the house in silence
it's quiet.
very, very quiet in my room right now.
lately i've been trying to deal with such erratic mood swings. Not so much as: "oh my god i hate you! get out of my life. i want to die!" to "oh hey whats up, how are you, wanna go to the movies. yay! fun fun fun, love!" but definitively in an inward manner. it takes me an awful long time to finally get comfortable in bed and stop getting up to do random things, like check to see if my tablet was in my room and not scratched. then again to see what story i left off in my EAP book, or if the letter my dad wrote me is still on my desk, or did i put it back?
what the hell?
and after the long while and laying still, it takes another few hours trying to slow my brain down and try to sleep.
in short, it feels like my bed time routine is significantly longer than usual.
in the mornings i don't wake up too well, but i feel much better not too long after.
since i'm working, i haven't much paid attention to 'when' i start to change from one extreme to another. at some point during the day i can feel my heart just grow heavy and my eyes begin to burn just slightly in the back. sometimes i go to the bathroom and just cry a little, just enough to get the sting away, then fix everything. most of the time i turn my music on a bit louder and start paying A LOT of attention to my work. not that i wasn't before....i but i start to OVER do it, just to concentrate on something other than my head, while continuing to work, right.
things get better.... and if not better, then for sure, a whole lot easier to ADD my way out of it and be distracted. of course nights are the worst....but i really think it's right AFTER dinner, that just might be the worst, worst of it.
i know in my heart that some nights are hard for me because i know everyone is going to sleep. part of me is jealous that they get to sleep so well, and here i am....getting up to see if my shoes are in my room, or in the living room. (jealous in a non-jealousy way towards them of course. did that make sense? i meant jealous of the pridicament, but not 'AT' them). another part of me know's that i am going to be all alone now. this is when my brain like to talk with me] did i just sound psychotic?? lol.
anyway, on i go. -shrugs-
i think i'm having a difficult time with these bouts here. at the same time, i also think i'm doing okay with everyone surrounding me....which is good.
seconds before i logged into livejournal (those seconds, now turned to minutes, and long sinced passed)
i was sitting on my bed. the cd i had on repeat had ended and didn't restart (thanks to that lovely energy star in the stereo) and everything was suddenly really quiet. it freaked me out a little...my heart started to beat a little faster, but i don't think i was scared. just.....
nervous? maybe? ..something.
i wanted to turn the radio on, or push play again, but instead i just laid back. i could hear the hum of the computer, and mom cleaning the kitchen, and jonathon's shower running. i closed my eyes and felt my heart beat slower. and steady. and i listened to it. sara laid right beside me, i could feel her breathing, rather than hear it, then the sounds in the kitchen faded from the cleaning sound, to Dea making dinner.
i got really sad and realised that i am patiently (or impatiently) waiting for my dad to call.
i'm not sure what is really going on with me right now. but something is up.
something that i think i might be losing control of.
something depressing.
and something sweet.
something confusing.
something desperate,
and envious. and....
something ultimately...very indecribable.
and it sort of hurts a lot.
very, very quiet in my room right now.
lately i've been trying to deal with such erratic mood swings. Not so much as: "oh my god i hate you! get out of my life. i want to die!" to "oh hey whats up, how are you, wanna go to the movies. yay! fun fun fun, love!" but definitively in an inward manner. it takes me an awful long time to finally get comfortable in bed and stop getting up to do random things, like check to see if my tablet was in my room and not scratched. then again to see what story i left off in my EAP book, or if the letter my dad wrote me is still on my desk, or did i put it back?
what the hell?
and after the long while and laying still, it takes another few hours trying to slow my brain down and try to sleep.
in short, it feels like my bed time routine is significantly longer than usual.
in the mornings i don't wake up too well, but i feel much better not too long after.
since i'm working, i haven't much paid attention to 'when' i start to change from one extreme to another. at some point during the day i can feel my heart just grow heavy and my eyes begin to burn just slightly in the back. sometimes i go to the bathroom and just cry a little, just enough to get the sting away, then fix everything. most of the time i turn my music on a bit louder and start paying A LOT of attention to my work. not that i wasn't before....i but i start to OVER do it, just to concentrate on something other than my head, while continuing to work, right.
things get better.... and if not better, then for sure, a whole lot easier to ADD my way out of it and be distracted. of course nights are the worst....but i really think it's right AFTER dinner, that just might be the worst, worst of it.
i know in my heart that some nights are hard for me because i know everyone is going to sleep. part of me is jealous that they get to sleep so well, and here i am....getting up to see if my shoes are in my room, or in the living room. (jealous in a non-jealousy way towards them of course. did that make sense? i meant jealous of the pridicament, but not 'AT' them). another part of me know's that i am going to be all alone now. this is when my brain like to talk with me] did i just sound psychotic?? lol.
anyway, on i go. -shrugs-
i think i'm having a difficult time with these bouts here. at the same time, i also think i'm doing okay with everyone surrounding me....which is good.
seconds before i logged into livejournal (those seconds, now turned to minutes, and long sinced passed)
i was sitting on my bed. the cd i had on repeat had ended and didn't restart (thanks to that lovely energy star in the stereo) and everything was suddenly really quiet. it freaked me out a little...my heart started to beat a little faster, but i don't think i was scared. just.....
nervous? maybe? ..something.
i wanted to turn the radio on, or push play again, but instead i just laid back. i could hear the hum of the computer, and mom cleaning the kitchen, and jonathon's shower running. i closed my eyes and felt my heart beat slower. and steady. and i listened to it. sara laid right beside me, i could feel her breathing, rather than hear it, then the sounds in the kitchen faded from the cleaning sound, to Dea making dinner.
i got really sad and realised that i am patiently (or impatiently) waiting for my dad to call.
i'm not sure what is really going on with me right now. but something is up.
something that i think i might be losing control of.
something depressing.
and something sweet.
something confusing.
something desperate,
and envious. and....
something ultimately...very indecribable.
and it sort of hurts a lot.