American McGee's Alice
Castling is a defensive manoeuvre in chess in which a king swaps places with a rook. In American McGee’s Alice, it means we visit a castle!
I’m just looking at this map again and shaking my head. Why is Wonderland Woods so big? Why is there a mountain? I guess I shouldn’t complain when that one tentacle is big enough to crush everything, everywhere.
As you may recall, last time the level finished midway through a random corridor. Today we begin at exactly the same point! Maybe this was planned as one level, but it was so long they split it into two. Certainly, this level is much more straightforward.
And if we go backwards…
The door’s locked. Magically behind us. By chess pieces which rarely have arms big enough to hold keys. But hey, it’s one of the few consistent bridges between levels! I like to see where I’ve come from and where I’m going.
Back in the direction we’re meant to go, the doors open onto a courtyard.
Oh dear… it seems we arrived far, far too late.
It should go without saying that those doors? Fake.
The castle is real, though. The developers really put a lot of love into these levels! It’s such a relief after the cut-and-paste haven of the Vale of Tears and Wonderland Woods.
There’s a secret area around here…
Ah, here it is!
A dark alleyway with a heart waiting at the end. This feels like symbolism.
Anyway, back to the enormous, obvious gateway.
Where I’m just throwing a Jackbomb.
And then running on top of it. Madness? Or… taking advantage of in-game cutscenes?
…Darn, I’m missing a couple here. Bloody Photobucket. It won’t even auto-copy the links when I highlight them any more. Right, here we go.
Gasp and dismay! In a daring assault, the Reds have captured the White Queen!
And now the Red Knights who enabled this villainy are hurling themselves into the purgatorial flames!
This way, I get rid of the Red Knights before the cutscene’s over, and so I never have to fight them. Other times, however, you can use Jackbombs to pretty much break cutscenes entirely - I’ll give examples later.
The White Queen, however, is lost… thanks to Alice’s amazing stand-there-watching skills.
Apparently this is the Red ship. It is a square with rusty tentacles that hovers.
Colour me unimpressed.
Works, though.
…Why are there stars underneath the ground? Just where exactly is Looking-Glass Land?
Anyway, that’s one fight averted!
Or not.
Did I avenge the Whites? Maybe. This time.
Wahey, a tentacle! It’s been too long, my friend! Apart from those huge ones in Caterpillar’s Plot, lolling about near the entrance to the Majestic Maze, but I forgot to point them out.
…Blech.
Let’s check out the void, while we’re here. See if we can spy the Red fortress.
…This terrifies me with a sense of my own insignificance.
Anyway, moving on to the house that Chessmen built! Somehow.
Now that’s more like it! Fight back, Whites! Against the oppression of, uh, people who look identical but whose skin is a different colour. Um.
A Jackbomb should clear up this mess. But how will we distinguish the Reds from the bloodstains they leave behind?!
That Pawn’s persistent, though.
I seem to have set the White Bishop on fire. Well, uh, he was obviously in the KKK, so it’s alright.
Still going, Red Pawn?
I didn’t think so.
Looks like my chalky pals have dealt with the last of the Reds.
Uh, yeah, um. Sorry. I didn’t know that could happen. Wait, aren’t White Knights also part of the KKK? Alice, you’re on the wrong side!
More ugly fountains… and some intriguing paintings.
Now, if I recall correctly…
This one.
What is Alice standing on? Such questions are not relevant in Looking-Glass Land. They do it with mirrors, I hear.
In Alice’s defence, she couldn’t have known that red mist was going to scald her face from behind this painting (although I did). Actually, I wish the developers had rigged it so that the mist came from the Cheshire Cat’s mouth. That would’ve been eerie… and slightly disgusting.
RAGE!
You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry…
Cattle to the slaughter.
Too easy.
Raging Alice takes a moment out from her blood-smeared carnival of violence to admire the paintings.
Nice graphics there.
Another battle? It must’ve been quite an assault by the Reds. No wonder the place is crawling with them.
Same tactics apply, anyway.
Just throw a - wait, WTH is this doing here. Gods, Photobucket…
Hahaha, nice dodge by the Red Knight there.
Look at the White Pawn standing in the corner there doing nothing. It’s just afraid and crying, it’s not ready for war! It didn’t know what it was signing up for!
Just one left.
Clash of equals - Mallet vs. the Red Ram!
Oh, apparently I win. Red Rooks (or Castles, whatever), when they die, spin around wildly before falling over. Like they’ve just been on a playground roundabout.
And now… for an audience with the boss.
Can’t get by without a shot of the old absinthe, I see.
And a crown askew. Great, an idiot toff. No wonder White’s losing.
Meanwhile, his hired muscle flex in the background. This manages to make them look stupider. White Rook, you're no Geodude.
What’s the assignment, big man? And does it pay?
Red Queen = Queen of Hearts… in this, anyway. I guess the developers wanted to ease the plot, since I hear the Disney version also conflated the two. How her marriage to the Red King would work, though, I don’t know.
“I saw her captured and just stood there, doing nothing except cackle at the smouldering carcasses of two Red Knights. I’m sorry.”
You were losing before I got here, White King. Did you nae notice all the Red pieces in ur base, killin ur doodz?
Spoiler: No, it doesn't. The White King doesn’t have a clue where the next piece of the Jabberwock’s Eye Staff is. It’s not even in Looking-Glass Land.
So, to capture the White Queen, the Reds threw dozens of Red pieces at the White base and only two got out alive. To recapture the White Queen, it’s just me.
Oh, awesome, it’s not just me! I hope it’s one of those tough guy Rooks - or a laser Bishop! Or -
…
A tiny, expressionless White Pawn. That was apparently hiding beneath the White King’s skirts.
You tell him, Alice! That’s what I like about this game - Alice doesn’t take stupid plot points lying down.
He says “Return as you came” in a really demanding voice. What a jerk! Who put him in charge, anyway? Arbitrary fate, that’s what. And if I’m to return as I came, why do I need an escort?
…We’re alone. Just me, and the KKK leader who sent me deep into enemy territory with only the most useless of allies. Well, I’ve got something under my petticoats for you, “White King.”
Anyway, we now need to flee the scene of the crime as fast as pos - I mean, catch up with the White Rooks.
Oh, there’s one!
The pair of them split up, you see. I mean, not in a bad way. But there are two entirely symmetrical ways around the castle, which is why there are a number of roads I failed to take earlier on.
Do you think I should crack him over the head and steal his clothes? Just because I can, you know?
On the other side, the corresponding White Rook is being held up by a Red Pawn which appears to be missing the back of its head.
Abominations against nature will not be permitted.
Oh, great, a magical portal. One that makes sense, sure, but it’s hovering directly above the entrance to the White throne room, where I just came from. Another pointless errand for Alice. I wouldn’t bother saving the world if I were her. Apart from the fact that it’s the only way to save her sanity.
Well, you can’t fight fate, I guess…
Next Time: Checkmate in Red.
I’m just looking at this map again and shaking my head. Why is Wonderland Woods so big? Why is there a mountain? I guess I shouldn’t complain when that one tentacle is big enough to crush everything, everywhere.
As you may recall, last time the level finished midway through a random corridor. Today we begin at exactly the same point! Maybe this was planned as one level, but it was so long they split it into two. Certainly, this level is much more straightforward.
And if we go backwards…
The door’s locked. Magically behind us. By chess pieces which rarely have arms big enough to hold keys. But hey, it’s one of the few consistent bridges between levels! I like to see where I’ve come from and where I’m going.
Back in the direction we’re meant to go, the doors open onto a courtyard.
Oh dear… it seems we arrived far, far too late.
It should go without saying that those doors? Fake.
The castle is real, though. The developers really put a lot of love into these levels! It’s such a relief after the cut-and-paste haven of the Vale of Tears and Wonderland Woods.
There’s a secret area around here…
Ah, here it is!
A dark alleyway with a heart waiting at the end. This feels like symbolism.
Anyway, back to the enormous, obvious gateway.
Where I’m just throwing a Jackbomb.
And then running on top of it. Madness? Or… taking advantage of in-game cutscenes?
…Darn, I’m missing a couple here. Bloody Photobucket. It won’t even auto-copy the links when I highlight them any more. Right, here we go.
Gasp and dismay! In a daring assault, the Reds have captured the White Queen!
And now the Red Knights who enabled this villainy are hurling themselves into the purgatorial flames!
This way, I get rid of the Red Knights before the cutscene’s over, and so I never have to fight them. Other times, however, you can use Jackbombs to pretty much break cutscenes entirely - I’ll give examples later.
The White Queen, however, is lost… thanks to Alice’s amazing stand-there-watching skills.
Apparently this is the Red ship. It is a square with rusty tentacles that hovers.
Colour me unimpressed.
Works, though.
…Why are there stars underneath the ground? Just where exactly is Looking-Glass Land?
Anyway, that’s one fight averted!
Or not.
Did I avenge the Whites? Maybe. This time.
Wahey, a tentacle! It’s been too long, my friend! Apart from those huge ones in Caterpillar’s Plot, lolling about near the entrance to the Majestic Maze, but I forgot to point them out.
…Blech.
Let’s check out the void, while we’re here. See if we can spy the Red fortress.
…This terrifies me with a sense of my own insignificance.
Anyway, moving on to the house that Chessmen built! Somehow.
Now that’s more like it! Fight back, Whites! Against the oppression of, uh, people who look identical but whose skin is a different colour. Um.
A Jackbomb should clear up this mess. But how will we distinguish the Reds from the bloodstains they leave behind?!
That Pawn’s persistent, though.
I seem to have set the White Bishop on fire. Well, uh, he was obviously in the KKK, so it’s alright.
Still going, Red Pawn?
I didn’t think so.
Looks like my chalky pals have dealt with the last of the Reds.
Uh, yeah, um. Sorry. I didn’t know that could happen. Wait, aren’t White Knights also part of the KKK? Alice, you’re on the wrong side!
More ugly fountains… and some intriguing paintings.
Now, if I recall correctly…
This one.
What is Alice standing on? Such questions are not relevant in Looking-Glass Land. They do it with mirrors, I hear.
In Alice’s defence, she couldn’t have known that red mist was going to scald her face from behind this painting (although I did). Actually, I wish the developers had rigged it so that the mist came from the Cheshire Cat’s mouth. That would’ve been eerie… and slightly disgusting.
RAGE!
You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry…
Cattle to the slaughter.
Too easy.
Raging Alice takes a moment out from her blood-smeared carnival of violence to admire the paintings.
Nice graphics there.
Another battle? It must’ve been quite an assault by the Reds. No wonder the place is crawling with them.
Same tactics apply, anyway.
Just throw a - wait, WTH is this doing here. Gods, Photobucket…
Hahaha, nice dodge by the Red Knight there.
Look at the White Pawn standing in the corner there doing nothing. It’s just afraid and crying, it’s not ready for war! It didn’t know what it was signing up for!
Just one left.
Clash of equals - Mallet vs. the Red Ram!
Oh, apparently I win. Red Rooks (or Castles, whatever), when they die, spin around wildly before falling over. Like they’ve just been on a playground roundabout.
And now… for an audience with the boss.
Can’t get by without a shot of the old absinthe, I see.
And a crown askew. Great, an idiot toff. No wonder White’s losing.
Meanwhile, his hired muscle flex in the background. This manages to make them look stupider. White Rook, you're no Geodude.
What’s the assignment, big man? And does it pay?
Red Queen = Queen of Hearts… in this, anyway. I guess the developers wanted to ease the plot, since I hear the Disney version also conflated the two. How her marriage to the Red King would work, though, I don’t know.
“I saw her captured and just stood there, doing nothing except cackle at the smouldering carcasses of two Red Knights. I’m sorry.”
You were losing before I got here, White King. Did you nae notice all the Red pieces in ur base, killin ur doodz?
Spoiler: No, it doesn't. The White King doesn’t have a clue where the next piece of the Jabberwock’s Eye Staff is. It’s not even in Looking-Glass Land.
So, to capture the White Queen, the Reds threw dozens of Red pieces at the White base and only two got out alive. To recapture the White Queen, it’s just me.
Oh, awesome, it’s not just me! I hope it’s one of those tough guy Rooks - or a laser Bishop! Or -
…
A tiny, expressionless White Pawn. That was apparently hiding beneath the White King’s skirts.
You tell him, Alice! That’s what I like about this game - Alice doesn’t take stupid plot points lying down.
He says “Return as you came” in a really demanding voice. What a jerk! Who put him in charge, anyway? Arbitrary fate, that’s what. And if I’m to return as I came, why do I need an escort?
…We’re alone. Just me, and the KKK leader who sent me deep into enemy territory with only the most useless of allies. Well, I’ve got something under my petticoats for you, “White King.”
Anyway, we now need to flee the scene of the crime as fast as pos - I mean, catch up with the White Rooks.
Oh, there’s one!
The pair of them split up, you see. I mean, not in a bad way. But there are two entirely symmetrical ways around the castle, which is why there are a number of roads I failed to take earlier on.
Do you think I should crack him over the head and steal his clothes? Just because I can, you know?
On the other side, the corresponding White Rook is being held up by a Red Pawn which appears to be missing the back of its head.
Abominations against nature will not be permitted.
Oh, great, a magical portal. One that makes sense, sure, but it’s hovering directly above the entrance to the White throne room, where I just came from. Another pointless errand for Alice. I wouldn’t bother saving the world if I were her. Apart from the fact that it’s the only way to save her sanity.
Well, you can’t fight fate, I guess…
Next Time: Checkmate in Red.