spiel mit muir
there are times in my life, events that occur, that i wish i could not care about...and people in my life, that i wish i cared diffrently about...i wish i werent so emotional...i wish that i didnt get upset about certain things that are really nonsense...and i really wish i wasnt scared of being touched anymore..because im really scared that im gonna push everyone who does and could matter, away...because of one hugely stupid mistake...and i hate that i still live in my past, but i dont know how to get around some things...maybe i just havent given myself enough time...or maybe i just need a really good reason to leave my past behing...but i dont have one...i havent found it...i want so badly to just accept things the way they are, move on, and make the most out of my life...ive made baby steps in that way, by doing things i never would have done...i played four square today , and i havent let myself play a game in so long, without being selfconcious...but today, well, i was a tad distracted by some stuff, but i just wanted to have fun..i remember before when i would play basketball with my old best freind jake, and id kick his ass, and it was awesome...i didnt worry how funny i looked running around or whether people thought i was cool...i just want to have fun...i dont want any drama, i dont want gossip, i just want to exist...i want to fall in the creek like i used to when nick and randy and i would catch frogs...or when id ride horses at jakes...its fucking ridiculous how i held myself in for so long...trying to convince myself that certain things were fun, just because i wanted someone to accept me...idk...theres a strong chance the people i was playing four square with thought i was bored to death...but i was actually having a good time...im still not sure what the whole facination with four square is...but i do know playing it for five minutes, took me back ten years...and i was back, having fun, just to have fun...and my shoe came off...and i probably looked like a retard...but i wanna do it again...