(no subject)
I just can't stand being pushed away. I can't. I don't understand how anyone could do that even jokingly...maybe because I'm not capable of doing that. Even when I'm so upset that I can't even speak, affection gives me comfort. Now that I think about it, it's not dissimilar to the way I feel when I binge...a nice feeling in the moment but doesn't resolve anything.
I just don't fucking get it with relationships. Why the fuck do I have to act like I don't want to touch him and don't want to be around him, for him to show interest in me? What's with the necsessity of holding back? When I like someone, I want to be around them, I want to touch them, I want to talk to them...is there something wrong with that? I fucking hate this whole game! All it does is make me more insecure, which makes me wanna be around him more and makes me feel like I need his affection and attention, and then I become needy and I can't stand myself and then I'm stuck all over again.
Nights like this, I wonder where this is going, if it's going anywhere, am I actually growing emotionally from this experience or declining in self-confidence? I really don't know...
The fact that even Marcus thinks that there's something wrong with a relationship where I have to ask for him to spend time with me says something, doesn't it?
I think it wouldn't be so hard, except I've felt like a bad person lately. Okay, maybe not a bad person, but I'm not as much of a good person as I used to be. It's not that I do bad things or anything, I just used to be so much nicer and moral and loving towards people and dependable. I'm more self-absorbed at this moment than I have been in a long time, and I'm not really liking myself because of it. Sometimes I start talking and I listen to myself and I just hate hearing myself talk, because I only talk about myself.
*I'm overly moody/weepy tonight, and trying to just go with it. It's mostly hormones with mild insecurities. I'll be okay tomorrow.*
I had a dream that I heard Greg fucking one of my roommates, Sandy, in his room. In the dream, I came home from work, figured Greg was sleeping, sat in the living room talking with my roommates, noticing they were acting uncomfortable...and then I heard them both. The dream is probably just a result of having heard Sandy having sex with people (she's not exactly quiet). I haven't said anything to him about it, I don't think I will...but that was a fucked up dream. I never want to feel like that again, like I did watching Joe that one night all that shit went down. I've never felt sicker in my life than that night, and remembering it for weeks afterwards. I hope it wasn't one of my "psychic" dreams that comes true 3 months afterwards.
Speaking of Joe, I haven't written back to him yet since I got his letter in October. That's not helping my feeling like a bad person thing, because it is bad of me. I'm usually a better friend than that.
I got into a confrontation with the angry roommate, Chris, the other night. It resolved itself eventually, he started in on me and I didn't walk away, I held my ground and there's a possibility that he actually understood what I was talking about...but it didn't stop me from completely falling apart as soon as I left the room. It wasn't that he said anything that hurt me, it wasn't anything that I did. I was proud of myself for the way I handled it. But the way he is, it's so much like the way my dad used to be with me that it brings up this enormous adrenaline rush and instinctual fear, and I haven't felt that for so, so long...I hate that too. I feel so weak and helpless and vulnerable, and then even after I manage to stand up for myself and everything I'm just so drained. I can't walk away, I'm never going to walk away from conflict anymore, whenever I've done it it just eats me. That fear is going to be there no matter what happens, at least I'll still have dignity if I don't walk away from it.
At least my cat loves me.
I just don't fucking get it with relationships. Why the fuck do I have to act like I don't want to touch him and don't want to be around him, for him to show interest in me? What's with the necsessity of holding back? When I like someone, I want to be around them, I want to touch them, I want to talk to them...is there something wrong with that? I fucking hate this whole game! All it does is make me more insecure, which makes me wanna be around him more and makes me feel like I need his affection and attention, and then I become needy and I can't stand myself and then I'm stuck all over again.
Nights like this, I wonder where this is going, if it's going anywhere, am I actually growing emotionally from this experience or declining in self-confidence? I really don't know...
The fact that even Marcus thinks that there's something wrong with a relationship where I have to ask for him to spend time with me says something, doesn't it?
I think it wouldn't be so hard, except I've felt like a bad person lately. Okay, maybe not a bad person, but I'm not as much of a good person as I used to be. It's not that I do bad things or anything, I just used to be so much nicer and moral and loving towards people and dependable. I'm more self-absorbed at this moment than I have been in a long time, and I'm not really liking myself because of it. Sometimes I start talking and I listen to myself and I just hate hearing myself talk, because I only talk about myself.
*I'm overly moody/weepy tonight, and trying to just go with it. It's mostly hormones with mild insecurities. I'll be okay tomorrow.*
I had a dream that I heard Greg fucking one of my roommates, Sandy, in his room. In the dream, I came home from work, figured Greg was sleeping, sat in the living room talking with my roommates, noticing they were acting uncomfortable...and then I heard them both. The dream is probably just a result of having heard Sandy having sex with people (she's not exactly quiet). I haven't said anything to him about it, I don't think I will...but that was a fucked up dream. I never want to feel like that again, like I did watching Joe that one night all that shit went down. I've never felt sicker in my life than that night, and remembering it for weeks afterwards. I hope it wasn't one of my "psychic" dreams that comes true 3 months afterwards.
Speaking of Joe, I haven't written back to him yet since I got his letter in October. That's not helping my feeling like a bad person thing, because it is bad of me. I'm usually a better friend than that.
I got into a confrontation with the angry roommate, Chris, the other night. It resolved itself eventually, he started in on me and I didn't walk away, I held my ground and there's a possibility that he actually understood what I was talking about...but it didn't stop me from completely falling apart as soon as I left the room. It wasn't that he said anything that hurt me, it wasn't anything that I did. I was proud of myself for the way I handled it. But the way he is, it's so much like the way my dad used to be with me that it brings up this enormous adrenaline rush and instinctual fear, and I haven't felt that for so, so long...I hate that too. I feel so weak and helpless and vulnerable, and then even after I manage to stand up for myself and everything I'm just so drained. I can't walk away, I'm never going to walk away from conflict anymore, whenever I've done it it just eats me. That fear is going to be there no matter what happens, at least I'll still have dignity if I don't walk away from it.
At least my cat loves me.