2/2/2008
I have had my livejournal for 5 years 5 months and 8 days. i have posted like 2400 something entries averaging more than 400 per year, which means more than one per day. I've gone through a couple relationships, some really fucked up situations and fallen in and out of [love?] like with a [lot] few girls, some more than once.
i haven't been in a relationship since june 2003. i haven't had sex since july 2002. i haven't gotten actual play since may 2003 and the last time was limited to a hand job. and as much as alicia thinks i/we/whatever need to find me a girl who will give me a blow job (because apparently getting a partial unfinished half assed one doesn't count, and is sad) that isn't really that important to me. honestly i would like to have someone who wants to hang out, cuddle, make out and stay the night, and eventually do some stuff, but i would really like all the relationship stuff, and that's mor important to me than sex and hooking up.
Frankly, i am nervous. its been so long since I've done anything, i am not sure i even know the game anymore. and i don't just mean hooking up stuff, i mean the whole dating thing. i used to be pretty good at meeting a girl, striking up a conversation and turning it into something.
See: christa, annie, sarah, kaytee, glenna, kristen, sarai, and technically even whitney and macall. and i guess we can even include olivia and london.
Fuck what the fuck happened to me.
I've mostly decided to drop the heidi thing. aside from the fact that the whole thing has been pretty fucked from the beginning, i can't be a rebound, i can't be the guy that likes her so she comes to me when she wants attention, and i can't put myself out there with her again because it always ends badly. and lets not forget this mike bullshit.
I don't know exactly what happened, and i don't want to know, but the jist is that back in august when heidi and i got really drunk and i asked her what the fucking deal was and it turned into this crazy thing, and then i basically passed put but told her she couldn't go home because she was too drunk, apparently mike, who was sober, stayed up with her till she 'sobered' up, which would have taken her until at least 10 the next morning because i know how she handles he liquor... well mike apparently at the least made out with her and at the most fucked her. and i had mostly been able to ignore the possibilities because i didn't hear much, but then fucking mike brings it up and she brings it up and FUCK i can't forget about it any more.
And mike is disgusting and ugly. he looks like a pedophile. he is balding at 22. he has the saggy flabby fat body of an old man. he has tattoos and piercings to make him unique and stand out because he is so uninteresting and craves so much attention that he will do anything to get it. he is inconsiderate, filthy and gross. he is apparently a terrible friend, and a terrible guy who can't even abide by the first, easiest and most well known piece of guy code, and then the asshole keeps bringing it up and saying its funny. yea, its real funny that you have gotten further than me with a chick i have liked for years, that i made dinner, took flowers, took care of when she got too drunk as she so often has...
FUCK
maybe i do want to know how far it went so i know if i need to just completely stop talking to her... and him, i guess
but seriously, i wash my hands of her. i just can't like her anymore. its not good for me, i need someone who actually likes me and doesn't use me and string me along and wouldn't hook up with my fucking roommate, and most importantly won't treat me like complete and total shit until it pleases her to do otherwise.
I've been fucked over one too many times and i am fucking tired of it.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I am going to bed.
i haven't been in a relationship since june 2003. i haven't had sex since july 2002. i haven't gotten actual play since may 2003 and the last time was limited to a hand job. and as much as alicia thinks i/we/whatever need to find me a girl who will give me a blow job (because apparently getting a partial unfinished half assed one doesn't count, and is sad) that isn't really that important to me. honestly i would like to have someone who wants to hang out, cuddle, make out and stay the night, and eventually do some stuff, but i would really like all the relationship stuff, and that's mor important to me than sex and hooking up.
Frankly, i am nervous. its been so long since I've done anything, i am not sure i even know the game anymore. and i don't just mean hooking up stuff, i mean the whole dating thing. i used to be pretty good at meeting a girl, striking up a conversation and turning it into something.
See: christa, annie, sarah, kaytee, glenna, kristen, sarai, and technically even whitney and macall. and i guess we can even include olivia and london.
Fuck what the fuck happened to me.
I've mostly decided to drop the heidi thing. aside from the fact that the whole thing has been pretty fucked from the beginning, i can't be a rebound, i can't be the guy that likes her so she comes to me when she wants attention, and i can't put myself out there with her again because it always ends badly. and lets not forget this mike bullshit.
I don't know exactly what happened, and i don't want to know, but the jist is that back in august when heidi and i got really drunk and i asked her what the fucking deal was and it turned into this crazy thing, and then i basically passed put but told her she couldn't go home because she was too drunk, apparently mike, who was sober, stayed up with her till she 'sobered' up, which would have taken her until at least 10 the next morning because i know how she handles he liquor... well mike apparently at the least made out with her and at the most fucked her. and i had mostly been able to ignore the possibilities because i didn't hear much, but then fucking mike brings it up and she brings it up and FUCK i can't forget about it any more.
And mike is disgusting and ugly. he looks like a pedophile. he is balding at 22. he has the saggy flabby fat body of an old man. he has tattoos and piercings to make him unique and stand out because he is so uninteresting and craves so much attention that he will do anything to get it. he is inconsiderate, filthy and gross. he is apparently a terrible friend, and a terrible guy who can't even abide by the first, easiest and most well known piece of guy code, and then the asshole keeps bringing it up and saying its funny. yea, its real funny that you have gotten further than me with a chick i have liked for years, that i made dinner, took flowers, took care of when she got too drunk as she so often has...
FUCK
maybe i do want to know how far it went so i know if i need to just completely stop talking to her... and him, i guess
but seriously, i wash my hands of her. i just can't like her anymore. its not good for me, i need someone who actually likes me and doesn't use me and string me along and wouldn't hook up with my fucking roommate, and most importantly won't treat me like complete and total shit until it pleases her to do otherwise.
I've been fucked over one too many times and i am fucking tired of it.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I am going to bed.