fic: the pet of the magi
The Pet of the Magi (3241 words) by 
screamlet
Fandom: Modern Family (TV)
Rating: General Audiences
Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Mitchell Pritchett/Cameron Tucker
Summary: Cameron and Mitchell recount Lily's first Christmas.
Notes: For candesgirl! As part of my million-day ficmas prompts, particularly: Can I get a Cam/Mitchell bit of utter Christmas FLUFF? Something set on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning, maybe a take on Gift of the Magi? This is kind of like that, but a little more ridiculous! AND THANK YOU TO bogged, who contributed with one ridiculous pet name at the very very end.
"Uh," Mitchell begins. "Lily's first Christmas with us… didn't exactly go as we planned? Like… at all?"
"But Mitchell's only saying that because…"
Cam pauses and thinks about it for a few long moments, and then adds, "No, he's right, it didn't go right at all. In any sense of the word."
*
"What if we get her a puppy?" Cam asks one day. "What if this is the Christmas we get her a puppy?"
"…No?"
"Why not?"
"Well, okay, if we get her a puppy now when she's a year and a half old and she can't remember it, what about later when she can and --"
"We can get more than one puppy."
"Mmm, no," Mitchell says, and he scoops up Lily as if to prove some kind of point. "I know you. I see it in your eyes. It starts with one puppy, then it's another puppy for the first puppy to take care of, and then we're living on Brokeback Mountain."
Cam crosses his arms over his chest, tilts his head, and then says, "And what's the problem?"
*
"One sheep does not a cowboy make," Cam says. "They're sheepherders, Mitchell. Not cowboys. That always bothered me. Still does."
"One sheep puts us on the Neighborhood Watch list -- as in, the Neighborhood Watch will watch us, and we won't be invited to their potlucks anymore."
"As if they could turn away the Tucker Family Biscuits," Cam scoffs.
"Yup. That's -- that's where their priorities are. Your family's biscuit recipe."
"You still don't know the secret ingredient and with that kind of skepticism? I'm not sure Momma will ever let me share it."
"Secret ingredient: my quintuple bypass."
"David Letterman survived one --"
"He's David Letterman, what can't he survive? David Letterman will still be hosting Late Night for our alien overlords six hundred years from now." Mitchell sighs and adds, "Weren't we talking about last Christmas?"
"Right, right," Cam sighs. "Anyway. So Mitchell said no puppy --"
*
"I just." Mitchell cradles Lily closer and presses his lips to her hair. "The thing about pets is that -- well. Pets die."
"…is that what this is about?" Cam asks. "Mitchell, you're not going to kill Lily's pets!"
"Uh, no, but my dad might," Mitchell says.
*
"I've got tons of photo albums from when I was growing up of me and my brother with all our dogs and cats," Jay says. "Guess how many of them flew into a ceiling fan to get away from night after night of re-enacting scenes from the life of Liza Minnelli, starring a snake as her mother."
*
"He made Zsa Zsa little hats," Claire says. "I thought it was cute. You know, that our mother taught him how to sew, and taught me to look for wedding band tan lines on men's hands." She thinks for a moment and adds, "She probably taught Mitchell that, too." She grins and says, "Oh, Mom! What a giver!"
*
"Besides, she gets enough… animal exposure, I guess… at school! Wagon Wheel! Duckies! They don't have a dance studio or video conference play dates with their sister school in Argentina, but they have duckies."
"Get enough irony in there?" Cam asks. "Because I think three professional ballet dancers just had their anemia cured from that comment."
"Aw," Mitchell coos. "Next time I'll ask the Giving Hawk to bring them some supplements instead."
Cam rolls his eyes and says excitedly, "Speaking of maize -- should we have tamales for lunch?"
"I don't know…" Mitchell says slowly, but then it's too late -- Cam glares, takes Lily from his arms, and heads outside with her to play in the castle.
*
"Oh yeah, I had tons of dogs growing up," Phil says. "Not like, all at once -- and not one for a few years and then another -- I kind of just liked taking dogs to my room and holding them until my dad found us? Dogs, they just -- they really got me, you know? It's a feeling I tried to evoke in high school with my magic."
*
"Well, I grew up on a farm --"
"Not sure if he ever mentioned that," Mitchell interrupts. "He's from the country, you see. He's from a farm."
"I grew up on a farm," Cam repeats. "So we had three cows, two horses, at least fifteen chickens, four pigs that then became a family of eleven when Susie had her litter that one year and then -- well, you know pigs --"
"Yeah. We do."
Cam gives him a look and Mitchell smiles in return.
"Then there were the five barn cats, the two house cats and oh those cats just did not get along --"
"Fun fact," Mitchell interrupts. "Cam's favorite musical growing up was not Doctor Dolittle."
"It was Seven Brides for Seven Brothers," Cam says. "Even if I couldn't identify with such a romanticized portrayal of Stockholm Syndrome, the costumes were just great and so was the choreography!"
Mitchell crosses one leg over the other and mouths BEARDS while motioning to himself, and fails to notice Cam watching him from the corner of his eye very skeptically.
*
Gloria opens the door for Cam, who rushes in with a large canvas bag slung across his chest and seems a little hysterical.
"Gloria, Gloria, I think I made a huge mistake!" he cries. "Mitchell and I were talking about getting Lily a pet and you know how Mitchell is, always saying no because Jay -- oh hi, Jay!"
"Jay, go back to the kitchen!" Gloria says. "Cameron was about to tell me another way you are going to traumatize Manny for life."
"Traumatize doesn't have as many syllables as you think it does," Jay comments.
"And me, you are traumatizing me and Manny, go on, vete!"
"If Mitch just told you about the flamenco lessons, don't listen to him," Jay says as he edges back into the kitchen. "Red shoes with his coloring? Come on. Even I know that's a mistake."
"…I will ask later," Cam says slowly, and then takes Gloria's hands in his own. "Oh, Gloria, I -- can you do me a favor? Until Christmas?"
"Do you need me to hide the kitten in your purse?" Gloria asks, motioning towards the mewing bag at Cam's side.
"It's a little baby calico that a girl with a box was giving away and it has all its shots but the little girl was allergic and I couldn't just leave him there!"
"Mitch is going to kill you," Gloria says. "So I will hide your kitten until he does."
"I just have to convince him it's a good idea!" Cam says. "He'll love Catonio Banderas when he sees him."
"That is a terrible name," Gloria says as she takes the bag from Cam. "In Spanish, you name pets after what they look like."
They carefully remove the kitten from the carrying case and Gloria holds him up so they can look at him.
"This one looks like…"
"Mr. Fuzzfeet," Cam says.
"I was thinking Lazy-eye," Gloria replies. "It sounds better in Spanish. Or Hobbleyleg. See? Because that leg looks shorter than the other. Oh, or -- how do you say it -- dirty butt, because he has a brown butt, like from poop."
"Please don't name our cat," Cam pleads.
"Look, it won't be Fliza Minnelli, but it will work for your little cat," she insists. She cradles the kitten like a baby and says, "Oh, or a name that means the opposite of what the cat is, like big monster cat or the ugliest one."
"Spanish actually has a word for that?" Cam asks. "I'm a little impressed, I won't lie."
"I'm going to call you Manchita for now," Gloria says to the kitten. "Because you have a little stain on your face and because you are so tiny."
"Gloria, you didn't just get a cat, did you?" Jay calls from the kitchen.
"Ay, Jay, why would I do that without talking to you?" Gloria calls back. "It's a kitten and it's only until Christmas."
They walk to the kitchen where Jay has acquired a sandwich and eyes the kitten in Gloria's arms suspiciously.
"Is that for you guys?" Jay asks.
"Mitchell and I talked about it, a little," Cam says slowly. "He said no dogs and is this a terrible idea? This isn't a dog! It's only the sweetest little kitten I've ever met! Will he freak out and abduct Lily and force me to star in the gritty, fantastic gay reboot of Not Without My Daughter?"
"Cam, does that sound like the Mitchell we all know and love?" Jay asks. "He's much more likely to sit in his room and sulk for three days, but he won't be mad at you. Just sneak him the DVD of Funny Girl under the door and he'll come out when he's ready."
"You really are a good dad, Jay," Cam says.
"I like to think I know my son after 32 years of dealing with his crap," Jay sighs. "Now what's the cat's name again?"
"Manchita. It means Little Stain Face," Gloria declares.
"Of course it does," he replies.
*
"I always wanted a deer as a kid," Alex says. "Not a reindeer, but just a regular deer. They're really my kind of animal, especially stags -- they stay with their mom and siblings only until they learn to search for food for themselves, and then they wander off on their own and only come back to mate when absolutely necessary. Like, there's no deer homecoming dances, or deer Valentine's candy exchanges, or deer yearbooks, you know? Deer don't care about stupid things like that. It's pretty awesome."
Haley pokes her head into the living room and adds, "You can also buy deer jerky in bulk."
"I am scanning every baby picture of you I can find and putting them on Facebook!" Alex yells.
"If you put something on Facebook but you have no friends on Facebook, did you actually put it on Facebook?" Haley replies.
Alex bites her lower lip and leaves the living room, allowing Haley to enter and primly take a seat on the couch.
"So, I think I'd be a swan. Oh, maybe a black swan. I just saw that movie -- this new guy I'm seeing snuck me in, it was so romantic -- the sneaking in, I mean, not the movie itself. It was a little weird. I think that's why I can't be a ballet dancer -- like, the costumes and make up and being thin and beautiful, that's fine, but I'm not really into girls like that. Or French guys. Or dancing. Or living with my mom when I'm Natalie Portman's age."
*
"Claire, I need a favor."
"That's a dog, Mitchell."
"I know that's a dog."
"That is like, the tiniest dog I have ever seen. Ever. I have wallets bigger than that dog." Claire leans against the door frame and sighs deeply. "What did you name it?"
"Toy Bolton."
"Oh my God."
"And I told Cam, I told him, we can't get a dog, Lily's too young, Dad will probably kill it, or maybe I'll kill it, but I went to the pet store just to look and someone had dropped off this little purebred angel and how could I just leave it there? How, Claire? Look at him. Look at Toy Bolton and tell him he should be in a cage unloved all day long."
"First of all -- don't think I can't smell your projecting from three counties away," Claire says. "Secondly -- oh my God, you got a dog without telling Cam? Who are you, Phil?"
"You just need to hide it until Christmas, that's all!" Mitchell shrieks. "Just put it in the yard, or --"
"Your yard is so much bigger than ours! You can just flip a bowl over and catch him inside."
"I kind of wonder every day that Haley and Alex haven't eaten you yet."
"They're smart girls," Claire laughs. "You don't bite the hand that cooks, cleans, does your laundry, drives you to school, dispenses money, and stops their father from driving them to school on Internet-recognized holidays." She considers it for a moment and adds, "Okay, maybe you do bite occasionally, but never sever and consume. Just -- gnaw gently."
"Please take this puppy and keep it safe until Christmas," Mitchell pleads.
"Or until you freak out and return it to the store in fifteen minutes," Claire clarifies.
"Yeah, that's really likely," Mitchell says as he takes a deep breath. "Okay, here I go to lie to my boyfriend and our child."
"Have fun with that! It gets easier every time!"
*
"I honestly don't know if I can ever have another pet," Manny says. "Right now, the pain is still fresh from Shel's sudden death. And…" He sighs and looks down at the carpet, then back up again. "And the other day, I saw a turtle in the pet store window and I wondered -- what if? What if? And I felt -- it felt like Shel had died all over again, but this time? It was because of my betrayal."
Manny takes a deep breath and says, "Excuse me, please. I need to be alone for a while."
*
"So, yeah," Mitchell says. "Christmas morning was kind of a disaster -- I did what Claire did and went over to her house to get Toy Bolton really early in the morning --"
"And then you trapped him under a pot in the backyard for a few hours before shoving him into a semi-ventilated box --"
"You smuggled a kitten from Gloria's house in a flan dish!"
"He was shedding in my bag," Cam sighs. "Anyway, and so there we were, each about to do our big reveals with Lily under the tree --"
*
"Lily," Mitchell says in a sing-song tone. "Come on, honey, don't you want to play with the bear? Come on, just grab him, or maybe you want the poetry blocks?"
"By the way," Cam says as he gets up to head into the kitchen. "Snob."
"There's a young writers' fellowship at Amherst that she can totally get a leg up on," Mitchell replies. "She's so fussy and I know she's always a little phlegmmy in the morning, but this -- seems like a lot?"
"Really?" Cam asks from the kitchen.
"Yeah, come here, and her eyes are red, too. Do we have -- like, drops or something? Go grab the computer and see what --"
Suddenly, there's the sound of a dish breaking in the kitchen and Lily begins to wail, burying her red and snotty face in Mitchell's shirt. Mitchell scoops her up and heads into the kitchen, where there's a cat sitting in a bowl on the counter, and the remains of another dish all over the floor.
"Oh no," Mitchell says. "She's allergic to cats."
"Yeah," Cam says when he walks back into the kitchen, broom and dustpan in tow. "So -- surprise! I guess I'll -- he's been with Gloria and Jay this whole time, and maybe they want to keep him?"
"Uh, I doubt it," Mitchell says. "You know how my dad is about pets, apparently."
"Little Stain Face has been there --"
"Wait, what's his name?"
"It sounds better in Spanish," Cam waves off. "But he's been at your dad's for a few days and he's perfectly fine!"
"Maybe it's a slow release poison," Mitchell muses. He holds Lily closer and says, "Cam."
"I'm so sorry about the kitten, I am," Cam continues. "I just thought, you know, I saw this little cat in a box and he had all his shots but --"
"Cam, there's a puppy in the backyard," Mitchell admits. "I named him Toy Bolton and what if Lily's allergic, too, and even if she's not, it doesn't seem fair that my crazy impulse purchase is the one we keep while Lily's allergic to yours!"
"It's not fair, but maybe this is how our family gets its first pet," Cam says.
Mitchell softens even more and beams at Cam. "Our family. Yeah, maybe -- maybe Toy Bolton will work out."
"Toy Bolton?" Cam says. "Really. Really. Came out to your dad three times?"
"Shut up," Mitchell laughs as he takes the long way out the kitchen -- to Cam for a quick kiss, then out the other door to the yard where Toy Bolton should have still been in his big box with holes in it.
"Cam," Mitchell calls through the house. "The box is empty."
"What? What box?"
"Toy Bolton escaped! How did that -- I only put him out there when you were out at my dad's, couldn't have been more than an hour!"
The phone rings, of course, and it's Claire, shrieking already.
"You found Toy Bolton!" Mitchell shrieks into the phone. "Oh good, he's not dead! What? Claire, what is it? Did he lose a tiny leg? Oh don't tell me that!" Mitchell whines.
"Don't tell Gloria, either!" Cam yells. "She'll find some horrible Spanish word for it, like little limping ugly sadness!"
"Oh," Mitchell says. "That's… nice for Luke. Wait, what? Really? You -- yeah, I -- I guess? We just found out Lily is allergic to cats -- I don't know, something in Spanish."
"Little Stain Face," Cam says.
"We'll see you later, okay, and you enjoy Toy Bolton. Yeah. Tell the kids Merry Christmas and we're totally returning the presents, since they got a dog and all." Mitchell hangs up and adjusts his hold on Lily as he turns to look at Cam.
"They're keeping the dog? But Claire hates dogs, and most things that make people happy!"
"Well, her only condition like, ever, with the kids having a dog is that they'd have to walk it and take care of it," Mitchell says. "And she was about to go get the dog and, her words, drop kick the lint ball back to my junior prom, but Luke was already out on the trampoline, cleaning up its poop."
"… It's a Christmas miracle…?" Cam says hesitantly.
"I guess so?" Mitchell says. "Not going to lie, I'm a little disappointed -- you would have loved Toy Bolton."
"You would have loved Little Stain Face," Cam replies.
"We probably would have had to rename Little Stain Face to something else," Mitchell considers. "Like Walter Catthau."
"You can do better," Cam says. "But Merry Christmas anyway."
"Merry Christmas, Cam," Mitchell says, and they kiss again before retreating back to the tree in their living room to open the rest of the presents.
It lasts a good 20 seconds until Little Stain Face wanders out of the kitchen towards the crowd at the tree, and Cam has to scoop him up and drive him to a shelter while Mitchell puts Lily back in her room and vacuums every inch of the house.
*
"So we're not going to make that mistake this year!" Mitchell declares. "No, sir. No surprise pets."
"Not even a lizard or a goldfish or a parrot or anything," Cam agrees.
"Not even if there's a corgi puppy for sale from the breeders down the street and we can name it Zacorgi Quinto," Mitchell adds. "Not even then. Nope. That's not going to happen. It's really not, because Lily should learn responsibility and to take care of her dog, and corgis need so much attention."
Cam stares at Mitchell, who stares back after a moment and then buries his face in Cam's shoulder to muffle his whines of how pointy the puppy's ears are and how good they are with kids and with a name like Zacorgi Quinto, who was so good on that Tori Spelling show, it has to be fate, right?
screamlet
Fandom: Modern Family (TV)
Rating: General Audiences
Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Mitchell Pritchett/Cameron Tucker
Summary: Cameron and Mitchell recount Lily's first Christmas.
Notes: For candesgirl! As part of my million-day ficmas prompts, particularly: Can I get a Cam/Mitchell bit of utter Christmas FLUFF? Something set on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning, maybe a take on Gift of the Magi? This is kind of like that, but a little more ridiculous! AND THANK YOU TO bogged, who contributed with one ridiculous pet name at the very very end.
"Uh," Mitchell begins. "Lily's first Christmas with us… didn't exactly go as we planned? Like… at all?"
"But Mitchell's only saying that because…"
Cam pauses and thinks about it for a few long moments, and then adds, "No, he's right, it didn't go right at all. In any sense of the word."
*
"What if we get her a puppy?" Cam asks one day. "What if this is the Christmas we get her a puppy?"
"…No?"
"Why not?"
"Well, okay, if we get her a puppy now when she's a year and a half old and she can't remember it, what about later when she can and --"
"We can get more than one puppy."
"Mmm, no," Mitchell says, and he scoops up Lily as if to prove some kind of point. "I know you. I see it in your eyes. It starts with one puppy, then it's another puppy for the first puppy to take care of, and then we're living on Brokeback Mountain."
Cam crosses his arms over his chest, tilts his head, and then says, "And what's the problem?"
*
"One sheep does not a cowboy make," Cam says. "They're sheepherders, Mitchell. Not cowboys. That always bothered me. Still does."
"One sheep puts us on the Neighborhood Watch list -- as in, the Neighborhood Watch will watch us, and we won't be invited to their potlucks anymore."
"As if they could turn away the Tucker Family Biscuits," Cam scoffs.
"Yup. That's -- that's where their priorities are. Your family's biscuit recipe."
"You still don't know the secret ingredient and with that kind of skepticism? I'm not sure Momma will ever let me share it."
"Secret ingredient: my quintuple bypass."
"David Letterman survived one --"
"He's David Letterman, what can't he survive? David Letterman will still be hosting Late Night for our alien overlords six hundred years from now." Mitchell sighs and adds, "Weren't we talking about last Christmas?"
"Right, right," Cam sighs. "Anyway. So Mitchell said no puppy --"
*
"I just." Mitchell cradles Lily closer and presses his lips to her hair. "The thing about pets is that -- well. Pets die."
"…is that what this is about?" Cam asks. "Mitchell, you're not going to kill Lily's pets!"
"Uh, no, but my dad might," Mitchell says.
*
"I've got tons of photo albums from when I was growing up of me and my brother with all our dogs and cats," Jay says. "Guess how many of them flew into a ceiling fan to get away from night after night of re-enacting scenes from the life of Liza Minnelli, starring a snake as her mother."
*
"He made Zsa Zsa little hats," Claire says. "I thought it was cute. You know, that our mother taught him how to sew, and taught me to look for wedding band tan lines on men's hands." She thinks for a moment and adds, "She probably taught Mitchell that, too." She grins and says, "Oh, Mom! What a giver!"
*
"Besides, she gets enough… animal exposure, I guess… at school! Wagon Wheel! Duckies! They don't have a dance studio or video conference play dates with their sister school in Argentina, but they have duckies."
"Get enough irony in there?" Cam asks. "Because I think three professional ballet dancers just had their anemia cured from that comment."
"Aw," Mitchell coos. "Next time I'll ask the Giving Hawk to bring them some supplements instead."
Cam rolls his eyes and says excitedly, "Speaking of maize -- should we have tamales for lunch?"
"I don't know…" Mitchell says slowly, but then it's too late -- Cam glares, takes Lily from his arms, and heads outside with her to play in the castle.
*
"Oh yeah, I had tons of dogs growing up," Phil says. "Not like, all at once -- and not one for a few years and then another -- I kind of just liked taking dogs to my room and holding them until my dad found us? Dogs, they just -- they really got me, you know? It's a feeling I tried to evoke in high school with my magic."
*
"Well, I grew up on a farm --"
"Not sure if he ever mentioned that," Mitchell interrupts. "He's from the country, you see. He's from a farm."
"I grew up on a farm," Cam repeats. "So we had three cows, two horses, at least fifteen chickens, four pigs that then became a family of eleven when Susie had her litter that one year and then -- well, you know pigs --"
"Yeah. We do."
Cam gives him a look and Mitchell smiles in return.
"Then there were the five barn cats, the two house cats and oh those cats just did not get along --"
"Fun fact," Mitchell interrupts. "Cam's favorite musical growing up was not Doctor Dolittle."
"It was Seven Brides for Seven Brothers," Cam says. "Even if I couldn't identify with such a romanticized portrayal of Stockholm Syndrome, the costumes were just great and so was the choreography!"
Mitchell crosses one leg over the other and mouths BEARDS while motioning to himself, and fails to notice Cam watching him from the corner of his eye very skeptically.
*
Gloria opens the door for Cam, who rushes in with a large canvas bag slung across his chest and seems a little hysterical.
"Gloria, Gloria, I think I made a huge mistake!" he cries. "Mitchell and I were talking about getting Lily a pet and you know how Mitchell is, always saying no because Jay -- oh hi, Jay!"
"Jay, go back to the kitchen!" Gloria says. "Cameron was about to tell me another way you are going to traumatize Manny for life."
"Traumatize doesn't have as many syllables as you think it does," Jay comments.
"And me, you are traumatizing me and Manny, go on, vete!"
"If Mitch just told you about the flamenco lessons, don't listen to him," Jay says as he edges back into the kitchen. "Red shoes with his coloring? Come on. Even I know that's a mistake."
"…I will ask later," Cam says slowly, and then takes Gloria's hands in his own. "Oh, Gloria, I -- can you do me a favor? Until Christmas?"
"Do you need me to hide the kitten in your purse?" Gloria asks, motioning towards the mewing bag at Cam's side.
"It's a little baby calico that a girl with a box was giving away and it has all its shots but the little girl was allergic and I couldn't just leave him there!"
"Mitch is going to kill you," Gloria says. "So I will hide your kitten until he does."
"I just have to convince him it's a good idea!" Cam says. "He'll love Catonio Banderas when he sees him."
"That is a terrible name," Gloria says as she takes the bag from Cam. "In Spanish, you name pets after what they look like."
They carefully remove the kitten from the carrying case and Gloria holds him up so they can look at him.
"This one looks like…"
"Mr. Fuzzfeet," Cam says.
"I was thinking Lazy-eye," Gloria replies. "It sounds better in Spanish. Or Hobbleyleg. See? Because that leg looks shorter than the other. Oh, or -- how do you say it -- dirty butt, because he has a brown butt, like from poop."
"Please don't name our cat," Cam pleads.
"Look, it won't be Fliza Minnelli, but it will work for your little cat," she insists. She cradles the kitten like a baby and says, "Oh, or a name that means the opposite of what the cat is, like big monster cat or the ugliest one."
"Spanish actually has a word for that?" Cam asks. "I'm a little impressed, I won't lie."
"I'm going to call you Manchita for now," Gloria says to the kitten. "Because you have a little stain on your face and because you are so tiny."
"Gloria, you didn't just get a cat, did you?" Jay calls from the kitchen.
"Ay, Jay, why would I do that without talking to you?" Gloria calls back. "It's a kitten and it's only until Christmas."
They walk to the kitchen where Jay has acquired a sandwich and eyes the kitten in Gloria's arms suspiciously.
"Is that for you guys?" Jay asks.
"Mitchell and I talked about it, a little," Cam says slowly. "He said no dogs and is this a terrible idea? This isn't a dog! It's only the sweetest little kitten I've ever met! Will he freak out and abduct Lily and force me to star in the gritty, fantastic gay reboot of Not Without My Daughter?"
"Cam, does that sound like the Mitchell we all know and love?" Jay asks. "He's much more likely to sit in his room and sulk for three days, but he won't be mad at you. Just sneak him the DVD of Funny Girl under the door and he'll come out when he's ready."
"You really are a good dad, Jay," Cam says.
"I like to think I know my son after 32 years of dealing with his crap," Jay sighs. "Now what's the cat's name again?"
"Manchita. It means Little Stain Face," Gloria declares.
"Of course it does," he replies.
*
"I always wanted a deer as a kid," Alex says. "Not a reindeer, but just a regular deer. They're really my kind of animal, especially stags -- they stay with their mom and siblings only until they learn to search for food for themselves, and then they wander off on their own and only come back to mate when absolutely necessary. Like, there's no deer homecoming dances, or deer Valentine's candy exchanges, or deer yearbooks, you know? Deer don't care about stupid things like that. It's pretty awesome."
Haley pokes her head into the living room and adds, "You can also buy deer jerky in bulk."
"I am scanning every baby picture of you I can find and putting them on Facebook!" Alex yells.
"If you put something on Facebook but you have no friends on Facebook, did you actually put it on Facebook?" Haley replies.
Alex bites her lower lip and leaves the living room, allowing Haley to enter and primly take a seat on the couch.
"So, I think I'd be a swan. Oh, maybe a black swan. I just saw that movie -- this new guy I'm seeing snuck me in, it was so romantic -- the sneaking in, I mean, not the movie itself. It was a little weird. I think that's why I can't be a ballet dancer -- like, the costumes and make up and being thin and beautiful, that's fine, but I'm not really into girls like that. Or French guys. Or dancing. Or living with my mom when I'm Natalie Portman's age."
*
"Claire, I need a favor."
"That's a dog, Mitchell."
"I know that's a dog."
"That is like, the tiniest dog I have ever seen. Ever. I have wallets bigger than that dog." Claire leans against the door frame and sighs deeply. "What did you name it?"
"Toy Bolton."
"Oh my God."
"And I told Cam, I told him, we can't get a dog, Lily's too young, Dad will probably kill it, or maybe I'll kill it, but I went to the pet store just to look and someone had dropped off this little purebred angel and how could I just leave it there? How, Claire? Look at him. Look at Toy Bolton and tell him he should be in a cage unloved all day long."
"First of all -- don't think I can't smell your projecting from three counties away," Claire says. "Secondly -- oh my God, you got a dog without telling Cam? Who are you, Phil?"
"You just need to hide it until Christmas, that's all!" Mitchell shrieks. "Just put it in the yard, or --"
"Your yard is so much bigger than ours! You can just flip a bowl over and catch him inside."
"I kind of wonder every day that Haley and Alex haven't eaten you yet."
"They're smart girls," Claire laughs. "You don't bite the hand that cooks, cleans, does your laundry, drives you to school, dispenses money, and stops their father from driving them to school on Internet-recognized holidays." She considers it for a moment and adds, "Okay, maybe you do bite occasionally, but never sever and consume. Just -- gnaw gently."
"Please take this puppy and keep it safe until Christmas," Mitchell pleads.
"Or until you freak out and return it to the store in fifteen minutes," Claire clarifies.
"Yeah, that's really likely," Mitchell says as he takes a deep breath. "Okay, here I go to lie to my boyfriend and our child."
"Have fun with that! It gets easier every time!"
*
"I honestly don't know if I can ever have another pet," Manny says. "Right now, the pain is still fresh from Shel's sudden death. And…" He sighs and looks down at the carpet, then back up again. "And the other day, I saw a turtle in the pet store window and I wondered -- what if? What if? And I felt -- it felt like Shel had died all over again, but this time? It was because of my betrayal."
Manny takes a deep breath and says, "Excuse me, please. I need to be alone for a while."
*
"So, yeah," Mitchell says. "Christmas morning was kind of a disaster -- I did what Claire did and went over to her house to get Toy Bolton really early in the morning --"
"And then you trapped him under a pot in the backyard for a few hours before shoving him into a semi-ventilated box --"
"You smuggled a kitten from Gloria's house in a flan dish!"
"He was shedding in my bag," Cam sighs. "Anyway, and so there we were, each about to do our big reveals with Lily under the tree --"
*
"Lily," Mitchell says in a sing-song tone. "Come on, honey, don't you want to play with the bear? Come on, just grab him, or maybe you want the poetry blocks?"
"By the way," Cam says as he gets up to head into the kitchen. "Snob."
"There's a young writers' fellowship at Amherst that she can totally get a leg up on," Mitchell replies. "She's so fussy and I know she's always a little phlegmmy in the morning, but this -- seems like a lot?"
"Really?" Cam asks from the kitchen.
"Yeah, come here, and her eyes are red, too. Do we have -- like, drops or something? Go grab the computer and see what --"
Suddenly, there's the sound of a dish breaking in the kitchen and Lily begins to wail, burying her red and snotty face in Mitchell's shirt. Mitchell scoops her up and heads into the kitchen, where there's a cat sitting in a bowl on the counter, and the remains of another dish all over the floor.
"Oh no," Mitchell says. "She's allergic to cats."
"Yeah," Cam says when he walks back into the kitchen, broom and dustpan in tow. "So -- surprise! I guess I'll -- he's been with Gloria and Jay this whole time, and maybe they want to keep him?"
"Uh, I doubt it," Mitchell says. "You know how my dad is about pets, apparently."
"Little Stain Face has been there --"
"Wait, what's his name?"
"It sounds better in Spanish," Cam waves off. "But he's been at your dad's for a few days and he's perfectly fine!"
"Maybe it's a slow release poison," Mitchell muses. He holds Lily closer and says, "Cam."
"I'm so sorry about the kitten, I am," Cam continues. "I just thought, you know, I saw this little cat in a box and he had all his shots but --"
"Cam, there's a puppy in the backyard," Mitchell admits. "I named him Toy Bolton and what if Lily's allergic, too, and even if she's not, it doesn't seem fair that my crazy impulse purchase is the one we keep while Lily's allergic to yours!"
"It's not fair, but maybe this is how our family gets its first pet," Cam says.
Mitchell softens even more and beams at Cam. "Our family. Yeah, maybe -- maybe Toy Bolton will work out."
"Toy Bolton?" Cam says. "Really. Really. Came out to your dad three times?"
"Shut up," Mitchell laughs as he takes the long way out the kitchen -- to Cam for a quick kiss, then out the other door to the yard where Toy Bolton should have still been in his big box with holes in it.
"Cam," Mitchell calls through the house. "The box is empty."
"What? What box?"
"Toy Bolton escaped! How did that -- I only put him out there when you were out at my dad's, couldn't have been more than an hour!"
The phone rings, of course, and it's Claire, shrieking already.
"You found Toy Bolton!" Mitchell shrieks into the phone. "Oh good, he's not dead! What? Claire, what is it? Did he lose a tiny leg? Oh don't tell me that!" Mitchell whines.
"Don't tell Gloria, either!" Cam yells. "She'll find some horrible Spanish word for it, like little limping ugly sadness!"
"Oh," Mitchell says. "That's… nice for Luke. Wait, what? Really? You -- yeah, I -- I guess? We just found out Lily is allergic to cats -- I don't know, something in Spanish."
"Little Stain Face," Cam says.
"We'll see you later, okay, and you enjoy Toy Bolton. Yeah. Tell the kids Merry Christmas and we're totally returning the presents, since they got a dog and all." Mitchell hangs up and adjusts his hold on Lily as he turns to look at Cam.
"They're keeping the dog? But Claire hates dogs, and most things that make people happy!"
"Well, her only condition like, ever, with the kids having a dog is that they'd have to walk it and take care of it," Mitchell says. "And she was about to go get the dog and, her words, drop kick the lint ball back to my junior prom, but Luke was already out on the trampoline, cleaning up its poop."
"… It's a Christmas miracle…?" Cam says hesitantly.
"I guess so?" Mitchell says. "Not going to lie, I'm a little disappointed -- you would have loved Toy Bolton."
"You would have loved Little Stain Face," Cam replies.
"We probably would have had to rename Little Stain Face to something else," Mitchell considers. "Like Walter Catthau."
"You can do better," Cam says. "But Merry Christmas anyway."
"Merry Christmas, Cam," Mitchell says, and they kiss again before retreating back to the tree in their living room to open the rest of the presents.
It lasts a good 20 seconds until Little Stain Face wanders out of the kitchen towards the crowd at the tree, and Cam has to scoop him up and drive him to a shelter while Mitchell puts Lily back in her room and vacuums every inch of the house.
*
"So we're not going to make that mistake this year!" Mitchell declares. "No, sir. No surprise pets."
"Not even a lizard or a goldfish or a parrot or anything," Cam agrees.
"Not even if there's a corgi puppy for sale from the breeders down the street and we can name it Zacorgi Quinto," Mitchell adds. "Not even then. Nope. That's not going to happen. It's really not, because Lily should learn responsibility and to take care of her dog, and corgis need so much attention."
Cam stares at Mitchell, who stares back after a moment and then buries his face in Cam's shoulder to muffle his whines of how pointy the puppy's ears are and how good they are with kids and with a name like Zacorgi Quinto, who was so good on that Tori Spelling show, it has to be fate, right?