One Year
Originally posted @ http://scruffy-duck.net
I haven’t self-harmed for an entire year.
This means cutting (what I usually did), burning (rarely), hitting and bruising myself (tried it a few times but didn’t like it). Over-medicating. I’ve tried most things in a bit cause myself some damage.
But not for the last year.
I’ve stopped cutting before, tried to stop before, usually I manage a few months at a time, usually end up cutting again at some point. I hit boiling, fall over the edge, however you want to see it, I give in to that uncontrollable urge to cut, to manage how I manage best. Or did at the time.
This time around is different. This is the longest I’ve gone without cutting since I started at nineteen, and this time feels different to all my other attempts at giving up. This time feels permanent. This year will turn into two with more ease than previous attempts because I’m not thinking about it every minute of my day like I used to. It used be be my default setting, whenever anything went wrong, every bad thought, every bad second (and some good), my default reaction would be to cut myself.
It’s not like that any more. It’s still there, especially if I forget my meds, when I feel awful, but I haven’t cut. I don’t cut.
It seems strange to me, to be proud of myself for something I haven’t done, but I am anyway. So much so I bought a t-shirt, a game and an ice cream to celebrate.
I haven’t self-harmed for an entire year.
This means cutting (what I usually did), burning (rarely), hitting and bruising myself (tried it a few times but didn’t like it). Over-medicating. I’ve tried most things in a bit cause myself some damage.
But not for the last year.
I’ve stopped cutting before, tried to stop before, usually I manage a few months at a time, usually end up cutting again at some point. I hit boiling, fall over the edge, however you want to see it, I give in to that uncontrollable urge to cut, to manage how I manage best. Or did at the time.
This time around is different. This is the longest I’ve gone without cutting since I started at nineteen, and this time feels different to all my other attempts at giving up. This time feels permanent. This year will turn into two with more ease than previous attempts because I’m not thinking about it every minute of my day like I used to. It used be be my default setting, whenever anything went wrong, every bad thought, every bad second (and some good), my default reaction would be to cut myself.
It’s not like that any more. It’s still there, especially if I forget my meds, when I feel awful, but I haven’t cut. I don’t cut.
It seems strange to me, to be proud of myself for something I haven’t done, but I am anyway. So much so I bought a t-shirt, a game and an ice cream to celebrate.