Jul 18, 2004 00:30
i havent slept since wednesday nite...well, actually, i got an hour and a half nap today...norma at work told me to try warm milk,tea, melatonin pills...ive tried everything...no help...im running on pure adreniline when im at work, adn i get off and its just, "wha? huh?"...so tired of being tired...i stay online, just late enough where i get sleepy, then i log off and im all " sleep? what the eff is sleep?" i read, i think, i get sleepy, i start thinking again, sleepiness goes see ya...so i start reading again...vicious cycle...
and i really miss some people...i wont go into who, simply because i just wont...but once again, my well, me-ness has caused me to doubt sincerity, and whether or not i have freinds anymore...its just i dont know how to not push people away...maybe it has something to do with the fact that no one, once i begin pushing, has ever attempted to pull me back...they just let me drift away, bye bye...and fine, what-effen-ever, but dont wonder why i have self-confidence and trust issues...im actually trying here, going out on a limb...trusting too soon, im my opinion, after being hurt...but trusting nonetheless, and as it appears, naively and stupidly trusting...this is where my talk is cheap motto comes in...people tell me they care, blah blah...but when the time comes to make an actual,physical effort, well they just cant be bothered...IT GOES AGAINST MY NATURAL HABITS TO CALL PEOPLE! SO IF I DO CALL SOMEONE, IT MUST HAVE TAKEN ME A HELL OF A TIME TO GET THE COURAGE TO DO IT...this might sound all whiny bitchy, but frankly, i dont care...im sick of putting myself on the line for one sided relationships...if im so difficult, maybe you shouldnt have "cared" about me in the first place...AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK...