Wants and Needs: Chapter 12
Title: Wants and Needs
Pairing: Arthur/OC, Arthur/Merlin
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Angst
Word Count: ~2050
Disclaimer: I don’t own them, I just take them out to play every now and again. No copyright infringement intended
Summary: Arthur and Merlin make some decisions on the road back to Camelot
Wants and Needs
Chapter 12: What the King Declares
While all this was happening, Lancelot had retreated to the far side of the pool, and was studiously NOT watching them. As merlin and Arthur cooled from their post-coital glow, Merlin spotted him.
“You’re not really dead, you know,” Merlin called across the water towards him. ”This really is a place between, and Morgana paid the coin for your soul. You have a choice too; just like I did. You can return to the land of the living with us.”
“A choice” Lancelot questioned? “What choice could I possibly make, Merlin? I have betrayed all that is honorable. I betrayed Arthur and Guinevere. How could I ever return? No, I deserve to remain here and wait to be of service.”
“No Lancelot. What happened back then was Morgana’s enchantment, not you. You remained a knight of Camelot, noble brave and true.”
“Care to explain, Merlin?" Arthur inquired.
“The Lancelot you knew, I mean the last time you saw him, the one with Gwen, who died in the dungeon, that wasn't really Lancelot. Morgana used necromancy to raise his soul from the dead. She controlled him. He had no choice in the matter really; she had made him a Shade. She used him to disgrace Gwen, because she couldn't stand to see her on the throne. It's complicated Arthur. Just trust me.” Merlin turned back to Lancelot. “I've grown quite a bit since then. I can sort of, sense these things. You do have a choice Lancelot. You can take my hand and leave this pool if you wish to do so. Take my hand Lancelot, there's still a lot to do here out in the land of living. Besides,” Merlin said with a grin, “think of the look on Gwaine face when you show up, again.”
Lancelot looked at Arthur. Arthur, for his part, looked concerned. But when he looked from Merlin to Lancelot and back again, his face calmed. It was clear he decided to place his trust in Merlin and nothing would shake him from that decision ever again.
______________________________
The look on Gwaine’s face when both Lancelot and Arthur suddenly reappeared on either side of the now conscious Merlin was truly a sight to behold. Gwaine, for perhaps the first time in his life, was speechless. Arthur, however, quickly took charge and bundled all three men out of the cave. Each man showed a different reaction to Kilgharrah still perched above the mouth of the cave. For his part, the dragon looked as pleased as a dragon could possibly be. He looked Arthur in the eye, and returned the bow Arthur had given to him before. “You have chosen well, Pendragon,” was all he said, but it was enough. Merlin tried to stop and thank the dragon, but Arthur wasn’t taking any chances and hurried Merlin along. Both Gwaine and Lancelot simply gave the great dragon as wide a berth as possible on the small ledge, and quickly dropped onto the path below.
Once the men reached the horses, the ride back towards Camelot was a slow one. With four men, two horses, and very limited supplies, they took turns riding and walking. For the most part they were quiet, except of course, when Gwaine felt the need to fill the silence with bawdy stories and limericks. He was the first to bounce back from their adventures, and seemed to think that high spirits were definitely in order.
As evening drew near, the four men camped on a wide plateau with had small stunted trees along its edge. Lancelot and Arthur went to collect what little wood they could find, and when they returned, Merlin started a fire. After they'd eaten a small meal, Gwaine and Lancelot wrapped themselves in a blanket and quickly fell into a deep sleep, exhausted from the day they had endured.
Rest did not come so easily to Merlin and Arthur, so they remained by the fire. Mostly, they sat quietly, but every now and again, one of them would quietly murmur something to the other before they both lapsed back into silence. Finally, Merlin gathered his courage and asked Arthur the one question he knew he needed the answer to, but terrified him nonetheless
“What now?” Merlin asked. “What is going to happen when I show up in Camelot? Should I even return? Perhaps I should just go home to Ealdor.”
“No!” Arthur’s shout caused the sleeping men to move into their bed rolls, but they quickly settled back to sleep.
“No,” Arthur continued more quietly. "Camelot is your home. You belong there. I thought we already decided that."
"But, what's going to happen?" Merlin persisted. "Am I just supposed to go back to being your manservant? Making your bed and mucking out your stables?”
“No, of course not,” Arthur scoffed. “As soon as I return I’ll lift the ban on magic. I’m the King. The nobles will squawk like frightened geese, but they’ll have to obey me. We'll figure out a way to settle them. I need your help if I’m going to do this, you know. Somehow we’ll need to position you so that they know you're under my full protection. You’ll have to have some kind of title or something to deal with all their fear and jealousy. It will have to be powerful enough politically to protect you, but not so strong that they’ll fear your power.”
“Wait, I know. I can appoint you Court Sorcerer, advisor to King on all things magic. Maybe we'll even send an envoy to the Druids. See what they have to offer. An alliance with them would definitely make Camelot stronger. The nobles won't be able to argue with that. I mean, we’ll have to force them to understand that magic exists whether they like it or not. And, the moment I present them with you, as sort of, well, a magical expert -- all we’ll need do is convince them that you're on our side.”
“Perhaps I could swear an oath of fidelity, like the Knights do?”
"Yes!" Arthur said excitedly. "Exactly like that."
"What about Gwen?"
"What about her?" Arthur replied uneasily.
“Well, I mean, what happened between us…"
“She's not a part of that.” Arthur interrupted.
“You can't just block her out. What exactly are you going to tell her happened here?”
“I'm not blocking her out. I mean, ever since, well, ever since Morgana, when I… You see, she doesn't really remember anything, but I do."
"You can't blame Gwen!"
"Of course not. I would never - I just - every time we touch, or - whenever we are alone, and she - I couldn't. I just couldn't. I know none of this is her fault. But I just couldn't. I tried. I really did. I tried to go on just like nothing it happened but I couldn't. I’d see someone's cloak or shadow moving in a corner and suddenly it would all rush back into my head, and I’d have to sit there pretending I wasn't about to vomit. I had to stay strong and remain calm when all I wanted to do was scream.”
"But it's over now Arthur." Merlin said as he laid his hand on Arthur's arm. "It's really all over - for good."
Arthur stared at Merlin’s hand lying so thin and pale against his dark tunic.
"Yes. I can't feel them inside of me anymore. You healed me Merlin. You did it. You gave me back the power to choose what kind of man I want to be. You gave me back everything, and more," he whispered, still staring at Merlin's hand.
Merlin followed his eyes down to his own hand, and drew it back sharply. Arthur immediately felt the loss of its warmth.
"But Gwen, Arthur,” Merlin reminded him, “we need to talk about her, and us, and what’s happened. No more hiding. If we are to make this work, we’re going to have to decide what happens next.”
“No. I can't talk about this, about her, with you. I just - it's too much. I need time; I can't just change everything all at once." Arthur snorted. “What do you expect me to do? March back into Camelot, renounce the ban on sorcery, oh, and tell my wife that I’ve just finished completing a lifetime bond with another person, who, by the way is a man. -- Oh, by the way, it’s Merlin, the man you considered your friend, the same man I banished from Camelot on pain of death. Is that what you suggest Merlin? Should I just unload all of that on Gwen, on top of everything else she’s had to cope with?”
"No. I know. I understand. I do, really. I just want to make sure that you understand it too. What we had, before you knew about my magic; we were, we were friends, right?" Merlin relaxed at Arthur's quick nod. "I don't ever want you to feel obligated or, I don't know, responsible for me -- for my feelings. I've changed too, you know. I’ve just got to figure out what's best for me as well. And you're right, I do belong in Camelot, and we’ll find a way to make it work. We can deal with the nobles, and the Druids, if you want to. I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with - well, with us. Whether or not we can go back to what we were. Can we? Can we just go back to the way things were?” Merlin asked.
"Yes. I, I'd like that.” Arthur looked relieved.
"You know, Court Sorcerer doesn't sound so bad. Mind you, I'm not wearing some stupid hat. I don't care what title you foist on me - I draw the line at ridiculous hats.”
“Not even nice pointed one?" Arthur teased.
"No." Merlin stated, but the small grin hiding in the corner of his mouth gave Arthur hope. He fervently prayed that they could get through this together.
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The next morning Lancelot walked alongside Arthur and quietly began to talk with Arthur. He quietly tried to explain all that had happened the last time he was in Camelot. He told Arthur about Morgana, and the bracelet, and the enchantment, and then he spoke of Gwen. Merlin kept glancing between Arthur and Lancelot as they spoke, growing nervous at the stony look on Arthur's face. But Gwaine made sure Merlin stayed atop his horse next to him. "Let them do this Merlin. They need to clear this between them before we reach Camelot. Lancelot needs to know where he stands, and come to think of it, so does Arthur. Let them talk it out now.”
Merlin knew that was good advice, and he tried to heed it, but he desperately wanted to help the two men get beyond what happened. After some time, Arthur’s face began to relax, and Merlin realized Gwaine had been right. The only way they could fix things was to talk about it, so he let them.
That night Merlin sat next Arthur and asked him if he was well.
“Well?" Arthur barked. "If you call returning to a kingdom on the edge of war, bringing back one banished warlock so that I can repeal the ban on magic, not to mention arriving with a knight who’s returned from the dead twice. If you can call that well -- then yes Merlin everything is… well.”
“This really isn't going to be easy is it,” Merlin sighed.
"Easy? No. But then, destiny rarely is, is it?" Arthur answered with a smile. And with that, Arthur grabbed a blanket, wrapped it around his shoulders, and lay down with Lancelot and Gwaine next to the fire. Merlin glanced at Arthur and then looked into the fire for a few moments. He sighed, grabbed a blanket of his own, and laid down his head, ready to leave all the questions and problems until the next day, or maybe the day after that.
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