Every finger in the room is pointing at me .... there's a bolwing ball in my stomach
QOTD:So how exactly do you get biceps like those? as Nick flirts/compliments yet another man in Grange Deli. As Andrea so correctly observed, he's unstoppable.
...To continue. So this meeting the parents issue has grown slightly in proportion. To be honest, it is the things which worries me least about the journey. Perhaps i feel slightly more threatened by the older brothers, introducing myself as the man who is fucking and being fucked by their younger brother. Not only now have i got this to put up with, but i have the additional pressure of being paraded in front of the majority of the family and close family friends. It's a close family's friend's birthday, and so (matt+i) have to make an appearance.
But then ... all of this doesn't really bother me too much. God only needs to watch me at work to understand that i don't have any particular problem fitting in or communicating with these generations. i mean, while walking to the gym today, i noticed a late-middle-aged man walking with a PRAHA shirt, and i couldn't help but ask him if he'd enjoyed Prague. (Writing that, i almost cringe as i see myself becoming my father; i don't cringe, however, because he's a good man.)
But no, nick doesn't worry about things that would concern normal individuals; no, rather he creates in his own little neurotic mindscape an hypothetical worry. Disturbing in that it IS hypothetical, but probably very possible. Which makes is disturbing, plaguing. Hopefully not protentous. i have the worry, basically, that the whole lack of sleeping with each other is going to change the way that we feel for each other. It's not so much the not sleeping with each other, such as now, but the continual sublimation of sexuality between us when we are physically together. The fact is, the past two times we will have seen each other, we won't have been able to sleep with each other. It just makes me scared that, in some fucked-up way, we will get used to this situation: that the sexual attraction between us being continually sublimated will eventually subside. i suppose this stems from my own neurosis about my own sexual attractiveness. M'eh.
Only time will tell. i know that i just want to be able to hold him whenever i want.
Otherwise, life is good, if not somewhat banal. Yesterday was typically geminian: work was pretty stressful. Not in the sense that it WAS actually stressful: more the fact that i got incredibly hurrassed by 12 Americans wanting twelve Lattes, when i've only 2 pints of milk and not the gumption to ask them to leave the shop while i sprint to the garage to buy somemore. But you know when you've been harrassed like that, and no matter what happens, you just can't shake that feeling off. Rubén and his boyfriend come into the shop seconds before i shut the door on grange deli. This changed everything: decided to go to Peckham's for coffee with them (Oh god, peckham's man, it's not good). Anyways, it turned into quite a Sunday outing; something i haven't done in ages. Met up with a girl called Ellie. She was strange: i didn't think i would like her at the start. Strange clothes, extreme thinness and scars from selfharm sometimes point to attention-seekers, but i'm glad to say that wasn't the case. Went to the French market in Grassmarket then to Forest Café, which was almost like entering into a Hessean universe. Knew i'd love the place, so have avoided it hitherto. And i did like it. Self-fulfilling prophecy. Then the highlight of the night was going out for dinner and drinks with no-one less than our dear friend citizenerazed84.
Anyways, i've used lj far too much recently, so shall return when it's feeling less abused.
well we know i'm going away
and how i wish - i wish it weren't so
so take this wine and drink with me
let's delay our misery
save tonight and fight the break of dawn
come tomorrow - tomorrow i'll be gone
save tonight and fight the break of dawn
come tomorrow - tomorrow i'll be gone