fic: verb a fist
Title: Verb a Fist
Fandom: Star Trek RPF
Pairing: Chris/Zach
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1500
Summary: Staying sane at the 2010 VMAs.
Notes: Told you I would. Like, 95% text messages and dialogue. (AO3)
You should have come; apparently any/all of my guests/bodyguards are allowed to pat down whoever they want back here.
first world problem: too many people touching me at this awards show i’m presenting at.
ok and you’re chris pine so it’s touching you and i might be alttle dunk.
A little dunk? Like those dunkaroos? I LIVED off those when I was a kid.
Dunkaeaht? spell check help me out. DUNK. A. ROO.
Get it? Because it was a kangaroo! Fave: chocolate and vanilla. Yours?
a: glad you’re open to diversity. b: you liked dipping your stick into sticky white stuff even as a kid? how did bob and gwynne never know?
1. I hate you. 2. I hate you. 3. You’re drunk already, I knew it! (Because of the dunkaroo comment, not this recent lucid one. Don’t call my dad Bob.)
stop judging!!!! angels opens in 2 days and i’m kind of a big deal.
Worry about me right now! One more rapper’s entourage wants to feel me up brb
Okay just saw all of that tiny lesbian’s male dancers walk by and they all like being fisted. All of them.
More evidence to support my theory that the Bieber kid is just some kind of hoax. He’s our Nessie.
wait what??? did thye like telle you?? hi captain kirk here’s some lube do you have 20 minutes?
Red handkerchiefs, right pockets. You need to be here. Or maybe you don’t. I don’t want to be the one who tells them about fisting.
what’s there to tell? make a fist. make it a verb. where can you verb a fist?
ok that made no sense but ive been ahving mimosaaaas all day. ALL DAY. CHRIS? ALL DAY. MIMOAASS.
mimosas.
I’m so proud of you. Like you have no idea how proud I am that you were able to spell ‘mimosas’ at your age.
And even with spell check’s help, it still took that long. I’m so proud.
Jjust fort that i’mg etting more like five more and will find someone to bloew me while i drink a mamososa. samoa.
brb rosario. SMART WATER YOU ARE MY LIFE
rrosario??? TELL HER I SAY HI IMSS HER
okay brb too getting a burger
Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK WE’RE INTRODUCING THAT GIRL. You know the one with Kanye?
Oh god did you die before you got to that burger? REMEMBER: COCK IS NOT A VIABLE FOOD SUBSTITUTE.
jesus christ stop typing loud. what girl? what kanye? kanye’s dating someone?
Taylor Swift.
Chris is mid-text message on his Blackberry, adding to his and Zach’s already infinite thread of messages, when the screen lights up and announces an Incoming Call from QUEENTO.
“Yellow?” Chris asks.
Zach laughs and laughs and laughs.
“Okay, Zach, I --”
He bursts out laughing again and Chris sighs.
“By the way, Rosie says hi.”
“Aw, hi Rosario! Don’t call her that to her face -- she’ll knife you.”
“What? No she wouldn’t.”
“I would dare you but I know you’d do it and then the next movie would have to have some ‘Captain Kirk’s awesome facial scarring’ subplot or whatever. Also, I don’t like scars.”
“How did you say all of that with your mouth full? Like, I hear the food, and I hear you talking -- how many things are you doing right now? You’re...”
“I’m what? Ooh, who’s walking by?” Zach asks. As it happens, Zach was walking back to his apartment after stopping at the diner a few blocks away for a boxed deluxe cheesburger with his name on it. Literally. And he was going to eat all of it. “Because that sounded like you’re not at liberty to talk--”
“Sorry, Gaga just won something and her people were like, literally carrying her back here.”
“Oh my God what was she wearing tell me everything.”
“Be more of a cliche, Zach.”
“Stop being a dick! You texted me! I kind of want to be there but not really.”
“No, you don’t, because -- okay, maybe if you were like, we could get away with you being all Sylar-creepy and eating that stupid girl’s brain.”
“You mean Ms. Swift?”
“Shit I think Rosie’s bringing --”
“Don’t call her that!”
“Whatever I’ll call you back!”
not drunk anymore!!!! food is so great. i love food. food yay food. oh brb tweeting
You needed to be right back because you’re tweeting?
YOU’RE NOT ANSWERING oh right you said brb
that’s why!! you don’t get an answer in like 40 seconds you freak out.
Look, I worry. You’re in the big scary city and slutting it up in those tank tops. I need to know you’re okay.
And speaking of slutting it up, I’m going to seduce Taylor Swift.
i will pay you a million dollars.
And? I won’t call her the next morning.
she is going to write so many songs about you. you’ll be the new dave coulier. girls at work-sponsored karaoke events will shout about your awfulness.
and EVERYONE WILL SING ALONG. YOU YOU YOU OUGHTA KNOW.
Keep your million. If she becomes the next Alanis, I am buying stock in that shit. And getting her pregnant.
we’re going to the bad place when we die.
I had to hear this girl rehearse. You have no idea what the bad place looks like, Zach.
Zach help I might actually do this.
you would not!!! she’s like fifteen.
She’s legal.
how legal? chris bad idea chris bad idea chris bad idea LOOK AT YOUR LIFE LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES
Thanks, sassy gay friend.
more importantly: you don’t want to be in the same category as a jonas brother. ‘boys taylor swift has written sad songs about’ i’d never talk to you again
also does she even know what irony is? like it’s not just you being horny&needing to fuck someone at an awards show (memories)
but it’s like, perfect thin beautiful white christian teen pop idol fucks 30-year-old man in a backstage closet. he didn’t & won’t put a ring on it. she’ll cry.
A closet? You picked the place?
well she’s not going to go into a men’s room with you. you can’t go to her dressing room. you don’t have a dressing room. maybe her limo? too much of a walk.
if she has time to walk with you to her limo, she has time to realize how stupid this is.
not that people have to be stupid to fuck you!!!
Too late. I’m crushed. I’ll never have sex again.
million dollars for your celibacy.
WHY do you suddenly have a million dollars to throw away?
i so don’t!
Okay shit just got real: St. Taylor came to find me and Rosario (yeah you were right I called her Rosie and she THREATENED MY LIFE) and now they’re talking Trek.
wait what? are you still THERE? WHY?
Good question. Just thought you should know. Rosie’s a dork and I told her about your offer: $1mil to fuck Taylor Swift into bitterness.
yeah seriously go home and i’ll put that on craigslist.
Jesus Christ limo traffic fuck everything. What are you doing tomorrow? Video chat date?
Fuck my life being dragged to parties.
‘whine whine whine,’ cries chris pine. he bat his eyelashes sadly and wept. ‘oh to be so beautiful but i cannot go home and read my books, forsooth.’
The fuck? 1. redundant, much? 2. where did you learn your old english? bugs bunny? 3. what?!
baby, just found pics of you from this shit because all this time you couldn’t TURN THE DAMN PHONE AROUND AND TAKE A PHOTO.
anyway you look like shit. glad to see your mom dressed you, alfalfa, but who the fuck thought your hair should be parted like that?
What’s wrong with my hair??
Dane Cook is getting the hint that there’s someone I’d like to bang tonight instead of going to after parties with him. Cause, you know, constant texting.
And what’s wrong with my hair???
uh you look like my grandfather. you look like everyone’s grandfather ever.
The word for that is ‘archetypal’.
the word for that is DOUCHE. i am so not video sexing you tonight.
Who said anything about that?? That was an option? You didn’t say! You were drunk like five minutes ago!
try three hours.
Same difference.
I’ll be home in 2 hrs or whenever DANE stops calling me whipped, pussy whipped, gay, and other things that I am but aren’t actually my name. Sweet guy. Besties.
you’re so cute. make it 1 hr, work tomorrow. dress rehearsal!! if he’s your bestie we’re over.
JEALOUS MUCH?
try me. 1 hr. ilu.
For the record, if I’m acting too old? You’re not 16. You THIRTY-THREE. Spell it out, bitch.
I LOVE YOU OKAY?
ilu2
I HATE YOU.
sorry, I H8 U. 45 mins
Fandom: Star Trek RPF
Pairing: Chris/Zach
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 1500
Summary: Staying sane at the 2010 VMAs.
Notes: Told you I would. Like, 95% text messages and dialogue. (AO3)
You should have come; apparently any/all of my guests/bodyguards are allowed to pat down whoever they want back here.
first world problem: too many people touching me at this awards show i’m presenting at.
ok and you’re chris pine so it’s touching you and i might be alttle dunk.
A little dunk? Like those dunkaroos? I LIVED off those when I was a kid.
Dunkaeaht? spell check help me out. DUNK. A. ROO.
Get it? Because it was a kangaroo! Fave: chocolate and vanilla. Yours?
a: glad you’re open to diversity. b: you liked dipping your stick into sticky white stuff even as a kid? how did bob and gwynne never know?
1. I hate you. 2. I hate you. 3. You’re drunk already, I knew it! (Because of the dunkaroo comment, not this recent lucid one. Don’t call my dad Bob.)
stop judging!!!! angels opens in 2 days and i’m kind of a big deal.
Worry about me right now! One more rapper’s entourage wants to feel me up brb
Okay just saw all of that tiny lesbian’s male dancers walk by and they all like being fisted. All of them.
More evidence to support my theory that the Bieber kid is just some kind of hoax. He’s our Nessie.
wait what??? did thye like telle you?? hi captain kirk here’s some lube do you have 20 minutes?
Red handkerchiefs, right pockets. You need to be here. Or maybe you don’t. I don’t want to be the one who tells them about fisting.
what’s there to tell? make a fist. make it a verb. where can you verb a fist?
ok that made no sense but ive been ahving mimosaaaas all day. ALL DAY. CHRIS? ALL DAY. MIMOAASS.
mimosas.
I’m so proud of you. Like you have no idea how proud I am that you were able to spell ‘mimosas’ at your age.
And even with spell check’s help, it still took that long. I’m so proud.
Jjust fort that i’mg etting more like five more and will find someone to bloew me while i drink a mamososa. samoa.
brb rosario. SMART WATER YOU ARE MY LIFE
rrosario??? TELL HER I SAY HI IMSS HER
okay brb too getting a burger
Fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK WE’RE INTRODUCING THAT GIRL. You know the one with Kanye?
Oh god did you die before you got to that burger? REMEMBER: COCK IS NOT A VIABLE FOOD SUBSTITUTE.
jesus christ stop typing loud. what girl? what kanye? kanye’s dating someone?
Taylor Swift.
Chris is mid-text message on his Blackberry, adding to his and Zach’s already infinite thread of messages, when the screen lights up and announces an Incoming Call from QUEENTO.
“Yellow?” Chris asks.
Zach laughs and laughs and laughs.
“Okay, Zach, I --”
He bursts out laughing again and Chris sighs.
“By the way, Rosie says hi.”
“Aw, hi Rosario! Don’t call her that to her face -- she’ll knife you.”
“What? No she wouldn’t.”
“I would dare you but I know you’d do it and then the next movie would have to have some ‘Captain Kirk’s awesome facial scarring’ subplot or whatever. Also, I don’t like scars.”
“How did you say all of that with your mouth full? Like, I hear the food, and I hear you talking -- how many things are you doing right now? You’re...”
“I’m what? Ooh, who’s walking by?” Zach asks. As it happens, Zach was walking back to his apartment after stopping at the diner a few blocks away for a boxed deluxe cheesburger with his name on it. Literally. And he was going to eat all of it. “Because that sounded like you’re not at liberty to talk--”
“Sorry, Gaga just won something and her people were like, literally carrying her back here.”
“Oh my God what was she wearing tell me everything.”
“Be more of a cliche, Zach.”
“Stop being a dick! You texted me! I kind of want to be there but not really.”
“No, you don’t, because -- okay, maybe if you were like, we could get away with you being all Sylar-creepy and eating that stupid girl’s brain.”
“You mean Ms. Swift?”
“Shit I think Rosie’s bringing --”
“Don’t call her that!”
“Whatever I’ll call you back!”
not drunk anymore!!!! food is so great. i love food. food yay food. oh brb tweeting
You needed to be right back because you’re tweeting?
YOU’RE NOT ANSWERING oh right you said brb
that’s why!! you don’t get an answer in like 40 seconds you freak out.
Look, I worry. You’re in the big scary city and slutting it up in those tank tops. I need to know you’re okay.
And speaking of slutting it up, I’m going to seduce Taylor Swift.
i will pay you a million dollars.
And? I won’t call her the next morning.
she is going to write so many songs about you. you’ll be the new dave coulier. girls at work-sponsored karaoke events will shout about your awfulness.
and EVERYONE WILL SING ALONG. YOU YOU YOU OUGHTA KNOW.
Keep your million. If she becomes the next Alanis, I am buying stock in that shit. And getting her pregnant.
we’re going to the bad place when we die.
I had to hear this girl rehearse. You have no idea what the bad place looks like, Zach.
Zach help I might actually do this.
you would not!!! she’s like fifteen.
She’s legal.
how legal? chris bad idea chris bad idea chris bad idea LOOK AT YOUR LIFE LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES
Thanks, sassy gay friend.
more importantly: you don’t want to be in the same category as a jonas brother. ‘boys taylor swift has written sad songs about’ i’d never talk to you again
also does she even know what irony is? like it’s not just you being horny&needing to fuck someone at an awards show (memories)
but it’s like, perfect thin beautiful white christian teen pop idol fucks 30-year-old man in a backstage closet. he didn’t & won’t put a ring on it. she’ll cry.
A closet? You picked the place?
well she’s not going to go into a men’s room with you. you can’t go to her dressing room. you don’t have a dressing room. maybe her limo? too much of a walk.
if she has time to walk with you to her limo, she has time to realize how stupid this is.
not that people have to be stupid to fuck you!!!
Too late. I’m crushed. I’ll never have sex again.
million dollars for your celibacy.
WHY do you suddenly have a million dollars to throw away?
i so don’t!
Okay shit just got real: St. Taylor came to find me and Rosario (yeah you were right I called her Rosie and she THREATENED MY LIFE) and now they’re talking Trek.
wait what? are you still THERE? WHY?
Good question. Just thought you should know. Rosie’s a dork and I told her about your offer: $1mil to fuck Taylor Swift into bitterness.
yeah seriously go home and i’ll put that on craigslist.
Jesus Christ limo traffic fuck everything. What are you doing tomorrow? Video chat date?
Fuck my life being dragged to parties.
‘whine whine whine,’ cries chris pine. he bat his eyelashes sadly and wept. ‘oh to be so beautiful but i cannot go home and read my books, forsooth.’
The fuck? 1. redundant, much? 2. where did you learn your old english? bugs bunny? 3. what?!
baby, just found pics of you from this shit because all this time you couldn’t TURN THE DAMN PHONE AROUND AND TAKE A PHOTO.
anyway you look like shit. glad to see your mom dressed you, alfalfa, but who the fuck thought your hair should be parted like that?
What’s wrong with my hair??
Dane Cook is getting the hint that there’s someone I’d like to bang tonight instead of going to after parties with him. Cause, you know, constant texting.
And what’s wrong with my hair???
uh you look like my grandfather. you look like everyone’s grandfather ever.
The word for that is ‘archetypal’.
the word for that is DOUCHE. i am so not video sexing you tonight.
Who said anything about that?? That was an option? You didn’t say! You were drunk like five minutes ago!
try three hours.
Same difference.
I’ll be home in 2 hrs or whenever DANE stops calling me whipped, pussy whipped, gay, and other things that I am but aren’t actually my name. Sweet guy. Besties.
you’re so cute. make it 1 hr, work tomorrow. dress rehearsal!! if he’s your bestie we’re over.
JEALOUS MUCH?
try me. 1 hr. ilu.
For the record, if I’m acting too old? You’re not 16. You THIRTY-THREE. Spell it out, bitch.
I LOVE YOU OKAY?
ilu2
I HATE YOU.
sorry, I H8 U. 45 mins