Hearings
Todd was thoughtful, concerned, and sweet about how I might be triggered by Dr. Ford's testimony against Judge Kavanaugh. I was surprised that I was not triggered by her testimony. I was triggered by the statements of Sen. Hatch and Sen. Graham. Her testimony sounded sadly familiar to me. Their statements also sounded sadly familiar. They confirmed aspects of why women don't come forward after sexual assault and rape.
Lindsey Graham stated that he is afraid people (read: men) won't want to come forward to serve because of the risk of allegations and what those could do to their reputation, to their family, and to their careers. He does not seem to care that women will not want to come forward to tell the truth because of the near certainty of counter accusations and disbelief and the resulting total upheaval of their lives, lives of their loved ones, and often their careers.
I was triggered by women commenting on posts or posting opinion pieces including their view that it was inconceivable that a real victim would wait more than 35 years to report a sexual assault. It's conceivable to me. It makes perfect sense to me.
I didn't report my rape because I didn't realize it was rape until years later. I didn't want to suffer the indignity of an investigation or of anyone in my family or circles knowing about it. I didn't think I had proof, since there was no rape kit, and I wasn't ready to dredge up all the memories that went with it. Almost two decades later, I have not officially reported the rape, and I will not. I have never told my family (aside from my sister), and I definitely don't want my parents to know. It's not that I'm afraid of what they would think of me, but it's a very complicated situation. I am not up for the level of drama and worry about the pain telling them would cause. I like to think that I would take the leap that Dr. Ford did to report and testify if it became an issue for a community, but I know I would strongly prefer that it never comes to that or that it doesn't come up until after my parents are gone. Fortunately, my rapist did not pursue the judicial system and has not yet pursued politics.
I've made a lot of progress, and I was proud of myself that I could listen to Dr. Ford's historic testimony. However, I find myself needing to dig up a "poem" I wrote early in my healing process. I wrote it for a demonstration put on at Butler University to provide victims of sexual harassment and assault a way to put words to their pain, needs, and desires in a way that informed others. T-shirts were painted and displayed on clotheslines on campus. I painstakingly transferred my piece with a paint pen. It references both the rape and the emotionally and verbally abusive relationship that had my mind so twisted that I couldn't register that it was rape until years later.
I chose the title because my rapist is allergic to Queen Anne's Lace. It's a flower I've always loved, and I once considered planting a border of it around any yard I might own to repel that person.
Queen Anne's Lace