we chose each other | s.coups/woozi [24/?]
title: we chose each other
pairing: s.coups/woozi
genre: angst, romance, friendship
rating: m
warnings: in depth interaction with suicide, depression, homophobia and related issues, bullying, firearms, manipulation, smoking, language, implied sexual situations
wordcount: 3.2k
summary: au. Seungcheol passes the days trying to escape his past and find meaning in the future. Jihoon goes through each day trying to find a reason to live for himself, and not just exist pretending for others. Little do they know, a chance encounter gives them both what they’re searching for, and something more.
a/n: hello hello. i'm sorry for disappearing again. and i know i say this a lot. i think i should say instead - thank you for your patience. thank you for waiting. thank you to the many of you for believing in me despite all my failings. i have my reasons, but it doesn't change anything, so i won't expand much, just that mental health is very important. take care of it. it can impact every aspect of your life.
please note fic warnings again. they are: in depth interaction with suicide, depression, homophobia and related issues, bullying, firearms, manipulation, smoking, language, implied sexual situations
i'll put a TL;DR at the end for anyone worried about triggering content.
“Jihoon,”
Jihoon pauses, and then backtracks three steps until he’s standing outside his father’s office in the mansion he’s meant to call home.
“Father,” he greets, managing to hide the surprise in his voice, “I didn’t know you were home.” You never are.
His father offers him a brief second of his gaze, before his eyes go back to his documents. “Come in, close the door.”
Jihoon does as he’s told, wondering what his father could actually want to talk about. They never spoke much at home; not that they were ever both home much, let alone at the same time. He stays just within the door, hands behind his back, and waits.
His father scrawls something across his paper before putting the pen down and leaning back to look at the young man in front of him.
“Why are you standing so far away? Come closer,” his father’s lips quirk a little, as if he’s amused. Jihoon obeys, taking a few steps into the room, until he’s just behind the guest chairs at the desk. He doesn’t take one, continuing to stand.
His father doesn’t comment further about where he stands.
“I told you that we were considering a partnership with Royal Imports,” his father says and Jihoon makes sure to keep his expression and body posture neutral, even though he feels a shiver of fear run through him.
His father regards him for a moment before continuing. “We’ve finalised our talks with them. The deal will go ahead. Your relationship with Park Sora is even more crucial now.” Jihoon knew this would happen but he still had hoped, just a little, for his sake, for Sora’s sake, that it wouldn’t. It looks like his wishing had gone unheard.
“What are the terms?” Jihoon asks, reminding himself that this is business. Everything is business.
His father chuckles, an empty sound in the silent room. “You need not concern yourself with the terms - ”
“If I’m to inherit the company, and lead it to success, then I think it’s crucial for me to know the terms of such a crucial partnership,” Jihoon reasons.
His father’s gaze is like steel.
“If. If you are to inherit the company. You have not proven yourself for that yet. And the terms will not change between now and the day you prove you’re capable. You can know the terms then.”
Jihoon chews the inside of his cheek to bite back any remark he has. Instead, he takes a deep breath, and asks simply, “When?”
When his father hesitates, Jihoon says, “Surely I can know when the partnership is going ahead? Especially if it concerns my relationship with Park Sora.”
His father sighs heavily. Then, “The partnership will be finalised before the end of the financial year, and we’ll announce your engagement with Sora at the same time.”
By the end of the financial year, Jihoon can’t hide the surprise on his face. That was only a few months away.
He only had a few more months of Seungcheol, of freedom.
He swallows thickly. “I see. An implementation next financial year is ideal,” he says.
His father nods. “Your marriage with Sora will be in the early fall. We’ll organise everything once it’s announced.”
Jihoon nods. “Okay. Is there anything else you need from me?”
“No,”
“Then, I’ll take my leave. Goodnight, father,”
Silence is his answer and Jihoon waits a moment before turning and leaving the study. He walks down the silent corridor and into his room, closing the door behind him with a soft click.
Only then does he let the fear wash over him like cold water. A few months away. That time would pass by too quickly.
Jihoon pulls out his phone and only then realises he’s shaking. He sinks to the ground and takes deep breaths in the moonlight, trying desperately to calm down.
It was well past midnight, but he needed to do something about this now. He wouldn’t be able to sleep until he knew he was doing something.
He first texts Seungcheol. He had planned to go to Seungcheol’s apartment after Seungcheol finished at Healing, but he knew seeing Seungcheol would just make him more irrational. He tells Seungcheol something came up and he can’t come by Healing the rest of the week.
Seungcheol’s response is immediate - it’s a whole lot of sad faces and pouting emojis. But he doesn’t question it, doesn’t ask Jihoon to come by anyway, because he knows it often gets suddenly busy with work. Jihoon is once again so grateful to the man he loves.
Once he’s apologised and thanked Seungcheol, he calls Soonyoung. He’s surprised Soonyoung answers, and when he hears the thumping music that is slowly fading in the background, he knows Hoshi is out having fun. But Jihoon rarely calls, and so Soonyoung knows it must be something important.
“Jihoon? Jihoon, what’s wrong?”
Jihoon takes a shaky breath and then says, “The partnership is happening at the end of the financial year. Engagement announced at the same time.”
“Shit,”
“Yep,”
“I’ll be there in ten,”
“Your place,”
“You got it, Woozi,”
“I told you to stop calling me that,”
Soonyoung’s laughter is all he hears as he hangs up, but a small smile blossoms on his face nonetheless. He’s so grateful to Soonyoung.
Jihoon takes a deep breath. He’ll be sure to thank Soonyoung too, but for now, he needs to work out a few things. He puts a jacket back on and sneaks out of the house.
He’s tired the next day, but nothing a few cups of coffee can’t help with. (Sorry, Soonyoung, he thinks every time he refills his cup and thinks coffee is the best friend he could ever have.)
“Jihoon-sshi, you should be leaving for your next meeting with Sky Enterprises. Manager Kim and Bae are about to head downstairs, according to their secretaries,” Raina says, poking her head through the door.
Jihoon nods. “Thanks, Raina-noona,” he says. He takes another swig of his coffee, grabs his folders and laptop and heads out.
“You’ll probably be done for the day when I get back, so I’ll see you tomorrow,” Jihoon says as he leaves. Raina nods and smiles as she waves goodbye to him.
He meets the two other managers in the lobby of the building and they head out toward the street. Sky Enterprises is just a block away, so there was no point trying to take a car and find a park in the centre of the city.
Jihoon is just listening to Manager Bae talk about the latest sales figures when he sees him.
In sneakers, jeans, and a hoodie, Seungcheol sticks out like a sore thumb. He’s holding his phone and looking around at the various high rise buildings around him, confusion on his features.
Before Jihoon can even ask himself why Seungcheol is here, Seungcheol sees him, and it’s devastating, the way Seungcheol’s whole face lights up with a bright smile as he calls out to him.
“Jihoon!”
The managers turn and Jihoon feels fear seize him like a steel hand.
“I’m sorry, excuse me just a moment,” he says, and then hurries over to Seungcheol, who is still grinning brightly.
As soon as he’s within earshot, he hisses out, “Don't touch me”
And the confusion is on Seungcheol’s face again and Jihoon hates to take away that beautiful smile, but there’s too much at stake right now.
“Don't touch me, don't act any more familiar to me than a friend,” he says tightly. “What are you doing here?”
“I - I thought… you were stressed and busy, so I thought I’d come see you instead,” Seungcheol says softly, his eyes round and so vulnerable. But Jihoon is too wired up to notice, and he keeps glancing behind him at the managers who are watching him, heads together, murmuring to each other.
Jihoon tries not to curse. “I have to go, I’m sorry. I just… I can’t be seen with you,” he says tightly, glancing behind him. He misses the way Seungcheol's face freezes and then goes pale.
“I just... I have to go. I'm sorry. I'll come over later, okay?”
And Seungcheol just nods numbly, and after a moment, turns and walks away without another word. Jihoon watches him leave with a sinking feeling in his heart. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and then goes back to the managers.
Jihoon attends his meeting, and goes to dinner with the managers of both companies. He calls Soonyoung when he’s back at the office, and they keep talking about the looming deadline. And then, finally, close to midnight, Jihoon finally finds himself standing outside Seungcheol’s apartment door. He takes a deep breath and knocks.
After a few moments, Seungcheol opens the door with a chain on the door. Jihoon can’t hide his surprise. He didn’t even know Seungcheol’s door had a chain on it.
“Seungcheol?” Jihoon breathes, fear mingling in the air.
Seungcheol’s eye in the gap between the door and the door frame watches him for a long moment. Jihoon steps closer, hands resting on the door and the frame. “Hey, it's just me, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
It takes Seungcheol a long moment of staring at Jihoon, then looking down the corridor, before he nods, just the slightest tilt of a head, and he closes the door to unchain it.
The door swings open slowly and Jihoon steps into the apartment uncertainly, toeing off his shoes as Seungcheol stands a few steps away just… watching him. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t move, even as Jihoon steps up to him - until Jihoon raises a hand to touch his cheek and Seungcheol takes a step back, flinching.
Hurt flashes across Jihoon’s face like a lightning strike, and Seungcheol sees it. But the conflict on his face is what urges Jihoon to step closer again, this time not hesitating, merely lunging forward to wrap his arms around Seungcheol’s torso, holding him tightly.
“I’m sorry,” Jihoon breathes. He doesn’t know what else to say. “I’m sorry,”
For a long moment, Seungcheol is silent and unmoving. Then he moves, slowly, like the cogs of his being are finally beginning to creak into motion again. His arms wrap around Jihoon gently, nose pressed to the top of his head.
“You don’t need to apologize,” he mumbles.
Jihoon’s face emerges from where it was pressed against Seungcheol’s chest. “Then why are you acting like this?” he whispers. “What did I do wrong?”
“You… you didn’t do anything wrong,” Seungcheol says slowly, but he won’t look Jihoon in the eye.
“Seungcheol… talk to me. What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
A soft smile stretches across Seungcheol’s face and his gaze finally flickers to look at Jihoon.
“No, I’m not hurt, baby,” he says, tilting Jihoon’s head up to kiss him gently. Jihoon responds easily, and Seungcheol tries to deepen the kiss, only for Jihoon to pull away.
“Please talk to me, Seungcheol,” he breathes, their lips almost touching.
“It’s… Just some unpleasant memories resurfacing,” Seungcheol murmurs, trying to dismiss it.
“Tell me about them?” Jihoon asks quietly. Seungcheol shakes his head. “Please, Seungcheol? We promised to talk things out, remember?”
And in that moment Seungcheol realises that Jihoon won’t let it go, won’t keep wanting to know Seungcheol. Seungcheol just hopes it won’t make him leave. He sighs, eyes squeezing shut. He pulls Jihoon close to him, holding onto him tightly, chin on Jihoon’s shoulder.
They’re close, warmth radiating off each other, but they can’t see each other’s faces. And it’s only then that Seungcheol speaks.
“I realised I was gay when I was fourteen.”
Jihoon’s body tenses just slightly, but Seungcheol just grips onto him tighter and closes his eyes. The memories play back in his head like watching a bad movie.
“Everyone at school found out when I was fifteen. I didn’t understand why there were so many cold shoulders until I got kicked out of my basketball club because they were worried I’d try something in the change room.”
Jihoon’s gasp is barely audible, but Seungcheol can feel the way he tightens his grip around Seungcheol’s waist. He doesn’t let Jihoon move back, doesn’t let him look him in the face. The only way he can say this is if he doesn’t see Jihoon looking at him.
“I thought that was awful. Then my parents found out.”
Jihoon waits. Seungcheol doesn’t explain, instead he continues.
“At sixteen, I had no family, no home, no one.”
And while it only takes Jihoon a few seconds to understand, he realises he’s far, far too late.
Seungcheol was kicked out of home, by his own parents, for liking boys instead of girls.
And Jihoon today had shown him the same kind of coldness.
Jihoon’s heart shatters in his chest and suddenly he feels like he can’t breathe.
Seungcheol is hushing him and it’s only then that Jihoon realises he’s hyperventilating, and crying, and making strange desperate sounds as he grips onto Seungcheol tightly, hands twisting in his shirt, nails digging into skin.
Jihoon is so sad, he feels like it’s tearing him apart from the inside. He finds himself kneeling on the ground, Seungcheol still holding him, as he wails apologies in his boyfriend’s arms.
All those years, of pain, and sadness, and being so, so alone, and Jihoon had just dug it all up with a few cold words, not even realising. He had done it to save reputation for himself and the company that he didn’t even care about, and in the process had hurt Seungcheol so badly.
Seungcheol holds him close and strokes his hair. He whispers empty soothing words at first, but then just lets Jihoon cry it out, eerily silent.
After a long moment, Jihoon runs out of energy for tears, he just sniffles and coughs and splutters. Seungcheol rubs his back and helps him to his feet so they can get tissues from the kitchen table.
“Can you stay the night?” Seungcheol asks. He doesn’t want to be alone, or for Jihoon to be alone, but he knows there’s too many repercussions if Jihoon doesn’t go home.
He nods. “I said I was staying at Soonyoung’s,” he mumbles and Seungcheol kisses his forehead and pulls him towards the bed, holding him to his chest as he settles them both down on the lumpy mattress.
“Rest,” he murmurs, petting Jihoon’s hair. To his surprise, Jihoon wriggles until they’re facing each other, his expression serious.
“No, I want you to tell me,” he says.
“Tell you what, love?”
Jihoon’s face softens at the affectionate term. He kisses Seungcheol softly. “Tell me everything that happened,” he whispers. “I want to know you, Seungcheol. If you have scars, physical or emotional, I want to know about them, so I can kiss them and remind you that you’re still beautiful anyway,”
Seungcheol’s eyes flicker away. He can’t process the look of love directed at him.
“Scars aren’t beautiful,” he mumbles.
“They’re part of you,” Jihoon answers. He wriggles closer to Seungcheol, legs tangling together under the blanket. He holds Seungcheol’s face in his hands. “Please?”
Seungcheol’s gaze can only be described as pleading. As if to say, don’t make me do this. “They’re ugly,”
Jihoon knows he has to keep pushing forward, even as his stomach twists as he realises that he’s forcing Seungcheol to delve into a past he wants to forget. “Tell me, and let me make that judgement for myself,” he says.
Seungcheol sighs, presses their foreheads together, but keeps his gaze lowered as he speaks.
“I went to stay with an aunt who didn’t mind about my sexuality. She had no children, and she took me in. But she was sick and spending most of her money on my schooling and feeding me. So as soon as I finished school, I left. I couldn’t keep burdening her. I used to send her money whenever I could spare some, but then my parents found out and cut me off. I haven’t heard from her for years.”
“Yejin-noona got in contact with me again around that time, and she got me a job at Healing. She graduated before everyone found out, but after she found out, she only talked to me more. She grew up overseas, so she was always a bit different to everyone else.”
“I really wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for her,” Seungcheol murmurs.
“I guess I have even more to thank Yejin-noona for,” Jihoon whispers. Seungcheol’s gaze flickers to him. Jihoon smiles slightly, eyes crinkling at the edges, even if it’s only a little. “If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have met the Seungcheol that I’m with now,”
Seungcheol smiles softly, before he looks down again.
“Do you want to talk about the rest tonight?” Jihoon asks softly. Seungcheol shakes his head. “Can we talk about it another day?” Seungcheol slowly nods and Jihoon kisses him softly. “Thank you. Thank you for telling me,” he whispers. “And I’m sorry about earlier today,”
“You didn’t know,” Seungcheol whispers.
“That doesn’t make it okay,” Jihoon answers, and he pulls Seungcheol closer to gently kiss his eyelids, the left one, then the right one. “I’m sorry. I won’t make the same mistake again,” he murmurs.
Seungcheol smiles softly in the dim moonlight streaming through his broken blinds. “I forgive you,” he says, and they both know it’s more for Jihoon’s peace than Seungcheol actually being angry, but it seems to clear the air between them. “We should rest,”
“Will you be able to sleep?” Jihoon asks, already yawning.
Seungcheol smiles and kisses his nose. “If you’re next to me, I don’t know,” he waggles his eyebrows, even though his grin isn’t as playful or confident as it usually is.
Jihoon hits his shoulder lightly, but his eyes are already closed and he seems to be already drifting to sleep. “Don’t watch me sleep, that’s creepy,” he mumbles, yawning again. “Please sleep, pretty,”
“I’ll sleep, baby, don’t worry,” Seungcheol kisses his hair, but Jihoon is already in the land of dreams.
Jihoon wakes to the early rays of sun streaming through the window. He’s cocooned in Seungcheol’s embrace, head tucked under Seungcheol’s chin, arms wrapped around each other and legs tangled together in the sheets.
He wriggles enough to be able to look at Seungcheol’s face, bathed in early morning light. He can see the scars of physical injuries, but he can see the way the emotional scars etched their mark on his face too - the haunting dark rings under his eyes, the sallow skin, lips that are pursed tightly, like he’s scared to speak.
Jihoon sighs, fingertips tracing the curve of Seungcheol’s mouth, the line of his jaw. He can’t erase all the pain of Seungcheol’s past, he can’t even promise that everything will be fine from now on, because he knows that kind of prejudice and hatred will never truly disappear. He sighs again, and moves to gently press his lips to Seungcheol’s, a ghost of a kiss on pale lips.
“I feel like we’re star-crossed lovers now,” Jihoon whispers against his lips. “Our situations literally collide and we’re causing this huge inferno just by being together,” he places another soft kiss to the corner of Seungcheol’s mouth. “But I don’t know how to give you up,”
Jihoon buries his face into Seungcheol’s shoulder and feels the older hold him closer in his sleep. “It scares me that I’m willing to watch the world burn as long as I can stay by your side.”
a/n: TL;DR for those worried about triggering content
Jihoon finds out his engagement with Sora will be announced in just a few months
Seungcheol comes to visit him at work, but Jihoon was with managers of the company and tells Seungcheol to leave, because he can't be seen with him
This triggers old, painful memories for Seungcheol - mostly those of when he was a teenager, was kicked out of the basketball team, and kicked out of home by his parents.
Jihoon is upset because he had shown Seungcheol the same kind of coldness
Jihoon apologises, Seungcheol forgives him, though mostly for Jihoon's peace
Jihoon feels like they're causing chaos by being together but admits he doesn't know how to give Seungcheol up.
pairing: s.coups/woozi
genre: angst, romance, friendship
rating: m
warnings: in depth interaction with suicide, depression, homophobia and related issues, bullying, firearms, manipulation, smoking, language, implied sexual situations
wordcount: 3.2k
summary: au. Seungcheol passes the days trying to escape his past and find meaning in the future. Jihoon goes through each day trying to find a reason to live for himself, and not just exist pretending for others. Little do they know, a chance encounter gives them both what they’re searching for, and something more.
a/n: hello hello. i'm sorry for disappearing again. and i know i say this a lot. i think i should say instead - thank you for your patience. thank you for waiting. thank you to the many of you for believing in me despite all my failings. i have my reasons, but it doesn't change anything, so i won't expand much, just that mental health is very important. take care of it. it can impact every aspect of your life.
please note fic warnings again. they are: in depth interaction with suicide, depression, homophobia and related issues, bullying, firearms, manipulation, smoking, language, implied sexual situations
i'll put a TL;DR at the end for anyone worried about triggering content.
“Jihoon,”
Jihoon pauses, and then backtracks three steps until he’s standing outside his father’s office in the mansion he’s meant to call home.
“Father,” he greets, managing to hide the surprise in his voice, “I didn’t know you were home.” You never are.
His father offers him a brief second of his gaze, before his eyes go back to his documents. “Come in, close the door.”
Jihoon does as he’s told, wondering what his father could actually want to talk about. They never spoke much at home; not that they were ever both home much, let alone at the same time. He stays just within the door, hands behind his back, and waits.
His father scrawls something across his paper before putting the pen down and leaning back to look at the young man in front of him.
“Why are you standing so far away? Come closer,” his father’s lips quirk a little, as if he’s amused. Jihoon obeys, taking a few steps into the room, until he’s just behind the guest chairs at the desk. He doesn’t take one, continuing to stand.
His father doesn’t comment further about where he stands.
“I told you that we were considering a partnership with Royal Imports,” his father says and Jihoon makes sure to keep his expression and body posture neutral, even though he feels a shiver of fear run through him.
His father regards him for a moment before continuing. “We’ve finalised our talks with them. The deal will go ahead. Your relationship with Park Sora is even more crucial now.” Jihoon knew this would happen but he still had hoped, just a little, for his sake, for Sora’s sake, that it wouldn’t. It looks like his wishing had gone unheard.
“What are the terms?” Jihoon asks, reminding himself that this is business. Everything is business.
His father chuckles, an empty sound in the silent room. “You need not concern yourself with the terms - ”
“If I’m to inherit the company, and lead it to success, then I think it’s crucial for me to know the terms of such a crucial partnership,” Jihoon reasons.
His father’s gaze is like steel.
“If. If you are to inherit the company. You have not proven yourself for that yet. And the terms will not change between now and the day you prove you’re capable. You can know the terms then.”
Jihoon chews the inside of his cheek to bite back any remark he has. Instead, he takes a deep breath, and asks simply, “When?”
When his father hesitates, Jihoon says, “Surely I can know when the partnership is going ahead? Especially if it concerns my relationship with Park Sora.”
His father sighs heavily. Then, “The partnership will be finalised before the end of the financial year, and we’ll announce your engagement with Sora at the same time.”
By the end of the financial year, Jihoon can’t hide the surprise on his face. That was only a few months away.
He only had a few more months of Seungcheol, of freedom.
He swallows thickly. “I see. An implementation next financial year is ideal,” he says.
His father nods. “Your marriage with Sora will be in the early fall. We’ll organise everything once it’s announced.”
Jihoon nods. “Okay. Is there anything else you need from me?”
“No,”
“Then, I’ll take my leave. Goodnight, father,”
Silence is his answer and Jihoon waits a moment before turning and leaving the study. He walks down the silent corridor and into his room, closing the door behind him with a soft click.
Only then does he let the fear wash over him like cold water. A few months away. That time would pass by too quickly.
Jihoon pulls out his phone and only then realises he’s shaking. He sinks to the ground and takes deep breaths in the moonlight, trying desperately to calm down.
It was well past midnight, but he needed to do something about this now. He wouldn’t be able to sleep until he knew he was doing something.
He first texts Seungcheol. He had planned to go to Seungcheol’s apartment after Seungcheol finished at Healing, but he knew seeing Seungcheol would just make him more irrational. He tells Seungcheol something came up and he can’t come by Healing the rest of the week.
Seungcheol’s response is immediate - it’s a whole lot of sad faces and pouting emojis. But he doesn’t question it, doesn’t ask Jihoon to come by anyway, because he knows it often gets suddenly busy with work. Jihoon is once again so grateful to the man he loves.
Once he’s apologised and thanked Seungcheol, he calls Soonyoung. He’s surprised Soonyoung answers, and when he hears the thumping music that is slowly fading in the background, he knows Hoshi is out having fun. But Jihoon rarely calls, and so Soonyoung knows it must be something important.
“Jihoon? Jihoon, what’s wrong?”
Jihoon takes a shaky breath and then says, “The partnership is happening at the end of the financial year. Engagement announced at the same time.”
“Shit,”
“Yep,”
“I’ll be there in ten,”
“Your place,”
“You got it, Woozi,”
“I told you to stop calling me that,”
Soonyoung’s laughter is all he hears as he hangs up, but a small smile blossoms on his face nonetheless. He’s so grateful to Soonyoung.
Jihoon takes a deep breath. He’ll be sure to thank Soonyoung too, but for now, he needs to work out a few things. He puts a jacket back on and sneaks out of the house.
He’s tired the next day, but nothing a few cups of coffee can’t help with. (Sorry, Soonyoung, he thinks every time he refills his cup and thinks coffee is the best friend he could ever have.)
“Jihoon-sshi, you should be leaving for your next meeting with Sky Enterprises. Manager Kim and Bae are about to head downstairs, according to their secretaries,” Raina says, poking her head through the door.
Jihoon nods. “Thanks, Raina-noona,” he says. He takes another swig of his coffee, grabs his folders and laptop and heads out.
“You’ll probably be done for the day when I get back, so I’ll see you tomorrow,” Jihoon says as he leaves. Raina nods and smiles as she waves goodbye to him.
He meets the two other managers in the lobby of the building and they head out toward the street. Sky Enterprises is just a block away, so there was no point trying to take a car and find a park in the centre of the city.
Jihoon is just listening to Manager Bae talk about the latest sales figures when he sees him.
In sneakers, jeans, and a hoodie, Seungcheol sticks out like a sore thumb. He’s holding his phone and looking around at the various high rise buildings around him, confusion on his features.
Before Jihoon can even ask himself why Seungcheol is here, Seungcheol sees him, and it’s devastating, the way Seungcheol’s whole face lights up with a bright smile as he calls out to him.
“Jihoon!”
The managers turn and Jihoon feels fear seize him like a steel hand.
“I’m sorry, excuse me just a moment,” he says, and then hurries over to Seungcheol, who is still grinning brightly.
As soon as he’s within earshot, he hisses out, “Don't touch me”
And the confusion is on Seungcheol’s face again and Jihoon hates to take away that beautiful smile, but there’s too much at stake right now.
“Don't touch me, don't act any more familiar to me than a friend,” he says tightly. “What are you doing here?”
“I - I thought… you were stressed and busy, so I thought I’d come see you instead,” Seungcheol says softly, his eyes round and so vulnerable. But Jihoon is too wired up to notice, and he keeps glancing behind him at the managers who are watching him, heads together, murmuring to each other.
Jihoon tries not to curse. “I have to go, I’m sorry. I just… I can’t be seen with you,” he says tightly, glancing behind him. He misses the way Seungcheol's face freezes and then goes pale.
“I just... I have to go. I'm sorry. I'll come over later, okay?”
And Seungcheol just nods numbly, and after a moment, turns and walks away without another word. Jihoon watches him leave with a sinking feeling in his heart. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and then goes back to the managers.
Jihoon attends his meeting, and goes to dinner with the managers of both companies. He calls Soonyoung when he’s back at the office, and they keep talking about the looming deadline. And then, finally, close to midnight, Jihoon finally finds himself standing outside Seungcheol’s apartment door. He takes a deep breath and knocks.
After a few moments, Seungcheol opens the door with a chain on the door. Jihoon can’t hide his surprise. He didn’t even know Seungcheol’s door had a chain on it.
“Seungcheol?” Jihoon breathes, fear mingling in the air.
Seungcheol’s eye in the gap between the door and the door frame watches him for a long moment. Jihoon steps closer, hands resting on the door and the frame. “Hey, it's just me, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
It takes Seungcheol a long moment of staring at Jihoon, then looking down the corridor, before he nods, just the slightest tilt of a head, and he closes the door to unchain it.
The door swings open slowly and Jihoon steps into the apartment uncertainly, toeing off his shoes as Seungcheol stands a few steps away just… watching him. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t move, even as Jihoon steps up to him - until Jihoon raises a hand to touch his cheek and Seungcheol takes a step back, flinching.
Hurt flashes across Jihoon’s face like a lightning strike, and Seungcheol sees it. But the conflict on his face is what urges Jihoon to step closer again, this time not hesitating, merely lunging forward to wrap his arms around Seungcheol’s torso, holding him tightly.
“I’m sorry,” Jihoon breathes. He doesn’t know what else to say. “I’m sorry,”
For a long moment, Seungcheol is silent and unmoving. Then he moves, slowly, like the cogs of his being are finally beginning to creak into motion again. His arms wrap around Jihoon gently, nose pressed to the top of his head.
“You don’t need to apologize,” he mumbles.
Jihoon’s face emerges from where it was pressed against Seungcheol’s chest. “Then why are you acting like this?” he whispers. “What did I do wrong?”
“You… you didn’t do anything wrong,” Seungcheol says slowly, but he won’t look Jihoon in the eye.
“Seungcheol… talk to me. What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
A soft smile stretches across Seungcheol’s face and his gaze finally flickers to look at Jihoon.
“No, I’m not hurt, baby,” he says, tilting Jihoon’s head up to kiss him gently. Jihoon responds easily, and Seungcheol tries to deepen the kiss, only for Jihoon to pull away.
“Please talk to me, Seungcheol,” he breathes, their lips almost touching.
“It’s… Just some unpleasant memories resurfacing,” Seungcheol murmurs, trying to dismiss it.
“Tell me about them?” Jihoon asks quietly. Seungcheol shakes his head. “Please, Seungcheol? We promised to talk things out, remember?”
And in that moment Seungcheol realises that Jihoon won’t let it go, won’t keep wanting to know Seungcheol. Seungcheol just hopes it won’t make him leave. He sighs, eyes squeezing shut. He pulls Jihoon close to him, holding onto him tightly, chin on Jihoon’s shoulder.
They’re close, warmth radiating off each other, but they can’t see each other’s faces. And it’s only then that Seungcheol speaks.
“I realised I was gay when I was fourteen.”
Jihoon’s body tenses just slightly, but Seungcheol just grips onto him tighter and closes his eyes. The memories play back in his head like watching a bad movie.
“Everyone at school found out when I was fifteen. I didn’t understand why there were so many cold shoulders until I got kicked out of my basketball club because they were worried I’d try something in the change room.”
Jihoon’s gasp is barely audible, but Seungcheol can feel the way he tightens his grip around Seungcheol’s waist. He doesn’t let Jihoon move back, doesn’t let him look him in the face. The only way he can say this is if he doesn’t see Jihoon looking at him.
“I thought that was awful. Then my parents found out.”
Jihoon waits. Seungcheol doesn’t explain, instead he continues.
“At sixteen, I had no family, no home, no one.”
And while it only takes Jihoon a few seconds to understand, he realises he’s far, far too late.
Seungcheol was kicked out of home, by his own parents, for liking boys instead of girls.
And Jihoon today had shown him the same kind of coldness.
Jihoon’s heart shatters in his chest and suddenly he feels like he can’t breathe.
Seungcheol is hushing him and it’s only then that Jihoon realises he’s hyperventilating, and crying, and making strange desperate sounds as he grips onto Seungcheol tightly, hands twisting in his shirt, nails digging into skin.
Jihoon is so sad, he feels like it’s tearing him apart from the inside. He finds himself kneeling on the ground, Seungcheol still holding him, as he wails apologies in his boyfriend’s arms.
All those years, of pain, and sadness, and being so, so alone, and Jihoon had just dug it all up with a few cold words, not even realising. He had done it to save reputation for himself and the company that he didn’t even care about, and in the process had hurt Seungcheol so badly.
Seungcheol holds him close and strokes his hair. He whispers empty soothing words at first, but then just lets Jihoon cry it out, eerily silent.
After a long moment, Jihoon runs out of energy for tears, he just sniffles and coughs and splutters. Seungcheol rubs his back and helps him to his feet so they can get tissues from the kitchen table.
“Can you stay the night?” Seungcheol asks. He doesn’t want to be alone, or for Jihoon to be alone, but he knows there’s too many repercussions if Jihoon doesn’t go home.
He nods. “I said I was staying at Soonyoung’s,” he mumbles and Seungcheol kisses his forehead and pulls him towards the bed, holding him to his chest as he settles them both down on the lumpy mattress.
“Rest,” he murmurs, petting Jihoon’s hair. To his surprise, Jihoon wriggles until they’re facing each other, his expression serious.
“No, I want you to tell me,” he says.
“Tell you what, love?”
Jihoon’s face softens at the affectionate term. He kisses Seungcheol softly. “Tell me everything that happened,” he whispers. “I want to know you, Seungcheol. If you have scars, physical or emotional, I want to know about them, so I can kiss them and remind you that you’re still beautiful anyway,”
Seungcheol’s eyes flicker away. He can’t process the look of love directed at him.
“Scars aren’t beautiful,” he mumbles.
“They’re part of you,” Jihoon answers. He wriggles closer to Seungcheol, legs tangling together under the blanket. He holds Seungcheol’s face in his hands. “Please?”
Seungcheol’s gaze can only be described as pleading. As if to say, don’t make me do this. “They’re ugly,”
Jihoon knows he has to keep pushing forward, even as his stomach twists as he realises that he’s forcing Seungcheol to delve into a past he wants to forget. “Tell me, and let me make that judgement for myself,” he says.
Seungcheol sighs, presses their foreheads together, but keeps his gaze lowered as he speaks.
“I went to stay with an aunt who didn’t mind about my sexuality. She had no children, and she took me in. But she was sick and spending most of her money on my schooling and feeding me. So as soon as I finished school, I left. I couldn’t keep burdening her. I used to send her money whenever I could spare some, but then my parents found out and cut me off. I haven’t heard from her for years.”
“Yejin-noona got in contact with me again around that time, and she got me a job at Healing. She graduated before everyone found out, but after she found out, she only talked to me more. She grew up overseas, so she was always a bit different to everyone else.”
“I really wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for her,” Seungcheol murmurs.
“I guess I have even more to thank Yejin-noona for,” Jihoon whispers. Seungcheol’s gaze flickers to him. Jihoon smiles slightly, eyes crinkling at the edges, even if it’s only a little. “If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have met the Seungcheol that I’m with now,”
Seungcheol smiles softly, before he looks down again.
“Do you want to talk about the rest tonight?” Jihoon asks softly. Seungcheol shakes his head. “Can we talk about it another day?” Seungcheol slowly nods and Jihoon kisses him softly. “Thank you. Thank you for telling me,” he whispers. “And I’m sorry about earlier today,”
“You didn’t know,” Seungcheol whispers.
“That doesn’t make it okay,” Jihoon answers, and he pulls Seungcheol closer to gently kiss his eyelids, the left one, then the right one. “I’m sorry. I won’t make the same mistake again,” he murmurs.
Seungcheol smiles softly in the dim moonlight streaming through his broken blinds. “I forgive you,” he says, and they both know it’s more for Jihoon’s peace than Seungcheol actually being angry, but it seems to clear the air between them. “We should rest,”
“Will you be able to sleep?” Jihoon asks, already yawning.
Seungcheol smiles and kisses his nose. “If you’re next to me, I don’t know,” he waggles his eyebrows, even though his grin isn’t as playful or confident as it usually is.
Jihoon hits his shoulder lightly, but his eyes are already closed and he seems to be already drifting to sleep. “Don’t watch me sleep, that’s creepy,” he mumbles, yawning again. “Please sleep, pretty,”
“I’ll sleep, baby, don’t worry,” Seungcheol kisses his hair, but Jihoon is already in the land of dreams.
Jihoon wakes to the early rays of sun streaming through the window. He’s cocooned in Seungcheol’s embrace, head tucked under Seungcheol’s chin, arms wrapped around each other and legs tangled together in the sheets.
He wriggles enough to be able to look at Seungcheol’s face, bathed in early morning light. He can see the scars of physical injuries, but he can see the way the emotional scars etched their mark on his face too - the haunting dark rings under his eyes, the sallow skin, lips that are pursed tightly, like he’s scared to speak.
Jihoon sighs, fingertips tracing the curve of Seungcheol’s mouth, the line of his jaw. He can’t erase all the pain of Seungcheol’s past, he can’t even promise that everything will be fine from now on, because he knows that kind of prejudice and hatred will never truly disappear. He sighs again, and moves to gently press his lips to Seungcheol’s, a ghost of a kiss on pale lips.
“I feel like we’re star-crossed lovers now,” Jihoon whispers against his lips. “Our situations literally collide and we’re causing this huge inferno just by being together,” he places another soft kiss to the corner of Seungcheol’s mouth. “But I don’t know how to give you up,”
Jihoon buries his face into Seungcheol’s shoulder and feels the older hold him closer in his sleep. “It scares me that I’m willing to watch the world burn as long as I can stay by your side.”
a/n: TL;DR for those worried about triggering content
Jihoon finds out his engagement with Sora will be announced in just a few months
Seungcheol comes to visit him at work, but Jihoon was with managers of the company and tells Seungcheol to leave, because he can't be seen with him
This triggers old, painful memories for Seungcheol - mostly those of when he was a teenager, was kicked out of the basketball team, and kicked out of home by his parents.
Jihoon is upset because he had shown Seungcheol the same kind of coldness
Jihoon apologises, Seungcheol forgives him, though mostly for Jihoon's peace
Jihoon feels like they're causing chaos by being together but admits he doesn't know how to give Seungcheol up.