't know what he'd tell her about them.
We went to the Opera last night. Kirsten loves the Opera. Sandy fell asleep during the first session. Seth kept dangling his feet from one side to the other. I liked it. It was different. Kirsten was surprised I did. We're going to La Boheme next week. Just the two of us.
Or, Seth is different than Trey when it comes down to brother loving. He doesn't hit, he doesn't curse. He doesn't pretend to be the holder of all wisdom as he tells me that snorting coke won't hurt. We don't go to parties where having a fight and getting stabbed is actually an option. Hell, we don't even go to parties.
Seth's different mom, because he likes me. He wants me safe. I know that, and he knows that. We don't even leave the house sometimes. We watch movies in the den, or play video games. We read comic books or go sailing when he feels like it. Sometimes, we just lie down on the bed and stare at the ceiling.
Ryan doesn't tell her that, because it hurts enough to know that his mother, his own mother didn't love him enough. And maybe that was the way it was supposed to work out. She was supposed to leave so he could be with the Cohens. With Sandy and Kirsten, who care so much about him. With Seth who enjoys the simple fact of spending time with Ryan. She was supposed to leave so he would learn what it is to feel safe. And loved.
Ryan remembers the night of the incident with Oliver. He walked back into the house and Kirsten hugged him tight, so tight Ryan felt the wind squeezed out of his lungs. Kirsten knew about the gun and Ryan talking Oliver out of it
"Don't you do that again," she whispered. "Don't," she kept repeating as she whimpered against his shoulder.
He doesn't remember ever feeling so safe.
Ryan didn't see Seth until he reached the pool house. For Ryan, Seth's apology was more than enough. Seth looked sorrowful and Ryan heard the tears in his voice. Ryan never felt so loved as Seth promised never to fail him again. It was more than Ryan ever needed to hear.
So Ryan tells himself to be better, to worry about things that are worth worrying. No more problems that have nothing to do with him. No more slacking.
Marissa still tries to talk with him. She touches his shoulder at school and asks him if he wants a ride home when they walk out of classes. Ryan is running out of reasons to turn her down. He hopes she get the message.
Why won't you come back? Her eyes tell him. Why won't you love me?
He wants to ask her the same question. Love is not about doubting the other person. Love is not thinking they are crazy. Love is all about trust, and he doesn't think he can trust her anymore.
When she asks him if he wants a lift once again, he shakes his head and turns it to the side. He doesn't see her as he trots toward Seth.
"Dude, you okay?"
Ryan nods, biting down on his lower lip. He can feel Marissa's eyes on his back.
Seth gazes over his shoulder and Ryan glares at him.
"Dude, it's fine." Seth shrugs, skateboard in one hand as he maneuvers to place his backpack over his left shoulder with his right hand. "She's gone," he says after a moment. He nods. "Yep. She left with Summer."
Ryan nods. "Good."
"You okay?"
He shrugs. "I'm fine." They walk out and into the parking lot. He unlocks his bike.
"She really misses you."
Ryan snorts. "I know."
"Do you miss her?"
He gives Seth a sideways look and Seth backs off, hands lifted in a protective stance. "Dude, chill. I'm just asking."
Seth's caring should touch him, but instead it only annoys him. "I don't want to talk about it."
"It's been over a week."
"I know."
"So?"
Ryan shakes his head, climbing onto his bike. Seth skates by his side. They don't say anything and Ryan is grateful for the silence.
Before they reach the house, Ryan realizes he is touched.
Ryan doesn't think about Marissa that afternoon as he does his homework.
He doesn't remember how she thought the worse of him. His throat burns and he knows it's betrayal he feels. His own girlfriend believing someone else instead of him. Ryan hates that feeling.
But, somehow, the remembrance of Seth's incredulity hurts even more. He shakes his head, gripping his pen tightly in one hand. It's all over now. He shouldn't think about it. Except, he can't stop.
Seth didn't believe him either, and Ryan tells himself Seth was only worried about him. Worried Ryan might do something harsh, like breaking into the school. Something stupid, like beating up Oliver. Something that might get Ryan into trouble and away from him.
Ryan believes that, Seth's guilty about his mistake. Seth meant well, or tried to mean well, and for Ryan that's enough. He doesn't think about Marissa the rest of the afternoon.
"Marissa called," Kirsten says during dinner the day after. She gives Ryan a small smile, passing the Kung-Pow chicken.
"Oh," Ryan says, taking the container from her hands. He places a few pieces on his place.
"I told her you were busy. That you had homework."
Ryan nods, eyes fixed on green vegetables he's learned to eat. Looking to his right, he sees Seth gazing at him. He lowers his eyes once again.
"I don't think it's right that she keeps calling."
Ryan looks up and toward Kirsten. She has both her elbows on either side of her plate, her fingers intertwined as she stares back. He doesn't like the look she has in her eyes.
"It's okay," Ryan says, trying to smooth things.
Kristen shakes her head. "No, it isn't Ryan."
Ryan swallows. He turns to his left and Sandy grimaces before lowering his gaze. Sandy doesn't dare touch this subject with Kirsten. Ryan worries about his safety.
"I don't want her calling you so often."
"She doesn--"
"Yes, she does. She calls you at least three times every night, and that's only the days I'm here early." She tilts her head. "What about in the afternoons, do you two talk?"
He has never been asked these kinds of questions. He's never had anyone who cares enough to ask them. With his mom, Ryan could come home the morning after and she wouldn't even notice. He doesn't think Kirsten would be as cool about it.
"It's okay."
"Ryan--"
"I'll talk with her," Ryan says slowly, and he hopes Kirsten gives him that much.
She thinks about it for a moment before sighing. "You do that. There's school to worry about instead of her problems."
He nods. She told him this once before. After Oliver. That same night. An hour after hugging him tight and asking him not to risk his life like that again. She asked him not to see Marissa again, because she had issues she had to deal with. She asked him to worry about himself, about school. She asked him not to try and save her. He's gonna try and do that.
"Well, now that the whole Marissa going crazy thing is settled," Seth says and he slaps Ryan's shoulder. "Dude, don't hog the Kung-Pow."
Ryan chuckles, handing him the container. He shakes his head, smiling as Seth grins toward him. Seth's laughter is contagious.
Kirsten cracks a smile and Sandy leans over to kiss her. He stares at them for a moment, seeing the way she closes her eyes and her hand reaches for Sandy's cheek. That's love, and trust.
He sighs, forking a piece of chicken and what he thinks are green beans. Somehow, he can't picture Marissa doing the same.
He lies down on his bed, eyes closed. He's in the place between asleep and awake, his mind drifting in and out. He thinks of Oliver, gun in his hand. He can see Marissa there, crying, asking for Ryan to save her.
Her face morphs into blues and greens, like she's drowning, and suddenly he's standing at the edge of the ocean. He's looking down at her. Her hand is outstretched, reaching for him.
Ryan wants to lean over and grab it, to save her, but he doesn't. He can't seem to move. Or maybe he just doesn't want to.
He remembers Tijuana, Luke's face as they walked in on him kissing with Holly. He remembers Marissa's draught face, her limbs lifeless when he picked her up.
He remembers the rush to the hospital, Summer crying in the back seat, leaning against the window. She wanted to sit there, eyes closed, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed.
Ryan could only look to his left at Seth as he drives back. Seth gives him a tight smile, and then Ryan closes his eyes and the scenery changes.
Kirsten is looking at him, down at him, and she isn't pleased. Sandy is standing by her side, shaking his head. "You disappointed us Ryan. Why?"
Ryan wants to explain, to ask her to forgive him, but he can't say a word. His lips won't move.
She shakes her head and he can see tears in her eyes. "Why? We love you."
I love you, he wants to say. I love you both. He doesn't.
"Ryan--?"
"Why?"
Ryan wants to stand up, but he can't. Sandy places his hand on Kirsten's shoulder and she turns around, hugging Sandy and crying on his chest. Ryan just watches them.
"Ryan?"
He stares at them.
"Dude, Ryan?"
There's a shake on his shoulder and he blinks, confused. He blinks a couple of times before he can open his eyes, really open them. He grimaces, light pouring inside, a shadow dark as it stands over him, so much light it makes it impossible to recognize the face. He can only see lines of black and gray, can almost distinguish lips and ears in the form.
"Dude, you okay?"
Ryan frowns, rubbing his eyes. It takes him a moment to get used to the early afternoon light that spills in through the open doors of the pool house.
Seth grins, face bent as he stares at Ryan. "Hey, I think you were out."
Ryan snorts, pushing himself into a sitting position. He turns and looks at Seth. Seth's standing there, smiling at him, almost bouncing on his heels. That much energy almost makes Ryan's head hurt. He pinches the bridge of his nose.
"Were you asleep?"
It's a stupid question, really, considering Seth obviously found him passed out on the bed. Still, Ryan nods. "Yeah, I think."
"It's four in the afternoon."
"So?" Ryan's lip curls upward the left side of his mouth.
"It's four in the afternoon, dude." Seth pushes Ryan's legs to the side so he has enough room to sit down on the bed. "It's like, early. Why do you need a nap?"
"I don't need a nap."
Seth shrugs. "Yeah, well, I just saw you taking a nap."
Ryan shakes his head. It'd be pointless to try to convince Seth he just fell asleep. "What do you want?"
"Dude, you sure are cranky after waking up."
"Seth."
Seth chuckles, nudging Ryan's side. "Saturday afternoon, dude."
Ryan nods. "Yeah, sure." He stands up, walking toward the bathroom in only his socks as Seth stretches his arms and leans comfortably against the pillows.
Saturday afternoon, unless there's an event to go to, means Nintendo Championships. Ryan turns on the faucet, water falling into his cupped hands, then he washes his face. After a moment, Ryan walks out.
The light makes Seth's silhouette stand out against the pastel colors of the pool house. Seth's comfortable stance in jeans and a shirt, one hand in his pocket, the other running through his curls, makes Ryan smile softly. Seth's eyes shine when he looks up and stares at Ryan, a grin forming in his lips slowly. Ryan grins back.
There's something so very natural about this, about being here with Seth, just looking at one another and smiling. Something that feels good. It's almost like home.
Ryan swallows thickly and his lips uncurl, falling into a thin line. He pushes the thought away as he picks up his shoes from the side of the bed. "Come on," he says over his shoulder, hearing Seth following behind, "I gotta kick your ass."
Seth's laughter fills the silence and it's like home all over again. He grimaces slightly, pushing the door open. He won't think about that either.
Ryan tabs his pencil against his thigh, eyes focused on the book in front of him. He really is trying to understand Elements of Abstract and Linear Algebra, but his mind just isn't into it. He has read the definitions and the theorems, but it doesn't seem to be written in English. At least, not in an English he can get. He gives up as he reads yet another theorem.
Thus defining a homomorphism on a quotient module is the same as defining a homomorphism on the numerator that sends the denominator to þ.
As the words don't make any more sense than they did a second before, Ryan closes the book. He sighs, trying to remember what other homework he has to get done besides Algebra. There's Physics, but he still has another week for the project. Then there's Literature, but he's doesn't feel like reading at the moment. And Biology. A paper on spores, types and graphics. Pretty much everything they can find in spores. A group project. In pairs. Seth and him.
Ryan closes his eyes, biting his lower lip.
It's not that he has been avoiding Seth, because that's close to impossible. They live in the same house, they have breakfast together, they go to the same school, they have two out of five classes together. The list goes on and on.
However, in the past five days, since Seth towered over Ryan as he took a nap, things have seemed to look differently. There are things Ryan never saw before that are crystal clear right now. The way Seth tilts his head when he talks with Ryan. How he gives Ryan the comics first, even before reading them himself.
Now, Ryan notices that Seth lights up when he tells Ryan about a class and a teacher, about something he either heard or read. Seth's brown eyes dance and there's a bounce in his step as they walk.
The first two days, Ryan was certain he was imagining things. It took him another day to realize he wasn't. Yesterday, all Ryan could do was stare into Seth's eyes as the boy spoke, mesmerized by Seth's voice and passion. By everything surrounding him.
Ryan wonders for a moment if he's losing it, because that can be the only explanation. He groans, placing his arm over his eyes as he shields the light coming from the opened curtains, the inside of his eyelids turning even darker. He bites his lower lip.
Whatever this is, this... thing that's crawling on his skin, that's burrowing itself deep under the flesh, Ryan can't it let rule him. He can't. There are other things to be considered. First and foremost, he promised Kirsten he'd be better. He promised himself he'd be better. And Ryan knows that whatever this is, it doesn't help his case. So he won't.
Ryan nods, agreeing with his mental line of reasoning. He will forget about this other light showing him things about Seth he hadn't considered before. Like Seth's laughter, how he laughs with his whole body. He shakes his head again.
No, no thinking about that. No. He swallows. Homework. He has to think about homework. He sighs, knowing that if he can't do the Algebra homework, the least he can do is get started in Biology. And for that, he needs to talk with Seth.
He stands up in a jump, driven by the desire to do the homework, not anything else. Not anything else. He walks to his small desk and picks up his Biology book, along with his notebook. The paper, he keeps in mind. The paper about spores. The paper that needs to get done because it's due on Monday. The paper.
He thinks of nothing else but the paper, and the teacher, and how boring the subject is as he crosses the backyard, walks into the house and makes his way up the stairs. He keeps his mind focused, centered and clear as he knocks on the door and pushes it open after a moment.
Seth's sitting on the bed, books scattered around him, everything the mess that somehow is characteristically him. There're a couple of comic books over his pillow, and Seth would probably say, "just in case I get too bored with homework because, dude, really, it happens. And I need the distraction."
Ryan can almost hear the word dude coming from Seth's lips. A word Ryan never thought could fit someone the way it fits Seth. Except, it does. And Seth made it his word. Ryan likes it that way.
Brown eyes gaze at him and then a smile forms on Seth's lips. Ryan can only smile back. Those brown eyes shine, as Ryan has learned they do.
"Dude," Seth says.
Ryan swallows thickly.
"So, what ya doing? Coz, really, homework is sucking the life out of me, I'm telling you."
Ryan parts his lips, meaning to answer, meaning to ask about Biology and if Seth has started doing research, but the words die on his lips.
"Dude?"
Ryan nods, almost numbly, and blinks once. His eyes focus on Seth, really seeing him. He lets out a soft sigh under his breath. Maybe he is seeing things, like right now. Maybe Ryan shouldn't be considered sane, not at this particular moment, but he can't do anything but stare.
He can only stare at Seth. At those brown eyes that gaze back with utter trust. The hand that reached out and offered himself as a friend. A smile that let him know things would work out. The very same person that stood by his side, that since the very beginning, wanted nothing more than to be Ryan's friend. To be with Ryan.
For him, for Ryan, it means the world.
And even above those reasons there's a something about Seth that Ryan can't describe, but makes him wonder how he didn't see it before. Maybe this is why it wasn't supposed to work out with Marissa. Something was missing. Maybe it's because they just weren't meant to be. No matter how much Ryan wanted to take care of her, to save her, he could never do it. It wasn't his place.
Maybe that's why Seth was always first.
First and last. There. Always. That missing piece was Seth. All this time, all along, it was Seth.
Ryan knows he was blind to this everything that is standing before him, asking him to take that chance, waiting for him to take the leap.
So, he does. Ryan leaps forward in utter trust. With a thick swallow, hands shaking and legs that barely respond, Ryan takes a step forward, closing the space between them.
He leans over, hands reaching for either side of Seth's face, and he captures those lips that grin like Ryan is the only reason that could exist for Seth to grin. Ryan places a kiss on soft lips. A kiss that is tender and loving, unlike any other before. He inhales shakily when he finds himself being kissed with as much trust as he has put into the action.
It feels right.
When Ryan pulls away, he looks into Seth's eyes and Seth can't help but smile. Ryan smiles back. His right thumb caresses Seth's cheek lightly and his heart constricts. Standing here, with Seth, feels natural. Like he belongs. Ryan likes that feeling.
Belonging has a meaning he could never have imagined. Belonging means being with Seth.
Very first season. And very... corny? Well. *shrugs* Had to get it out. I don't believe in stories written and not published. *g*
That said... Shadowboxing might be getting an ending sometime soon. *g*
Title: In the Absence of Love
Author: M. F. Luder
Fandom: The O.C.
Pairing: Ryan/Seth.
Rating: PG-13.
Spoilers: Set in season one, I think. Yep. See? Ages ago!
Challenge and Premises: Written for 30_kisses, challenge 10. #10. The rest of the stories can be found at The Small Table.
Author's note: Written ages ago! *hides face behind hands* Take that into account.
x-posted to 30_kisses.
There's something so very natural about this, about being here with Seth, just looking at one another and smiling.
In the Absence of Love
#10
It's at times like this when Ryan can't fool himself. He sits down at his desk, pen in hand, and as he tries to come up with a solution for a Calculus problem or memorize the history of WWII, Ryan remembers his mother.
He remembers how she stood by the plastic table, umbrella shading her from the sun. He remembers her biting down on her lower lip as she lifted one hand and waved. Ryan knew the meaning in an instant. He could only wave back, because when his mom made a decision, there was no changing it.
Same way it happened when she decided to leave Fresno. Same way when she decided to let Ryan have a new life.
Kirsten later told him about her sacrifice, about giving up her love for him for a better life. He didn't understand that then.
All he thought about when he saw her saying her pathetic goodbye was that she was leaving him -- again. That she didn't care enough for him -- again. That she wanted a life without a husband, without sons. She got that the minute she turned around and walked into the driveway, taxi cab waiting for her.
She still calls. Not often, and Ryan wonders if it's wrong to be happy about it. When she calls, Ryan wonders if she'll ask him about money. She hasn't so far. Ryan waits for the time when she will.
"Just a couple of dollars, Ry." She would say. "Just to get by. I'll pay it back, I swear."
Ryan can almost hear her words.
She asks about school, how he's doing, what he did the day before. Ryan gives monosyllabic replies. Fine. Fine. Nothing. She doesn't ask about the Cohens, or Seth. Ryan appreciates that. He doesn't know what he'd tell her about them.
We went to the Opera last night. Kirsten loves the Opera. Sandy fell asleep during the first session. Seth kept dangling his feet from one side to the other. I liked it. It was different. Kirsten was surprised I did. We're going to La Boheme next week. Just the two of us.
Or, Seth is different than Trey when it comes down to brother loving. He doesn't hit, he doesn't curse. He doesn't pretend to be the holder of all wisdom as he tells me that snorting coke won't hurt. We don't go to parties where having a fight and getting stabbed is actually an option. Hell, we don't even go to parties.
Seth's different mom, because he likes me. He wants me safe. I know that, and he knows that. We don't even leave the house sometimes. We watch movies in the den, or play video games. We read comic books or go sailing when he feels like it. Sometimes, we just lie down on the bed and stare at the ceiling.
Ryan doesn't tell her that, because it hurts enough to know that his mother, his own mother didn't love him enough. And maybe that was the way it was supposed to work out. She was supposed to leave so he could be with the Cohens. With Sandy and Kirsten, who care so much about him. With Seth who enjoys the simple fact of spending time with Ryan. She was supposed to leave so he would learn what it is to feel safe. And loved.
Ryan remembers the night of the incident with Oliver. He walked back into the house and Kirsten hugged him tight, so tight Ryan felt the wind squeezed out of his lungs. Kirsten knew about the gun and Ryan talking Oliver out of it
"Don't you do that again," she whispered. "Don't," she kept repeating as she whimpered against his shoulder.
He doesn't remember ever feeling so safe.
Ryan didn't see Seth until he reached the pool house. For Ryan, Seth's apology was more than enough. Seth looked sorrowful and Ryan heard the tears in his voice. Ryan never felt so loved as Seth promised never to fail him again. It was more than Ryan ever needed to hear.
So Ryan tells himself to be better, to worry about things that are worth worrying. No more problems that have nothing to do with him. No more slacking.
Marissa still tries to talk with him. She touches his shoulder at school and asks him if he wants a ride home when they walk out of classes. Ryan is running out of reasons to turn her down. He hopes she get the message.
Why won't you come back? Her eyes tell him. Why won't you love me?
He wants to ask her the same question. Love is not about doubting the other person. Love is not thinking they are crazy. Love is all about trust, and he doesn't think he can trust her anymore.
When she asks him if he wants a lift once again, he shakes his head and turns it to the side. He doesn't see her as he trots toward Seth.
"Dude, you okay?"
Ryan nods, biting down on his lower lip. He can feel Marissa's eyes on his back.
Seth gazes over his shoulder and Ryan glares at him.
"Dude, it's fine." Seth shrugs, skateboard in one hand as he maneuvers to place his backpack over his left shoulder with his right hand. "She's gone," he says after a moment. He nods. "Yep. She left with Summer."
Ryan nods. "Good."
"You okay?"
He shrugs. "I'm fine." They walk out and into the parking lot. He unlocks his bike.
"She really misses you."
Ryan snorts. "I know."
"Do you miss her?"
He gives Seth a sideways look and Seth backs off, hands lifted in a protective stance. "Dude, chill. I'm just asking."
Seth's caring should touch him, but instead it only annoys him. "I don't want to talk about it."
"It's been over a week."
"I know."
"So?"
Ryan shakes his head, climbing onto his bike. Seth skates by his side. They don't say anything and Ryan is grateful for the silence.
Before they reach the house, Ryan realizes he is touched.
Ryan doesn't think about Marissa that afternoon as he does his homework.
He doesn't remember how she thought the worse of him. His throat burns and he knows it's betrayal he feels. His own girlfriend believing someone else instead of him. Ryan hates that feeling.
But, somehow, the remembrance of Seth's incredulity hurts even more. He shakes his head, gripping his pen tightly in one hand. It's all over now. He shouldn't think about it. Except, he can't stop.
Seth didn't believe him either, and Ryan tells himself Seth was only worried about him. Worried Ryan might do something harsh, like breaking into the school. Something stupid, like beating up Oliver. Something that might get Ryan into trouble and away from him.
Ryan believes that, Seth's guilty about his mistake. Seth meant well, or tried to mean well, and for Ryan that's enough. He doesn't think about Marissa the rest of the afternoon.
"Marissa called," Kirsten says during dinner the day after. She gives Ryan a small smile, passing the Kung-Pow chicken.
"Oh," Ryan says, taking the container from her hands. He places a few pieces on his place.
"I told her you were busy. That you had homework."
Ryan nods, eyes fixed on green vegetables he's learned to eat. Looking to his right, he sees Seth gazing at him. He lowers his eyes once again.
"I don't think it's right that she keeps calling."
Ryan looks up and toward Kirsten. She has both her elbows on either side of her plate, her fingers intertwined as she stares back. He doesn't like the look she has in her eyes.
"It's okay," Ryan says, trying to smooth things.
Kristen shakes her head. "No, it isn't Ryan."
Ryan swallows. He turns to his left and Sandy grimaces before lowering his gaze. Sandy doesn't dare touch this subject with Kirsten. Ryan worries about his safety.
"I don't want her calling you so often."
"She doesn--"
"Yes, she does. She calls you at least three times every night, and that's only the days I'm here early." She tilts her head. "What about in the afternoons, do you two talk?"
He has never been asked these kinds of questions. He's never had anyone who cares enough to ask them. With his mom, Ryan could come home the morning after and she wouldn't even notice. He doesn't think Kirsten would be as cool about it.
"It's okay."
"Ryan--"
"I'll talk with her," Ryan says slowly, and he hopes Kirsten gives him that much.
She thinks about it for a moment before sighing. "You do that. There's school to worry about instead of her problems."
He nods. She told him this once before. After Oliver. That same night. An hour after hugging him tight and asking him not to risk his life like that again. She asked him not to see Marissa again, because she had issues she had to deal with. She asked him to worry about himself, about school. She asked him not to try and save her. He's gonna try and do that.
"Well, now that the whole Marissa going crazy thing is settled," Seth says and he slaps Ryan's shoulder. "Dude, don't hog the Kung-Pow."
Ryan chuckles, handing him the container. He shakes his head, smiling as Seth grins toward him. Seth's laughter is contagious.
Kirsten cracks a smile and Sandy leans over to kiss her. He stares at them for a moment, seeing the way she closes her eyes and her hand reaches for Sandy's cheek. That's love, and trust.
He sighs, forking a piece of chicken and what he thinks are green beans. Somehow, he can't picture Marissa doing the same.
He lies down on his bed, eyes closed. He's in the place between asleep and awake, his mind drifting in and out. He thinks of Oliver, gun in his hand. He can see Marissa there, crying, asking for Ryan to save her.
Her face morphs into blues and greens, like she's drowning, and suddenly he's standing at the edge of the ocean. He's looking down at her. Her hand is outstretched, reaching for him.
Ryan wants to lean over and grab it, to save her, but he doesn't. He can't seem to move. Or maybe he just doesn't want to.
He remembers Tijuana, Luke's face as they walked in on him kissing with Holly. He remembers Marissa's draught face, her limbs lifeless when he picked her up.
He remembers the rush to the hospital, Summer crying in the back seat, leaning against the window. She wanted to sit there, eyes closed, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed.
Ryan could only look to his left at Seth as he drives back. Seth gives him a tight smile, and then Ryan closes his eyes and the scenery changes.
Kirsten is looking at him, down at him, and she isn't pleased. Sandy is standing by her side, shaking his head. "You disappointed us Ryan. Why?"
Ryan wants to explain, to ask her to forgive him, but he can't say a word. His lips won't move.
She shakes her head and he can see tears in her eyes. "Why? We love you."
I love you, he wants to say. I love you both. He doesn't.
"Ryan--?"
"Why?"
Ryan wants to stand up, but he can't. Sandy places his hand on Kirsten's shoulder and she turns around, hugging Sandy and crying on his chest. Ryan just watches them.
"Ryan?"
He stares at them.
"Dude, Ryan?"
There's a shake on his shoulder and he blinks, confused. He blinks a couple of times before he can open his eyes, really open them. He grimaces, light pouring inside, a shadow dark as it stands over him, so much light it makes it impossible to recognize the face. He can only see lines of black and gray, can almost distinguish lips and ears in the form.
"Dude, you okay?"
Ryan frowns, rubbing his eyes. It takes him a moment to get used to the early afternoon light that spills in through the open doors of the pool house.
Seth grins, face bent as he stares at Ryan. "Hey, I think you were out."
Ryan snorts, pushing himself into a sitting position. He turns and looks at Seth. Seth's standing there, smiling at him, almost bouncing on his heels. That much energy almost makes Ryan's head hurt. He pinches the bridge of his nose.
"Were you asleep?"
It's a stupid question, really, considering Seth obviously found him passed out on the bed. Still, Ryan nods. "Yeah, I think."
"It's four in the afternoon."
"So?" Ryan's lip curls upward the left side of his mouth.
"It's four in the afternoon, dude." Seth pushes Ryan's legs to the side so he has enough room to sit down on the bed. "It's like, early. Why do you need a nap?"
"I don't need a nap."
Seth shrugs. "Yeah, well, I just saw you taking a nap."
Ryan shakes his head. It'd be pointless to try to convince Seth he just fell asleep. "What do you want?"
"Dude, you sure are cranky after waking up."
"Seth."
Seth chuckles, nudging Ryan's side. "Saturday afternoon, dude."
Ryan nods. "Yeah, sure." He stands up, walking toward the bathroom in only his socks as Seth stretches his arms and leans comfortably against the pillows.
Saturday afternoon, unless there's an event to go to, means Nintendo Championships. Ryan turns on the faucet, water falling into his cupped hands, then he washes his face. After a moment, Ryan walks out.
The light makes Seth's silhouette stand out against the pastel colors of the pool house. Seth's comfortable stance in jeans and a shirt, one hand in his pocket, the other running through his curls, makes Ryan smile softly. Seth's eyes shine when he looks up and stares at Ryan, a grin forming in his lips slowly. Ryan grins back.
There's something so very natural about this, about being here with Seth, just looking at one another and smiling. Something that feels good. It's almost like home.
Ryan swallows thickly and his lips uncurl, falling into a thin line. He pushes the thought away as he picks up his shoes from the side of the bed. "Come on," he says over his shoulder, hearing Seth following behind, "I gotta kick your ass."
Seth's laughter fills the silence and it's like home all over again. He grimaces slightly, pushing the door open. He won't think about that either.
Ryan tabs his pencil against his thigh, eyes focused on the book in front of him. He really is trying to understand Elements of Abstract and Linear Algebra, but his mind just isn't into it. He has read the definitions and the theorems, but it doesn't seem to be written in English. At least, not in an English he can get. He gives up as he reads yet another theorem.
Thus defining a homomorphism on a quotient module is the same as defining a homomorphism on the numerator that sends the denominator to þ.
As the words don't make any more sense than they did a second before, Ryan closes the book. He sighs, trying to remember what other homework he has to get done besides Algebra. There's Physics, but he still has another week for the project. Then there's Literature, but he's doesn't feel like reading at the moment. And Biology. A paper on spores, types and graphics. Pretty much everything they can find in spores. A group project. In pairs. Seth and him.
Ryan closes his eyes, biting his lower lip.
It's not that he has been avoiding Seth, because that's close to impossible. They live in the same house, they have breakfast together, they go to the same school, they have two out of five classes together. The list goes on and on.
However, in the past five days, since Seth towered over Ryan as he took a nap, things have seemed to look differently. There are things Ryan never saw before that are crystal clear right now. The way Seth tilts his head when he talks with Ryan. How he gives Ryan the comics first, even before reading them himself.
Now, Ryan notices that Seth lights up when he tells Ryan about a class and a teacher, about something he either heard or read. Seth's brown eyes dance and there's a bounce in his step as they walk.
The first two days, Ryan was certain he was imagining things. It took him another day to realize he wasn't. Yesterday, all Ryan could do was stare into Seth's eyes as the boy spoke, mesmerized by Seth's voice and passion. By everything surrounding him.
Ryan wonders for a moment if he's losing it, because that can be the only explanation. He groans, placing his arm over his eyes as he shields the light coming from the opened curtains, the inside of his eyelids turning even darker. He bites his lower lip.
Whatever this is, this... thing that's crawling on his skin, that's burrowing itself deep under the flesh, Ryan can't it let rule him. He can't. There are other things to be considered. First and foremost, he promised Kirsten he'd be better. He promised himself he'd be better. And Ryan knows that whatever this is, it doesn't help his case. So he won't.
Ryan nods, agreeing with his mental line of reasoning. He will forget about this other light showing him things about Seth he hadn't considered before. Like Seth's laughter, how he laughs with his whole body. He shakes his head again.
No, no thinking about that. No. He swallows. Homework. He has to think about homework. He sighs, knowing that if he can't do the Algebra homework, the least he can do is get started in Biology. And for that, he needs to talk with Seth.
He stands up in a jump, driven by the desire to do the homework, not anything else. Not anything else. He walks to his small desk and picks up his Biology book, along with his notebook. The paper, he keeps in mind. The paper about spores. The paper that needs to get done because it's due on Monday. The paper.
He thinks of nothing else but the paper, and the teacher, and how boring the subject is as he crosses the backyard, walks into the house and makes his way up the stairs. He keeps his mind focused, centered and clear as he knocks on the door and pushes it open after a moment.
Seth's sitting on the bed, books scattered around him, everything the mess that somehow is characteristically him. There're a couple of comic books over his pillow, and Seth would probably say, "just in case I get too bored with homework because, dude, really, it happens. And I need the distraction."
Ryan can almost hear the word dude coming from Seth's lips. A word Ryan never thought could fit someone the way it fits Seth. Except, it does. And Seth made it his word. Ryan likes it that way.
Brown eyes gaze at him and then a smile forms on Seth's lips. Ryan can only smile back. Those brown eyes shine, as Ryan has learned they do.
"Dude," Seth says.
Ryan swallows thickly.
"So, what ya doing? Coz, really, homework is sucking the life out of me, I'm telling you."
Ryan parts his lips, meaning to answer, meaning to ask about Biology and if Seth has started doing research, but the words die on his lips.
"Dude?"
Ryan nods, almost numbly, and blinks once. His eyes focus on Seth, really seeing him. He lets out a soft sigh under his breath. Maybe he is seeing things, like right now. Maybe Ryan shouldn't be considered sane, not at this particular moment, but he can't do anything but stare.
He can only stare at Seth. At those brown eyes that gaze back with utter trust. The hand that reached out and offered himself as a friend. A smile that let him know things would work out. The very same person that stood by his side, that since the very beginning, wanted nothing more than to be Ryan's friend. To be with Ryan.
For him, for Ryan, it means the world.
And even above those reasons there's a something about Seth that Ryan can't describe, but makes him wonder how he didn't see it before. Maybe this is why it wasn't supposed to work out with Marissa. Something was missing. Maybe it's because they just weren't meant to be. No matter how much Ryan wanted to take care of her, to save her, he could never do it. It wasn't his place.
Maybe that's why Seth was always first.
First and last. There. Always. That missing piece was Seth. All this time, all along, it was Seth.
Ryan knows he was blind to this everything that is standing before him, asking him to take that chance, waiting for him to take the leap.
So, he does. Ryan leaps forward in utter trust. With a thick swallow, hands shaking and legs that barely respond, Ryan takes a step forward, closing the space between them.
He leans over, hands reaching for either side of Seth's face, and he captures those lips that grin like Ryan is the only reason that could exist for Seth to grin. Ryan places a kiss on soft lips. A kiss that is tender and loving, unlike any other before. He inhales shakily when he finds himself being kissed with as much trust as he has put into the action.
It feels right.
When Ryan pulls away, he looks into Seth's eyes and Seth can't help but smile. Ryan smiles back. His right thumb caresses Seth's cheek lightly and his heart constricts. Standing here, with Seth, feels natural. Like he belongs. Ryan likes that feeling.
Belonging has a meaning he could never have imagined. Belonging means being with Seth.
Very first season. And very... corny? Well. *shrugs* Had to get it out. I don't believe in stories written and not published. *g*
That said... Shadowboxing might be getting an ending sometime soon. *g*