I could actually be happy
David Shirley, I have known him since junior high; he also happens to be one of my brother's best friends. So it was a little awkward when we started dating. And really, I can't say exactly why I got into the relationship. I was still trying to end an old one with Keith and rather unsuccessfully.
In any case, while we were dating, I got pregnant. I was never supposed to get pregnant. For about two months all we did was fight and ignore each other. I'd say something and it was combatted... he'd say something and I was frozen in confusion. It really was a horrible place to be, no clear communication at all. We ended breaking up. I think he broke up with me, he says he broke up with me because I wanted him too. Yet another failure in communication. The very next day, I asked to see him and we talked about how to make the separation complete. However, in less than a week, I sorted through the chaos and confusion to realize that, I really do want to stay with him. Unfortunately, he had already gone on a date, given up on me, and started in a new direction.
I guess you could say I pleaded my case... I asked him to come over... We started having sex again... and he has spent the night a couple of times. The talks we have now are more clear than they ever were before. Communication fixed, I honestly believe we can make it work. He, on the other hand, is very reserved. He doesn't want to be hurt, doesn't want to worry about my changing my mind again, and doesn't want to invest the time if it is only going to last a year er so until the kid is born. All of which make sense to me, and yet from my point of view, this is torturous. It is very hard to love someone that does not choose you. And maybe this is something I need to go through... I did put him through something very similiar. Oy...
Nothing is clear, and nothing is certain. All I have is drive and a load of hormones to battle with all the time. In the end he may break my heart (which I really hope DOES NOT happen) but I think having gone through all this, I will become a much stronger person... that or crumble into a pile of quivering tears. I can only face one day at a time, even though I would much rather fast forward to the end. I need a strength like I have never had, to put myself out there for rejection. To believe and strive for the idea that I could be happy with someone even though it means I will lose my independence. So fucking scary!
In any case, while we were dating, I got pregnant. I was never supposed to get pregnant. For about two months all we did was fight and ignore each other. I'd say something and it was combatted... he'd say something and I was frozen in confusion. It really was a horrible place to be, no clear communication at all. We ended breaking up. I think he broke up with me, he says he broke up with me because I wanted him too. Yet another failure in communication. The very next day, I asked to see him and we talked about how to make the separation complete. However, in less than a week, I sorted through the chaos and confusion to realize that, I really do want to stay with him. Unfortunately, he had already gone on a date, given up on me, and started in a new direction.
I guess you could say I pleaded my case... I asked him to come over... We started having sex again... and he has spent the night a couple of times. The talks we have now are more clear than they ever were before. Communication fixed, I honestly believe we can make it work. He, on the other hand, is very reserved. He doesn't want to be hurt, doesn't want to worry about my changing my mind again, and doesn't want to invest the time if it is only going to last a year er so until the kid is born. All of which make sense to me, and yet from my point of view, this is torturous. It is very hard to love someone that does not choose you. And maybe this is something I need to go through... I did put him through something very similiar. Oy...
Nothing is clear, and nothing is certain. All I have is drive and a load of hormones to battle with all the time. In the end he may break my heart (which I really hope DOES NOT happen) but I think having gone through all this, I will become a much stronger person... that or crumble into a pile of quivering tears. I can only face one day at a time, even though I would much rather fast forward to the end. I need a strength like I have never had, to put myself out there for rejection. To believe and strive for the idea that I could be happy with someone even though it means I will lose my independence. So fucking scary!