"ficmas card claim post" what does it MEAN
While the AO3 crashes and burns from yuletide signups, I will bow to peer pressure from zap_rousdar and steal this thing from her and bogged.
~*HAPPY FICMAS CARD CLAIM POST*~
Instead of sending holiday cards, I want to write you a story. It will be at least 500 words, knowing me probably at least 2 or 3 thousand words. If you don't celebrate Christmas, it will be a ( Read more... )
~*HAPPY FICMAS CARD CLAIM POST*~
Instead of sending holiday cards, I want to write you a story. It will be at least 500 words, knowing me probably at least 2 or 3 thousand words. If you don't celebrate Christmas, it will be a ( Read more... )
I do Christmas as a commercial, secular holiday. ;)
Kirk/Spock. Either Vulcan misconceptions (*coughs* gossip) about human sexual practices and how they're freaky/weird/loud/scary, leading to Spock being utterly confused during their first time and wondering is Jim holding back for his sake/when is shit going to get weird/is Jim's sexuality abnormal. Alternatively, something about how Vulcans, for such an uptight species, have absolutely no body shame or desire for privacy, so when Jim and Spock are being transported on a Vulcan science vessel, they sleep in communal quarters, and none of the Vulcans, including Spock, think it's out of the ordinary for them to have (quiet) sex in a room full of other people. Jim tries really, really hard for Spock's sake and because, well, he doesn't want all these distinguished scientists seeing the human freak out! And maybe he could get into this kind of thing. Yeah.
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“You’re talking, I fail,” Jim replies as he covers his face with a pillow. The three-second post-orgasm delay then has him tossing the pillow off and asking (three seconds later), “Wait, what? What color -- holy shit, you haven’t come yet is yours purple?”
“I am unsure of what elements would have to be present in my body to produce purple semen,” Spock muses as he looks down at his semi-erect cock.
“What hue of purple are we talking? Also, if I ever come red or pink -- take me to Bones. It means something’s really wrong. Anyway, come on,” and Jim shifts into a whine, “Let me see your jizz.”
“I have questions,” Spock says. “I was given to understand that...”
Jim tries not to sigh because apparently sex will be put on hold in favor of scientific inquiry, though the edge is dulled a little by his own afterglow. He sits up against the headboard while Spock sits crosslegged across from him, considering his words carefully.
“What did the crazy people tell you about Terrans, Spock?”
“Is there not... how do I describe this...”
“The prostate is wonderful; I meant to applaud you on finding that so quickly,” Jim replies.
“Anatomical fauna,” Spock finishes.
Jim tilts his head and stares for a moment, then shakes his head.
“Perhaps this feature is a recessive trait that, in your area of the planet --”
“Are you -- what are you saying, Spock.”
“I was given to understand,” and Spock totally just sighed right there, “That as a human approaches climax, an organ which closely resembles Terran fauna emerges from the rectum --”
“OH HELL NO,” Jim shouts. “No, Spock, no, you’re half-human, we do not have plants in our rectums.”
“There is no reason to be upset,” Spock replies, and Jim sighs some more because now he’s doing the hurt puppy staring down at his hands routine and fuck he is going to be the death of Jim. “I was --”
“I’m not upset at you, I’m just going to kill those motherfuckers who -- plants?”
“With tendrils that react to --”
“NO,” Jim interrupts. “Next question. Actually, one of mine: give me names. I need to hunt people down.” Jim pulls his knees up to his chest and closes his eyes. “This is not how the first time was supposed to go, Spock. Fucking -- fucking sex tendrils and mystery-colored jizz, fuck.”
“I was also given to understand that human penises were much larger than the Vulcan average,” Spock adds, and then corrects when Jim makes a face, “Not that -- I forgot a certain element of human male self-worth is attached to the length and girth of --”
“You never like, looked this up?” Jim asks. “Or like, didn’t your parents give you a book or a datachip or something about this?”
“Sexual matters are particularly private in Vulcan culture,” Spock replies. “It would not have felt right to --”
“So my dick is disappointing?” Jim asks. “I mean, it’s not, because there is such a thing as freakishly, terrifyingly big and I don’t think you want that in you, but. Yeah.” Jim straightens his legs out and tries not to feel too exposed as Spock stares at his dick. “This is a little above average length, and erect it’s a -- it’s got some decent girth, so far as I’ve measured in my, uh, exploits with other guys.”
“And I am pleased to note that your penis is not encased in a petals or other semi-conscious tendrils.”
Jim can only stare and ask, after several long seconds, “Is there anything I need to know about your junk?”
“My genitalia?” Jim can’t help grinning to himself and pulling his knees up again so he can lean on them and watch Spock consider the question with his usual care and thoroughness. “The double ridges? I believe in all other respects, now that I have seen a Terran male intimately, we are nearly identical in anatomical structure.”
“Come here,” Jim says, and he ignores his own request to slide over to Spock, taking his dick in hand. “I think your double ridges are going to be just fucking amazing, but we’ll never know unless we try, right?”
Spock gasps as Jim runs his thumb along the ridges and thumbs the slit, and Jim adds, “Also, don’t tell me what color your semen is. Lunch tomorrow is on me if it’s spring holiday green. Like, pastel green.”
“Your dedication to science and inquiry is awe-inspiring.”
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I adore that the first thing Jim assumed was that it would be purple. Nothing between "I don't know what colour his semen is" to "it must be purple!" just an expressway right through.
“What did the crazy people tell you about Terrans, Spock?”
AH. YES. This means that these misinformed episodes have happened before! That sound you heard just now? That was me shrieking in glee (shrieking because I was shocked at the amount of (potentially hilarious) backstory that one sentence crammed into my head).
"I meant to applaud you on finding that so quickly."
*smothering laughter*
"OH HELL NO"
*failing hard at smothering laughter*
"With tendrils that react to --"
*wheezing like a hyena*
"and erect it’s a--"
I want to know what Jim was going to say here, mostly because he stopped to correct himself. That says a thousand words right there. (And it's probably something ridiculously obvious, but I don't get it. And that was almost definitely not supposed to be the point of the story that I would obsess over, I know.)
"And I am pleased to note that your penis is not encased in a petals or other semi-conscious tendrils."
O HAI THAR, is that a crack I see you taking at other Spock!cock fiction? XDDDD The sad thing is that I can think of at least three different stories that include exactly this.
FOR EVERYTHING ELSE, SEE ICON. SO, BASICALLY: THIS. SO MUCH THIS. *glomps* IT IS EVERYTHING I WANTED. LUNCH TOMORROW IS ON ME IF THIS TURNS OUT TO BE THE MOST AWESOME GIFT I GET THIS YEAR. *beams*
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THE WHOLE THING IS A CRACK AT SPOCK!COCK. TENDRILS AND PLANTS AND SHIT. I'd go off on a cultural studies rant about how the gossipy exoticiziation of other species is a way for one culture to distance themselves from another and make themselves feel superior to that foreign culture (like the ancient Greeks giving all their statues small penises to show that their culture was all about intellect, rather than an animalistic bent towards humping with their giant mammoth dicks), buuuut it's really early in the morning for that.
ANYWAY LONG COMMENT IS LONG, I'M GLAD YOU ENJOYED IT!!!!!
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.....YELLOW.
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DR.SCREAMLET MD
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So this is me, cursing YouTube for not making TOS episodes available in Canada. :(
BUT OH MY GOD YOUR FILL, ON THE OTHER HAND, IT IS AWESOME. LET ME COMMENT ON IT NOW.
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The privacy thing is why the "Amok Time"/Spock talking to Jim about pon farr is such an oft-used trope? Spock spends the first quarter of the episode being batshit insane and refusing to talk to anyone, but he finally tells Jim (and ONLY Jim) once his life is in danger? And then in other episodes, McCoy just yells about Vulcan biology being weird, and for two episodes there's a Vulcan specialist on board named M'Benga who had to actually study ON Vulcan to know wtf was going on with Spock medically. YOUR RAMBLY INTRODUCTION TO THE SECRETS OF VULCAN BIOLOGY. ENJOY.
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Wow, okay. Colour me very, very misguided. The weird thing about all the fics I've read discussing the trope is that they say it's all very private, but don't show it. I've never seen Spock displaying that same degree of reluctance. (Maybe I'm just not reading the right fics?) *bows* THIS CALLS FOR WIKIPEDIA.
ONTD_STARTREK OMG. *rushes off*
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