topsie tourvey
well.. its been a helluva couple of weeks since my last "real" journal.. the one aobut how i was finally getting my life back together.. wel.. a few things changed since that journal..
One.. my best friends isnt so much my best friend anymore.. Left me over a game.. cause he refused to admit part of his victories were based on the money he had invested.. which wins were either based on money + skill.. or just skill.. and if its JUST skill which he belives.. then that means that thomas rules all and adam sucksdick... which isnt true.. but he refused to admit it and said i was insulting him and blew up.. and i havent heard from him since.. despite the fact that i tried time and time again to quit the game.. to just trow down my cards and say "fuck it.. im done with it.. no more.. i suck".. but he WANTED to keep it going.. even though he saw how i got when i lost so miseraby time and time again.. i realized that last nite..
secondly.. my parents are slowly trying to drive the few friends i knew i had left away... theres a game called final fantasy 11.. its online.. and you play with ohte rppl around the world.. and i met a few really great ppl.. one girl that id like to get to know better when she moves to georgia this fall for college.. and another woman that... well.. lets just say.. the only person ive ever truely respected and admired in my life was my cousin steven.. well.. i respect and admire this girl just as much... and wish i had half her strength and willpower and determination.. but my parents got tired of me "spending so much damn time on a fucking game".. so they ripped my ethernet cord into pieces and said i wasnt allowed to play nemore.. i said "fine.. ill just have my own internet connected" moved my comp to my room.. was then informed that the "game" wouldnt be played in this house nemore.. so basically my parents said 'fuck you and your friends.. were gonna dictate where you can spend time'.. and it wouldnt have come to this except the fact that i get so pissed off when they CONSTANTLY poked at me about "how can you play that so much?!" "dont you do nething else!?"... which.. i enjoy playin that game first off.. second.. i REALLY enjoy talking to those guys.. just cause i cant go do things with them for real doesnt mean they arent my friends... and to be perfectly honst.. until last nite i thought i had NO one else...
on that note. ill tell you about last nite.. i came into my dads office.. got on his computer.. and spent almos all day talking to my friends from ffxi online.. theres somewher ein teh neighboorhood of 120 messages (300 characters max) sent to me .. from various people.... and god knows how many sent out.. probably the same ammount or a lil higher.. but i found out that i havent lost them... their still my friends, i just cant get to them right now.... well.... after that, a friend i didnt know i still had from high school called me up and we caled for a good hour and a half about various things.. ... ... until last nite i thought all my "HS friends" had quit caring if i was alive or dead... kim proved me wrong and i thank her for that.. you really dont know how much pressure that realieves... knowing you still have friends.. i thought i had lost EVERYONE in feburary when pittman started spreading lies.. then after may came and went and i didnt get invited to graduation by neone.. and i noticed it had been months since i talked to neone from high school.. i thought they didnt care... and it was so horribly depressing at some points i really thought i had no one and didnt care myself if i lived or died.. and hte other day when my few friends were taken away from me by my dad.. i really considered death as an option... well.. after last nite.. its not anymore... and never will be again..
My friends are all i have in this world.. kim, krissy, jocelyn, steve, kellie, vanessa.. all i have (a few others i left out.. but you get the idea)... and i see i'm going to have to fight to keep them.. i have a job now.. but its not good enough.. not enough cash or hours.. i have to find a new job.. and i have to move out of this house.. and i have to start living my life the way "I" choose... i told my parents a while back that i had some great ideas for things to do.. and i wouldnt play ffxi as much.. but still a good bit cause i have friends there.. but apparently my future isnt good enough.. what i do now.. today.. is all that matters to them.. so.. today before work.. im gonna tlak to my cousin peggy and see abour renting her downstairs out for awhile.. as much as i can pay for now.. and doing things like mow her grass.. take out her garbage and such to make up the difference.. and find a better job with more hours and hopefully more pay..
i didnt want it to come to this to be honest.. i just wanted a lil peace in my home here.. but i cant have that as long as my father keeps trying to control my choices.. and tell me im making wrong ones.. its my life.. and its high time i started living it and make the choices THAT I WANT TO MAKE!!!... win lose or draw.. its time i owned up and acted like a man... the girl i look up to os much?.. kellie? why do you think i look up to her? shes been where i am now.. couldnt live with her parntes.. it was awlays a fight.. she tried her best be couldnt make it work.. so she left that place and lived her life the wya she wanted to live it and no one stopped her.. and i respect the hell outta that.. so its time i owned up.. quit just admiring her and became like her.. and it all starts today
One.. my best friends isnt so much my best friend anymore.. Left me over a game.. cause he refused to admit part of his victories were based on the money he had invested.. which wins were either based on money + skill.. or just skill.. and if its JUST skill which he belives.. then that means that thomas rules all and adam sucksdick... which isnt true.. but he refused to admit it and said i was insulting him and blew up.. and i havent heard from him since.. despite the fact that i tried time and time again to quit the game.. to just trow down my cards and say "fuck it.. im done with it.. no more.. i suck".. but he WANTED to keep it going.. even though he saw how i got when i lost so miseraby time and time again.. i realized that last nite..
secondly.. my parents are slowly trying to drive the few friends i knew i had left away... theres a game called final fantasy 11.. its online.. and you play with ohte rppl around the world.. and i met a few really great ppl.. one girl that id like to get to know better when she moves to georgia this fall for college.. and another woman that... well.. lets just say.. the only person ive ever truely respected and admired in my life was my cousin steven.. well.. i respect and admire this girl just as much... and wish i had half her strength and willpower and determination.. but my parents got tired of me "spending so much damn time on a fucking game".. so they ripped my ethernet cord into pieces and said i wasnt allowed to play nemore.. i said "fine.. ill just have my own internet connected" moved my comp to my room.. was then informed that the "game" wouldnt be played in this house nemore.. so basically my parents said 'fuck you and your friends.. were gonna dictate where you can spend time'.. and it wouldnt have come to this except the fact that i get so pissed off when they CONSTANTLY poked at me about "how can you play that so much?!" "dont you do nething else!?"... which.. i enjoy playin that game first off.. second.. i REALLY enjoy talking to those guys.. just cause i cant go do things with them for real doesnt mean they arent my friends... and to be perfectly honst.. until last nite i thought i had NO one else...
on that note. ill tell you about last nite.. i came into my dads office.. got on his computer.. and spent almos all day talking to my friends from ffxi online.. theres somewher ein teh neighboorhood of 120 messages (300 characters max) sent to me .. from various people.... and god knows how many sent out.. probably the same ammount or a lil higher.. but i found out that i havent lost them... their still my friends, i just cant get to them right now.... well.... after that, a friend i didnt know i still had from high school called me up and we caled for a good hour and a half about various things.. ... ... until last nite i thought all my "HS friends" had quit caring if i was alive or dead... kim proved me wrong and i thank her for that.. you really dont know how much pressure that realieves... knowing you still have friends.. i thought i had lost EVERYONE in feburary when pittman started spreading lies.. then after may came and went and i didnt get invited to graduation by neone.. and i noticed it had been months since i talked to neone from high school.. i thought they didnt care... and it was so horribly depressing at some points i really thought i had no one and didnt care myself if i lived or died.. and hte other day when my few friends were taken away from me by my dad.. i really considered death as an option... well.. after last nite.. its not anymore... and never will be again..
My friends are all i have in this world.. kim, krissy, jocelyn, steve, kellie, vanessa.. all i have (a few others i left out.. but you get the idea)... and i see i'm going to have to fight to keep them.. i have a job now.. but its not good enough.. not enough cash or hours.. i have to find a new job.. and i have to move out of this house.. and i have to start living my life the way "I" choose... i told my parents a while back that i had some great ideas for things to do.. and i wouldnt play ffxi as much.. but still a good bit cause i have friends there.. but apparently my future isnt good enough.. what i do now.. today.. is all that matters to them.. so.. today before work.. im gonna tlak to my cousin peggy and see abour renting her downstairs out for awhile.. as much as i can pay for now.. and doing things like mow her grass.. take out her garbage and such to make up the difference.. and find a better job with more hours and hopefully more pay..
i didnt want it to come to this to be honest.. i just wanted a lil peace in my home here.. but i cant have that as long as my father keeps trying to control my choices.. and tell me im making wrong ones.. its my life.. and its high time i started living it and make the choices THAT I WANT TO MAKE!!!... win lose or draw.. its time i owned up and acted like a man... the girl i look up to os much?.. kellie? why do you think i look up to her? shes been where i am now.. couldnt live with her parntes.. it was awlays a fight.. she tried her best be couldnt make it work.. so she left that place and lived her life the wya she wanted to live it and no one stopped her.. and i respect the hell outta that.. so its time i owned up.. quit just admiring her and became like her.. and it all starts today