today
So I'm not the person I thought I'd be. I'm not the guy who is a good boyfriend; I don't take into consideration what my actions make other people feel; I'm more stingy than I could have ever imagined, it's always "me, me, me;" I feel like my relationship with my girlfriend isn't everything that it could and should be.
My relationship with my parents, mother and father, are kinda poor. My dad is just like me in that he could go a week or two without saying hey and call all of a sudden and talk like we had never missed a beat. I guess that's why I don't feel but so bad about how poorly I treat him as far as a son goes. I don't talk to my mom about things unless it's something that's bothering me, and then it's usually about some business that I shouldn't be sharing.
I really stepped back today and thought about my relationships with several important people. I've always known that I don't keep in touch with my family in Halifax county like I should, and I always try to make excuses. What's 10 minutes on the phone going to hurt me? It's not, and that's all it would take every week to "keep in touch." I'm more concentrated on staying busy/active with stuff around the house and work to think about much of anyone else unless it comes to my girlfriend. I feel like that's the only relationship that I can control, the only one that is new enough to actually start out on the right foot.
Ever since my parents divorced, it's been an up-and-down with my father. It's never bad, but we just go too long without talking to each other. We'll make plans, and we'll never go through with them but maybe twice a month. Sometimes stuff comes up that prevents him from showing, and sometimes the other way around. My mom and I never make plans, as she comes home from work and is usually tired, or the same with me. Especially when I used to work nights, we'd never even see each other. Now that I work mornings, I just stay shut up in my room napping or talking on the phone, or yes, you guessed it, playing video games.
Now that Sarah lives in Charlotte, I just honestly don't know what to do. I'm so inexperienced at long distance relationships that I just haven't learned how to handle the stress yet, but I don't think giving up is an option. I know giving up isn't an option, because I feel like for once, someone actually DOES want to be with me. I don't doubt that she isn't happy with me, because if she wasn't, she wouldn't be with me. As much as I've told myself that a sense of satisfaction with my partner was all I ever wanted, I never thought that I'd feel content. Not that I'm settling, but it just feels like I'm in the right place this time.
There are plenty of uncontrollable factors in life, but the ones that you can control always end up being controlled by someone else, at least when it comes to me. I let people make my decisions for me, I'm a wuss. I'm scared that the actions that I take will be the wrong ones, and if so, I can just blame whoever made the decision for me. I had myself convinced that I'd never be at fault for any wrongdoing as long as I kept it up this way. But I realize now how that's wrong, I have to make my own choices, and so that's why the first choice I made is to go back to school for something with computers or business.
The next choice was to get back "in touch" with all of my relatives that I NEVER see. Family is all that's left when everyone else leaves you, and for something so vital, so important, I sure as hell don't treat them that way. I love them, and they love me.
And right now I can't get Sarah off my mind. 180 miles is just too far. Time for me to move? I hope I can figure out a way to do that and stay in school and LIVE
My relationship with my parents, mother and father, are kinda poor. My dad is just like me in that he could go a week or two without saying hey and call all of a sudden and talk like we had never missed a beat. I guess that's why I don't feel but so bad about how poorly I treat him as far as a son goes. I don't talk to my mom about things unless it's something that's bothering me, and then it's usually about some business that I shouldn't be sharing.
I really stepped back today and thought about my relationships with several important people. I've always known that I don't keep in touch with my family in Halifax county like I should, and I always try to make excuses. What's 10 minutes on the phone going to hurt me? It's not, and that's all it would take every week to "keep in touch." I'm more concentrated on staying busy/active with stuff around the house and work to think about much of anyone else unless it comes to my girlfriend. I feel like that's the only relationship that I can control, the only one that is new enough to actually start out on the right foot.
Ever since my parents divorced, it's been an up-and-down with my father. It's never bad, but we just go too long without talking to each other. We'll make plans, and we'll never go through with them but maybe twice a month. Sometimes stuff comes up that prevents him from showing, and sometimes the other way around. My mom and I never make plans, as she comes home from work and is usually tired, or the same with me. Especially when I used to work nights, we'd never even see each other. Now that I work mornings, I just stay shut up in my room napping or talking on the phone, or yes, you guessed it, playing video games.
Now that Sarah lives in Charlotte, I just honestly don't know what to do. I'm so inexperienced at long distance relationships that I just haven't learned how to handle the stress yet, but I don't think giving up is an option. I know giving up isn't an option, because I feel like for once, someone actually DOES want to be with me. I don't doubt that she isn't happy with me, because if she wasn't, she wouldn't be with me. As much as I've told myself that a sense of satisfaction with my partner was all I ever wanted, I never thought that I'd feel content. Not that I'm settling, but it just feels like I'm in the right place this time.
There are plenty of uncontrollable factors in life, but the ones that you can control always end up being controlled by someone else, at least when it comes to me. I let people make my decisions for me, I'm a wuss. I'm scared that the actions that I take will be the wrong ones, and if so, I can just blame whoever made the decision for me. I had myself convinced that I'd never be at fault for any wrongdoing as long as I kept it up this way. But I realize now how that's wrong, I have to make my own choices, and so that's why the first choice I made is to go back to school for something with computers or business.
The next choice was to get back "in touch" with all of my relatives that I NEVER see. Family is all that's left when everyone else leaves you, and for something so vital, so important, I sure as hell don't treat them that way. I love them, and they love me.
And right now I can't get Sarah off my mind. 180 miles is just too far. Time for me to move? I hope I can figure out a way to do that and stay in school and LIVE