My Mist Review or Why I hate movies and movie culture sometimes
How was your turkey weekend? Mine was good. I'll talk about that later.
There, now with that out of the way, let's get into this. Because it's long, and I don't blame you for not wanting to read it.
I saw "The Mist" over the weekend and it has me so pissed off on every front that a post like this was just begging to be written.
SPOILER ALERT!!! I am going to SPOIL EVERY ASPECT OF THIS FILM AS I TEAR IT APART..so be forewarned if you wanted to see this...though I am doing you a favor and saving you some money by writing this up.
So it seems I am the only person in the whole world who thinks "The Mist" was the most wretched dreck ever put on film. IMDB has it listed at 8.0 right now, Rotten Tomatoes has it at about half, and CHUD.com gave it a 8.0 also with a oh so GLOWING review that it can do no wrong.
But I'm standing my ground. I will shout it from the hill tops that "THE MIST" IS THE *WWWOOOOORRRSSSTTTT* FILM I HAVE EVER SEEN!! EVER!! EVER EVER!!111!!!!!1
It is worse than "Dreamcatcher", worse than "Salo" (though not by much), worse than "Lost in Translation". THE WORST!!! EVER! Why?
I've broken it down to four points...
1) Failure on Character
2) Failure on Effects
3) Failure on Music
4) Failure on Theme
Allow me to explain each...
1) Failure on character
Crime: ALL characters are one-dimensional, clunky dialogue giving- machines subservient to the message that the author wanted to deliver.
Evidence: Characterization is completely thrown out the window in order to serve up the message of the plot. Do you know how much exposition we get on the main character? About 5 FREGGIN minutes worth. The film starts, there's a storm, the next day we meet his next door neighbor (where we see there is some tension between the two), the father and son take off to the supermarket and BAMN...the mist hits.
After the mist hits and everyone gets trapped inside the supermarket...the first half of the film becomes "Who can act the most stereotyped to the role they are suppose to be portraying". Religious freak - C'MON DOWN! Loving couple - C'MON DOWN! Rational freak - C'MON DOWN! Gruff Hick - C'MON DOWN! Your all contestants on " WHAT KIND OF PERSON WILL YOU BE IN A CRISIS SITUTAION".
What pissed me off the most though was the way that each character had to *explicitly* state how they are reacting based on what they believe in. Something along the lines of this...(and keep in mind I am not that far off)...
Hero - We have to do something!
Kid - I want to go outside and see what's going on!
Hero - Don't! Your just acting like that because your young! Don't be stupid!
Gruff HIck - Shut up Hero! Just because your head strong doesn't mean you can tell people what to do! We don't have to listen to you!
Hero - Hey Gruff Hick! Don't be so gruff! This is a crisis situation, we have to be careful!
Religious Woman - God is vengeful! This is because of all our sins! We must repent!!
Logic Guy - Hey Religious Woman! I'm logical! My logic tells me that we have to approach this situation logically and use logic! It can't be monsters or God because logic says it can't be!
Hero - Hey Religious Woman and Logic Guy! You're both taking the extreme position on this crisis situation! I have a kid son so my position is that I have to do what is best for him!
Kid - I'm going outside! I don't care what you say! I have to prove that I am not afraid and a man. Oh God help! I'm being eaten by really poorly rendered Japanese hentai!
Hero - Oh you Kid! I told you so! See what happens when you don't follow the rules Gruff Hick?
Gruff Hick - Oh I was wrong! I guess I shouldn't have been so gruff! I have seen the consequences of my actions, so now I will join Religious Woman and pray for my soul!
..and so on...and so on...and so on...
Seriously. Its like I wouldn't understand anything unless it was spelled out for me. Look at "The Thing" (which had a nod to it in the movie), Each persons take on what was happening was brought out through normal dialogue. Granted there wasn't the religious nut person in that group acting as the antagonist when the creature wasn't around, but just the general sense of mistrust filled that role in "The Thing". "12 Angry Men"...Wow! Differences of opinion through intelligent "normal" debate. "Dawn of the Dead"...Huh?? I don't get it, different characterizations through "real world" dialogue? Wait, even though that zombie film dealt directly with religious themes, people expressed their views through dialogue?
"The Mist"? None of that! Every character was there to show the different extreme reactions in a crisis situation. How would you react? Who would you be? Those are fine things to address to be sure, but when that's all your character is, you don't need much dialogue.
The biggest offender was the Religious Nut. Seriously, I didn't need 3/4th of her dialogue. Most of her screen time was used in pissing me off by restating the same thing OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. People in the theatre cheered when she got shot. They didn't try to show her as a real person, but as the complete extreme stereotype.
The second worst offender was the logic next door neighbor guy. JUST GO IN THE BACK AND FUCKING SEE!!! Just go look!! Just as blindly as the Religious woman got her followers, he got his. Then they all walked out the door into the Mist and presumably got eaten. Oh wow, I guess that showed them!
The Army guy trying to explain that it was all the Army's fault because they were experimenting in QUANTIUM REALITIES? Hurray! Now the plot's all convoluted and only Lovecraftian / Star Trek fans get to grin and snicker!
Personally I could care less where the mist came from! I know that it's just the FREGGIN PLOT DEVICE!!! The McGuffin!! I am smart enough to figure out that the "horror" in the movie comes not from the barley glimpsed monsters, but from the reactions of the humans to the situation! I don't need some stupid army MP stuffed with spiders (a la "Lost in Space the Movie") telling me that it was "our fault" that all that happened. I DONT CARE WHERE THE MIST CAME FROM!!
Oh and the Hero screaming at the end? LAUGHABLE!! ARRUUGG AAARRRGGHHH AUUOOOGGG...He sounded like Charlie Brown after Lucy pulls the football out from under him! IF YOU WANTED TO DIE SO BAD WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST RUN INTO THE MIST instead of standing there?? Oh I am shocked and can really feel his pain!
2) Failure on Effects
Crime: Tentacle scene
Evidence: I couldn't tell if I was watching the cut-scene from the new "Legend of the Overfiend" or "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" Xbox game. Also, it seems as though a closing shutter door is more powerful then a creature from another dimension. Kitty Litter is not though. Neither is a stockboy.
Also the spider scene was a lot more interesting when it was in "8 Legged Freaks". OR possibly "Arachnaphobia". Either way, I really enjoyed that scene better when it was in Aliens and took place in the reactor room. OOOOOHHH SNAP!!
Oh and in case you were counting, we only saw 6 different creatures. 3 of them clearly. So it got to be in both camps...less is more and more blood makes more money! Hurray!
3) Failure on Music
Crime: Mist driving scene
Evidence: Oh Mark Ishim. I liked that score better when it was in "The Beast". EEEEHHHHUUUUUUUUWAAAAAWAAAAAAAAAARRRUUUUUUUEERRRWAAAAMMMMM.
Because of course, to me, no music says tension like middle eastern music. Even though I am basically looking at a car driving though mist. I know this is just me but Mist=Ambient=Synth. Why couldn't Brian Eno do this score? Seriously, you can tell your friends I called this one after you watch "The Beast" and see that Mark phoned in his score by basically somehow relating the two movies and using the same basic score (i.e. something wandering through the vast expanse of someplace).
4) Failure on Theme
Crime: FUCK THAT ENDING!
Evidence: If you couldn't see that ending coming like a freight train to your crotch, I have a ball for you. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it. Anytime you have a scene in a monster movie that goes generally along these lines....
Loved Person to Lover Person - I love you X. I really love you. I always have. Please take care of me X. Don't let anything happen to me. I don't want to die by/get eaten by/ turn into [monster in film]. So please protect me/ kill me.
Lover Person to Loved Person - I love you too Y. I really do. Ever since [nostalgic moment]. I will take care/ protect/ die for/ kill you Y.
Chances are that [monster in film] is going to get to that loved person by the end of the film. Yea? So HE SHOT EVERYONE and HIS SON!!! OHHHH that's so shocking!! I've haven't seen a scene like that since "Dawn of the Dead / Million Dollar Baby / The Virgin Spring / The Great Yokai War". That is to say the Hero has to kill someone close to them and could we do it also? Scenes meant to "shock" that have no context or emotional connectivity, piss me off. And even my dad, who doesn't watch a lot of movies said out loud, "Oh now the military is going to show up right?". And just for the record, That scene with the two military guys standing over the hero was really awkward. Why would you just have them stand there like, "UHH, this guy is screaming..what should we do?" Oh wait that's right, it supposed to be just for us, the viewer to mull over what just happened.
Also, in no particular order...
What was the purpose of having the lower torso get dragged away? Why didn't the spiders come in from next door? Why didn't more things come through the broken window? Why didn't something huge just rip apart the place? Why didn't anyone try to use their cell phone? Why didn't the rope break? Why did the car have flood lights? Why was the road clear enough to drive though? Why am I bothering to ask these questions when people will just say, "It's only a movie! Don' think too much about it!" even though they are clearly bringing up complex social and human instinctual themes for analysis?
In Conclusion:
Mist / Creatures = The Warden
Religious Woman = The Sisters
Supermarket = Prison
The Driving Scene = Crawling through the shit pipe scene
Old Guy = Red
David = Andy
The Mist = The Anti-Shawshank Redemption
Be the first one on your block to say "He crawled through a river of shit, and didn't come through clean on the other side".