direction
I broke down last night and took sleeping medication. The nights during the past week have left me restless and wound up. I’ve drank too much and not exercised nearly enough. I’ve become pudgy (for me) and snappish.
The results last night were good, however. I slept incredibly well and woke up this morning very relaxed. That is despite the rather vivid and non-to-comforting dreams I’ve had of late. What I can’t figure out is if there is something triggering these dark dreams or if they have always been this dark and it’s simply been that now I am starting to remember more of them.
Regardless, exams are upon me and things have to change. I’ve finally gotten done with my social engagements and am fully committed to spending the next three weeks grinding out my papers, final exams and studying. I’ve resolved to start exercising every day (at least for a small time) and to stop drinking, something that usually leads to bad results.
I have heard from many people, and have a growing personal belief, that personality traits almost always develop slowly over time, or else are always present, and that seemingly sudden downfalls or issues usually can be diagnosed ahead of time if you look in the right places. Being a person who lives most of his life inside his own head, my first attentions are usually paid to myself. Now that I’ve, for the most part, gotten over the ego issues that used to plague me, and have learned how to deal with my anxiety and depression, I’m trying to figure out what my weaknesses are and how those might intrude themselves later in life. Things which seem minor now will probably be issues later.
The most obvious and easily condemnable one is that I will probably have issues with alcohol. Drinking has been a crutch that allowed me to cope with some very difficult periods of life. I don’t look back upon my reliance on it as a mistake, rather I see it as a coping mechanism that replaced other even more destructive habits. Alcoholism runs in my family and I suspect my father had trouble with it in the past, either with consuming too much or else (and this seems more likely) acting heedless on the occasions he did drink. Family realities include the fact that my grandparents all tended to drink heavily and I’m fairly certain it contributed much to the death of at least one.
Yet there are other less concrete issues which, by their nature, might be harder to diagnose and yet more important to understand. The first is that I tend to be more certain of myself than the situation warrants. This is exacerbated by the fact that I’m not only very intelligent but also very observant. I see the same issues in both my uncle and my mother, knowledge of talent combined with age giving way to certainty even when no direct cause for certainty really exists. I have so far managed to maintain a healthy skeptisim about myself and reality. I must be sure to maintain it for my own well being and sociability.
On an even deeper level, there is a fey part of my personality that is one of my greatest strengths but can also lead to a great weakness. I have learned to deal with adversity and have emotionally suffered, both from external and internal attacks. I have responded by building up an internal ego based upon very little in the outside world. My construction of life is not based very heavily upon other people or upon social norms. This makes me less vulnerable to outside attack. Yet if my internal compass becomes misguided, it also is very hard to re-direct.
I need other people. In particular, I’ll need a wife and probably a family. Its not so much the loneliness, though I’m sure that would be difficult. Rather, its that I need other people to live for. Without such people I literally don’t feel an obligation to act responsibly. Many of the people I consider role models have killed themselves late in life when their lives were in perceived downward slopes. This is not to say that I consider suicide an appropriate thing at this time in life, I still enjoy life very much and am learning how to enjoy it more and more. Yet the things which make life enjoyable now, youth, an excellent working mind, freedom from care, are all things which go away. As one grows older, those things must be replaced with other reasons to continue existing under increasingly difficult limitations (infirmity, a rapidly altering world, ect)
In my rather sordid dating career I have dated many women. Many I have liked very much, a few I have loved. But I have only dated two girls I ever truly had great affection for. And one of those relationships ended very badly. More importantly, I’ve never dated a girl I both loved and respected in the amount necessary to marry her. I know very few girls who are single and have the possibility to fulfill both.
I see my friends getting married and I am happy for them. Some of my friends have made excellent choices (in my opinion) and others choices where I cannot see what they so obviously value. Regardless, I’m too stubborn and know myself too well to settle for a girl with whom I would not be happy. I also don’t have a tremendous drive to go in search of one. The result is that I fear I won’t ever find someone. This is not one of those cursory or ego-related fears. It’s a definite possibility. I have never met (as far as i know) an unattached girl who both loved and respected me and whom I both loved and respected. There are many things to do in life, and I am by no means panicked about life. I need no reassurances about the chances of life or instructions about the fortunes of fate. Yet to not recognize a possibility when it is real is to stick your head in the sand.
It may sound petulant to say that I would only seek for the worlds betterment if I found a person. Yet it is not so much a threat as it is a need for a reason to give. Seeking to make the world a better place is, to a certain extent, giving back to the world things it has given to you. I believe motivation to do good usually comes from being given to by others. Without that gift, the chances of my devoting myself to others lessens considerably.
I know my potential. I have wasted most of it so far due to insecurities, emotional issues and pure laziness. I know I have potential to make the world a better place. Yet I also know that my chances of making the world a better place rest strongly upon my ability to find a person who makes the world worth improving. So far I have not managed to do that. Should I never do so, my willfulness and strength might very well become directed in a different manner. It would be a sad thing indeed.