Leaving was the best thing to do.
I find this statement to be the truth in most cirumstances. Leaving Plymouth was the best hoie. I'm glad now i did it. It has been a very tumultuous two years since but the gamble has paid off. I managed, with the support of mentors and friends to get into the professional theatre scene in Seattle and it's been incredibly beneficila to my career and education as a costumer. The moving from to NH to California and then Seattle has been terribly disruptive to my personal life but i think the moves have provided me with interesting insight into the workings of... the nation, idunno. I do know i've met tons of people and learned that American culture isn't the same in every state and yet it is. I know this seems obvious but there's something different about living IN it and seeing it for myself. I love traveling but i don't like moving. Seattle is a nie fit but something still feels amiss. I could be the lack of personal history. I know this come with time and I'm trying that out but another part of me wants to move around more and see more. The next step in my adult life is to figure out how to have a varied work life and still maintain a solid base camp. I'm only now starting to understand my actual needs from my wants.
Mostly I'm uncomfortable with how I'm morally situated. There is a way I want to live and then the way i recognize that I am apt to live. I don't know how to negotiate the two. How do I live without trampling on the expetations or needs of others? What are my responsibilities to people who support me, employ me, love me?
I often wonder about my friends lives. How do they stay rooted? What is it about me that has kept me wandering and shuffling back "home" from time to time to pass through their lives like a ghost? Why do i feel like a ghost now? How did they become parents and I am still a child? I guess part of the explanation is that that was personal goal they have achieved. My goals have always been centered around pursuing my craft and allying myself with mentors and masters. Is this LIKE having a child? I feel like I have an elusive grip on this but it keeps slipping away. Am I missing a step? Am I wrong? Is how I live my life wrong?
To be perfectly honest, and not to hurt the feelings of other I find the idea of raising children to be more effort that it is worth and at the end all I would really have accomplished (in a very large sense)is creating another rapist of the environment. Now surely why would i want to spawn if i do feel this way about humans? And if i DO feel this way about my very own race how can I even justify my own existence? I did not ask to be born. But i was and I acept responsibility for my existence. Part of that is doing what i can to leave as little trace of that existence as possible. I am my own eraser. I cannot help (in my lifetime) but to leave marks i guess but it would be stupid to suggest that would be possible, right? I don't mind that others want to have children it's a biological imperative. And I'm not enough of an asshole to suggest that I am somehow "above" the decision to procreate. What i AM suggesting is that i recognize that there is nothing I have to offer a child that would make said child any more or less worthy of life than any other one of the billion homeless, sick, starving humans that die in a state of desolation and despair. I can't add one more. And sometimes I mad that other people don't live with that concern. And at the same time- have you seen my nephew and niece? OMG. How could those little angles be anything but a gift from a higher power. So i guess what I'm REALLY saying is. Whay can't the people I Don't love stop having kids?
Mostly I'm uncomfortable with how I'm morally situated. There is a way I want to live and then the way i recognize that I am apt to live. I don't know how to negotiate the two. How do I live without trampling on the expetations or needs of others? What are my responsibilities to people who support me, employ me, love me?
I often wonder about my friends lives. How do they stay rooted? What is it about me that has kept me wandering and shuffling back "home" from time to time to pass through their lives like a ghost? Why do i feel like a ghost now? How did they become parents and I am still a child? I guess part of the explanation is that that was personal goal they have achieved. My goals have always been centered around pursuing my craft and allying myself with mentors and masters. Is this LIKE having a child? I feel like I have an elusive grip on this but it keeps slipping away. Am I missing a step? Am I wrong? Is how I live my life wrong?
To be perfectly honest, and not to hurt the feelings of other I find the idea of raising children to be more effort that it is worth and at the end all I would really have accomplished (in a very large sense)is creating another rapist of the environment. Now surely why would i want to spawn if i do feel this way about humans? And if i DO feel this way about my very own race how can I even justify my own existence? I did not ask to be born. But i was and I acept responsibility for my existence. Part of that is doing what i can to leave as little trace of that existence as possible. I am my own eraser. I cannot help (in my lifetime) but to leave marks i guess but it would be stupid to suggest that would be possible, right? I don't mind that others want to have children it's a biological imperative. And I'm not enough of an asshole to suggest that I am somehow "above" the decision to procreate. What i AM suggesting is that i recognize that there is nothing I have to offer a child that would make said child any more or less worthy of life than any other one of the billion homeless, sick, starving humans that die in a state of desolation and despair. I can't add one more. And sometimes I mad that other people don't live with that concern. And at the same time- have you seen my nephew and niece? OMG. How could those little angles be anything but a gift from a higher power. So i guess what I'm REALLY saying is. Whay can't the people I Don't love stop having kids?