The Bar
I guess its been a while since I wrote. I’d like to say I’ve filled the interviening space with productive things but I really havent. I’ve bobbed along like always. I’m still pudgy and won’t take it off before Anguilla. Oh well. I’m working out at least a few times a week. I’m off alcohol for a while hopefully. I’m cutting back at least.
New years was good, aside from me getting sick and having to be walked home by Anne Marie and Chris. Not much to really speak of.
I saw a few people, Dan Muzika, Chrisine Holiday, Christine Lonergan, Dan Galron, ect.
I hate this time of the evening. It’s incredibly depressing. 6 PM and its dark. I miss the sun. I miss the sun a fair amount. Of course the sun has started to move back towards our section of the hemisphere and the days are slowly extending themselves. Yet it’s a downer. I want to be out and with people.
Tonight I’m going to try and meet up with Ryan. I’d like to have a serious talk with her. This is always a difficult thing to obtain. She’s touchy and defensive about most things. She’s also very bad about procrastinating. But I just want to let her know how I see things. I find it’s more legitimate to at least alert people to their bad behavior before you get mad at them. Zach has told me he’s getting fed up with the whole wilbur house crowd. His reaction is more to bitch about it than to talk it through with them. I guess that’s what happens when you have both sides hamstrung by anxiety, intelligence and ego issues.
I can’t focus. I think the coke I had an hour ago was a bad idea. Caffine seems to affect me more than most people I know, and though I prize my morning ritual of coffee, the truth is I don’t need it and its probably doing me harm. Same with the drinking. I guess I so love the altered states of mind that come with ingesting chemicals that I find them especially hard to give up. But I do have an actual drinking prolbem. Not severe, by any means, but it is identifiyble. As the certainty grows in my mind, I’m going to become more likely to do something about it. I’ve recently been vocalizing it more, something that is probably a psychologicial step necessary before I begin to give it up.
The anxiety Is coming on pretty strong.My reaction to the anxiety was always to focus on the outward expression, assuming that a calm exterior could only be maintained if my inside was calm as well. Thus, with the exception of me being either VERY upset or else excited about something, I can usually keep very good control over myself.
Yet the anxiety is still churning underneath, something that probably would seem unavoidable. I suppose I’ve worked on venting the inner anxiety as well as maintaining outward calm, but the former needs a lot more work.
I’m wayward. Yet I’m amazingly hard working and tenacious when I put my mind to it. I need something that can help me focus my life. It is true that a person has a lot more control over their fate than we often like to think. Yet fate also has a role. I don’t think fate and chance have been particularly kind to me so far in life. Yes, I’ve certainly made choices that have put me in this situation. Yet we all struggle with things growing up, and I think that I’ve had quite a few barriers. I’d like it if, just for once, I didn’t have to go through life the hard way, and that circumstances worked out to give me what I need before I burn myself figuring out what it is.
New years was good, aside from me getting sick and having to be walked home by Anne Marie and Chris. Not much to really speak of.
I saw a few people, Dan Muzika, Chrisine Holiday, Christine Lonergan, Dan Galron, ect.
I hate this time of the evening. It’s incredibly depressing. 6 PM and its dark. I miss the sun. I miss the sun a fair amount. Of course the sun has started to move back towards our section of the hemisphere and the days are slowly extending themselves. Yet it’s a downer. I want to be out and with people.
Tonight I’m going to try and meet up with Ryan. I’d like to have a serious talk with her. This is always a difficult thing to obtain. She’s touchy and defensive about most things. She’s also very bad about procrastinating. But I just want to let her know how I see things. I find it’s more legitimate to at least alert people to their bad behavior before you get mad at them. Zach has told me he’s getting fed up with the whole wilbur house crowd. His reaction is more to bitch about it than to talk it through with them. I guess that’s what happens when you have both sides hamstrung by anxiety, intelligence and ego issues.
I can’t focus. I think the coke I had an hour ago was a bad idea. Caffine seems to affect me more than most people I know, and though I prize my morning ritual of coffee, the truth is I don’t need it and its probably doing me harm. Same with the drinking. I guess I so love the altered states of mind that come with ingesting chemicals that I find them especially hard to give up. But I do have an actual drinking prolbem. Not severe, by any means, but it is identifiyble. As the certainty grows in my mind, I’m going to become more likely to do something about it. I’ve recently been vocalizing it more, something that is probably a psychologicial step necessary before I begin to give it up.
The anxiety Is coming on pretty strong.My reaction to the anxiety was always to focus on the outward expression, assuming that a calm exterior could only be maintained if my inside was calm as well. Thus, with the exception of me being either VERY upset or else excited about something, I can usually keep very good control over myself.
Yet the anxiety is still churning underneath, something that probably would seem unavoidable. I suppose I’ve worked on venting the inner anxiety as well as maintaining outward calm, but the former needs a lot more work.
I’m wayward. Yet I’m amazingly hard working and tenacious when I put my mind to it. I need something that can help me focus my life. It is true that a person has a lot more control over their fate than we often like to think. Yet fate also has a role. I don’t think fate and chance have been particularly kind to me so far in life. Yes, I’ve certainly made choices that have put me in this situation. Yet we all struggle with things growing up, and I think that I’ve had quite a few barriers. I’d like it if, just for once, I didn’t have to go through life the hard way, and that circumstances worked out to give me what I need before I burn myself figuring out what it is.