we chose each other | s.coups/woozi [22/?]
title: we chose each other [chapter twenty-two]
pairing: s.coups/woozi
genre: angst, romance, friendship
rating: m
warnings: in depth interaction with suicide, depression, homophobia and related issues, bullying, firearms, manipulation, smoking, language, implied sexual situations
wordcount: 5.8k
summary: au. Seungcheol passes the days trying to escape his past and find meaning in the future. Jihoon goes through each day trying to find a reason to live for himself, and not just exist pretending for others. Little do they know, a chance encounter gives them both what they’re searching for, and something more.
a/n: i have to apologize for how long this update took. I hope most of you saw the update I posted on my twitter announcing I had to take a hiatus this year. I wanted to post this update soon after that so that I could point those of you without twitter to the announcement, but I really struggled to have the time to even just proofread this update.
Excuses aside, this is finally here. A long chapter because I didn’t want to split it in half. I will try to get another one out before semester starts again, but I can’t promise anything, unfortunately.
Since it’s been a while - please note the warnings of this fic again. This is the chapter with the most triggering content, so please be aware of it.
Warnings again: in depth interaction with suicide, depression, homophobia and related issues, bullying, firearms, manipulation, smoking, language, implied sexual situations
I’ll also have a TL;DR at the end in case anyone is worried about triggering content.
Seungcheol grabs his jacket and gets ready to close Healing with Yejin.
Jihoon hasn’t messaged him again tonight. Seungcheol knows he’s studying, and sometimes he’s really absorbed in his work, but there’s some part of him that just wants to hear Jihoon’s voice. As Yejin rummages through her bag for the keys to lock up, Seungcheol pulls out his phone and calls Jihoon, hoping he’s not bothering him.
The first call goes through to voicemail. Seungcheol stares at his phone, frowning. Jihoon never misses his phone calls at this time of night - even if he’s busy, he’ll answer to tell Seungcheol he’ll call him or message later, and Seungcheol would drop it. Seungcheol hesitates and wonders if he should call again.
“Just one more time,” he murmurs to himself, before redialling.
This time, Jihoon answers after three rings.
“Hey Jihoonie!” Seungcheol beams. Yejin takes one look at his smile before rolling her eyes, even though there’s a smile on her face. Seungcheol pretends he doesn’t notice it as they step outside and she starts locking the doors behind them.
He can hear Jihoon on the other end, breathing calmly, but there’s no voice answering him, calling his name, or even a tired ‘hey’ in response.
A cold feeling begins to trickle into Seungcheol’s chest. Something’s wrong. “Jihoon?”
Yejin turns around at the change of tone in his voice, face crumpling in confusion.
“Hey,” Jihoon finally speaks, a quiet, faint, resigned exhale.
“Jihoon? Is everything okay?” Seungcheol asks.
Jihoon hums, but there’s something about the tone in his voice that has Seungcheol frowning. “Mmm, yeah, fine,” he says, though he sounds distant, distracted.
“Are you sure?” Seungcheol presses.
Jihoon doesn't answer for a long moment. “Have you…” Jihoon falters, “have you ever lost someone important to you, Seungcheol?” he asks. His voice is soft, and Seungcheol can hear wind around him, even though it’s not that windy tonight.
“I - ” Seungcheol glances at Yejin, face confused. “Well, I … yes, I have I guess,” his mind flashes to his parents for a second, but he doesn’t dwell on it. Right now, he just wants to understand the empty tone of Jihoon’s voice, the weird question, why he feels so uncomfortable hearing Jihoon talk. “Why? Jihoon, what’s wrong?”
“So…. you’ll be okay then….” Jihoon says softly again.
“Jihoon, what are you talking about? Why would I be okay?” Seungcheol grips his phone tightly. Yejin is watching him carefully. Jihoon merely hums softly over the phone.
“I just… was thinking…. If I disappeared…”
“Jihoon!” Seungcheol feels the electric shock of fear flash in his chest. “Jihoon, you can’t disappear! What are you talking about?”
Jihoon is silent while Yejin is clinging onto his other arm tightly. Seungcheol is trying to remember to breathe.
“Seungcheol…” Jihoon’s voice is tiny, “would you be sad if I died?”
Seungcheol feels like the world is tilting, but he forces himself to breathe. He has to focus on Jihoon. For Jihoon.
“Jihoon, don’t - ” he takes a deep shuddering breath. “I would be incredibly, incredibly sad if you died,” his voice shakes, but he pushes on while Yejin looks horrified. “Jihoon… Jihoon, where are you?”
Instead of an answer, Seungcheol can just hear muffled hiccups and Jihoon sniffling.
“Seungcheol, I don’t know what to do,” Jihoon mumbles, hiccuping. “I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live either,”
“Jihoon,” Seungcheol is almost shaking. “Jihoon, please, love, please, tell me where you are,”
A hiccup, a shaky breath and then, Jihoon whispers, “Rooftop of my office,”
Seungcheol is already beginning to run but Yejin grabs his arm and tugs him towards her car. He immediately clambers in, while Yejin starts the engine.
“Jihoon, stay on the line, okay? I’m on my way,” Seungcheol says as Yejin flaps her hand at him to tell her where to go.
“His office rooftop,” Seungcheol says quickly and Yejin immediately sets off. Seungcheol focuses on the call again, where he can hear Jihoon crying.
“Jihoon, breathe. Just breathe, okay?” Seungcheol says as Yejin zooms down streets towards the city centre.
“I just… I don’t know, Seungcheol,” Jihoon is saying and Seungcheol throws Yejin a panicked look. She runs a yellow light, eyes focused straight ahead. “Why am I here? What’s the point of being here, of being alive?”
Seungcheol doesn’t know how to answer, but he knows he can’t leave Jihoon with those thoughts. “Because… because of life! Because of the things that are to come, the things you haven’t experienced yet, because of the people you care about, and the people who care about you,”
“No one cares about me,” Jihoon mumbles.
“I care!” Seungcheol yells and Yejin jumps a little at the sudden loudness of his voice. “I care about you a lot, Jihoon. You’re important to me, don’t you believe that?”
Jihoon sniffles over the phone. “I don’t know,” he whispers. “Part of me does, and part of me doesn’t,”
Seungcheol is trying to keep his cool, to not cry, not now when Jihoon needs him. But listening to Jihoon is breaking him apart from the inside.
“Jihoon, please,” Seungcheol pleads, swiping at the tears that are running down his cheeks, “please believe me when I say I care, when I say you’re important to me, when I say I love you. You make me happy, you make me so, so happy. Please, please believe that,”
Jihoon seems to be crying harder over his words. “I want to believe you, but I don’t know how,” Jihoon chokes out. Yejin brakes to a stop and Seungcheol realises they’ve reached the office. He stumbles out on unsteady feet. He reaches the doors but they don’t open. Of course. The office is closed. Yejin waves from the side, before pointing out the fire staircase against the side of the building and Seungcheol immediately bolts up them.
“Jihoon, love, believe me, okay?” he says as he runs up the flights. Yejin is lagging behind, and Seungcheol hesitates for a moment to check on her. Yejin looks up, and is about to wave him on, but her eyes widen and she points out something to the side. Seungcheol follows her finger to see a small figure sitting on the edge of the rooftop, legs dangling over the edge and he feels fear seize his heart again.
“Seungcheol, go!” she hisses and he runs up faster.
Seungcheol is breathing heavily, but he doesn’t stop speaking as he climbs the stairs. “Jihoon, I’ll tell you everyday, okay? I’ll remind you, how much I love you, how much you mean to me; that you’re important, that I’m here for you. That you should be here, to see the sun rise, and the sun set, see the good things but see the bad things too. To experience it all because that’s what life is about.”
He’s on the sixth floor. Jihoon still looks so far away, so tiny in the luminous lights of the streetlamps. He’s still silent over the phone.
“I’ll cook my infamous pasta for you. The awful one mixed with rice you said was a travesty. Remember? I promised, I'd show you that it's tasty. I want to keep that promise, Jihoon. I want to cook a lot of things for you, Jihoon. I want to do a lot of things with you, make food for you, go travelling with you, be with you, every day,” Seungcheol is panting now. Eleventh floor.
“That sounds like a heavy burden on you,” Jihoon whispers.
“No!” Seungcheol cries, taking a moment to breathe. “No, it’s not a burden for me, Jihoon. I want to do those things. I choose to do these things. I choose to be with you. If it was truly a burden, I wouldn’t choose to do any of it, but I do. I choose you. I will always choose to be with you.”
“Why?” Jihoon asks brokenly over the phone.
Seungcheol feels his heart twist and shatter in his chest, but he doesn’t let himself stop. “Because I love you. Because I want to be with you,” he says. Jihoon sniffles over the phone and Seungcheol pushes himself forward, he has to get up to the roof. He has to get to Jihoon.
“Because you make me smile, you make me laugh, you make me happy,” Seungcheol rasps out. Fifteenth floor. Almost there. “Because I’m curious about you, because you’re full of wit and charm and I keep wanting to know more. Because you’re funny and sarcastic and kind of violent, and so, so beautiful, I feel like I could stare at you all day,”
“Seungcheol…” Jihoon’s voice is tiny and Seungcheol is trying to breathe properly. He feels a cold drop of water drop on his nose. It’s beginning to rain.
“Jihoon, I mean every word. You hear me? You’re important to me,” Seungcheol says. He’s almost there, just two more floors. “I love you, Lee Jihoon, please believe me.” The rain is beginning to fall steadily now. He wipes it from his eyes as he reaches the rooftop.
“Can you let me say that to your face?” he asks as he stands on the top platform. The rain is dripping water into his eyes again, but Seungcheol can see Jihoon turn to look at him. His jacket is getting soaked through, tie loose around his neck.
Jihoon’s face crumples at the sight of him and Seungcheol’s hesitant steps towards him become running steps as he rushes to Jihoon’s side, immediately wrapping his arms around Jihoon tightly.
For a long moment, they just stay there, Seungcheol holding Jihoon almost too tightly, both of them crying as the rain continues to fall around them. Jihoon’s hands are twisted in Seungcheol’s jacket weakly, almost feebly, like he doesn’t have the energy to hold on tighter. Seungcheol is scared that it’s because he just wants to let go, and slip over the edge of the rooftop and fall those twenty floors.
“Baby, please,” Seungcheol whispers when he loosens his grip just the slightest bit, still scared Jihoon will jump. “Please, come away from the edge, okay?”
Jihoon grips his sleeve tightly for a moment before he nods very slowly against Seungcheol’s chest. Seungcheol helps him pull his legs back over the ledge and onto the ground of the rooftop. Seungcheol immediately wraps his arms around him again and sinks to the ground, pulling Jihoon into his lap, knees on either side of Seungcheol’s waist.
Seungcheol buries his face into Jihoon’s neck, whole body shaking, arms wrapped around Jihoon’s torso, like he’s so scared Jihoon will just stand up and climb over the edge again. Jihoon has wrapped his arms around Seungcheol too, but more tired, more exhausted.
“I’m sorry,” Jihoon eventually manages, voice soft and tiny again. Seungcheol makes an indistinguishable squabble of sound as he pulls his head out from Jihoon’s shoulder, before he grabs Jihoon’s face and crashes their lips together, a little too hard.
“I love you, Jihoon,” Seungcheol breathes out, voice strangled and desperate. “I love you, so much. Please believe me,”
Jihoon opens his mouth before something akin to pain flashes in his eyes and he closes it without saying anything, eyes darting to the side. Seungcheol caresses his cheek gently, other arm still wrapped around Jihoon’s waist, holding onto him.
“I want to say I believe you, and I want to… say those words back,” Jihoon says softly, “but I don’t feel like… it would be genuine…”
Seungcheol immediately hushes him, thumb touching his bottom lip before dragging it back to his cheek. His smile is so soft, totally unreserved. “You don’t have to say it, love. I just want to say it. I just want you to know,” Seungcheol murmurs and Jihoon’s gaze lowers away from Seungcheol’s gaze, unsure how to respond to the unbridled affection in his eyes.
Seungcheol guides his face back to look at him and then smiles so gently, Jihoon responds the only way he can think of - he holds Seungcheol’s face with both hands and slowly brings their lips together, kissing Seungcheol almost hesitantly. Seungcheol doesn’t force him further, responding just as softly and Jihoon inhales deeply, smelling the rain drenched ground. One hand moves to tangle in Seungcheol’s dark locks of hair, and Seungcheol’s arm around his waist tightens in its grip for a moment. Jihoon pulls away the slightest bit to breathe before he leans in and captures Seungcheol’s mouth again, kissing him harder, almost desperate as he grips Seungcheol’s hair. Seungcheol responds accordingly, holding him tighter, mouth moving against Jihoon’s in ways that makes his fingers curl in Seungcheol’s hair.
After a long moment, they pull away, resting their foreheads together, ignoring the rain as they breathe in and out together. It becomes almost hypnotic, breathing in, breathing out, processing the feeling of being alive.
Jihoon’s face crumples as he realises he’s alive and not dead, and the uncertainty of whether he’s relieved or not swirls inside him like a tornado, tears beginning anew again. Seungcheol quickly hushes him, whispering half-coherent words of comfort, touch gentle as he caresses Jihoon’s cheek, pushing his wet hair from his face. Jihoon splutters out weak explanations that don’t quite make sense. Seungcheol just continues to hold him close and say “It’s okay,” over and over again.
Once he calms down, hiccuping a few times while Seungcheol kisses his cheek, Jihoon just sits there there, coughing and sniffling a little, mostly just immobilized by the fear and sadness that hold him in its icy grasp. Seungcheol holds him tightly and whispers promises of making everything okay against the skin of his cheek.
They’re interrupted by Yejin stumbling up the final steps onto the rooftop, nearly collapsing as she tries to catch her breath, leaning heavily on her knees.
Jihoon raises his head slightly, eyes going a little wide as he stares at her.
“Yejin...noona…?” he breathes.
Seungcheol smiles. “She came with me, because she was worried about you too,” he murmurs softly. Jihoon turns to look at him, confusion clear in his features. Seungcheol just smiles gently, albeit tiredly, watching as realisation dawns on Jihoon as Yejin finally straightens up, having caught her breath.
The two of them get to their feet as Yejin runs over, immediately smothering Jihoon in a tight hug, tears running down her cheeks, mixing with rain, while Jihoon freezes. At first he just looks surprised, but after a moment, he melts, hugging her back and burying his face into her shoulder.
“You scared me, Jihoonie,” Yejin whimpers, arms around him tightening, “both of us. We were both so worried about you,” she sniffles loudly and Seungcheol can’t help snickering a little.
“Oh shut up, Choi Seungcheol,” she snaps at him between hiccups, continuing to hug Jihoon tightly, still sniffling.
“I’m sorry, noona,” Jihoon’s tiny voice comes out from her jacket. Yejin lets go of him enough to kiss his forehead where his hairline begins, lingering there for a few extra seconds.
Then she gives him a watery smile, moving her hands to hold his cheeks between her palms.
“You’re precious, Jihoonie,” she says, “you’re valuable and wonderful, as you are, and I will remind you of this as often as you need. Don’t apologize, okay?”
Jihoon’s gaze lowers, biting his lower lip as he nods as much as he can between her hands. Yejin smiles tiredly before hugging him again, whispering similar words of comfort again and again.
After a while, Seungcheol asks, “Do I have to ask for my boyfriend back for you to let go of him?”
It breaks the tension a little as Yejin pulls away somewhat reluctantly, giggling a little. Seungcheol immediately steps up beside Jihoon and laces their hands together.
“Let’s go home and out of the rain?” Seungcheol asks. Jihoon stares at the ground.
“I don’t want to go home,” Jihoon mumbles. Seungcheol understands enough to know that the house that Jihoon is meant to call ‘home’ isn’t particularly warm or kind.
Seungcheol just lifts his chin so that their eyes meet, before he smiles. “I didn’t mean there. I’m not letting you go tonight,” he says, leaning over to kiss Jihoon’s cheek.
The words would be sweeter if Jihoon didn’t think it’s because Seungcheol is scared he’ll try again if he leaves Jihoon alone. Jihoon doubts himself too.
He pushes those thoughts out of his head and nods numbly. “Okay,” he says softly.
Yejin lets out a groan. “I only just got up here, and now I have to go all the way down again,” she says and Jihoon glances down at her shoes to see they’re boots with slight heels to them.
“We can take the lift down,” Jihoon says, wiping the rain out of his eyes. He tugs Seungcheol towards the rooftop door and Yejin follows.
“Are you sure, Jihoon?” Seungcheol asks, frowning a little as Jihoon opens the door and leads them inside.
“It’s fine,” Jihoon says, as they take steps down to the top floor, Jihoon pushing the door open easily.
“It’s okay, there’s no one here,” Jihoon says when he sees both of them hesitating to step into the pristine white of the top floor. “The security guard came at midnight and then left for the night, and he told me I was the only one here then,” Jihoon says.
Seungcheol’s grip on his hand tightens at the words. Jihoon knows it’s tied to his displeasure about Jihoon working late, but he pretends he doesn’t notice, just heads towards the lift and presses the button. The doors open immediately - Jihoon was the last person to use it to come to the top floor, after all.
They clamber in, still dripping wet from the rain, and Seungcheol presses for the ground floor.
“My car is in the basement…” Jihoon says.
Seungcheol squeezes his hand. “Then we’ll see noona to her car,” he says softly. Jihoon just nods wordlessly. Yejin smiles and reaches over to takes his other hand in hers.
They reach the ground floor and the lift doors slide open noiselessly. The three of them make their way across the reception, Jihoon wincing a little when their shoes squeak on the pristine tiles. He hopes the cleaner doesn’t get in trouble for the little puddles they’re leaving behind.
Yejin is parked directly in front of the glass doors. Jihoon turns to hug her tightly before she hugs Seungcheol and then he presses the button to open the glass doors.
“Take care of him, Seungcheol-ah,” Yejin says lowly in warning as she walks out the doors.
Seungcheol just smiles, squeezing Jihoon’s hand in his. “Of course, noona,” he says, tugging Jihoon closer to him and pressing a kiss to his rain-drenched hair. Jihoon stares at the ground until they hear the engine start and they wave her off.
Seungcheol turns to him, smile still in place. “Ready to go, love?” he asks gently.
Jihoon swallows what suddenly feels like a peachstone as he nods. “Yeah,” he says, voice sounding a little strangled.
Seungcheol just smiles and kisses his wet hair again. Instead of facing that gentle look, Jihoon turns and leads the way to the carpark, tugging Seungcheol along to the lift.
Seungcheol doesn’t let go of Jihoon’s hand at any point, partly for his own reassurance that Jihoon is still there, still alive, still with them; but also for Jihoon’s reassurance - that Seungcheol is by his side, that Seungcheol isn’t leaving him.
Seungcheol opens the door to his apartment without dropping Jihoon’s hand. The ride had been mostly silent, neither of them quite sure what to say. Seungcheol knew Jihoon wouldn’t want to talk about it, but pretending it didn’t happened and everything was normal and fine was too hard.
“Do you want anything?” Seungcheol asks as he flicks on the light. He turns back to Jihoon when he’s silent. “Jihoonie?” Jihoon’s gaze lifts from the ground, where he’s silently toeing off his shoes, to stare at him. Seungcheol smiles, gaze warm. “Did you want anything? A cup of tea before you sleep?”
“I…. yeah, maybe, that’d be good,” Jihoon says, voice small. Seungcheol smiles and kisses his forehead before tugging him into the kitchen.
He lets go of Jihoon’s hand to grab the kettle and fill it with water, and set it to boil. When he finishes that, he finds Jihoon staring at something on the kitchen bench, totally fixated on it. Seungcheol follows his gaze and finds one of his kitchen knives left out on the kitchen bench, the blade glinting in the room light.
Fear grips Seungcheol like claws around his neck, and he hurriedly moves to Jihoon, standing in front of him and blocking his view.
“Jihoon!”
Jihoon snaps out of his daze and looks up at Seungcheol, eyes wide, expression somewhere between lost and horrified.
Seungcheol’s breathing is shallow. There’s a fear in his chest he can’t quash.
“Jihoon, hey, I’m worried about you,” Seungcheol says quietly, deflating a little, and Jihoon looks away from him, expression full of guilt. Seungcheol is so jarred by everything, he barely thinks through his next words. “What’s going on in that head of yours, love? Let me in, tell me what you’re thinking,”
Jihoon lifts his head to look at him, but Seungcheol witnesses the most heartbreaking thing instead - Jihoon’s whole expression crumbling bit by bit. His mouth purses, trembling, trying to stave off the breakdown as his eyes fill with tears. Jihoon tries to hold them back for a brief second before they spill from the corners of his eyes anyway.
“Oh God, Jihoon,” Seungcheol pulls him close, almost smushing Jihoon’s face to his chest. “Baby, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. Oh gosh, I’m sorry, it’s okay, I’m here, I’m sorry,”
But like a broken dam, Jihoon cries brokenly, apologizing and gripping Seungcheol’s jacket, unravelling in Seungcheol’s arms. Seungcheol continues to apologize and console him, but Jihoon is falling to pieces right in front of him.
Seungcheol hushes him and rocks him on the spot, trying to put Jihoon back together with comforting words and his embrace alone.
After a while, Jihoon calms down enough to pull his face away from Seungcheol’s chest, and Seungcheol hands him tissues to blow his nose as Seungcheol swipes the lingering tears from his cheeks.
“I’m sorry,” Jihoon says immediately, again.
Seungcheol shakes his head. “No, I’m sorry. I just wanted to understand you, to help you, but I didn’t do it right. Now isn’t the right time,”
Jihoon shakes his head, but at what, Seungcheol isn’t sure. “It’s my fault, I’m sorry,” Jihoon keeps apologising and it’s beginning to eat away at Seungcheol.
“You don’t have to apologize, Jihoon, it's not your fault,” he says.
“Everything is my fault,” Jihoon answers.
“No it's not,” Seungcheol says stubbornly, swiping the last smears of tears on Jihoon’s cheeks, “and it's not your fault you think like this either,”
“I'm sorry,” Jihoon apologises again, hands twisting in Seungcheol's shirt.
Seungcheol sighs and pulls Jihoon further away from him and for a moment Jihoon thinks Seungcheol is fed up with him and it's all over and -
Seungcheol gently cradles Jihoon’s face in his hands, caressing his cheeks with his thumbs.
“Do you remember, Jihoonie?” he says quietly and Jihoon’s breath is still shuddering from the aftershocks of crying. “Do you remember when you told me that you didn't pity me? That you were here because you chose to be here?”
Jihoon's gaze lowers to the space between them - anywhere but at Seungcheol who is watching him intently.
Seungcheol tilts his head until he’s in Jihoon’s line of sight, a small smile curling at the edge of his lips when Jihoon looks at him. “I'm here because I want to be. I'm here because I choose to be. I choose to be with you, Jihoon, because I love you.”
Jihoon looks away again, but Seungcheol continues.
“I'm not just saying that, Jihoon. I want you to believe it too. That I love you. That I want to be with you. I want to wake up to your messy hair and bad breath and beautiful smile, to listen to you mumbling to yourself when you're working, and humming when you're happy. I want you to tease me with your snarky jokes and drive me crazy with how stubborn you are. I want to live the way life is meant to be lived, and I want to do it with you.”
Seungcheol gently tilts Jihoon’s head so that he can press his lips to Jihoon’s forehead, breathing gentle words of love against Jihoon’s hairline.
“And I won't leave you. Not unless you genuinely hate me and want me to,” Seungcheol kisses his nose. “I'm here for you, Jihoon, because I choose to be here. I swear it.” and he finishes his promise with a gentle, delicate press to Jihoon’s lips, both of them careful and tentative, pretending they don't notice the tears running down Jihoon's cheeks until he has to pull away for breath. Seungcheol just kisses them away and holds Jihoon closely, rocking him gently like he's a child who needs to be rocked to sleep.
It works, somehow. Later that night, Seungcheol sits against the wall, Jihoon curled up against his chest, dark eyes staring blankly into the dark of the apartment, wondering what his next move should be.
“Will you be okay?” Seungcheol asks, hands still running through Jihoon’s hair, as if he hasn’t been doing it non-stop for the past ten minutes.
Jihoon just hums and presses his face into Seungcheol’s shoulder again, inhaling the scent of freshly laundered clothes, and seeking comfort he can’t gather in the few minutes he has left before he has to leave.
“I have to be,” he murmurs.
“No, you don’t,” Seungcheol replies, “You can take a day off, call in sick. I can too,”
Jihoon shakes his head. “No, too many questions. I’m better off just going in and claiming fatigue,”
Seungcheol makes a face but doesn’t question it, just continues running his hands through Jihoon’s hair and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Okay, but message me throughout the day, okay?”
“Okay,” Jihoon acquiesces and Seungcheol sends him off with a tight hug and a soft kiss.
He lets out a long breath as he watches Jihoon’s car disappear from sight and he gets ready for work. He hopes they’ll be okay.
“Oh, Seungcheol,”
Seungcheol snaps out of his autopilot that he’s been running on all morning. In front of him, Eric is standing at the doorway of the company he’s delivering to. Seungcheol looks at the nameplate and realises it is Eric’s workplace, and he’s been so distracted all morning, he didn’t even realise.
“Hi hyung, sorry, can you sign for this?” Seungcheol says, putting the box down and getting out the device for acknowledging receipt.
“You seem to be thinking,” Eric says as Seungcheol prepares it for Eric’s signature.
“Yeah, you could say that,” Seungcheol chuckles quietly, a little nervously, as Eric signs. He doesn’t know how to say he’s worried his boyfriend is going to try and kill himself when Seungcheol isn’t there. He’s been answering all of Seungcheol’s texts this morning though, so Seungcheol knows he’s still managing through his day, somehow.
“Jihoon?” Eric asks, handing Seungcheol the device back. Seungcheol stares at him a little. “Amy told me what happened last night,” the look in his eyes let Seungcheol know that Yejin went into enough detail for Eric to know what is going on. Eric was to Yejin what Jihoon was to Seungcheol, after all. Seungcheol shouldn’t have been surprised that Yejin sought comfort with Eric after last night.
Seungcheol licks his lips. “Yeah,” he says quietly. “I want to help him, but he doesn’t want me to, he thinks he can solve it all on his own. I don’t really know what to do,” Seungcheol mumbles.
Eric watches him, Seungcheol’s eyes filled with sadness and turmoil. “I see,” Eric murmurs softly.
Seungcheol forces a smile. “Don’t worry, hyung, we’ll work it out,”
Eric just returns the smile hesitantly, waving a little as Seungcheol jogs out of the building.
As Seungcheol’s car drives away, Eric pulls out his phone and scrolls his contact list for a certain person.
“Hey, you’re Jihoon, right?”
Jihoon looks up from his Simple cocktail to see a girl, with short hair and several piercings, smile at him, two seats away. She’s dressed in slacks and a button up shirt, sleeves rolled up to show a tattoo sleeve on her right arm.
“Sorry, do I know you?” Jihoon asks. She doesn’t look like the kind of person who would be part of the upper circle of society, but then again looks are deceiving. He needs to know whether he has to handle company reputation as well as his own.
The girl grins, a little lopsided, a little playful. “Name’s Amber,” she drawls her name out a little, “I’m a friend of Eric and Amy’s.” That explains the slight accent.
Jihoon glances at her again. “You know me?”
“No, I don’t, admittedly, but they asked me to come tonight to talk to you,”
“About what?”
“About the fact you tried to jump off a twenty storey building two days ago,”
Jihoon’s eyes widen and he looks around in panic. He’s lucky Amber’s voice wasn’t too loud, and the bar is humming with noise, but there aren’t any people around them. Jeonghan and Seungcheol are also at the other end of the bar. Jisoo is in the back room.
“Don’t say that so loudly,” Jihoon hisses. Amber looks at him, unfazed.
“Why does it matter? It’s the truth, isn’t it?” she asks, totally calm.
“I - “ Jihoon takes a deep breath and licks his lips. “Well, maybe, but you don’t have to tell everyone.”
Amber regards him again for a long moment. “Who knows about it, and did they find out by accident or because you told them?”
“What are you, my shrink?”
“No, but that’s what they’re hoping for,”
“What?!”
Amber sighs. “Look, Seungcheol is really, really worried about you - and yes I know him, and the situation between you two. Amy and Eric are worried about you too. They don’t want you to fight this battle alone, but you won’t let any of them help.”
“You’re a therapist,” Jihoon states more than asks.
“Not by profession, but technically yes,”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I studied it, took the licence exam, passed with flying colours, am a fully qualified psychologist, but I work as a florist with my dumb boyfriend,”
Jihoon gapes at her, not quite sure what to say. Amber just shifts in her seat and regards him calmly. “I’ll ask again, Jihoon: who knows what happened, and did they find out by accident or because you told them?”
Jihoon opens his mouth but instead of an answer, he just feels all the breath leave him. His heart is racing in his chest, but not like when Seungcheol kisses him, more like when he wakes up from nightmares, heart feeling like it’s going to leap out of his chest. His vision is getting blurry and he’s trying to breathe but it’s only coming out in short gasps and he feels like the world is closing in on him. A warm hand wraps around his forearm and a voice reminds him to breathe - in and out, in and out - and he follows what it tells him to do, until his vision is no longer shrinking from the edges.
He glances up to see Amber by his side, hand around his arm, but otherwise still not too close.
She searches his eyes. “Do you have panic attacks a lot?” she asks quietly. Jihoon shakes his head.
“Only when I think of…” he trails off. Amber understands.
She licks her lips and glances around her and Jihoon follows her gaze - their conversation is as private as it can be in a public bar, separate from the other customers and not attended to by any bartenders.
“I can’t force you to accept my help. It’s a two way street, Jihoon, you have to want to face this head on, or it won’t work,” she says quietly. “But I can tell you this - it’s not your fault or a weakness if you need to talk to someone - whether it’s me or Seungcheol, or anyone else.”
She pulls out a piece of paper from her pocket. It’s got her name and a phone number. “If you want to talk, about anything, you can contact me. We don’t have to do anything formal, and it can be here, or wherever. You don’t even have to talk to me, it can be Seungcheol, but the point is that you don’t try to fight this alone,” she says. “It’s not a matter of whether you’re strong enough - you are. You’re just stronger when you have help, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“But whatever you decide, remember this, Jihoon: it’s not just you that your life affects,” she murmurs. “There are other people around you who interact with you, and they want to help you,” she looks him in the eye; and later, Jihoon will say this is his favourite part about Amber - she always looks you in the eye, because she sees you for you.
“The question isn’t ‘do you want help’? It’s ‘do you want to let other people try to help you, while you help yourself’?”
After Amber leaves, Seungcheol comes by and asks what Amber wanted. Jihoon doesn’t answer immediately, not quite sure whether he should tell, but Seungcheol grips his hand and says it’s okay, and starts talking about some new dish Jeonghan was telling him about that he wants to try cooking. Jihoon knows he’s just trying to be a distraction, to give Jihoon something else to think about, but he also knows it’s hard for him. A forced kind of cheeriness to help Jihoon not think of his own sadness that clings like an overhanging curtain.
“She just wanted to talk to me,” Jihoon says quietly. Seungcheol falters in his spiel of almost nonsense as he runs out of things to say, and smiles gently.
“She’s nice, even if she’s a little strange,” Seungcheol says. Jihoon merely nods - he can agree with that description, even if only having just met her.
At the other end of the bar, Jeonghan looks like he’s got a few customers seeking his service, so Seungcheol squeezes Jihoon’s hand tightly and offers a resigned, soft smile, before heading over to help Jeonghan.
Jihoon watches him for a moment, thinking of Seungcheol’s strained cheerfulness, and pulls out his phone and the piece of paper with Amber’s number from his pocket.
I’d like your help.
a/n: TL;DR for those worried about triggering content: Jihoon is considering suicide, sitting on the edge of his office rooftop. Seungcheol gets to him in time and tells him he cares, and chooses to be with Jihoon. He and Yejin reassure Jihoon that is loved and cared for, and then go down the lifts to leave. At Seungcheol’s apartment, Jihoon becomes fixated with a kitchen knife and Seungcheol asks Jihoon what he’s thinking about, and Jihoon breaks down because he doesn’t want Seungcheol to understand the dark thoughts in his head. Eric calls Amber, a friend and trained psychologist, who speaks to Jihoon at the bar and tells him that she can help, but only if he is also willing - he has to want to get better. Jihoon messages Amber and says he’d like her help.
Also a quick disclaimer that I don’t claim to know all these issues in detail or the best ways to deal with them. I don’t mean to romanticize these issues through the relationship between Seungcheol and Jihoon, and that’s why I introduced Amber, to show that sometimes you need other people to intervene and help. Sometimes it can be a romantic partner, but sometimes it isn’t.
If you’re worried about any of this content, or think you need any help, please reach out to those who care about you and you feel comfortable talking to. If you feel alone, please remember that storms pass, that even the darkest nights turn into morning, and you have made it this far, and I - and many others who care about you - believe in you, that you can make it through this too.
pairing: s.coups/woozi
genre: angst, romance, friendship
rating: m
warnings: in depth interaction with suicide, depression, homophobia and related issues, bullying, firearms, manipulation, smoking, language, implied sexual situations
wordcount: 5.8k
summary: au. Seungcheol passes the days trying to escape his past and find meaning in the future. Jihoon goes through each day trying to find a reason to live for himself, and not just exist pretending for others. Little do they know, a chance encounter gives them both what they’re searching for, and something more.
a/n: i have to apologize for how long this update took. I hope most of you saw the update I posted on my twitter announcing I had to take a hiatus this year. I wanted to post this update soon after that so that I could point those of you without twitter to the announcement, but I really struggled to have the time to even just proofread this update.
Excuses aside, this is finally here. A long chapter because I didn’t want to split it in half. I will try to get another one out before semester starts again, but I can’t promise anything, unfortunately.
Since it’s been a while - please note the warnings of this fic again. This is the chapter with the most triggering content, so please be aware of it.
Warnings again: in depth interaction with suicide, depression, homophobia and related issues, bullying, firearms, manipulation, smoking, language, implied sexual situations
I’ll also have a TL;DR at the end in case anyone is worried about triggering content.
Seungcheol grabs his jacket and gets ready to close Healing with Yejin.
Jihoon hasn’t messaged him again tonight. Seungcheol knows he’s studying, and sometimes he’s really absorbed in his work, but there’s some part of him that just wants to hear Jihoon’s voice. As Yejin rummages through her bag for the keys to lock up, Seungcheol pulls out his phone and calls Jihoon, hoping he’s not bothering him.
The first call goes through to voicemail. Seungcheol stares at his phone, frowning. Jihoon never misses his phone calls at this time of night - even if he’s busy, he’ll answer to tell Seungcheol he’ll call him or message later, and Seungcheol would drop it. Seungcheol hesitates and wonders if he should call again.
“Just one more time,” he murmurs to himself, before redialling.
This time, Jihoon answers after three rings.
“Hey Jihoonie!” Seungcheol beams. Yejin takes one look at his smile before rolling her eyes, even though there’s a smile on her face. Seungcheol pretends he doesn’t notice it as they step outside and she starts locking the doors behind them.
He can hear Jihoon on the other end, breathing calmly, but there’s no voice answering him, calling his name, or even a tired ‘hey’ in response.
A cold feeling begins to trickle into Seungcheol’s chest. Something’s wrong. “Jihoon?”
Yejin turns around at the change of tone in his voice, face crumpling in confusion.
“Hey,” Jihoon finally speaks, a quiet, faint, resigned exhale.
“Jihoon? Is everything okay?” Seungcheol asks.
Jihoon hums, but there’s something about the tone in his voice that has Seungcheol frowning. “Mmm, yeah, fine,” he says, though he sounds distant, distracted.
“Are you sure?” Seungcheol presses.
Jihoon doesn't answer for a long moment. “Have you…” Jihoon falters, “have you ever lost someone important to you, Seungcheol?” he asks. His voice is soft, and Seungcheol can hear wind around him, even though it’s not that windy tonight.
“I - ” Seungcheol glances at Yejin, face confused. “Well, I … yes, I have I guess,” his mind flashes to his parents for a second, but he doesn’t dwell on it. Right now, he just wants to understand the empty tone of Jihoon’s voice, the weird question, why he feels so uncomfortable hearing Jihoon talk. “Why? Jihoon, what’s wrong?”
“So…. you’ll be okay then….” Jihoon says softly again.
“Jihoon, what are you talking about? Why would I be okay?” Seungcheol grips his phone tightly. Yejin is watching him carefully. Jihoon merely hums softly over the phone.
“I just… was thinking…. If I disappeared…”
“Jihoon!” Seungcheol feels the electric shock of fear flash in his chest. “Jihoon, you can’t disappear! What are you talking about?”
Jihoon is silent while Yejin is clinging onto his other arm tightly. Seungcheol is trying to remember to breathe.
“Seungcheol…” Jihoon’s voice is tiny, “would you be sad if I died?”
Seungcheol feels like the world is tilting, but he forces himself to breathe. He has to focus on Jihoon. For Jihoon.
“Jihoon, don’t - ” he takes a deep shuddering breath. “I would be incredibly, incredibly sad if you died,” his voice shakes, but he pushes on while Yejin looks horrified. “Jihoon… Jihoon, where are you?”
Instead of an answer, Seungcheol can just hear muffled hiccups and Jihoon sniffling.
“Seungcheol, I don’t know what to do,” Jihoon mumbles, hiccuping. “I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live either,”
“Jihoon,” Seungcheol is almost shaking. “Jihoon, please, love, please, tell me where you are,”
A hiccup, a shaky breath and then, Jihoon whispers, “Rooftop of my office,”
Seungcheol is already beginning to run but Yejin grabs his arm and tugs him towards her car. He immediately clambers in, while Yejin starts the engine.
“Jihoon, stay on the line, okay? I’m on my way,” Seungcheol says as Yejin flaps her hand at him to tell her where to go.
“His office rooftop,” Seungcheol says quickly and Yejin immediately sets off. Seungcheol focuses on the call again, where he can hear Jihoon crying.
“Jihoon, breathe. Just breathe, okay?” Seungcheol says as Yejin zooms down streets towards the city centre.
“I just… I don’t know, Seungcheol,” Jihoon is saying and Seungcheol throws Yejin a panicked look. She runs a yellow light, eyes focused straight ahead. “Why am I here? What’s the point of being here, of being alive?”
Seungcheol doesn’t know how to answer, but he knows he can’t leave Jihoon with those thoughts. “Because… because of life! Because of the things that are to come, the things you haven’t experienced yet, because of the people you care about, and the people who care about you,”
“No one cares about me,” Jihoon mumbles.
“I care!” Seungcheol yells and Yejin jumps a little at the sudden loudness of his voice. “I care about you a lot, Jihoon. You’re important to me, don’t you believe that?”
Jihoon sniffles over the phone. “I don’t know,” he whispers. “Part of me does, and part of me doesn’t,”
Seungcheol is trying to keep his cool, to not cry, not now when Jihoon needs him. But listening to Jihoon is breaking him apart from the inside.
“Jihoon, please,” Seungcheol pleads, swiping at the tears that are running down his cheeks, “please believe me when I say I care, when I say you’re important to me, when I say I love you. You make me happy, you make me so, so happy. Please, please believe that,”
Jihoon seems to be crying harder over his words. “I want to believe you, but I don’t know how,” Jihoon chokes out. Yejin brakes to a stop and Seungcheol realises they’ve reached the office. He stumbles out on unsteady feet. He reaches the doors but they don’t open. Of course. The office is closed. Yejin waves from the side, before pointing out the fire staircase against the side of the building and Seungcheol immediately bolts up them.
“Jihoon, love, believe me, okay?” he says as he runs up the flights. Yejin is lagging behind, and Seungcheol hesitates for a moment to check on her. Yejin looks up, and is about to wave him on, but her eyes widen and she points out something to the side. Seungcheol follows her finger to see a small figure sitting on the edge of the rooftop, legs dangling over the edge and he feels fear seize his heart again.
“Seungcheol, go!” she hisses and he runs up faster.
Seungcheol is breathing heavily, but he doesn’t stop speaking as he climbs the stairs. “Jihoon, I’ll tell you everyday, okay? I’ll remind you, how much I love you, how much you mean to me; that you’re important, that I’m here for you. That you should be here, to see the sun rise, and the sun set, see the good things but see the bad things too. To experience it all because that’s what life is about.”
He’s on the sixth floor. Jihoon still looks so far away, so tiny in the luminous lights of the streetlamps. He’s still silent over the phone.
“I’ll cook my infamous pasta for you. The awful one mixed with rice you said was a travesty. Remember? I promised, I'd show you that it's tasty. I want to keep that promise, Jihoon. I want to cook a lot of things for you, Jihoon. I want to do a lot of things with you, make food for you, go travelling with you, be with you, every day,” Seungcheol is panting now. Eleventh floor.
“That sounds like a heavy burden on you,” Jihoon whispers.
“No!” Seungcheol cries, taking a moment to breathe. “No, it’s not a burden for me, Jihoon. I want to do those things. I choose to do these things. I choose to be with you. If it was truly a burden, I wouldn’t choose to do any of it, but I do. I choose you. I will always choose to be with you.”
“Why?” Jihoon asks brokenly over the phone.
Seungcheol feels his heart twist and shatter in his chest, but he doesn’t let himself stop. “Because I love you. Because I want to be with you,” he says. Jihoon sniffles over the phone and Seungcheol pushes himself forward, he has to get up to the roof. He has to get to Jihoon.
“Because you make me smile, you make me laugh, you make me happy,” Seungcheol rasps out. Fifteenth floor. Almost there. “Because I’m curious about you, because you’re full of wit and charm and I keep wanting to know more. Because you’re funny and sarcastic and kind of violent, and so, so beautiful, I feel like I could stare at you all day,”
“Seungcheol…” Jihoon’s voice is tiny and Seungcheol is trying to breathe properly. He feels a cold drop of water drop on his nose. It’s beginning to rain.
“Jihoon, I mean every word. You hear me? You’re important to me,” Seungcheol says. He’s almost there, just two more floors. “I love you, Lee Jihoon, please believe me.” The rain is beginning to fall steadily now. He wipes it from his eyes as he reaches the rooftop.
“Can you let me say that to your face?” he asks as he stands on the top platform. The rain is dripping water into his eyes again, but Seungcheol can see Jihoon turn to look at him. His jacket is getting soaked through, tie loose around his neck.
Jihoon’s face crumples at the sight of him and Seungcheol’s hesitant steps towards him become running steps as he rushes to Jihoon’s side, immediately wrapping his arms around Jihoon tightly.
For a long moment, they just stay there, Seungcheol holding Jihoon almost too tightly, both of them crying as the rain continues to fall around them. Jihoon’s hands are twisted in Seungcheol’s jacket weakly, almost feebly, like he doesn’t have the energy to hold on tighter. Seungcheol is scared that it’s because he just wants to let go, and slip over the edge of the rooftop and fall those twenty floors.
“Baby, please,” Seungcheol whispers when he loosens his grip just the slightest bit, still scared Jihoon will jump. “Please, come away from the edge, okay?”
Jihoon grips his sleeve tightly for a moment before he nods very slowly against Seungcheol’s chest. Seungcheol helps him pull his legs back over the ledge and onto the ground of the rooftop. Seungcheol immediately wraps his arms around him again and sinks to the ground, pulling Jihoon into his lap, knees on either side of Seungcheol’s waist.
Seungcheol buries his face into Jihoon’s neck, whole body shaking, arms wrapped around Jihoon’s torso, like he’s so scared Jihoon will just stand up and climb over the edge again. Jihoon has wrapped his arms around Seungcheol too, but more tired, more exhausted.
“I’m sorry,” Jihoon eventually manages, voice soft and tiny again. Seungcheol makes an indistinguishable squabble of sound as he pulls his head out from Jihoon’s shoulder, before he grabs Jihoon’s face and crashes their lips together, a little too hard.
“I love you, Jihoon,” Seungcheol breathes out, voice strangled and desperate. “I love you, so much. Please believe me,”
Jihoon opens his mouth before something akin to pain flashes in his eyes and he closes it without saying anything, eyes darting to the side. Seungcheol caresses his cheek gently, other arm still wrapped around Jihoon’s waist, holding onto him.
“I want to say I believe you, and I want to… say those words back,” Jihoon says softly, “but I don’t feel like… it would be genuine…”
Seungcheol immediately hushes him, thumb touching his bottom lip before dragging it back to his cheek. His smile is so soft, totally unreserved. “You don’t have to say it, love. I just want to say it. I just want you to know,” Seungcheol murmurs and Jihoon’s gaze lowers away from Seungcheol’s gaze, unsure how to respond to the unbridled affection in his eyes.
Seungcheol guides his face back to look at him and then smiles so gently, Jihoon responds the only way he can think of - he holds Seungcheol’s face with both hands and slowly brings their lips together, kissing Seungcheol almost hesitantly. Seungcheol doesn’t force him further, responding just as softly and Jihoon inhales deeply, smelling the rain drenched ground. One hand moves to tangle in Seungcheol’s dark locks of hair, and Seungcheol’s arm around his waist tightens in its grip for a moment. Jihoon pulls away the slightest bit to breathe before he leans in and captures Seungcheol’s mouth again, kissing him harder, almost desperate as he grips Seungcheol’s hair. Seungcheol responds accordingly, holding him tighter, mouth moving against Jihoon’s in ways that makes his fingers curl in Seungcheol’s hair.
After a long moment, they pull away, resting their foreheads together, ignoring the rain as they breathe in and out together. It becomes almost hypnotic, breathing in, breathing out, processing the feeling of being alive.
Jihoon’s face crumples as he realises he’s alive and not dead, and the uncertainty of whether he’s relieved or not swirls inside him like a tornado, tears beginning anew again. Seungcheol quickly hushes him, whispering half-coherent words of comfort, touch gentle as he caresses Jihoon’s cheek, pushing his wet hair from his face. Jihoon splutters out weak explanations that don’t quite make sense. Seungcheol just continues to hold him close and say “It’s okay,” over and over again.
Once he calms down, hiccuping a few times while Seungcheol kisses his cheek, Jihoon just sits there there, coughing and sniffling a little, mostly just immobilized by the fear and sadness that hold him in its icy grasp. Seungcheol holds him tightly and whispers promises of making everything okay against the skin of his cheek.
They’re interrupted by Yejin stumbling up the final steps onto the rooftop, nearly collapsing as she tries to catch her breath, leaning heavily on her knees.
Jihoon raises his head slightly, eyes going a little wide as he stares at her.
“Yejin...noona…?” he breathes.
Seungcheol smiles. “She came with me, because she was worried about you too,” he murmurs softly. Jihoon turns to look at him, confusion clear in his features. Seungcheol just smiles gently, albeit tiredly, watching as realisation dawns on Jihoon as Yejin finally straightens up, having caught her breath.
The two of them get to their feet as Yejin runs over, immediately smothering Jihoon in a tight hug, tears running down her cheeks, mixing with rain, while Jihoon freezes. At first he just looks surprised, but after a moment, he melts, hugging her back and burying his face into her shoulder.
“You scared me, Jihoonie,” Yejin whimpers, arms around him tightening, “both of us. We were both so worried about you,” she sniffles loudly and Seungcheol can’t help snickering a little.
“Oh shut up, Choi Seungcheol,” she snaps at him between hiccups, continuing to hug Jihoon tightly, still sniffling.
“I’m sorry, noona,” Jihoon’s tiny voice comes out from her jacket. Yejin lets go of him enough to kiss his forehead where his hairline begins, lingering there for a few extra seconds.
Then she gives him a watery smile, moving her hands to hold his cheeks between her palms.
“You’re precious, Jihoonie,” she says, “you’re valuable and wonderful, as you are, and I will remind you of this as often as you need. Don’t apologize, okay?”
Jihoon’s gaze lowers, biting his lower lip as he nods as much as he can between her hands. Yejin smiles tiredly before hugging him again, whispering similar words of comfort again and again.
After a while, Seungcheol asks, “Do I have to ask for my boyfriend back for you to let go of him?”
It breaks the tension a little as Yejin pulls away somewhat reluctantly, giggling a little. Seungcheol immediately steps up beside Jihoon and laces their hands together.
“Let’s go home and out of the rain?” Seungcheol asks. Jihoon stares at the ground.
“I don’t want to go home,” Jihoon mumbles. Seungcheol understands enough to know that the house that Jihoon is meant to call ‘home’ isn’t particularly warm or kind.
Seungcheol just lifts his chin so that their eyes meet, before he smiles. “I didn’t mean there. I’m not letting you go tonight,” he says, leaning over to kiss Jihoon’s cheek.
The words would be sweeter if Jihoon didn’t think it’s because Seungcheol is scared he’ll try again if he leaves Jihoon alone. Jihoon doubts himself too.
He pushes those thoughts out of his head and nods numbly. “Okay,” he says softly.
Yejin lets out a groan. “I only just got up here, and now I have to go all the way down again,” she says and Jihoon glances down at her shoes to see they’re boots with slight heels to them.
“We can take the lift down,” Jihoon says, wiping the rain out of his eyes. He tugs Seungcheol towards the rooftop door and Yejin follows.
“Are you sure, Jihoon?” Seungcheol asks, frowning a little as Jihoon opens the door and leads them inside.
“It’s fine,” Jihoon says, as they take steps down to the top floor, Jihoon pushing the door open easily.
“It’s okay, there’s no one here,” Jihoon says when he sees both of them hesitating to step into the pristine white of the top floor. “The security guard came at midnight and then left for the night, and he told me I was the only one here then,” Jihoon says.
Seungcheol’s grip on his hand tightens at the words. Jihoon knows it’s tied to his displeasure about Jihoon working late, but he pretends he doesn’t notice, just heads towards the lift and presses the button. The doors open immediately - Jihoon was the last person to use it to come to the top floor, after all.
They clamber in, still dripping wet from the rain, and Seungcheol presses for the ground floor.
“My car is in the basement…” Jihoon says.
Seungcheol squeezes his hand. “Then we’ll see noona to her car,” he says softly. Jihoon just nods wordlessly. Yejin smiles and reaches over to takes his other hand in hers.
They reach the ground floor and the lift doors slide open noiselessly. The three of them make their way across the reception, Jihoon wincing a little when their shoes squeak on the pristine tiles. He hopes the cleaner doesn’t get in trouble for the little puddles they’re leaving behind.
Yejin is parked directly in front of the glass doors. Jihoon turns to hug her tightly before she hugs Seungcheol and then he presses the button to open the glass doors.
“Take care of him, Seungcheol-ah,” Yejin says lowly in warning as she walks out the doors.
Seungcheol just smiles, squeezing Jihoon’s hand in his. “Of course, noona,” he says, tugging Jihoon closer to him and pressing a kiss to his rain-drenched hair. Jihoon stares at the ground until they hear the engine start and they wave her off.
Seungcheol turns to him, smile still in place. “Ready to go, love?” he asks gently.
Jihoon swallows what suddenly feels like a peachstone as he nods. “Yeah,” he says, voice sounding a little strangled.
Seungcheol just smiles and kisses his wet hair again. Instead of facing that gentle look, Jihoon turns and leads the way to the carpark, tugging Seungcheol along to the lift.
Seungcheol doesn’t let go of Jihoon’s hand at any point, partly for his own reassurance that Jihoon is still there, still alive, still with them; but also for Jihoon’s reassurance - that Seungcheol is by his side, that Seungcheol isn’t leaving him.
Seungcheol opens the door to his apartment without dropping Jihoon’s hand. The ride had been mostly silent, neither of them quite sure what to say. Seungcheol knew Jihoon wouldn’t want to talk about it, but pretending it didn’t happened and everything was normal and fine was too hard.
“Do you want anything?” Seungcheol asks as he flicks on the light. He turns back to Jihoon when he’s silent. “Jihoonie?” Jihoon’s gaze lifts from the ground, where he’s silently toeing off his shoes, to stare at him. Seungcheol smiles, gaze warm. “Did you want anything? A cup of tea before you sleep?”
“I…. yeah, maybe, that’d be good,” Jihoon says, voice small. Seungcheol smiles and kisses his forehead before tugging him into the kitchen.
He lets go of Jihoon’s hand to grab the kettle and fill it with water, and set it to boil. When he finishes that, he finds Jihoon staring at something on the kitchen bench, totally fixated on it. Seungcheol follows his gaze and finds one of his kitchen knives left out on the kitchen bench, the blade glinting in the room light.
Fear grips Seungcheol like claws around his neck, and he hurriedly moves to Jihoon, standing in front of him and blocking his view.
“Jihoon!”
Jihoon snaps out of his daze and looks up at Seungcheol, eyes wide, expression somewhere between lost and horrified.
Seungcheol’s breathing is shallow. There’s a fear in his chest he can’t quash.
“Jihoon, hey, I’m worried about you,” Seungcheol says quietly, deflating a little, and Jihoon looks away from him, expression full of guilt. Seungcheol is so jarred by everything, he barely thinks through his next words. “What’s going on in that head of yours, love? Let me in, tell me what you’re thinking,”
Jihoon lifts his head to look at him, but Seungcheol witnesses the most heartbreaking thing instead - Jihoon’s whole expression crumbling bit by bit. His mouth purses, trembling, trying to stave off the breakdown as his eyes fill with tears. Jihoon tries to hold them back for a brief second before they spill from the corners of his eyes anyway.
“Oh God, Jihoon,” Seungcheol pulls him close, almost smushing Jihoon’s face to his chest. “Baby, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. Oh gosh, I’m sorry, it’s okay, I’m here, I’m sorry,”
But like a broken dam, Jihoon cries brokenly, apologizing and gripping Seungcheol’s jacket, unravelling in Seungcheol’s arms. Seungcheol continues to apologize and console him, but Jihoon is falling to pieces right in front of him.
Seungcheol hushes him and rocks him on the spot, trying to put Jihoon back together with comforting words and his embrace alone.
After a while, Jihoon calms down enough to pull his face away from Seungcheol’s chest, and Seungcheol hands him tissues to blow his nose as Seungcheol swipes the lingering tears from his cheeks.
“I’m sorry,” Jihoon says immediately, again.
Seungcheol shakes his head. “No, I’m sorry. I just wanted to understand you, to help you, but I didn’t do it right. Now isn’t the right time,”
Jihoon shakes his head, but at what, Seungcheol isn’t sure. “It’s my fault, I’m sorry,” Jihoon keeps apologising and it’s beginning to eat away at Seungcheol.
“You don’t have to apologize, Jihoon, it's not your fault,” he says.
“Everything is my fault,” Jihoon answers.
“No it's not,” Seungcheol says stubbornly, swiping the last smears of tears on Jihoon’s cheeks, “and it's not your fault you think like this either,”
“I'm sorry,” Jihoon apologises again, hands twisting in Seungcheol's shirt.
Seungcheol sighs and pulls Jihoon further away from him and for a moment Jihoon thinks Seungcheol is fed up with him and it's all over and -
Seungcheol gently cradles Jihoon’s face in his hands, caressing his cheeks with his thumbs.
“Do you remember, Jihoonie?” he says quietly and Jihoon’s breath is still shuddering from the aftershocks of crying. “Do you remember when you told me that you didn't pity me? That you were here because you chose to be here?”
Jihoon's gaze lowers to the space between them - anywhere but at Seungcheol who is watching him intently.
Seungcheol tilts his head until he’s in Jihoon’s line of sight, a small smile curling at the edge of his lips when Jihoon looks at him. “I'm here because I want to be. I'm here because I choose to be. I choose to be with you, Jihoon, because I love you.”
Jihoon looks away again, but Seungcheol continues.
“I'm not just saying that, Jihoon. I want you to believe it too. That I love you. That I want to be with you. I want to wake up to your messy hair and bad breath and beautiful smile, to listen to you mumbling to yourself when you're working, and humming when you're happy. I want you to tease me with your snarky jokes and drive me crazy with how stubborn you are. I want to live the way life is meant to be lived, and I want to do it with you.”
Seungcheol gently tilts Jihoon’s head so that he can press his lips to Jihoon’s forehead, breathing gentle words of love against Jihoon’s hairline.
“And I won't leave you. Not unless you genuinely hate me and want me to,” Seungcheol kisses his nose. “I'm here for you, Jihoon, because I choose to be here. I swear it.” and he finishes his promise with a gentle, delicate press to Jihoon’s lips, both of them careful and tentative, pretending they don't notice the tears running down Jihoon's cheeks until he has to pull away for breath. Seungcheol just kisses them away and holds Jihoon closely, rocking him gently like he's a child who needs to be rocked to sleep.
It works, somehow. Later that night, Seungcheol sits against the wall, Jihoon curled up against his chest, dark eyes staring blankly into the dark of the apartment, wondering what his next move should be.
“Will you be okay?” Seungcheol asks, hands still running through Jihoon’s hair, as if he hasn’t been doing it non-stop for the past ten minutes.
Jihoon just hums and presses his face into Seungcheol’s shoulder again, inhaling the scent of freshly laundered clothes, and seeking comfort he can’t gather in the few minutes he has left before he has to leave.
“I have to be,” he murmurs.
“No, you don’t,” Seungcheol replies, “You can take a day off, call in sick. I can too,”
Jihoon shakes his head. “No, too many questions. I’m better off just going in and claiming fatigue,”
Seungcheol makes a face but doesn’t question it, just continues running his hands through Jihoon’s hair and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Okay, but message me throughout the day, okay?”
“Okay,” Jihoon acquiesces and Seungcheol sends him off with a tight hug and a soft kiss.
He lets out a long breath as he watches Jihoon’s car disappear from sight and he gets ready for work. He hopes they’ll be okay.
“Oh, Seungcheol,”
Seungcheol snaps out of his autopilot that he’s been running on all morning. In front of him, Eric is standing at the doorway of the company he’s delivering to. Seungcheol looks at the nameplate and realises it is Eric’s workplace, and he’s been so distracted all morning, he didn’t even realise.
“Hi hyung, sorry, can you sign for this?” Seungcheol says, putting the box down and getting out the device for acknowledging receipt.
“You seem to be thinking,” Eric says as Seungcheol prepares it for Eric’s signature.
“Yeah, you could say that,” Seungcheol chuckles quietly, a little nervously, as Eric signs. He doesn’t know how to say he’s worried his boyfriend is going to try and kill himself when Seungcheol isn’t there. He’s been answering all of Seungcheol’s texts this morning though, so Seungcheol knows he’s still managing through his day, somehow.
“Jihoon?” Eric asks, handing Seungcheol the device back. Seungcheol stares at him a little. “Amy told me what happened last night,” the look in his eyes let Seungcheol know that Yejin went into enough detail for Eric to know what is going on. Eric was to Yejin what Jihoon was to Seungcheol, after all. Seungcheol shouldn’t have been surprised that Yejin sought comfort with Eric after last night.
Seungcheol licks his lips. “Yeah,” he says quietly. “I want to help him, but he doesn’t want me to, he thinks he can solve it all on his own. I don’t really know what to do,” Seungcheol mumbles.
Eric watches him, Seungcheol’s eyes filled with sadness and turmoil. “I see,” Eric murmurs softly.
Seungcheol forces a smile. “Don’t worry, hyung, we’ll work it out,”
Eric just returns the smile hesitantly, waving a little as Seungcheol jogs out of the building.
As Seungcheol’s car drives away, Eric pulls out his phone and scrolls his contact list for a certain person.
“Hey, you’re Jihoon, right?”
Jihoon looks up from his Simple cocktail to see a girl, with short hair and several piercings, smile at him, two seats away. She’s dressed in slacks and a button up shirt, sleeves rolled up to show a tattoo sleeve on her right arm.
“Sorry, do I know you?” Jihoon asks. She doesn’t look like the kind of person who would be part of the upper circle of society, but then again looks are deceiving. He needs to know whether he has to handle company reputation as well as his own.
The girl grins, a little lopsided, a little playful. “Name’s Amber,” she drawls her name out a little, “I’m a friend of Eric and Amy’s.” That explains the slight accent.
Jihoon glances at her again. “You know me?”
“No, I don’t, admittedly, but they asked me to come tonight to talk to you,”
“About what?”
“About the fact you tried to jump off a twenty storey building two days ago,”
Jihoon’s eyes widen and he looks around in panic. He’s lucky Amber’s voice wasn’t too loud, and the bar is humming with noise, but there aren’t any people around them. Jeonghan and Seungcheol are also at the other end of the bar. Jisoo is in the back room.
“Don’t say that so loudly,” Jihoon hisses. Amber looks at him, unfazed.
“Why does it matter? It’s the truth, isn’t it?” she asks, totally calm.
“I - “ Jihoon takes a deep breath and licks his lips. “Well, maybe, but you don’t have to tell everyone.”
Amber regards him again for a long moment. “Who knows about it, and did they find out by accident or because you told them?”
“What are you, my shrink?”
“No, but that’s what they’re hoping for,”
“What?!”
Amber sighs. “Look, Seungcheol is really, really worried about you - and yes I know him, and the situation between you two. Amy and Eric are worried about you too. They don’t want you to fight this battle alone, but you won’t let any of them help.”
“You’re a therapist,” Jihoon states more than asks.
“Not by profession, but technically yes,”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I studied it, took the licence exam, passed with flying colours, am a fully qualified psychologist, but I work as a florist with my dumb boyfriend,”
Jihoon gapes at her, not quite sure what to say. Amber just shifts in her seat and regards him calmly. “I’ll ask again, Jihoon: who knows what happened, and did they find out by accident or because you told them?”
Jihoon opens his mouth but instead of an answer, he just feels all the breath leave him. His heart is racing in his chest, but not like when Seungcheol kisses him, more like when he wakes up from nightmares, heart feeling like it’s going to leap out of his chest. His vision is getting blurry and he’s trying to breathe but it’s only coming out in short gasps and he feels like the world is closing in on him. A warm hand wraps around his forearm and a voice reminds him to breathe - in and out, in and out - and he follows what it tells him to do, until his vision is no longer shrinking from the edges.
He glances up to see Amber by his side, hand around his arm, but otherwise still not too close.
She searches his eyes. “Do you have panic attacks a lot?” she asks quietly. Jihoon shakes his head.
“Only when I think of…” he trails off. Amber understands.
She licks her lips and glances around her and Jihoon follows her gaze - their conversation is as private as it can be in a public bar, separate from the other customers and not attended to by any bartenders.
“I can’t force you to accept my help. It’s a two way street, Jihoon, you have to want to face this head on, or it won’t work,” she says quietly. “But I can tell you this - it’s not your fault or a weakness if you need to talk to someone - whether it’s me or Seungcheol, or anyone else.”
She pulls out a piece of paper from her pocket. It’s got her name and a phone number. “If you want to talk, about anything, you can contact me. We don’t have to do anything formal, and it can be here, or wherever. You don’t even have to talk to me, it can be Seungcheol, but the point is that you don’t try to fight this alone,” she says. “It’s not a matter of whether you’re strong enough - you are. You’re just stronger when you have help, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”
“But whatever you decide, remember this, Jihoon: it’s not just you that your life affects,” she murmurs. “There are other people around you who interact with you, and they want to help you,” she looks him in the eye; and later, Jihoon will say this is his favourite part about Amber - she always looks you in the eye, because she sees you for you.
“The question isn’t ‘do you want help’? It’s ‘do you want to let other people try to help you, while you help yourself’?”
After Amber leaves, Seungcheol comes by and asks what Amber wanted. Jihoon doesn’t answer immediately, not quite sure whether he should tell, but Seungcheol grips his hand and says it’s okay, and starts talking about some new dish Jeonghan was telling him about that he wants to try cooking. Jihoon knows he’s just trying to be a distraction, to give Jihoon something else to think about, but he also knows it’s hard for him. A forced kind of cheeriness to help Jihoon not think of his own sadness that clings like an overhanging curtain.
“She just wanted to talk to me,” Jihoon says quietly. Seungcheol falters in his spiel of almost nonsense as he runs out of things to say, and smiles gently.
“She’s nice, even if she’s a little strange,” Seungcheol says. Jihoon merely nods - he can agree with that description, even if only having just met her.
At the other end of the bar, Jeonghan looks like he’s got a few customers seeking his service, so Seungcheol squeezes Jihoon’s hand tightly and offers a resigned, soft smile, before heading over to help Jeonghan.
Jihoon watches him for a moment, thinking of Seungcheol’s strained cheerfulness, and pulls out his phone and the piece of paper with Amber’s number from his pocket.
I’d like your help.
a/n: TL;DR for those worried about triggering content: Jihoon is considering suicide, sitting on the edge of his office rooftop. Seungcheol gets to him in time and tells him he cares, and chooses to be with Jihoon. He and Yejin reassure Jihoon that is loved and cared for, and then go down the lifts to leave. At Seungcheol’s apartment, Jihoon becomes fixated with a kitchen knife and Seungcheol asks Jihoon what he’s thinking about, and Jihoon breaks down because he doesn’t want Seungcheol to understand the dark thoughts in his head. Eric calls Amber, a friend and trained psychologist, who speaks to Jihoon at the bar and tells him that she can help, but only if he is also willing - he has to want to get better. Jihoon messages Amber and says he’d like her help.
Also a quick disclaimer that I don’t claim to know all these issues in detail or the best ways to deal with them. I don’t mean to romanticize these issues through the relationship between Seungcheol and Jihoon, and that’s why I introduced Amber, to show that sometimes you need other people to intervene and help. Sometimes it can be a romantic partner, but sometimes it isn’t.
If you’re worried about any of this content, or think you need any help, please reach out to those who care about you and you feel comfortable talking to. If you feel alone, please remember that storms pass, that even the darkest nights turn into morning, and you have made it this far, and I - and many others who care about you - believe in you, that you can make it through this too.