reality check
I realize that I have been depending on this journal a lot lately. It lets me say whatever i want and doesn't try to tell me how to feel or what to do. Things are just so frustrating and complicated when they don't need to be. Everyday seems to bring more controversy or problematic situations into my life and I just need to run away from it all for a while.
My dad left yesterday for Atlanta. He's trying to come home in two weeks to see us for a weekend. It's going to be weird when Noah goes back to school and it's just my mom and I. My problem with this i guess is knowing that my relationship with my father from now on is going to be at a distance. He'll be gone until i graduate and then I'll be in college and having my own life from then on out.
My great grandmother is still in the process of dying. As a result my mom is slowly deteriorating in emotional health and spirit. I don't want to live to be 96.
I just feel like I am out of control of my own life. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm not running it alone, but I need some stability. I thought that this break was going to be the best ever you know? It would be just what I needed. I just feel cheated of something great. My life is being run by everyone else but me. I have no say because I'm a pushover...I'm a fixer. I try to make everyone happy and fix everything that's wrong. I can't do it. I realized recently that I just can't do it. I want something that I can deal with and handle on my own...or maybe have someone try to make me happy or fix me this time. I don't want to feel like this. I don't really even want to feel.
And the thing that leaves me feeling empty is knowing you won't be here.