Temper, temper...
These days I look through my bookshelves muttering things like, "Calm. Calm." I look for books that I can read a page or two of and be soothed by them. I know how they begin, how they middle, how they end. There are no unknowns. I know who the bad guy is, who dies, who wins. I am comforted in the knowing, soothed in the dependability of words.
I have no other dependability, my own emotions rocket upwards and then crash down again with surprising force. I cannot hold my tongue. I cannot hold my body. To stay and keep talking...I just can't. I have to leave, get out immediately, before I say something wrong or hurt someone.
I am terrified of being left. I am terrified of being dependent. Love, I can do that. Need makes me shudder and quake. The people who I've needed in recent memory have left me. I needed Solomon, for my daily breath I needed him, for my heart to keep beating, I needed him. And he walked away. More like ran.
I need again, need comfort and solace and warmth and compassion and love to come home to. And I get it. I'm just very afraid that it will disappear.
I have no other dependability, my own emotions rocket upwards and then crash down again with surprising force. I cannot hold my tongue. I cannot hold my body. To stay and keep talking...I just can't. I have to leave, get out immediately, before I say something wrong or hurt someone.
I am terrified of being left. I am terrified of being dependent. Love, I can do that. Need makes me shudder and quake. The people who I've needed in recent memory have left me. I needed Solomon, for my daily breath I needed him, for my heart to keep beating, I needed him. And he walked away. More like ran.
I need again, need comfort and solace and warmth and compassion and love to come home to. And I get it. I'm just very afraid that it will disappear.