the wrong right thing to do

[screw44]

there's this thing that i do that only my sisters have known me long enough to notice. or only they have looked closely enough. either way. this thing is stupid but i can't control it. it is somehow easy, or mechanical is a better word maybe, for me to just stop feeling a certain way inexplicably. like survival mode. if i am anticipating something somehow my body turns off the corresponding emotion in order to make the transition easier i guess. the thing is, i don't even know if this thing is going to happen the way i think it is. this thing. this lump in my throat. this empty shape in my chest. this restless urge to keep myself occupied. this inferiority complex.

the worst part is it's all my fault and i have no idea what i can do to change the course. resolution to everything : BAIL.