2006: Year of Cleansing
No, I'm not going to promote or involve myself in hate crimes. I am absolutely opposed to such things.
The point is that I hope to make this year a year of healing my pain, reducing my fear, and organizing my life and surroundings. I made great steps in "cleansing" in 2002-2003 and one particular step (posting most of this on the PAWS Clothesline Project) in 2005, but 2004-2005 pretty much shredded me. I want to be the person God wants me to be, do the things He wants me to do, and have a relationship with Him. I don't want my relationships to be tainted with pain. I don't want my actions to be tainted my tendency to lash out from pain.
For me, pain is proof of reality (one reason I can't stand crazy-happy music) and truth. I don't crave it, though. I accept what I think needs to be in order to have created the wonderful aspects of my life and the lives of those around me, but I can only stand so much--like anyone.
I'm a deeply sensitive person. My strongest sensitivities are to sound, touch, nuances of social interaction, and emotion. I am not always thoughtful in a positive-outcomes kind of way, and I miss my share of details, but I am deeply impacted by what I experience. That is why I can't be around loud people for long and--quite honestly--one reason why I don't maintain relationships well. I care about people in general, and I definitely care (especially actively) for my friends and family, but something I notice or realize might exist often blocks me from visiting or speaking with friends and family as much as I would like. It's marvelous when the sensitivity leads to a better, positive understanding and connection with music, creation, and others and crippling otherwise. I would never give it up, but I need to learn how to deal with it. I'm ashamed it's taken me this long to understand the little I do about my sensitivities. This is one area I will have to master if I am to cleanse the excess pain.
Looking back on the last paragraph, I realize that much of the pain is caused by a combination of sensitivity and fear. I remember discussing something with Todd in the last year or so and stating that I've never been so fearful as I have been in the last few years. Before, I had a strength in hope and faith, and I had a strong sense of expectation. I want to rebuild and surpass what I am ashamed to have let crumble.
I can eliminated other feelings of turmoil and chaos by finally making decisions about what I want, where I want it, and when I want it. I just have a lot of "sitting down" and sorting-out to do. I'll do it, though. I'm not the only one who depends on it.
I will turn things around this year. I will become who I need to be.