updates...
Musically: I played my first full set (8 songs) on Monday, and then I played another set (5 songs) including a song I had just written that day at Lamplighter on Tuesday. The first show was really packed, and it made me really nervous. I managed to get through even with the problems we were having with the mics, and having no monitor. It really sucks when you're like me and you need to be able to hear yourself to know if you're completely screwing up your singing and all you can hear is the guitar blasting out of the amp 5 feet away from you and your own nervous voices in your head. With that said, it went pretty good considering. I made about 30 bucks from the hat.
The show at the Lamplighter almost didn't happen though. I had broke a string at the end of my set on Monday and it's the same string that keeps breaking so I figure I have a flaw in my bridge and I need to get that repaired and probably get a new bridge. I didn't have time to get it repaired though so I had to get a new string a hope it'd hold, and luckily for me it did. I had been debating going to this show all day, as I was scared of people’s reaction, as I really doubt my ability and myself. What just about threw me over the edge to not do it though was my mother saying outright I'm a bad singer (I know I'm not what's considered typically good, but I like to think I bring something unique) and that I'm just a decent guitar player. She went on to say "someone had to tell you the truth" when I got pissed at her for saying that. I really hate how she acts like her opinion is fact though. I have strangers saying they like my music and I don't have some big sign on me saying "give me pity, please!" No one forces though people to say those things. What ultimately made me follow through with the show was a comment I got from a girl in Alberta that day. She said "your voice makes me melt." That was already a huge compliment to be receiving, and quite a boost, but it was her story that inspired me. She had breast cancer when she was 12 and also lost a leg in a freak accident. She says her love for music is what kept her going, what made her not give up even when the doctors said they were going to have to amputate her leg. Even after that she says "it's only a leg, not a big deal really. I like my stub anyway, it's cutest little stubby leg ever." If she could be brave despite what had happened, I could too despite my mother's comment.
Back to the show: it was a much different environment in there than it was at the little coffee shop. It was nice though; I actually felt more at ease with the older audience surprisingly enough. The girl who hosted the show, who asked me to come play, was in the house band and they started off the night with a mixture of blues, indie rock and straight out rock. They were quite enjoyable and had an original song that I found "bloody fantastic" as I told the host, Jules. A woman playing piano and singing went on before me. I can't remember her name but she was really good and got a lot of radio play on CBC radio. That got me a little worried as I asked my dad "how the hell do I follow up that!?" He told me to "stop it" and quit doubting myself. I played three of my songs, then I was going to play a cover of I Will Follow You Into The Dark but freaked out and decided against it last second because I knew people there would know the song and I don't think I cover it with justice. I instead did a cover I'm more comfortable with: Sunsets and Car Crashes. I then played a song I had written a couple weeks back about a breakup but I had only played it through once, and that was just to record it and send it to the person it was about. I had to pretty much improvise the song when I played it, but it didn't go as terribly as expected. It was also a nice tone for a final song, and the last word being "goodbye" was quite appropriate to finish a set with. I felt accomplished after that set. I felt like I don't need to hold myself back anymore, that I can just love myself and my creations and if I do others will be more likely to do the same.
I'm going to be going to get some studio recordings done at the end of the month that'll hopefully turn out well. I'm trying to figure out whether or not I want to get someone to play piano or second guitar parts on it to make it a little more interesting. I have an unfinished song that would be perfect with a piano accompaniment - maybe I'll see if Karina would be up for it now that we're talking again.
Love: I've been dating, but nothing has come of it yet. I got involved with a girl who's a brilliant musician and whom I got along with superbly, but after a week I ended it. I just got scared because she was getting so attached, so fast. I couldn't face the thought of such a strong commitment so soon. It's something I realize now that I need to be eased into. I want to experience all the stuff leading up to the relationship as well. All that flirting, and the looks you give each other. I want the suspense that slowly builds until you finally have your heads so close to each that you see the intention in their eyes. That little sparkle that direction you to tilt your head slightly to the side as to not hit their nose as your lips gravitate towards each other. Then finally when you kiss and you're reassured they return the feelings you have for them. I told her I had to focus on music, that I couldn't commit to a relationship again right now; I wasn't in the right place for it. I still really wanted her in my life, but she felt it would be too hard and almost completely blocked me out. She ended up coming around though, and we still talk. I have no idea when we'll be able to go back to hanging out again though, if that day will indeed ever come. I hope so much that it does because singing with her was absolutely amazing.
Then there was another situation before that with an even worst case of things going too fast. My friend tried to set me up with a friend of hers who was just about to move from Vernon to Vancouver. I had been talking to her a bit on msn before she came and then when she got here we went out for coffee and had a nice, long, enjoyable conversation. I hung out with her and a friend of hers the next day and we went to shopping at metro. We then went over to Daisy's but Haley soon left because she thought she was turning into a third wheel. Daisy and I watched TV for a bit then started getting a bit playful with each other, and one thing lead to another and she was soon pulling me over to her bed. I didn't know what to do so I did the only knew how and said "this is a bad idea, we shouldn't do this now - not yet." Well long story short she said she was lonely being in a new City and all and wanted me to stay the night, just to keep her company. Yet again one thing lead to another and we ended up fooling around. I felt pretty bad after that, even though we were both two young, consenting adults, and it wasn't necessarily "bad" what we did, I still had guilt. It's hard to say no when you're full of raging teenage hormones and someone is throwing themselves at you, and on you. I always try my best to stop these sorts of things from happening, but girls can really be manipulative when they want something. They try breaking you down to get their way. I found this out all too well one night in a park. I know in the end I always had my free will, but then I think I just want to be a teenager while I have the chance and be able to fuck things like this up while it still doesn't have terrible repercussions.
I went over to Daisy's and ending up staying again within the next couple days. This time we did it all, even though I once again tried to hold myself back. That was my first time doing that since February I think. It was weird; I had almost forgotten what it was like. Daisy came over to my place later in the week and stayed the night, although nothing happened then. In morning though, it did. This time I stopped though, I said I couldn't do this. I liked her, quite a lot, and I couldn't use her in this way.
I just realize I may have gone too in to detail with this than I intended to. I'll just say that she ended things a few days later just before her birthday while I was on the phone asking her if she still wanted me to take her out for sushi. She said she had to find herself again, because she find lost in this city. I got pissed because until the situation I first wrote about happened I'd never really been the person to come up with unusual reasons to stop dating. From what she told me she had been through two years of unofficial relationships that only offered inconsistency. From what I saw when she bawled her eyes out with me every night I was with her is that she's afraid of change. It was obvious she was afraid to enter in to something so official as what I was offering her. She was so used to being used for her body and not for the person she was inside and I think it scared her. Telling her that didn't change her decision though.
On a brighter, exponentially more nerdy side, I started with computer games again. I recently signed up for a trial account of a game called Eve and I'm really enjoying it. You're a spaceship pilot and you slowly learn how to pilot bigger ships and you can explore through a seemingly endless amount of galaxies. There's so much to do as well, and the classes are not so cookie-cutter. You have things like fighters and commanders who are more standard, straightforward classes. Then you have traders, managers, manufacturers, scientists, etc. Even though I know I'll end up putting way too many hours into it I think I'm going to subscribe. Only because you don't have levels in this game, and your skills advance in real time. When I say that I mean lets say a skill takes 5 hours to train, I can set that to train before I sleep then in the morning it would be done. It completely eliminates that experience-grinding element that's in many other games of its generation. Just the fact that you can be progressing while offline is so appealing. It means even though a very high level skill might take me a couple days to train, I don't have to be playing it for that time.
I think that's all I can bare to write right now, I need to get back to writing my play.
The show at the Lamplighter almost didn't happen though. I had broke a string at the end of my set on Monday and it's the same string that keeps breaking so I figure I have a flaw in my bridge and I need to get that repaired and probably get a new bridge. I didn't have time to get it repaired though so I had to get a new string a hope it'd hold, and luckily for me it did. I had been debating going to this show all day, as I was scared of people’s reaction, as I really doubt my ability and myself. What just about threw me over the edge to not do it though was my mother saying outright I'm a bad singer (I know I'm not what's considered typically good, but I like to think I bring something unique) and that I'm just a decent guitar player. She went on to say "someone had to tell you the truth" when I got pissed at her for saying that. I really hate how she acts like her opinion is fact though. I have strangers saying they like my music and I don't have some big sign on me saying "give me pity, please!" No one forces though people to say those things. What ultimately made me follow through with the show was a comment I got from a girl in Alberta that day. She said "your voice makes me melt." That was already a huge compliment to be receiving, and quite a boost, but it was her story that inspired me. She had breast cancer when she was 12 and also lost a leg in a freak accident. She says her love for music is what kept her going, what made her not give up even when the doctors said they were going to have to amputate her leg. Even after that she says "it's only a leg, not a big deal really. I like my stub anyway, it's cutest little stubby leg ever." If she could be brave despite what had happened, I could too despite my mother's comment.
Back to the show: it was a much different environment in there than it was at the little coffee shop. It was nice though; I actually felt more at ease with the older audience surprisingly enough. The girl who hosted the show, who asked me to come play, was in the house band and they started off the night with a mixture of blues, indie rock and straight out rock. They were quite enjoyable and had an original song that I found "bloody fantastic" as I told the host, Jules. A woman playing piano and singing went on before me. I can't remember her name but she was really good and got a lot of radio play on CBC radio. That got me a little worried as I asked my dad "how the hell do I follow up that!?" He told me to "stop it" and quit doubting myself. I played three of my songs, then I was going to play a cover of I Will Follow You Into The Dark but freaked out and decided against it last second because I knew people there would know the song and I don't think I cover it with justice. I instead did a cover I'm more comfortable with: Sunsets and Car Crashes. I then played a song I had written a couple weeks back about a breakup but I had only played it through once, and that was just to record it and send it to the person it was about. I had to pretty much improvise the song when I played it, but it didn't go as terribly as expected. It was also a nice tone for a final song, and the last word being "goodbye" was quite appropriate to finish a set with. I felt accomplished after that set. I felt like I don't need to hold myself back anymore, that I can just love myself and my creations and if I do others will be more likely to do the same.
I'm going to be going to get some studio recordings done at the end of the month that'll hopefully turn out well. I'm trying to figure out whether or not I want to get someone to play piano or second guitar parts on it to make it a little more interesting. I have an unfinished song that would be perfect with a piano accompaniment - maybe I'll see if Karina would be up for it now that we're talking again.
Love: I've been dating, but nothing has come of it yet. I got involved with a girl who's a brilliant musician and whom I got along with superbly, but after a week I ended it. I just got scared because she was getting so attached, so fast. I couldn't face the thought of such a strong commitment so soon. It's something I realize now that I need to be eased into. I want to experience all the stuff leading up to the relationship as well. All that flirting, and the looks you give each other. I want the suspense that slowly builds until you finally have your heads so close to each that you see the intention in their eyes. That little sparkle that direction you to tilt your head slightly to the side as to not hit their nose as your lips gravitate towards each other. Then finally when you kiss and you're reassured they return the feelings you have for them. I told her I had to focus on music, that I couldn't commit to a relationship again right now; I wasn't in the right place for it. I still really wanted her in my life, but she felt it would be too hard and almost completely blocked me out. She ended up coming around though, and we still talk. I have no idea when we'll be able to go back to hanging out again though, if that day will indeed ever come. I hope so much that it does because singing with her was absolutely amazing.
Then there was another situation before that with an even worst case of things going too fast. My friend tried to set me up with a friend of hers who was just about to move from Vernon to Vancouver. I had been talking to her a bit on msn before she came and then when she got here we went out for coffee and had a nice, long, enjoyable conversation. I hung out with her and a friend of hers the next day and we went to shopping at metro. We then went over to Daisy's but Haley soon left because she thought she was turning into a third wheel. Daisy and I watched TV for a bit then started getting a bit playful with each other, and one thing lead to another and she was soon pulling me over to her bed. I didn't know what to do so I did the only knew how and said "this is a bad idea, we shouldn't do this now - not yet." Well long story short she said she was lonely being in a new City and all and wanted me to stay the night, just to keep her company. Yet again one thing lead to another and we ended up fooling around. I felt pretty bad after that, even though we were both two young, consenting adults, and it wasn't necessarily "bad" what we did, I still had guilt. It's hard to say no when you're full of raging teenage hormones and someone is throwing themselves at you, and on you. I always try my best to stop these sorts of things from happening, but girls can really be manipulative when they want something. They try breaking you down to get their way. I found this out all too well one night in a park. I know in the end I always had my free will, but then I think I just want to be a teenager while I have the chance and be able to fuck things like this up while it still doesn't have terrible repercussions.
I went over to Daisy's and ending up staying again within the next couple days. This time we did it all, even though I once again tried to hold myself back. That was my first time doing that since February I think. It was weird; I had almost forgotten what it was like. Daisy came over to my place later in the week and stayed the night, although nothing happened then. In morning though, it did. This time I stopped though, I said I couldn't do this. I liked her, quite a lot, and I couldn't use her in this way.
I just realize I may have gone too in to detail with this than I intended to. I'll just say that she ended things a few days later just before her birthday while I was on the phone asking her if she still wanted me to take her out for sushi. She said she had to find herself again, because she find lost in this city. I got pissed because until the situation I first wrote about happened I'd never really been the person to come up with unusual reasons to stop dating. From what she told me she had been through two years of unofficial relationships that only offered inconsistency. From what I saw when she bawled her eyes out with me every night I was with her is that she's afraid of change. It was obvious she was afraid to enter in to something so official as what I was offering her. She was so used to being used for her body and not for the person she was inside and I think it scared her. Telling her that didn't change her decision though.
On a brighter, exponentially more nerdy side, I started with computer games again. I recently signed up for a trial account of a game called Eve and I'm really enjoying it. You're a spaceship pilot and you slowly learn how to pilot bigger ships and you can explore through a seemingly endless amount of galaxies. There's so much to do as well, and the classes are not so cookie-cutter. You have things like fighters and commanders who are more standard, straightforward classes. Then you have traders, managers, manufacturers, scientists, etc. Even though I know I'll end up putting way too many hours into it I think I'm going to subscribe. Only because you don't have levels in this game, and your skills advance in real time. When I say that I mean lets say a skill takes 5 hours to train, I can set that to train before I sleep then in the morning it would be done. It completely eliminates that experience-grinding element that's in many other games of its generation. Just the fact that you can be progressing while offline is so appealing. It means even though a very high level skill might take me a couple days to train, I don't have to be playing it for that time.
I think that's all I can bare to write right now, I need to get back to writing my play.