tired of being what Im not at the moment...strong

[scuttleny06]

Isn't it funny how we hide our feelings from the world. Each of us have a mask we wear when we go out into the world that hides our true feelings and allows the public to carry on feeling like everything is ok when its really not. Its the face of strength carrying on when the insides beg for mercy. Its funny how it takes more strength to fake happiness then it does to just let everything all out. Im tired of hiding everything, tired of trying to be strong when I really want to be weak. All this bottled up emotion is wearing me thin. I want to scream but I dont even have the energy to do that. Everything that has happened over the last week or so has me falling all over myself. The divorce with my parents is hurting me more than you might imagine. Yeah yeah I know my stepdad is a dick but still its tearing apart the only family I have ever known. I already felt alone and now its just like being trapped in a dark room with no way out. Everywhere I look I see perfect families that have wondeful little holidays and family get togethers and I just feel my stomach drop out. Why couldnt I have that, what the fuck is so wrong with me? Im tired of fighting for everything, why cant anything come easy. I just want something to just work. And Arielle, my dog for the last 11 years, has passed on and its hurtin more than I thought it would. Everywhere I look I just see things breaking down around me. Even my dad. I mean shit, come on, do you really think you can make up the last 15 years by one fucking holiday? Yeah im coming to NY, but not really cuz I want to, its more like I got no where else to go and anywhere but my house is better. You treated us like shit man, one phone call doesnt fix that. And dont pass me off to your wife, I didnt call to talk to her, I called for you so man the fuck up and take responsibility for something. So yeah im angry and pissed off. People are so damn fake and im tired of it. If you would have listened you would have seen that this had nothing to do with you. You think that the world revolves around you and maybe in some cases it does but damn open your eyes and see when a friend is cracking apart and needs your help. All I wanted, all I needed was to hear your voice,to help give me a moment of peace, to just take away the anger for a few minutes. You had my trust, my love. Any part of me that I had to give, you had. After everything, you still could make me forget about things for even just a few minutes and yet now your just another part of it. My head is just ready to bust. My heart isnt something I give freely. I dont just run around saying I love you to anyone girl I see. You had it all, and you threw it right back in my face. I wasnt trying to buy you back with flowers or the puppy. I was trying to show you I care and I miss you and that at the start of everything it had nothing to do with you. You could have picked up the phone just a few more times and it would have avoided everything. Like I said it is the simple things that mean the most and all I needed was to hear your voice to relax me a little but instead you spent all your time talking to him and making me feel more alone every minute. Im sorry ashley, I am, Im sorry I love you and that I trust you and came to you thinking you would be there for me to make me feel better. Im sorry I counted on you, I shouldnt have put that much pressure on you. Only one friend of mine has been there all my life through thick and thin and he is in my heart and I would die for him. I put you in that same group. I have told you things that not even he knows and have trusted you with feelings others dont know I even have. Do you know how many people have seen me cry...3...including you. So yeah, basically im tired of being walked on and taken for granted. I have feelings too and just because Im not in NY with you dad, in surprise with my parents or in avondale with you ashley, doesnt mean that what you all do doesnt affect me or that you dont have the power to help me. I just want someone to just be here and sit with me and talk and do nothing. Yeah I have some great friends up here but none I trusted as much as you...and none that have the power to hurt me help quite like you either...

"its amazing what a few mintues from you will do to make someones day better or worse"

How come we dont even talk no more
And you dont even call no more
We dont barely keep in touch at all
And I dont even feel the same love when we hug no more
And I heard it through the grape vine we even beefin now
After all the years we been down
Aint no way no how, this bullshit can't be true
We family and aint a damn thing changed, unless it's you