AH

[scubaboarder]

so why is it that NOBODY takes responsibility for anything anymore. for me it's always been that i make a mistake and i know i've made it and i never make it again. i dont understand how it just keeps happening and happening and happening. and it's always someone else's fault. "someone did this, someone did that". NO EXCUSE. goddamn why do people

Comments

[laclairisaur]

i think i read that entry 8 times...and i understand where ur coming from. i dont mean to sound spoiled or always play the victim. but somehow whenever i say something thats the way it comes out. i'm sorry for it sounding that way because i know i'm defintally not the victim. i'm the victim in other things that are going on in my life right now but not when it is concerning you. and your right. you always sort of put ur foot down. so everytime i scrwed up i got forgiven. thats where we went wrong. because somehow i always got you back. except for this time. aand its really hard to accept. i hate this so much because i'm so mad at myself for screwing up something i loved so much. i've taken it for granted in the past, your right. and now that its gone i simply dont know what the hell to do and feel like the most miserable guilty person. i've never felt this terrible in my life as i'm sure u experienced yesterday in ur car. i dont mean to look stupid. i hate crying. and i hate even more crying in front of you. i want to slap myself and i get so embarrassed. i dont want this to end tho. i cant let it end derek. and i'm going to be trying so hard to change and be a better person so that one day i can be with you again and i wont hurt you. i've never felt so determined in my life. its because i've lost the one thing i love and i know that i will never be happy without it. so i'm changing whether u believe me or not. or wheter ur by my side or not. please at least be my friend right now. i'm certainly going to need your help.

[laclairisaur]

i'm sorry i have put u through this pain. i will never forgive myself. i have cried so much in the past week over this and its making me realize how much i care for you. more than anybody. but i screwed up. and i lost you. i simply dont know what to say or what to do to get you back. so i've settled on changing. i'm hoping you may notice i'm trying. i'm hoping you can still care for me and look out for me and give me a hug and meet me in teh places we used to. i hope you can still spend time with me on the weekends. i need a friend more than anything right now. i was hoping you'd be the friend. thank you for last night. i had a good time. it was much better then sitting at home in bed making myself miserable. i hope you had an ok time also. and i would love to see you today. i'm sorry. i know you hate that word. you think its so overused. i wish it wasnt. because i dont know how else to express it. there is nothing else. i wish it meant something to you. but it doesnt. so all i can say is i'm sorry and i'm going to change. please notice. because if nobody does i dont know what i will do. please give me a chance. not as your girlfriend but as your friend. please give me a chance to try to make it up to you and please help me because i need it. right now i'm going through really rough times and me being the bitch that i am and screwing up us also really just topped everything off. i hate myself ever minute of the day. i want to slap myself and punish me somehow or something to bring you back. i will regret this the rest of my life. because you are my favorite person in the world and i love you so much. i truely do. i have since about 5th grade. you probably dont believe anything that i have typed and that kill me because i dont know how else to expres how upset i am for what i have done to you in the past 2 years and how i've upset you and made you so mad to the point where your regretting ever being with me. i will change thigns. dont worry. and if you never come back to be as my boyfriend then i guess thats something that i will regret for the rest of my life. because the past 2 years with you have been the best out of my life. nobody has made me as happy or feel as cared for as you have. i love you derek bush whether you care anymore or not. i love you with all my heart. and i'm going to try to make you happy and again and i will change whether your my boyfriend or not. please believe me. because i know i say a lot of the same htings over and over. i've never been one ot really express how i feel and i'm trying. i'm so sorry. i will make it up to you at least as your friend. i love you so much i truely do. i've never felt so guilty and hating myself as much as i have in this past week. please give me a chance to fix things. at least as friends. because i need you. more than anyone. and i've already lost you as my boyfriend. so i'm hoping that i wont loose you as my best friend either. sincerely, Claire