Festivus Eve
Well, tomorrow is the big day. I have a sturdy aluminum pole,wrestling shoes and an exhaustive list of grievances against everyone i live with.
You christmas/hanukkak/made-up-black-holiday people are missing out! While the rest of the world was out bankrupting themselves on gifts for unappreciative relatives, i had already fished my festivus pole from the trash pile behind the closed-down Marshall's on 73. while the rest of the world was poring over vast stacks of christmahannukwanzaa cards, i was online looking at pregnant latino teenagers. while the rest of the world was baking pies and cookies, i was drunk in the yard,screaming at the goddamned squirrel's nest.
see, Festivus distills the essence of the holidays, which is of course bitterness and recrimination, into one blessed, inexpensive night. gone is the sickening consumerism of christmas, gone are the dangerous and threatening chanukah menoras, gone is the deadly poisonous and foul-smelling quanza bush. standing proudly in their place is a clean, sturdy aluminum pole.
whatever holidays you all celebrate, please remember to drink responsibly. if you open it, you finish it. use a coaster. and remember to never, ever drive drunk, unless you have plenty of practice doing so.
You christmas/hanukkak/made-up-black-holiday people are missing out! While the rest of the world was out bankrupting themselves on gifts for unappreciative relatives, i had already fished my festivus pole from the trash pile behind the closed-down Marshall's on 73. while the rest of the world was poring over vast stacks of christmahannukwanzaa cards, i was online looking at pregnant latino teenagers. while the rest of the world was baking pies and cookies, i was drunk in the yard,screaming at the goddamned squirrel's nest.
see, Festivus distills the essence of the holidays, which is of course bitterness and recrimination, into one blessed, inexpensive night. gone is the sickening consumerism of christmas, gone are the dangerous and threatening chanukah menoras, gone is the deadly poisonous and foul-smelling quanza bush. standing proudly in their place is a clean, sturdy aluminum pole.
whatever holidays you all celebrate, please remember to drink responsibly. if you open it, you finish it. use a coaster. and remember to never, ever drive drunk, unless you have plenty of practice doing so.