Oh me....Oh my....
People, sorry but this has to be done. I've been trying my hardest to keep things on track here, but the reality is that things are sucking. And sucking hard.
I've been unable to write anything here, or even for the Japanese blog, without it winding up sounding like a diatribe against everyone and everything. So I've decided to list it all up here, to hopefully air it out and put it into perspective. It just needs to get out there, and out of my head. So here goes....
-- Things life is making sure I am fully aware of --
1) I am missing two weddings I should be going to this month. One of which is a good friends I really should be going to.
2) Last week the company managed to screw me over again by having a meeting with the board of education people and telling them that I'm leaving, without me being present like they said I would be so I could tell them myself.
3) Tomorrow I tell the rest of the teachers at the middle school that I am leaving, then I get to make the same speech at 4 more schools.
4) The silent treatment by some who know I am leaving has begun, some...I think... think I am leaving because I don't like Japan (On a side note, if you ever want to find out who your friends really are, move to a foreign country, that weeds um' out real quick...I don't think average person quite understands what it really means to live abroad and the consequences of doing it).
5) [Edit: I decided to update this one, because the GF and I had a talk and it seems the problem was mostly on my end and had a great deal to do with number 11 here on the list, so a big majority of that problem was on my end..i.e. I mistranslated something she said to me and took it in the wrong context...it's all worked out now though]
6) Packing and moving is quite possibly the worst torture that an average person can go through.
7) I just spent 1,600 on a plane ticket. I was tired when I bought it online and didn't really quite work it out that I was leaving on Aug 6. On that note, I'll be back home on Aug 6.
8) I have/will have had a second rate cruddy job where the sentence, "Shane is here today, so we don't need the CD player" was often heard and after rent and medical and other various taxes and fees were taken out...I was making 7.00 an hour. 5.80 if I tried to send any money home to be put into my bank account.
9) My entire "social" life consists of...nothing. The last fun thing I did was 3 months ago. I can't do any of my hobbies here and the one club I tried to join I was made to feel like such an unwelcome guest, I quit. [edit: well there is tea ceremony on Mondays that I like, but the drive there is two hours, in Japanese traffic, so any enjoyment I had gets sucked out as soon as I leave]
10) The only thing that I have been looking forward to for the past 4 months I may not be able to go to.
11) I have been studying Japanese now for 10 years and I sound like the Japanese equivalent of Borat and I can't even pass the second grade of a proficiency test. I still make stupid mistakes on easy things and I'm actually thinking about getting more into debt because of it.
12) Apparently all the clothes I sent home already wound up smelling like a toilet thanks to the cheaper boat shipping.
13) My mom is sick
14) I'm 30 and have an English lit bachelors. = I'm 30 and have nothing.
15) Working here has actually *cost* me money, and I have almost no savings to speak of.
16) I have no job prospects waiting for me.
17) I want to get my Masters. = I have to take out another 40,000 dollar loan.
18) Just to be able to talk to some of my good friends and have a good laugh costs me $150
19) After I leave here I won't be able to study tea ceremony with my favorite teacher.
20) A real lot of the time, I feel like I have nothing interesting to say, I'm anti-social at best and full of sh*t all the rest of the time.
21) I really fucking hate Michael Bay no matter how cool the transformers look.
22) I am going to miss looking at mountains after I leave.
23) I think way too much, though I despise when I read on movie message boards that people should "turn their minds off" when they go to see summer movies. Seriously, I hate Michael Bay.
24) I am going to miss seeing The Simpsons movie with all the people I should be seeing it with. It's ironically very much like the episode where Bart isn't allowed to see the Itchy&Scratchy movie. I get to come back to Chicago and go...How was it? to which people will look down and say..."aww..it wasn't that good. Really? Nah, IT WAS GREAT!" ( I don't actually know if it will be great, but I just like that scene).
25) They mostly come out at night.....mostly
26) I'm not crying.....it was just raining a little on my face.[Edit: due to some emails I got I should say that I wasn't actually crying, it's was just a line from a song that I really like by the "Flight of the Concords" from the eariler post]
27) I've haven't been home in a year, and I'm actually feeling a little intimidated about living back home again.
28) It's 1:53 in the morning and I can't get to sleep because I'm making a stupid list of things.
Okay yea, now I'm reaching. But yea, there we go. Feels a little better just to get it all out there. Cleanse the pallet so to speak. I'm sure everything will work out, everything will be fine. But man, pressure and stress and other people messing with you really isn't fun. I'll be happy once all of this is over.
I know I'm kinda ramblin here, and I'm not too good with words...but I think these song lyrics really convey what I'm trying to get across here. So if you don't mind, I'd like to just end by quoting from them....
Now now now now now
After you back it up, then stop
Then wha-wha-what? drop, drop it like it's hot
Now after you back it up, then stop
Now, wha-wha-wha-what? drop it like it's hot
Now drop it like it's hot, drop, drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot, drop drop it like it's hot
Drop it like it's hot, drop drop it like it's hot