long time no blog
I'be been doing a fair amount of posting on myspace because more people that i know are plugged in over there.Not a whole hell of a lot has happened. I've been working at Plymouth. My second show of the season goes up next thursday and then I'm off to California for a week to spend Thanksgiving with Robert.
My job is pretty cool but I'm really ready for a change of scenery and a different challenge. I only have one life and I'd like it to be as varied as possible. I can't ever be entirely sure what the fututre will bring but i have a general idea what direction I'm headed in at least for the next year. I'd like to end up back in NH at some point. If for no other reason to be closer to my mother. we don't see much of eachother right now. i go home less because i have a group of friends that keeps me up here for the occaisional weekend that i'm nOt working.
i'm part of a staff fitness program right now so all of my extra time is dedicated to aerovic/weight training. i've been on it for close to six weeks and there's only about a month left. it's hard to say if i can remain dedicated enough to stick with it on my own. i only meet with my trainer once a week sio i would like to say i've been pretty self motivated the entire time, but she's really helpful in keeping me interested in the weight training part- which is particularly difficult for me. escpecially during weeks like this. it also reduces stress but ultimately makes me more agressive and less empathetic and forgiving of lazy/half assed behavior which i get from a lot of students. i really miss working with dedicated professionals on a daily basis. i get paid okay, but i'm missing that environment. working with Angela this summer was really wonderful. just having one other adult around to bounce ideas off of and talk to makes a huge difference. it's not natural to work alone. and as much as i love and appreciate my students, they just aren't peers. they are on some levels but not on most.
Going back to school would just place me on the same playing board and the more i get into it the more i believe that i'm meant to venture out and do something creative with the abilities i have. i want a job that allows me to perfect my skills without demanding so much of my personal time. i'm starting to think that it doesn't exist. I get better reactions to britney (which spawn really interesting conversations about life and gender identity) than i do to any shows i've worked on. sure i have deep conversations with the director about design choices but those rarely take place between myself and other individuals. mostly it's "wow, pretty costumes! sure were a lot of those eh? i just don't know how you get it all done!". to which i usually reply "I'm MAGICAL." in a tone that implies that this is the obvious answer. but that's pretty much it. when i wear something i've made in a more intimate setting people want to know why and how and ask specific genuinely curious questions about my intentions, statement and what materials i used, how'd i know where to get them? stuff like that. then i have the opportunity to educate people on the process i use and share information i have that might serve them one day. THAT'S meaningful. THAT's important.
knowing all this used to make me frustrated.
i feel okay now but i'm a little lackluster. i used to be really angry but i've really evened out. i'm still pretty crabby when i'm under the gun but I've been nicer in general. i'm making a serious effort to keep zen through Blue Room just as an experiment. fittings have been easy going and loose (i used to get so tense, like a bowstring). part of this may be because i am pretty confident in my abilities in that arena,
i miss sewing so much. i miss putting things together and construction. it makes my soul hurt when i'm sitting on the computer sifting through ebay. but two straight eight hour days on the computer beats six in the shop when i have classes to prep for and emails to answer and supplies to purchase and costumes to pull/restock and budgets to assign, manage and balance and practicum students to teach/make jobs for and receipts to hand in, production meetings, design meetings, designing, organizing, fittings, copies, rehearsals it goes on and on. i like it and i AM afraid that i'll be bored after this but i'm ready to take that chance. i wonder how much i could accomplish for myself in the same amount of time. money will never be enough. neither will security or comfort. so i'm selling my soul for things i don't really value. well i value money. i have to. but you can't pay me enough to sacrifice my happiness. or could you?
My job is pretty cool but I'm really ready for a change of scenery and a different challenge. I only have one life and I'd like it to be as varied as possible. I can't ever be entirely sure what the fututre will bring but i have a general idea what direction I'm headed in at least for the next year. I'd like to end up back in NH at some point. If for no other reason to be closer to my mother. we don't see much of eachother right now. i go home less because i have a group of friends that keeps me up here for the occaisional weekend that i'm nOt working.
i'm part of a staff fitness program right now so all of my extra time is dedicated to aerovic/weight training. i've been on it for close to six weeks and there's only about a month left. it's hard to say if i can remain dedicated enough to stick with it on my own. i only meet with my trainer once a week sio i would like to say i've been pretty self motivated the entire time, but she's really helpful in keeping me interested in the weight training part- which is particularly difficult for me. escpecially during weeks like this. it also reduces stress but ultimately makes me more agressive and less empathetic and forgiving of lazy/half assed behavior which i get from a lot of students. i really miss working with dedicated professionals on a daily basis. i get paid okay, but i'm missing that environment. working with Angela this summer was really wonderful. just having one other adult around to bounce ideas off of and talk to makes a huge difference. it's not natural to work alone. and as much as i love and appreciate my students, they just aren't peers. they are on some levels but not on most.
Going back to school would just place me on the same playing board and the more i get into it the more i believe that i'm meant to venture out and do something creative with the abilities i have. i want a job that allows me to perfect my skills without demanding so much of my personal time. i'm starting to think that it doesn't exist. I get better reactions to britney (which spawn really interesting conversations about life and gender identity) than i do to any shows i've worked on. sure i have deep conversations with the director about design choices but those rarely take place between myself and other individuals. mostly it's "wow, pretty costumes! sure were a lot of those eh? i just don't know how you get it all done!". to which i usually reply "I'm MAGICAL." in a tone that implies that this is the obvious answer. but that's pretty much it. when i wear something i've made in a more intimate setting people want to know why and how and ask specific genuinely curious questions about my intentions, statement and what materials i used, how'd i know where to get them? stuff like that. then i have the opportunity to educate people on the process i use and share information i have that might serve them one day. THAT'S meaningful. THAT's important.
knowing all this used to make me frustrated.
i feel okay now but i'm a little lackluster. i used to be really angry but i've really evened out. i'm still pretty crabby when i'm under the gun but I've been nicer in general. i'm making a serious effort to keep zen through Blue Room just as an experiment. fittings have been easy going and loose (i used to get so tense, like a bowstring). part of this may be because i am pretty confident in my abilities in that arena,
i miss sewing so much. i miss putting things together and construction. it makes my soul hurt when i'm sitting on the computer sifting through ebay. but two straight eight hour days on the computer beats six in the shop when i have classes to prep for and emails to answer and supplies to purchase and costumes to pull/restock and budgets to assign, manage and balance and practicum students to teach/make jobs for and receipts to hand in, production meetings, design meetings, designing, organizing, fittings, copies, rehearsals it goes on and on. i like it and i AM afraid that i'll be bored after this but i'm ready to take that chance. i wonder how much i could accomplish for myself in the same amount of time. money will never be enough. neither will security or comfort. so i'm selling my soul for things i don't really value. well i value money. i have to. but you can't pay me enough to sacrifice my happiness. or could you?