we chose each other | s.coups/woozi [30/32]
title: we chose each other [chapter thirty]
pairing: s.coups/woozi
genre: angst, romance, friendship
rating: m
warnings: in depth interaction with suicide, depression, homophobia and related issues, bullying, firearms, manipulation, smoking, language, implied sexual situations
wordcount: 1.9k
summary: au. Seungcheol passes the days trying to escape his past and find meaning in the future. Jihoon goes through each day trying to find a reason to live for himself, and not just exist pretending for others. Little do they know, a chance encounter gives them both what they’re searching for, and something more.
Jihoon feels the wind sting his cheek as he steps outside. It’s raining heavily and his hair is dripping into his eyes within a block as he speed walks through puddles and people bundled under umbrellas, trying to get out of the rain.
Seungcheol’s voice rings in his head. How could we ever have feelings for each other?
Jihoon pulls his coat tighter around his body. How could he say that?
He shakes his head, trying to rid his mind of the memory. No, he was in some weird, stressed mood and he’ll call and apologise later and it’ll be fine.
How could I ever love you?
Jihoon squeezes his eyes shut and tells himself he’s twisting the words that echo in his head, but he can’t help it. He knows that’s what Seungcheol meant.
He shakes his head and takes a deep breath, takes quick steps through puddles. He’s fine.
He’s going to be absolutely fine. He has a meeting tomorrow, so he has to get home and get a good night’s sleep so he can present his team’s report -
He sees his reflection flash in a shop window, and he pauses to see his miserable, drenched reflection stares back at him.
And Jihoon thinks of Seungcheol’s eyes when he had dried them both off in towels when they got caught in the rain, so warm and loving. He remembers the first time he came to Seungcheol’s apartment, after Seungcheol’s birthday. He remembers the millions of memories he’s made with Seungcheol, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.
Jihoon remembers. And he breaks while standing outside a shop window, two blocks from Seungcheol’s apartment.
It’s almost funny how he can see exactly how he crumbles - face scrunching up as the tears well up and mix with the rain sliding down his face.
He looks ugly when he cries.
He remembers Seungcheol calling him cute and kissing his hair. Jihoon crouches on the sidewalk, hugging his knees feebly as he cries. He remembers Seungcheol smiling brightly at him and holding him tightly. Jihoon feels like he can’t move, getting drenched in the middle of the night, in the middle of the street. But Jihoon can’t bring himself to care. How can he care about getting wet, when Seungcheol is up there, saying he doesn’t love Jihoon, after he did everything to show he did?
Did Seungcheol really break up with him? He said it enough times, some more inadvertently, but Jihoon doesn’t know how to believe it.
Is he really alone again?
It takes a car horning a few streets away for Jihoon to slowly unfurl from himself, stand up, and very slowly continue walking.
He keeps going on automatic, barely registering what he does and where he goes.
He only really registers anything when Soonyoung is staring at him, rubbing his eyes blearily.
“Jihoon?” he says, clearly confused. Jihoon doesn’t say anything, just stares at his shoes, where he’s slowly making a puddle on Soonyoung’s doorstep.
Soonyoung just pulls him inside, peels him out of his wet clothes and starts drying him with a fluffy towel. He hands Jihoon some spare clothes and pushes him into the bathroom to change. Jihoon emerges a few minutes later, still looking as mindless and blank as when he walked in. Soonyoung doesn’t ask, just waits until Jihoon speaks - he’s been friends with Jihoon long enough to know to wait.
Soonyoung pulls away from drying Jihoon’s brown hair to find the younger is crying, constant silent tears, but face carefully blank.
“Jihoon…” Soonyoung murmurs, wiping his tears with the towel, but his cheeks merely become wet with tears again within moments.
“Please say something, Jihoon,” he says. “You’re scaring me,”
Jihoon opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. Soonyoung rubs his head with the towel once more and then Jihoon splutters, face finally scrunching up as he cries, hands pulling the fluffy towel around his face to muffle the broken wails coming from the young man inside.
Soonyoung feels his heart wrench in pain as he sees his best friend so hurt, even though he doesn’t know what happened. He just hugs Jihoon to his chest, rubs his back and hushes him.
He pulls Jihoon out of the towel when the younger starts calming down, hiccuping and sniffling, but breathing a little easier now. Soonyoung finishes drying him before tossing the towel aside and guiding him to his bed.
There are numerous guest bedrooms in the Kwon household, but Soonyoung is not leaving Jihoon alone in one of those at a time like this.
Jihoon is like a young child as he stiffly climbs into the blankets, looking tiny in Soonyoung’s clothes.
“Can you message Chan and tell him where I am? He’ll tell Youngho,” Jihoon croaks out. Soonyoung just nods and ruffles his hair before doing that.
When he comes back to his bed, Jihoon looks like he’s asleep, curled up like a kitten, like he wants to be as small as possible. Soonyoung would find it cute if he didn’t think of Jihoon once admitting how he often wants to disappear.
Soonyoung thinks of that as he crawls in next to his best friend and pulls him towards him, Jihoon stirring as Soonyoung envelopes him in a hug.
Soonyoung turns off the light and settles down to sleep, but a moment later, he hears a sniffle and shifts to look at Jihoon in the dark.
“Jihoon?”
“Sorry, I just - ”
“Shh, it’s okay,” Soonyoung says and Jihoon whimpers, like those words physically hurt him. Soonyoung is confused.
“You want to tell me what happened?” he asks.
“Seungcheol….” Jihoon starts but can’t seem to continue, and Soonyoung feels him shift to rub at his eyes.
“Did you guys fight?” Soonyoung asks quietly.
“Sorta,” Jihoon mumbles. Soonyoung waits a beat, and is about to ask again, when Jihoon adds, “we broke up. I think.”
Soonyoung sits up so fast he feels mildly dizzy. “What?” he breathes.
He’d be less surprised if Jihoon had said Seungcheol was actually an alien. Breaking up? Jihoon and Seungcheol? It just wasn’t possible.
Jihoon sniffles and tugs his shirt to get him to lie back down. “I don’t… I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about it,” he mumbles, burying his face into Soonyoung’s shirt.
Soonyoung has no idea what to do. His best friend, who is lukewarm with affection at best, is seeking comfort in the form of affection - the way Soonyoung knows Seungcheol always gave. If Soonyoung gives the comfort Jihoon wants, will it only hurt him more?
He feels Jihoon’s grip on his shirt tighten and Soonyoung caves.
It might hurt more, but he can’t leave Jihoon alone to deal with this. He makes a face and pulls his best friend close.
An hour later, when he’s sure Jihoon is asleep, after having muffled his sniffles into Soonyoung’s shirt, the Kwon heir reaches for his phone.
Jihoon is with me
Seungcheol’s reply is immediate. thank you
We need to talk later
Seungcheol doesn’t answer that, and Soonyoung just goes back to holding his best friend.
“You look like you pulled an all-nighter,” Jeonghan laughs when Seungcheol walks into the bar that evening. Seungcheol doesn’t even spare him a glance and the long-haired bartender glances at him.
“Seungcheol? Are you okay?” he asks. The dark-haired male doesn’t answer. Jeonghan puts a hand on his shoulder and Seungcheol jumps like he’s startled, like he hasn’t heard or seen Jeonghan at all.
“Are you okay?” Jeonghan asks again. Seungcheol looks like he’s in a daze.
“I, uh, yeah, I’m fine,” he manages the most pathetic fake smile Jeonghan has ever seen.
Before he can call Seungcheol out on his bullshit though, the other male nearly falls over from the tea towel thrown at his face.
“You’re the biggest damn idiot I have ever met, you know that?!” Yejin is fuming, looking like she is holding herself back from strangling Seungcheol.
“What?” Jeonghan asks at the same time Seungcheol asks the same question.
“Are you insane?! Did you suddenly stop being able to comprehend human emotion?!” She screams, and she’s hitting Seungcheol even from her short height. “You’ve done a lot of stupid shit in your life, Choi Seungcheol, but breaking up with Jihoon just about takes the cake! What were you even thinking?!”
“What?!” Jeonghan gasps. “Jihoon? You guys - ”
And suddenly Seungcheol’s face is flickering between emotionless and emotional. It’s strange to see, the way he tries to close himself off to keep his voice steady as he explains it was only a matter of time, and an inevitable conclusion, but at the same time, his eyes look like they’re welling with tears and he looks like a child who needs comfort.
Yejin gives it before Seungcheol gets to ask.
She just makes him bend over so she can wrap her arms around his shoulders and holds him tight as she hushes him, hand petting his hair.
“It’s okay. I know you still love him,”
And just like that, Seungcheol breaks; like a helpless crying child, clutching Yejin like he’s in so many pieces, he’ll dissolve into the ground if he lets go.
“You should have seen his face, noona,” Seungcheol whispers brokenly. Every word that comes out of his mouth seems broken now. “He looked like I had physically hit him. I felt like I was slowly stabbing myself over and over again.”
He closes his eyes but no more tears flow. Yejin doesn’t know whether to be relieved or not - part of her thinks he’s literally just out of tears.
“I told him he didn’t belong here, but it’s me. I don’t belong by his side. I could never be enough for him,” he murmurs. “I made him cry. I hurt him. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself, noona. I don’t know how to keep going, but I know I can’t stop either. Because if I stop, he’ll come back. And he can’t.”
“It’s the only way, but it hurts so much,”
Yejin pulls him towards her and holds him close.
Seungcheol sends one message to Jihoon, two days after that, three days after he and Jihoon broke up.
He thinks of all the words he wants to explain, wants to say to Jihoon if they never meet again. In the end, nothing seems to be enough. Nothing can mend the hurt that he inflicted, and until he fixes that, he can’t speak of gentle kisses and warm feelings and an immeasurable amount of love.
I’m sorry. Please be happy. is all Seungcheol manages in the end. Yejin is there when he clicks send. She just pets his hair and hugs him tightly.
She’s also there when Jihoon replies, an hour later, the only one he gives. I don’t know if I’ll be able to find happiness after you, but I hope you manage to find your happiness too.
Seungcheol cries into her shoulder in the backroom, and Jeonghan gets Jisoo to help attend the bar.
But after that… Seungcheol never mentions Jihoon again. He makes Simple cocktails without any flash of emotion, talks brightly to customers and laughs at their jokes easily, like there’s nothing wrong.
Yejin just watches him and pretends she doesn’t notice how there isn’t a sparkle in his eye anymore, like she doesn’t know he’s so broken inside that he’s barely more than a robot just existing now.
pairing: s.coups/woozi
genre: angst, romance, friendship
rating: m
warnings: in depth interaction with suicide, depression, homophobia and related issues, bullying, firearms, manipulation, smoking, language, implied sexual situations
wordcount: 1.9k
summary: au. Seungcheol passes the days trying to escape his past and find meaning in the future. Jihoon goes through each day trying to find a reason to live for himself, and not just exist pretending for others. Little do they know, a chance encounter gives them both what they’re searching for, and something more.
Jihoon feels the wind sting his cheek as he steps outside. It’s raining heavily and his hair is dripping into his eyes within a block as he speed walks through puddles and people bundled under umbrellas, trying to get out of the rain.
Seungcheol’s voice rings in his head. How could we ever have feelings for each other?
Jihoon pulls his coat tighter around his body. How could he say that?
He shakes his head, trying to rid his mind of the memory. No, he was in some weird, stressed mood and he’ll call and apologise later and it’ll be fine.
How could I ever love you?
Jihoon squeezes his eyes shut and tells himself he’s twisting the words that echo in his head, but he can’t help it. He knows that’s what Seungcheol meant.
He shakes his head and takes a deep breath, takes quick steps through puddles. He’s fine.
He’s going to be absolutely fine. He has a meeting tomorrow, so he has to get home and get a good night’s sleep so he can present his team’s report -
He sees his reflection flash in a shop window, and he pauses to see his miserable, drenched reflection stares back at him.
And Jihoon thinks of Seungcheol’s eyes when he had dried them both off in towels when they got caught in the rain, so warm and loving. He remembers the first time he came to Seungcheol’s apartment, after Seungcheol’s birthday. He remembers the millions of memories he’s made with Seungcheol, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant.
Jihoon remembers. And he breaks while standing outside a shop window, two blocks from Seungcheol’s apartment.
It’s almost funny how he can see exactly how he crumbles - face scrunching up as the tears well up and mix with the rain sliding down his face.
He looks ugly when he cries.
He remembers Seungcheol calling him cute and kissing his hair. Jihoon crouches on the sidewalk, hugging his knees feebly as he cries. He remembers Seungcheol smiling brightly at him and holding him tightly. Jihoon feels like he can’t move, getting drenched in the middle of the night, in the middle of the street. But Jihoon can’t bring himself to care. How can he care about getting wet, when Seungcheol is up there, saying he doesn’t love Jihoon, after he did everything to show he did?
Did Seungcheol really break up with him? He said it enough times, some more inadvertently, but Jihoon doesn’t know how to believe it.
Is he really alone again?
It takes a car horning a few streets away for Jihoon to slowly unfurl from himself, stand up, and very slowly continue walking.
He keeps going on automatic, barely registering what he does and where he goes.
He only really registers anything when Soonyoung is staring at him, rubbing his eyes blearily.
“Jihoon?” he says, clearly confused. Jihoon doesn’t say anything, just stares at his shoes, where he’s slowly making a puddle on Soonyoung’s doorstep.
Soonyoung just pulls him inside, peels him out of his wet clothes and starts drying him with a fluffy towel. He hands Jihoon some spare clothes and pushes him into the bathroom to change. Jihoon emerges a few minutes later, still looking as mindless and blank as when he walked in. Soonyoung doesn’t ask, just waits until Jihoon speaks - he’s been friends with Jihoon long enough to know to wait.
Soonyoung pulls away from drying Jihoon’s brown hair to find the younger is crying, constant silent tears, but face carefully blank.
“Jihoon…” Soonyoung murmurs, wiping his tears with the towel, but his cheeks merely become wet with tears again within moments.
“Please say something, Jihoon,” he says. “You’re scaring me,”
Jihoon opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. Soonyoung rubs his head with the towel once more and then Jihoon splutters, face finally scrunching up as he cries, hands pulling the fluffy towel around his face to muffle the broken wails coming from the young man inside.
Soonyoung feels his heart wrench in pain as he sees his best friend so hurt, even though he doesn’t know what happened. He just hugs Jihoon to his chest, rubs his back and hushes him.
He pulls Jihoon out of the towel when the younger starts calming down, hiccuping and sniffling, but breathing a little easier now. Soonyoung finishes drying him before tossing the towel aside and guiding him to his bed.
There are numerous guest bedrooms in the Kwon household, but Soonyoung is not leaving Jihoon alone in one of those at a time like this.
Jihoon is like a young child as he stiffly climbs into the blankets, looking tiny in Soonyoung’s clothes.
“Can you message Chan and tell him where I am? He’ll tell Youngho,” Jihoon croaks out. Soonyoung just nods and ruffles his hair before doing that.
When he comes back to his bed, Jihoon looks like he’s asleep, curled up like a kitten, like he wants to be as small as possible. Soonyoung would find it cute if he didn’t think of Jihoon once admitting how he often wants to disappear.
Soonyoung thinks of that as he crawls in next to his best friend and pulls him towards him, Jihoon stirring as Soonyoung envelopes him in a hug.
Soonyoung turns off the light and settles down to sleep, but a moment later, he hears a sniffle and shifts to look at Jihoon in the dark.
“Jihoon?”
“Sorry, I just - ”
“Shh, it’s okay,” Soonyoung says and Jihoon whimpers, like those words physically hurt him. Soonyoung is confused.
“You want to tell me what happened?” he asks.
“Seungcheol….” Jihoon starts but can’t seem to continue, and Soonyoung feels him shift to rub at his eyes.
“Did you guys fight?” Soonyoung asks quietly.
“Sorta,” Jihoon mumbles. Soonyoung waits a beat, and is about to ask again, when Jihoon adds, “we broke up. I think.”
Soonyoung sits up so fast he feels mildly dizzy. “What?” he breathes.
He’d be less surprised if Jihoon had said Seungcheol was actually an alien. Breaking up? Jihoon and Seungcheol? It just wasn’t possible.
Jihoon sniffles and tugs his shirt to get him to lie back down. “I don’t… I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about it,” he mumbles, burying his face into Soonyoung’s shirt.
Soonyoung has no idea what to do. His best friend, who is lukewarm with affection at best, is seeking comfort in the form of affection - the way Soonyoung knows Seungcheol always gave. If Soonyoung gives the comfort Jihoon wants, will it only hurt him more?
He feels Jihoon’s grip on his shirt tighten and Soonyoung caves.
It might hurt more, but he can’t leave Jihoon alone to deal with this. He makes a face and pulls his best friend close.
An hour later, when he’s sure Jihoon is asleep, after having muffled his sniffles into Soonyoung’s shirt, the Kwon heir reaches for his phone.
Jihoon is with me
Seungcheol’s reply is immediate. thank you
We need to talk later
Seungcheol doesn’t answer that, and Soonyoung just goes back to holding his best friend.
“You look like you pulled an all-nighter,” Jeonghan laughs when Seungcheol walks into the bar that evening. Seungcheol doesn’t even spare him a glance and the long-haired bartender glances at him.
“Seungcheol? Are you okay?” he asks. The dark-haired male doesn’t answer. Jeonghan puts a hand on his shoulder and Seungcheol jumps like he’s startled, like he hasn’t heard or seen Jeonghan at all.
“Are you okay?” Jeonghan asks again. Seungcheol looks like he’s in a daze.
“I, uh, yeah, I’m fine,” he manages the most pathetic fake smile Jeonghan has ever seen.
Before he can call Seungcheol out on his bullshit though, the other male nearly falls over from the tea towel thrown at his face.
“You’re the biggest damn idiot I have ever met, you know that?!” Yejin is fuming, looking like she is holding herself back from strangling Seungcheol.
“What?” Jeonghan asks at the same time Seungcheol asks the same question.
“Are you insane?! Did you suddenly stop being able to comprehend human emotion?!” She screams, and she’s hitting Seungcheol even from her short height. “You’ve done a lot of stupid shit in your life, Choi Seungcheol, but breaking up with Jihoon just about takes the cake! What were you even thinking?!”
“What?!” Jeonghan gasps. “Jihoon? You guys - ”
And suddenly Seungcheol’s face is flickering between emotionless and emotional. It’s strange to see, the way he tries to close himself off to keep his voice steady as he explains it was only a matter of time, and an inevitable conclusion, but at the same time, his eyes look like they’re welling with tears and he looks like a child who needs comfort.
Yejin gives it before Seungcheol gets to ask.
She just makes him bend over so she can wrap her arms around his shoulders and holds him tight as she hushes him, hand petting his hair.
“It’s okay. I know you still love him,”
And just like that, Seungcheol breaks; like a helpless crying child, clutching Yejin like he’s in so many pieces, he’ll dissolve into the ground if he lets go.
“You should have seen his face, noona,” Seungcheol whispers brokenly. Every word that comes out of his mouth seems broken now. “He looked like I had physically hit him. I felt like I was slowly stabbing myself over and over again.”
He closes his eyes but no more tears flow. Yejin doesn’t know whether to be relieved or not - part of her thinks he’s literally just out of tears.
“I told him he didn’t belong here, but it’s me. I don’t belong by his side. I could never be enough for him,” he murmurs. “I made him cry. I hurt him. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself, noona. I don’t know how to keep going, but I know I can’t stop either. Because if I stop, he’ll come back. And he can’t.”
“It’s the only way, but it hurts so much,”
Yejin pulls him towards her and holds him close.
Seungcheol sends one message to Jihoon, two days after that, three days after he and Jihoon broke up.
He thinks of all the words he wants to explain, wants to say to Jihoon if they never meet again. In the end, nothing seems to be enough. Nothing can mend the hurt that he inflicted, and until he fixes that, he can’t speak of gentle kisses and warm feelings and an immeasurable amount of love.
I’m sorry. Please be happy. is all Seungcheol manages in the end. Yejin is there when he clicks send. She just pets his hair and hugs him tightly.
She’s also there when Jihoon replies, an hour later, the only one he gives. I don’t know if I’ll be able to find happiness after you, but I hope you manage to find your happiness too.
Seungcheol cries into her shoulder in the backroom, and Jeonghan gets Jisoo to help attend the bar.
But after that… Seungcheol never mentions Jihoon again. He makes Simple cocktails without any flash of emotion, talks brightly to customers and laughs at their jokes easily, like there’s nothing wrong.
Yejin just watches him and pretends she doesn’t notice how there isn’t a sparkle in his eye anymore, like she doesn’t know he’s so broken inside that he’s barely more than a robot just existing now.