Reconciliation
How do you define 'Forgiveness'? I'm sure a lot of bright people debated this for centuries. But I don't have access to their archives to find out. So how do you define it?
A couple of dictionaries say:
a virtue, is forgiving, pardon of a fault, remission of a debt. To forgive means give up, cease to harbor resentment, wrath, to remit a debt, to give up resentment or claim to requital for, pardon an offense. .
and
Forgiveness is the mental, emotional and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. ..
That is probably the closest I'll come to it, so I'll accept that. Interesting how the 1st day of the month I set as a goal to be my fresh start; is the day that suddenly I could look back and really forgive myself; at least partly; for an act I did approximately four years ago.
As many of you know, the start of the new millennium was fraught with hell. I went from 3 jobs, and a lease, to within 3 years, loosing the lease and having to return home with the folks, and giving the jobs up. Watching my favorate uncle go from a vibratant outgoing man, to one HALF his size and totally invalid then passing away from cancer. A cousin passing from a lung disease he got from the plant he worked in for all his life. My mother having a heart attack, myself diagnosed with diabetes, but worse of all. Having to say goodbye to my best friend and beloved dog, Dot, my dalmation.
I had to watch Dot go to the vet; a place she didn't like at all. Holding her down when the vet found the vein, to give her the - final shot - then slowly her suffering going away till she lost final control of her blatter.
Since then, I've felt like a murderer because I couldn't accept what I had to do. I kept feeling like "was it the right thing? Was it the right time?" type of things.
But now after a fortunate set of circumstances I've finally, at least partly, come to forgive myself for it.
The last few days has been rather problematic, I've had a sore shoulder, and because of such I've been unable to sleep well. Because of such my mental 'defenses' for lack of a better term has broken down. Defenses I used to keep all bad memories at bay. Ones in particular was those last days with Dot. I can remember them clearly. Isn't it ironic that we can remember bad stuff so clearly and others not? After a lot of soul searching, and thinking, that perhapses yes. It was her time. She was in pain, and I can clearly remember her last meal. I had to hold her head up enough so she could eat. And she was starving, disipte feeding her almost 3x a day. This was like my uncle. He barely had the strength in his last days. Dot was loosing a lot of weight, and almost every few hours she was circling around and around, stumbling and falling, panting from the exertion. Much like Schyner does when circumstances are strong; say when she wants and knows she'll be going by-by she'll circle around at the front of the door. Then sit, then get up and run around a bit. Dot for some reason she wasn't 'her'. She had no control over her rectum as well and many times we had to clean up her messes and wash her off.
I think mentally she was in as much agony or more than physically. She didn't want to soil in the house and never peed even during that time. After the vet gave her that morphine shot the last time and we brought her home for the last few hours, she slept better than I ever saw her in the last few weeks. Mother took a final photo of her, since she looked so peaceful I remember her saying. I've YET to see that photo, and I'm still not sure if I can. But one step at a time, right?
The last thing I remember doing, is I wanted me to be the last thing she smelled and saw as she went to sleep...for good. I kept my face in my hands, and my face close to hers whispering things about love, being the best I've ever known and had. Trying to be upbeat and calm. But I'm sure she could sense my agony.
I got home and released it all finally. I was emotionally, physically and mentally drained. After the burial, then came a couple of weeks of emotional tormoral until my unconscious mind finally accepted her passing with my goodbye dream I longed for. That's another I clearly remember. When I was at the original house, where she was first brought into our 'pack' and lived her first few years. I met her around the heat-pump of the house. I hugged her, and was so overjoyed to see her.
[sighs] I'd better finish this while I can. I don't need it bringing me down. Lets just end this with me saying I'm finally on the right path. I have less on my back and shoulders now it appears. But it appears also I can finally re-read those old LJ postings I did back then. I looked back though them today and it was ok. Not like it was a few weeks ago.
Oh because of several things I couldn't finish this till April 02. Dammed work has been a dom, and I it's bitch.
- Shado
A couple of dictionaries say:
a virtue, is forgiving, pardon of a fault, remission of a debt. To forgive means give up, cease to harbor resentment, wrath, to remit a debt, to give up resentment or claim to requital for, pardon an offense. .
and
Forgiveness is the mental, emotional and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. ..
That is probably the closest I'll come to it, so I'll accept that. Interesting how the 1st day of the month I set as a goal to be my fresh start; is the day that suddenly I could look back and really forgive myself; at least partly; for an act I did approximately four years ago.
As many of you know, the start of the new millennium was fraught with hell. I went from 3 jobs, and a lease, to within 3 years, loosing the lease and having to return home with the folks, and giving the jobs up. Watching my favorate uncle go from a vibratant outgoing man, to one HALF his size and totally invalid then passing away from cancer. A cousin passing from a lung disease he got from the plant he worked in for all his life. My mother having a heart attack, myself diagnosed with diabetes, but worse of all. Having to say goodbye to my best friend and beloved dog, Dot, my dalmation.
I had to watch Dot go to the vet; a place she didn't like at all. Holding her down when the vet found the vein, to give her the - final shot - then slowly her suffering going away till she lost final control of her blatter.
Since then, I've felt like a murderer because I couldn't accept what I had to do. I kept feeling like "was it the right thing? Was it the right time?" type of things.
But now after a fortunate set of circumstances I've finally, at least partly, come to forgive myself for it.
The last few days has been rather problematic, I've had a sore shoulder, and because of such I've been unable to sleep well. Because of such my mental 'defenses' for lack of a better term has broken down. Defenses I used to keep all bad memories at bay. Ones in particular was those last days with Dot. I can remember them clearly. Isn't it ironic that we can remember bad stuff so clearly and others not? After a lot of soul searching, and thinking, that perhapses yes. It was her time. She was in pain, and I can clearly remember her last meal. I had to hold her head up enough so she could eat. And she was starving, disipte feeding her almost 3x a day. This was like my uncle. He barely had the strength in his last days. Dot was loosing a lot of weight, and almost every few hours she was circling around and around, stumbling and falling, panting from the exertion. Much like Schyner does when circumstances are strong; say when she wants and knows she'll be going by-by she'll circle around at the front of the door. Then sit, then get up and run around a bit. Dot for some reason she wasn't 'her'. She had no control over her rectum as well and many times we had to clean up her messes and wash her off.
I think mentally she was in as much agony or more than physically. She didn't want to soil in the house and never peed even during that time. After the vet gave her that morphine shot the last time and we brought her home for the last few hours, she slept better than I ever saw her in the last few weeks. Mother took a final photo of her, since she looked so peaceful I remember her saying. I've YET to see that photo, and I'm still not sure if I can. But one step at a time, right?
The last thing I remember doing, is I wanted me to be the last thing she smelled and saw as she went to sleep...for good. I kept my face in my hands, and my face close to hers whispering things about love, being the best I've ever known and had. Trying to be upbeat and calm. But I'm sure she could sense my agony.
I got home and released it all finally. I was emotionally, physically and mentally drained. After the burial, then came a couple of weeks of emotional tormoral until my unconscious mind finally accepted her passing with my goodbye dream I longed for. That's another I clearly remember. When I was at the original house, where she was first brought into our 'pack' and lived her first few years. I met her around the heat-pump of the house. I hugged her, and was so overjoyed to see her.
[sighs] I'd better finish this while I can. I don't need it bringing me down. Lets just end this with me saying I'm finally on the right path. I have less on my back and shoulders now it appears. But it appears also I can finally re-read those old LJ postings I did back then. I looked back though them today and it was ok. Not like it was a few weeks ago.
Oh because of several things I couldn't finish this till April 02. Dammed work has been a dom, and I it's bitch.
- Shado