musesandlyrics | 2.25. Shihad/Pacifier lyrics
2.25. what have we become
could you comfort me, comfort me
the whole world's come undone
could you comfort me, comfort me
Comfort Me - Shihad/Pacifier
Co-written with surgicalrisk
[Follows THIS]
Despite it being a warm night, Matt felt a chill in his body and he hugged his jacket tightly around himself when he got off his bike and hooked his helmet over the handlebars. It had been a really bad day, and in hindsight, taking a second shift when someone had called in sick after his 5am start probably wasn't a good idea. It had just been a really, really bad day. It had only been about three hours into his shift when he started his observation rounds and discovered one of his patients deceased. She was only in her early thirties and it looked like a post-operative aneurysm took her life suddenly. Matt was only fresh in his nursing career and to this day, had been fortunate not to directly have a death on his ward during any shifts. She was his first, and it was more than a shock for him.
But he had no choice but to try and keep his professionalism; alerting the doctors and staying present while her death was declared and he completed the paperwork indicating he found her. It was then his job to bathe her and prepare for her to be moved to the Morgue and still he kept his professionalism, treating her like he would any other patient. It was only when she was moved and he changed the bed and cleared the room that he let his emotions slip, and it gave way by him being sick in the staff bathroom. But no one was aware how affected he had been. He went back to continue his shift, and then in a wave of delusion as to how much it hit him, accepted the second afternoon shift, which would take him right up to 9pm. Fourteen hours on the job.
George had tried to page him to her office to debrief once she would have been alerted to the patient death. She was ward's nursing manager, so she would have heard pretty soon after it happened. Matt had politely declined the offer, though, rejecting the notion he would need to talk about it. At that point, he didn't need to. He needed to throw up and pretend none of it happened, apparently. But now he had finished his shift, exhausted, the sick feeling still lingered in his stomach and he kept getting images in his head of the patient lying cold and unmoving in the hospital bed. He knew he needed help. He needed to at least not be alone for the moment. He probably should have gone home to his family, and probably still would. Still, he didn't go there immediately and instead found himself out the front of George's home. He hesitated before ringing her doorbell. He was still in his scrubs, his jacket just pulled over the top of it. He didn't even know what he was going to say, but he knew it couldn't hurt to attempt the debrief. He couldn't let this destroy his nursing career, and he was already teetering on the edge of uncertainty.
George had been worried about Matt the moment she'd heard. The fact that she wanted to have a debrief with him was part of the job, but she respected his need for denial. She had plans to beat it out of him tomorrow if she had to, though. Taking the second shift had been lunacy, but he was doing what most staff did. In fact, it's what she herself had done when she'd experienced her first death - he was working it off. Or trying to. She'd stared at her phone for a long time, tempted to call him and try and talk to him, but she was still getting to know Matt, even as his boss.
She didn't know his trigger points yet, and for all she knew, contacting him at home and trying to talk about it would push him too far over the edge. He had family, for all she knew he would break down with them, and he wouldn't really need her.
George had still been lost in thought when the doorbell sounded, moving slowly from the sofa as she went to open the door. Surprise at seeing Matt there showed, her eyes raking over him to see if he was okay. He was still in scrubs, and George reached out to pull him inside without saying anything yet. She shut the door behind them, her gaze now locked on his face as she watched him. "You okay? And please don't bullshit me."
Matt just shook his head slowly, not saying anything at first. He didn't take his jacket off because he was still shivering and tucked his arms around himself in response to it. He wet his lips and glanced around the room, but wasn't really absorbing what he was looking at. "I'm sorry to bother you at home," he murmured when he finally found his voice. "I know it's late."
George gave a shake of her head, and took him by the hand. She was going to sit him on the sofa, but at the last moment she bypassed that and led him to the bedroom. George pulled back the covers, and peeled Matt's jacket off. "Take your shoes off," she directed. She waited patiently, before she pushed him back onto the bed and climbed in beside him. George wrapped herself around Matt, trying to keep him warm as she also tugged the covers up and over them. "You don't have to be sorry. I'm glad you came. I was thinking about you all day. I know it's... it had to have been a hard day. I'm sorry, Matt. I'm so sorry."
Matt didn't relax at first. All his muscles felt tense and wound-up, and it was pooling in his neck and head, which were both aching. "I think I'm just tired," he mumbled. "Been a long day, all that. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to try and clear all this out of my head. It feels like it's pounding. I just didn't expect it. I didn't expect my first to be so... young."
George stayed wrapped around him, and pressed a kiss to the back of his neck. "I know. It's never how we expect. I don't know if I was any better off having an old man. He was so sweet to me. Always made me laugh when I did his Obs. You're not supposed to do anything. People deal with it differently. Some get pissed, some need to cry. Others are sick.. Others just need comfort. You do whatever's best for you. Do you want me to get you something for the headache?"
"Do others contemplate chucking it all in?" Matt asked quietly, looking at books piled up near the wall across from the bed. "Because I think I fall into all of those you just listed and I don't even know how I managed to finish the shift now that it's over. I don't think I'm cut out for this side of it all. When the going gets tough, I clearly suck. Maybe I just need to let my head hurt until it stops churning all the thoughts over and over again. She was just cold. She had been like that for awhile."
George shifted under the covers, and started to tug up his scrubs top to get him out of it. "Yes. Even I thought about quitting. It's hard. No one's going to think any less of you for taking it hard. As bad as it sounds, it does get easier the more you deal with death. Not everyone's going to get saved." George slipped her arms back around him, her chin resting on his shoulder. "Adrenaline, probably. And denial. It's a powerful thing when you need to fight through something. You don't suck, it's just another part of the job you need to get some practice in. You think everyone just instantly takes it all in their stride? It's a fucking dead person. You'd have to have a heart of stone not to feel the loss." George rubbed her hand against his chest, trying to build up the heat. "There wouldn't have been anything you could have done."
Matt drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I just feel sick. But again, it's probably just a need to sleep. I just keep seeing the images in my head, though. Finding her, cleaning her up, packing her things up for her family. She's only just been recently married. She was in for some routine surgery. I just keep trying to figure out how any nurse gets beyond it, but they must some way. Everyone kept asking if I was alright, and I kept telling them I was when I don't really think I was. I still don't think I am."
"You don't have to be. You know that, right? You don't have to be okay. Not until you've processed this." George wanted so much just for Matt to be instantly okay, but it wasn't going to happen. "You do need sleep. You've just done an insane shift on top of losing your first patient. You're probably exhausted, but you're now also probably overtired. It might be a while until you can sleep." George wasn't going to ask him to stay, mostly because she'd already made up her mind that he was staying.
Matt had a sad frown that had become set in his features since the start of the day. He didn't even realise he was doing it by this point and he let his eyes fall closed tiredly as he listen to George talk. But she was right, despite his eyes being closed, the thoughts were still swirling in his mind, not feeling like they would ever switch off. "I might need a couple of days off," he conceded. "I'm supposed to be back at work at seven tomorrow morning. I can take leave, if it's okay. I understand if it's not. Short notice, and I'm not even sick or anything..." Though he probably would end up making himself sick if he didn't process this and lock it away in his box of career experiences.
George bit down on her lip, not agreeing to the time off straight away. She could understand it, she really could. She just wasn't sure it was the best thing for Matt. Most times it helped just to get back to work, and to realise it was just a part of the routine. It was a shit part of the routine, but it wasn't going to change any time soon. No amount of time off would make it any easier. "Take it, but just be aware it might not fix anything. I know this is hard, Matt. I know it sucks, and I'm here for anything you need, but it's not just going to go away."
"I know. I just... I might just go stay with my family for a couple of days. They keep me sane, probably because they're nuts themselves." Matt chewed on his lip. "Not seriously. They're just pretty much one of a kind in the family stakes. Today was just my ninth day straight without a break. I was heading into my tenth. Had that training thing last week that sucked my days off away from me. I'm... tired."
George pulled her mouth to the side. "You should have said so something. I can get distracted about who's doing what when I don't have it in front of me. You should take the time off, definitely. Go cool off, and take strength from your family."
"I didn't want to leave you high and dry. I know some of the wards have been short, and I had a couple of ER shifts in the middle of that. It's not your fault. I accepted them. It will give me a chance to catch up with my sisters and stuff. I'm not running away. I know it seems like I am. I just think I'll be able to get my head around it better if I'm not so exhausted. I'm usually pretty good with dealing with stuff like this. It just took me by surprise. And the whole body thing, I thought I was okay with it. Until it's actually there, you know?" Matt mumbled, feeling a little annoyed at himself for letting his self control slip.
"Yeah, I know," George said. She kissed his shoulder, her fingers brushing against his chest. "There are times where you just have to say enough is enough. You've reached your limit for now, and there's no shame in that. You're still new to the job, and you're still learning. I'm not a slave driver, and I'm not here to break you." She let out a sigh. Truth was, she just wanted to protect him. It should have been a warning sign.
Matt nodded against the pillow. "I think I reached my limit. For now. I'm okay. I know I look like shit, but I am okay. Just wondering why nursing seemed so shiney, more than anything. My sister is studying Psychology, and I'm glad for the fact she won't have to see deceased patients. I know it'll get better, and at the same time, she's not going to be the worst I see. To think I was actually contemplating becoming a resus nurse."
"It probably feels like you got every reason to question your choices, and the truth is--you do. You're allowed to have doubts, it's what makes you human." George moved her hand, threading her fingers between Matt's. "Believe it or not, you'll be a better nurse because of this. You see the patients as people, and not bodies. There's only so much objectivity we can have. We're hear to care for the patients. Even if it means they die."
Matt squeezed her hand back. "It's funny, you know. One of the reasons I did choose nursing was so I could make people comfortable, even if they weren't going to make it. I had grandioso ambition. I never even contemplated being a doctor, I just always wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to help people." He exhaled slowly, trying to let some of the tension fall from his muscles. "Thanks for this. I really appreciate it. More than you could know."
George smiled, kissing the back of his shoulder again. "There's nothing wrong with that particular ambition. In fact it's admirable. You just need to ease yourself into this part. It's hard, and it's confronting. You'll be okay, I have faith." She sat up a little to look at his face. "You're welcome. More than you could know."
Word Count | 2,452
could you comfort me, comfort me
the whole world's come undone
could you comfort me, comfort me
Comfort Me - Shihad/Pacifier
Co-written with surgicalrisk
[Follows THIS]
Despite it being a warm night, Matt felt a chill in his body and he hugged his jacket tightly around himself when he got off his bike and hooked his helmet over the handlebars. It had been a really bad day, and in hindsight, taking a second shift when someone had called in sick after his 5am start probably wasn't a good idea. It had just been a really, really bad day. It had only been about three hours into his shift when he started his observation rounds and discovered one of his patients deceased. She was only in her early thirties and it looked like a post-operative aneurysm took her life suddenly. Matt was only fresh in his nursing career and to this day, had been fortunate not to directly have a death on his ward during any shifts. She was his first, and it was more than a shock for him.
But he had no choice but to try and keep his professionalism; alerting the doctors and staying present while her death was declared and he completed the paperwork indicating he found her. It was then his job to bathe her and prepare for her to be moved to the Morgue and still he kept his professionalism, treating her like he would any other patient. It was only when she was moved and he changed the bed and cleared the room that he let his emotions slip, and it gave way by him being sick in the staff bathroom. But no one was aware how affected he had been. He went back to continue his shift, and then in a wave of delusion as to how much it hit him, accepted the second afternoon shift, which would take him right up to 9pm. Fourteen hours on the job.
George had tried to page him to her office to debrief once she would have been alerted to the patient death. She was ward's nursing manager, so she would have heard pretty soon after it happened. Matt had politely declined the offer, though, rejecting the notion he would need to talk about it. At that point, he didn't need to. He needed to throw up and pretend none of it happened, apparently. But now he had finished his shift, exhausted, the sick feeling still lingered in his stomach and he kept getting images in his head of the patient lying cold and unmoving in the hospital bed. He knew he needed help. He needed to at least not be alone for the moment. He probably should have gone home to his family, and probably still would. Still, he didn't go there immediately and instead found himself out the front of George's home. He hesitated before ringing her doorbell. He was still in his scrubs, his jacket just pulled over the top of it. He didn't even know what he was going to say, but he knew it couldn't hurt to attempt the debrief. He couldn't let this destroy his nursing career, and he was already teetering on the edge of uncertainty.
George had been worried about Matt the moment she'd heard. The fact that she wanted to have a debrief with him was part of the job, but she respected his need for denial. She had plans to beat it out of him tomorrow if she had to, though. Taking the second shift had been lunacy, but he was doing what most staff did. In fact, it's what she herself had done when she'd experienced her first death - he was working it off. Or trying to. She'd stared at her phone for a long time, tempted to call him and try and talk to him, but she was still getting to know Matt, even as his boss.
She didn't know his trigger points yet, and for all she knew, contacting him at home and trying to talk about it would push him too far over the edge. He had family, for all she knew he would break down with them, and he wouldn't really need her.
George had still been lost in thought when the doorbell sounded, moving slowly from the sofa as she went to open the door. Surprise at seeing Matt there showed, her eyes raking over him to see if he was okay. He was still in scrubs, and George reached out to pull him inside without saying anything yet. She shut the door behind them, her gaze now locked on his face as she watched him. "You okay? And please don't bullshit me."
Matt just shook his head slowly, not saying anything at first. He didn't take his jacket off because he was still shivering and tucked his arms around himself in response to it. He wet his lips and glanced around the room, but wasn't really absorbing what he was looking at. "I'm sorry to bother you at home," he murmured when he finally found his voice. "I know it's late."
George gave a shake of her head, and took him by the hand. She was going to sit him on the sofa, but at the last moment she bypassed that and led him to the bedroom. George pulled back the covers, and peeled Matt's jacket off. "Take your shoes off," she directed. She waited patiently, before she pushed him back onto the bed and climbed in beside him. George wrapped herself around Matt, trying to keep him warm as she also tugged the covers up and over them. "You don't have to be sorry. I'm glad you came. I was thinking about you all day. I know it's... it had to have been a hard day. I'm sorry, Matt. I'm so sorry."
Matt didn't relax at first. All his muscles felt tense and wound-up, and it was pooling in his neck and head, which were both aching. "I think I'm just tired," he mumbled. "Been a long day, all that. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to try and clear all this out of my head. It feels like it's pounding. I just didn't expect it. I didn't expect my first to be so... young."
George stayed wrapped around him, and pressed a kiss to the back of his neck. "I know. It's never how we expect. I don't know if I was any better off having an old man. He was so sweet to me. Always made me laugh when I did his Obs. You're not supposed to do anything. People deal with it differently. Some get pissed, some need to cry. Others are sick.. Others just need comfort. You do whatever's best for you. Do you want me to get you something for the headache?"
"Do others contemplate chucking it all in?" Matt asked quietly, looking at books piled up near the wall across from the bed. "Because I think I fall into all of those you just listed and I don't even know how I managed to finish the shift now that it's over. I don't think I'm cut out for this side of it all. When the going gets tough, I clearly suck. Maybe I just need to let my head hurt until it stops churning all the thoughts over and over again. She was just cold. She had been like that for awhile."
George shifted under the covers, and started to tug up his scrubs top to get him out of it. "Yes. Even I thought about quitting. It's hard. No one's going to think any less of you for taking it hard. As bad as it sounds, it does get easier the more you deal with death. Not everyone's going to get saved." George slipped her arms back around him, her chin resting on his shoulder. "Adrenaline, probably. And denial. It's a powerful thing when you need to fight through something. You don't suck, it's just another part of the job you need to get some practice in. You think everyone just instantly takes it all in their stride? It's a fucking dead person. You'd have to have a heart of stone not to feel the loss." George rubbed her hand against his chest, trying to build up the heat. "There wouldn't have been anything you could have done."
Matt drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I just feel sick. But again, it's probably just a need to sleep. I just keep seeing the images in my head, though. Finding her, cleaning her up, packing her things up for her family. She's only just been recently married. She was in for some routine surgery. I just keep trying to figure out how any nurse gets beyond it, but they must some way. Everyone kept asking if I was alright, and I kept telling them I was when I don't really think I was. I still don't think I am."
"You don't have to be. You know that, right? You don't have to be okay. Not until you've processed this." George wanted so much just for Matt to be instantly okay, but it wasn't going to happen. "You do need sleep. You've just done an insane shift on top of losing your first patient. You're probably exhausted, but you're now also probably overtired. It might be a while until you can sleep." George wasn't going to ask him to stay, mostly because she'd already made up her mind that he was staying.
Matt had a sad frown that had become set in his features since the start of the day. He didn't even realise he was doing it by this point and he let his eyes fall closed tiredly as he listen to George talk. But she was right, despite his eyes being closed, the thoughts were still swirling in his mind, not feeling like they would ever switch off. "I might need a couple of days off," he conceded. "I'm supposed to be back at work at seven tomorrow morning. I can take leave, if it's okay. I understand if it's not. Short notice, and I'm not even sick or anything..." Though he probably would end up making himself sick if he didn't process this and lock it away in his box of career experiences.
George bit down on her lip, not agreeing to the time off straight away. She could understand it, she really could. She just wasn't sure it was the best thing for Matt. Most times it helped just to get back to work, and to realise it was just a part of the routine. It was a shit part of the routine, but it wasn't going to change any time soon. No amount of time off would make it any easier. "Take it, but just be aware it might not fix anything. I know this is hard, Matt. I know it sucks, and I'm here for anything you need, but it's not just going to go away."
"I know. I just... I might just go stay with my family for a couple of days. They keep me sane, probably because they're nuts themselves." Matt chewed on his lip. "Not seriously. They're just pretty much one of a kind in the family stakes. Today was just my ninth day straight without a break. I was heading into my tenth. Had that training thing last week that sucked my days off away from me. I'm... tired."
George pulled her mouth to the side. "You should have said so something. I can get distracted about who's doing what when I don't have it in front of me. You should take the time off, definitely. Go cool off, and take strength from your family."
"I didn't want to leave you high and dry. I know some of the wards have been short, and I had a couple of ER shifts in the middle of that. It's not your fault. I accepted them. It will give me a chance to catch up with my sisters and stuff. I'm not running away. I know it seems like I am. I just think I'll be able to get my head around it better if I'm not so exhausted. I'm usually pretty good with dealing with stuff like this. It just took me by surprise. And the whole body thing, I thought I was okay with it. Until it's actually there, you know?" Matt mumbled, feeling a little annoyed at himself for letting his self control slip.
"Yeah, I know," George said. She kissed his shoulder, her fingers brushing against his chest. "There are times where you just have to say enough is enough. You've reached your limit for now, and there's no shame in that. You're still new to the job, and you're still learning. I'm not a slave driver, and I'm not here to break you." She let out a sigh. Truth was, she just wanted to protect him. It should have been a warning sign.
Matt nodded against the pillow. "I think I reached my limit. For now. I'm okay. I know I look like shit, but I am okay. Just wondering why nursing seemed so shiney, more than anything. My sister is studying Psychology, and I'm glad for the fact she won't have to see deceased patients. I know it'll get better, and at the same time, she's not going to be the worst I see. To think I was actually contemplating becoming a resus nurse."
"It probably feels like you got every reason to question your choices, and the truth is--you do. You're allowed to have doubts, it's what makes you human." George moved her hand, threading her fingers between Matt's. "Believe it or not, you'll be a better nurse because of this. You see the patients as people, and not bodies. There's only so much objectivity we can have. We're hear to care for the patients. Even if it means they die."
Matt squeezed her hand back. "It's funny, you know. One of the reasons I did choose nursing was so I could make people comfortable, even if they weren't going to make it. I had grandioso ambition. I never even contemplated being a doctor, I just always wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to help people." He exhaled slowly, trying to let some of the tension fall from his muscles. "Thanks for this. I really appreciate it. More than you could know."
George smiled, kissing the back of his shoulder again. "There's nothing wrong with that particular ambition. In fact it's admirable. You just need to ease yourself into this part. It's hard, and it's confronting. You'll be okay, I have faith." She sat up a little to look at his face. "You're welcome. More than you could know."
Word Count | 2,452