Half Dead Wasn't What I Planned To Be chapters 1-9[sequal to One Minute...]
Title:
Half Dead Wasn't What I Planned To Be
the sequal to One Minute And Twenty Seconds Of Your Time
Last Updated: August 10th, 2003 w/ chapter 17
Status: In Progress [17 chapters, story in progress]
Summary: [multiple slash][Paul/Billy centric mostly] You told me that you loved me and I pushed you away. I was scared. Scared of everything. Scared of how that made me feel... You had me and you rejected me. Threw me to the side like I was nothing. I feel like nothing... I want you, but you'll never look at me like you look at him. I'm both blessed and cursed, to be so close to you yet so far away... Everyone is falling apart and it's all I can do to try and put them back together...
A/N: Not much to say here. If you haven't read One Minute And Twenty Seconds Of Your Time yet, I'd advise you do so so that way you don't get confused seeming as this is the sequal and all ;o) *scroll down approximately 8 entries or so and look for the entry titled One Minute And Twenty Seconds Of Your Time and you can start reading*
Dedication: Kaysea is the raddest of the rad, as is Ashy, and I love them both. ;o)
Disclaimer: Fiction. Not true. Lies. This story is all lies. *nods* Yes, it is. A bunch of lies. And since you're all such honest people I know you would never read such filth. *rolls eyes* lol Enjoy.
Chapter 01: What I Meant To Say
Two months have come to pass since that night that we spent together. You lost that sparkle in your eyes and it broke my heart to know that I was the cause of that. I doubt that you care, but I’ve noticed you haven’t been the same since then. Not just towards me, you’re not the same person. You look the same. You sound the same. You make the same goofy jokes. You’re still the last one to band practice every single time. You still tease us about how unhealthy the food we eat is. You still do all those things. But you’re not the same. I hate knowing that you’ll never be the same.
I really wish that it was still possible for us to at least be friends like we used to be. But I know that I’ve crossed a line that can never be undone. I miss being able to hang out and talk to you like we used to. I don’t have the right to ask for your forgiveness. I understand this, and that’s why I don’t. Saying sorry is for someone who believes he can redeem himself and be forgiven. I don’t say sorry. I can’t undo the things that I’ve done.
I’ve done a lot of things that I’m not proud of. This time I fucked up so completely. I told you that everything was a mistake. After that, all of this was supposed to go away. I was supposed to be able to suck it up and move on. I had given up the opportunity to grasp something I had only ever dreamed of touching upon. I gave that up. Why?
There are a couple reasons. Reasons that aren’t really reasons at all, just excuses. As long as I keep pretending that these excuses are really reasons and that they are substantial, then I’ll be able to make it through the days. It will be painful, but at least I’ll make it. That’s all that really matters in the end, isn’t it? Making it through.
You look good. A lot better than, well, better than you have in a long time. Some of the life has returned to your form and dare I say that the twinkle has, at least faintly, been replaced in your eyes? You’re getting over me. I can tell. For a while you had this air about you like any wrong action or thing said might have the ability to knock you down. Now you walk more confidently. The beautiful smile that I dreamed about has returned to your lips that tasted so sweet on my mouth, once upon a time. I put that story to an end before it even had a real beginning…
At the moment we’re confined to a tour bus. I don’t even bother to cringe anymore when the bus goes over a bump and my head that is leaning against the cool glass window smacks onto it rather roughly. It hurts. I deserve it though. I’m an asshole. I’m an asshole in the worst kind of way.
I’m an asshole that doesn’t even have the decency to tell the truth because I’m such a fucking pussy. People might care, people might think of me differently. I’m the kind of asshole that has no fucking balls. I’d rather go along with the way things are supposed to be instead of breaking away from the safety of normalcy. I’m the kind of prick that knows he’s an asshole and doesn’t do anything, even though it’s within my power, to fix things. And all of this wouldn’t be that horrible if I wasn’t completely an asshole, but I’m not. I’m only partially an asshole.
The rest of me actually cares that I’ve hurt you. I’m worthless fuck with a conscious but I’m still an asshole all the same.
With a silent sigh I get up, walk the small distance and heave myself into the tiny bunk that will be my home for the next few months. It’s cramped and confined. If I was claustrophobic this would be the physical embodiment of my hell. I put my headphones on and try and filter out any thoughts I have and just be consumed by the music. Of course, as luck would have it, it doesn’t offer the comfort that it normally does. Not many things offer me the comfort that they used to these days.
The one thing that does make me happy, is knowing that you’re okay. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you like I did. In my mind things didn’t play out the way they really did. I planned on saying different things and doing different things. But when the time came, I didn’t do the things I should have. I did something that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for.
I won’t deny that I said what I did out of fear, Billy.
I was afraid of you.
I was afraid of what would happen because I loved you back.
*****
Chapter 02: Omitting The Truth
I open my eyes and look around. Sleep clouds my mind and my dreams are still on the edge of my thoughts. I look down and am greeted with a sight that I have had the pleasure of viewing many times over the past few months.
Billy’s eyes are closed, his mouth opened just a little. His chest rises and falls evenly. His arm is around my waist, holding onto me snuggled up against my bare chest. To onlookers given his sexuality, I’m sure that this would look incriminating. It’s all so innocent that I find myself a little disappointed. Billy just needs the comfort of knowing that someone is there for him. I am glad to be that comfort for him.
He tries to be strong all the time but he’s not invincible. On nights like this he ventures up to me slowly, almost shyly, and asks if I will stay with him. Billy doesn’t want to wake up alone in the dark. I understand because I’ve felt the same before. Those times Joel was always there for me and I always felt like such a loser because Joel was the strong one. I would never have the chance to repay him. Now it was my turn to be the shoulder that was cried on. I’m just hoping that Billy is truly comforted by my presence.
I give in to temptation and allow my hand to venture up to Billy’s sweet face. My fingers brush gently across his smooth skin. A small smile tugs at the corner of his lips. Surely God is teasing me and it is only Billy dreaming of something wonderful that causes him to smile, not my touch. Hair has fallen across his gorgeous face so I take the opportunity to move it aside. There are many hours before morning will break.
I know that I won’t be able to get back to sleep. It’s peaceful times like this when most people would close their eyes and be greeted by sweet dreams. I just watch the sleeping figure next to me and press a soft kiss to his forehead, wishing him sweet and peaceful dreams. There are hours until the sun rises, and I have all this time to lay here watching him and thinking.
The thinking is the part that I like the least. There are too many things to think of, the bad often occupy my mind more than the good. I often times think about how Billy has been hurt, and the deceit behind what has hurt him. Paul… he said things to Billy. Things that Billy didn’t want to hear, things that weren’t true.
I know because that night Paul came to me with tears in his eyes. It was after band practice. Paul had gone home around 11. When the doorbell rang at 12:30 I was the only one up. Joel had fallen asleep on the couch and I had tucked him in with a blanket. I hadn’t wanted to wake him up since he looked so tranquil, it had been a long time since he’d slept well due to all the worries he had on his mind. When I answered the door Paul stood there looking miserable.
“Can I come in?” He asked. His eyes were bloodshot and his face tear stained. I stepped aside and let him in. Figuring that asking what was wrong would only make things worse, I sat next to him at the kitchen table and waited for him to say what he needed to say. A few minutes passed and he finally brought his eyes up to meet mine. “I did something awful tonight.”
Paul’s voice was shaky as he spoke. I rest my hand on his back before rubbing up and down in a soothing manner letting him know it was okay to continue. He reached out and rested his forehead against my shoulder. “I hurt someone that I love more than anything because I was too afraid to tell the truth.” Those were the only things he had said to me. I didn’t ask who or what he had done. I let him cry on my shoulder until he could not cry anymore. Then I led him up to my room and tucked him into my bed. I slept in Joel’s bed that night after checking to make sure he still was sleeping soundly and looked comfortable on the couch.
I kick myself in the ass for what I did the next day. When I went to Billy’s the next day and saw the state he was in I didn’t know what to do. My heart broke when Billy told me the name of who had caused his pain. Paul.
Paul… Billy was in love with Paul. I made a selfish decision then that I would lie and claim I had kept a friend’s confidentiality by not telling Billy about the way Paul felt for him. I despise myself for it. I caused Billy more hurt than he needed to feel by not telling him what I knew. It was all out of selfish hope.
I tried to convince myself that it was the right thing to do. Paul had had his chance and threw it away. By not telling Billy I was helping him out. He would get over Paul and then maybe he would realize that I was standing right in front of him. I was more deserving because I would never pass up Billy’s love because I was afraid. All of these things worked for only so long before I began to feel guilty. I still do. I don’t say anything now because I don’t want Billy to hate me. I’ve known all this time and never told him.
I wipe away a tear from the corner of my eye.
I know he never will, but I just want Billy to love me like he loves Paul.
*****
Chapter 03: Never What It Seems
I open my eyes and am greeted with the light of yet another day shining in through my window. Wiping the sleep out of my eyes I remember that it’s not my room that I am in. I frown a little, not because I’m in Benji’s hotel room but because of the reason I am here. Sometimes at night I still think of you and I wake up feeling cold, empty and alone. I hate that feeling.
It’s those nights that I tip toe, head down, biting my lip with wide eyes that let him know I need his company and ask if I can stay. He always smiles a little and nods, pulling back the covers to his bed and allows me to climb in next to him. I crawl over next to him and wrap my arms around his strong frame. His strength makes me feel more safe when he holds me in return. I bury my face in his chest and intertwine one of my legs with his own.
On more than one occasion when I awake I wonder if this ever makes him uncomfortable. My being so close to him, I mean. If it does he never says anything, never complains or jokes about those nights. Light hearted comments might make some feel better but I feel more able to confide in him knowing that he understands.
It takes a few minutes for my eyes to begin to adjust to the light that has caused me to wake. I revel in the warmth provided to me by Benji’s body. I hear a bit of a chuckle. “Are you aware that you make some of the cutest noises that I’ve ever heard when you’re sleeping?” Benji said batting his eyes femininely.
I shake my head a little and smack his head lightly. He leans down and kisses the top of my head. “I’m dead serious, man. You mewl or something. Kind of makes me wonder if I should be wondering what you’re dreaming about?” He raised an eyebrow good humouredly. Honestly, I hadn’t even been aware that I was dreaming. I just shrugged a little.
“Don’t know. I don’t remember.” I admitted sheepishly. I didn’t find it weird that he hadn’t untangled his limbs from mine and that neither of us were making any effort to. It just seemed normal somehow laying like that, covers pulled to our waists, my head resting upon his chest feeling every intake and exhalation of breath.
“Hey Benji, want to go get some break--what the fuck?” Joel was standing in the doorway looking surprised and confused.
“Oh… h-hey Joel.” Benji sat up quickly with a look on his face that I couldn’t exactly read.
“Hi Joel.” I offered meekly knowing how this must look. Given, I hadn’t told Joel about my sexuality, or anything that happened with Paul. But even I’m not so naïve as to not know how this must look, two grown men laying in bed half naked, arms wrapped around one another protectively. Silently I cursed myself for having put Benji In this situation, especially in front of his own brother.
“I’m going to come back in a few minutes. Didn’t mean to disturb you…” He trailed off before turning and closing the door behind him.
“Aw shit.” Benji hopped out of bed and went over to one of his suitcases. I watched him as he dug through the bag until he found some clean cloths before pulling them on.
“Benj, I’m sorry.” I offered from my place still sitting under the covers. Slowly I got up and started to leave. “I’ll talk to him if you want…” I trailed off when I saw him give me a half smile. He wasn’t mad at me.
“It’s okay. I might as well. Do you mind though. I mean, if I tell him at least a little bit about what happened? Or do you want to tell him?” I was very grateful for his offer. Having to recount the story was not my idea of a pleasant conversation.
“Go ahead. I’m really sorry again. I’ll see you in a little while.” I opened the door and started to walk out when the sound of his voice stopped me.
“Billy?” Benji spoke my name just loud enough for me to hear. I turned around to face him. His lip rings were glinting in the morning sunlight and his eyes were full of concern. “Don’t let this stop you from coming to me. If you don’t want to be alone at night, I’m here. I don’t want you to ever feel like it’s not okay for us to do this. Do you understand?”
A smile tugged at the edges of my lips. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Benji. I really don’t. You’re too good to me.” I gave him a hug and a quick peck on the lips before tousling his already messy hair. With a boyish grin he feigned shock and slapped my cheek lightly.
“William Martin, I will have none of that teasing. We wouldn’t want you unable to walk because you’ve been ravished in the best of ways.” Benji winked at me and I laughed rolling my eyes.
“Because we all know you love cock more than poon.” I joked rolling my eyes once again. Smiling at him one more time I left so he could go talk to his twin. I seriously hoped that Joel wouldn’t freak out about anything. He’s not a homophobe in the least bit and he’s quite aware that Benji is rather open and eccentric. Joel has nothing to worry about though, Benji’s as straight as a line. I just hope that he doesn’t find it too weird about my night time visits.
I sigh a little and again I’m reminded of how pathetic I feel because I needed to depend on someone other than myself.
What the fuck. I tried that bit on my own and things didn’t work out so well.
Maybe the key to making everything all right again is to suck up your pride and know when you need to ask for help.
Or maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better.
Either way, I’m not going to give up the time I spend at night with Benji. It means too much.
*****
Chapter 04: My Confession To You
Benji smiled as he watched Billy’s retreating form. Pulling his eyes away he shook his head a little. His eyes couldn’t help but to wonder over his friend’s form. There was something graceful about the way Billy moved. Even at such an early time in the morning his muscles rippled in an almost feline manner. His frame was thin, but Billy clearly had guitarists muscles, making his arms look a little larger and his shoulders a little broader than would seem normal for someone of his size. These things made him all the more beautiful in Benji’s eyes.
Snapping out of his trance like state he turned and went to search for Joel. For a few moments he stopped once he was outside of his twin’s door and for the first time he wasn’t sure what Joel would say. That had never happened to him before. He had always been able to form some kind of idea in his mind of what the other would say. Many attributed it to the ‘twin thing’. Benji would not deny that he felt a connection with his brother, but he also felt it was because his brother and he had an understanding that no one else could touch upon, having been there for one another and grown up with the same hardships.
Biting his lip, Benji sighed and knocked on the door. Normally he would have just opened it, as he always did, and walked right in. There was no fear of seeing his brother naked or interrupting him doing anything else. At one point or another they had walked in upon each other during the most awkward of times, whether it be jerking off or having sex, and they had always been comfortable enough to laugh it off later. Now, Benji found himself so completely insecure with what he was about to do. He’d never felt that way towards his brother before.
Joel opened the door a few seconds later. Immediately, he turned a few shades of pink and his gaze fell to the ground. “Hey Benj,” he mumbled. The sight made Benji want to burst into tears, he could feel them stinging at the back of his eyes. Why did his brother have to look at him like this, and then refuse to look at him at all? It made Benji all the more frightened to tell Joel all the things that he had to tell him.
“Can I come in?” Benji’s voice was feeble. He almost sighed with relief when his younger brother looked up at him with concern in his eyes. The ‘twin connection’ had not been severed, Joel had recognized the uncertainty in his older brother’s voice.
After only a slight delay, he nodded and opened the door further allowing Benji in before shutting it behind them. Joel crossed the room and sat on the bed waiting for his twin to do something. Benji just stood in the middle of the room and awkwardly played with the bottom of his t-shirt. “Benji?”
“Yeah Joel?” He hoped that someone Joel had been able to read his mind and he wouldn’t have to say anything. No such luck.
“Is there… um… something you wanted?”
Benji let out a slight sigh and nodded. “Yeah, actually. What you saw before, it wasn’t what you’re thinking. Well, I don’t really know what you’re thinking, but I assume it’s not what you’re thinking.” He got it all out in a rush and looked up. Joel was pink again and looked confused. “Billy and I weren’t doing anything. I know it must have looked kind of…” Benji searched for the proper word before coming up with, “suspicious. It’s just a really long story which I’m going to have to tell you.”
Joel held up his hands a little and shook his head. “No. I mean, Benji, that’s completely cool if you’re with Billy. You don’t have to try and…”
Benji shook his head feeling tears stinging at the back of his eyes once again. “That’s the thing though. I’m not with Billy.” Stopping, he breathed deeply and tried to blink away the tears. Joel watched as his other half began to lose him composure. Joel offered his arms to Benji, but he shook his head, refusing to let himself cry. This was not the way he was supposed to tell his brother. He didn’t want to come off like some sad woe-is-me sap. Taking one more deep breath he found his voice.
“Billy comes to me at night sometimes. He doesn’t always like to stay by himself in the dark because of stuff that has happened.” Benji looked up to see his brother’s full attention was on him. This made him feel better, but it also made him a little more fidgety. “Anyway, at night every now and again Billy comes and asks if he can stay with me. I always let him because I know that he doesn’t want to be alone. I can kind of relate to the feeling. It’s kind of like what you used to do for me when I was going through… a rough spot,” Benji phrased about the depression he had sunk into some time ago.
Joel nodded understanding a little more, but not understanding why his brother looked like he was about to cry. “I know there’s things you’re not telling me.”
With a nod of his head, Benji’s gaze fell away from Joel’s once again. “Yeah. I’m just a little slow at finding the right words.” Benji admitted. [a/n: no I’m not saying he’s slow, in case any of you think I’m trying to be insulting. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a time like that, but it’s like you want to talk about something but you can’t find a way to word it because it’s hard to talk about] Joel nodded for his brother to continue when he was ready. “Billy’s gay.” Benji admitted flat out. He decided to skip the details between what happened with him and Paul, not wanting to alienate their other friend, if he didn’t want to talk about the occurrence. “Someone broke his heart. That’s part of the reason he comes at night.”
Pausing for a few seconds Benji knew he had to finish at that very moment or he may not have the strength to do so. “It eats me up because I love Billy. I don’t want to see him hurt like that.” His eyes finally met their mirror image. “He doesn’t know and I’m not so sure that I’m ever going to tell him.”
There was a moment of silence as Joel took in this information. “You’re gay?” Joel asked. His tone wasn’t menacing like Benji had feared it would be. It was more curious than anything else, perhaps even gentile.
With a bit of a shrug Benji bit his lip. “I’m not sure. I just know that I love Billy.”
“So you’re bisexual.” Joel stated. Benji nodded a little.
“I guess so.”
“When did you know?”
Benji hesitated for a moment. “Right after Billy got out… he had his heart broke. I found him, and I have been figuring it out since then.” Joel didn’t say anything and Benji started to get worried. “You’re not mad at me are you?”
With a small chuckle, Joel shook his head. “Benji, I couldn’t be mad at you if I tried to be. Come here you big freak.” Joel held out his arms once again and this time Benji gratefully snuggled into them. He felt as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Having kept to himself the way he felt for so long had been tiring, especially since he had been so close, yet so far, from the one he truly desired: Billy.
“Benji?” Joel asked, his arms still wrapped tightly around his older brother. “I love you. I know that you don’t hear it enough, but I’m proud of you. Mom, Josh, Sarah and I, we’re all so proud of you.”
This time, Benji felt a tear slide down his cheek. He didn’t bother to wipe it away. Instead he frowned a little and buried his face into his brother’s shoulder. “Really?”
Joel nodded, pulling away a little so he could look him in the eye. “Really.” Benji smiled.
“I’m glad because I try. But I’m not always so sure it works out.”
“There hasn’t ever been a time when we haven’t been proud of you Benj. You’re my older brother. And even though you’re shorter than me,” Joel poked his brother in the side teasingly, “I’ve always looked up to you.”
“Stop getting mooshy on me.” Benji was grinning wider than he had in awhile, and he playfully punched Joel in the shoulder.
*****
Chapter 05: Mr. Nightly Romance
That night he came to me again. I opened my eyes and his silhouette was lit by the pale moonlight leaking in through the window. Whether it be due to the dimly lit room or to my still adjusting eyes, it looked as if he weren’t walking, but floating across the room. Billy smiled at me timidly as he climbed into my bed. “Hey,” he whispered in the hesitant tone that he always used on nights such as this.
“Hi Billy.” I pulled the covers up for him to slip underneath them and immediately opened my arms to the younger man.
“Mind if I stay the night?” Billy warmly welcomed my arms around him and snuggled into my embrace. The amount of self control it took to not get hard over the situation, every single time, was unbelievable. How I had managed to accomplish staying calm every time was beyond me.
“Course not,” I answered in reply, as I did every time he asked. Timidly, he wrapped his arms around me as well.
“Thanks Benji. You’re the greatest.” Comfortable and already at ease, he fell asleep soon after. I watched him as he slept for a few minutes before closing my own eyes. [a/n: normally I keep the pov the same for each chapter but ya know owell I’m changing it. I won’t make a habit of doing this often, but if I tell the rest of it from Benji’s pov it’s going to sound fucked]
That night the two slept, each having dreams of their own. In his sleep, Billy snuggled closer to Benji, one of his hands falling to his friend’s waist. Benji was having his own dreams of Billy, less romantic and more carnal. The two were face to face, merely inches apart. Both men were sporting hard ons underneath the sheets that covered them. Billy’s breath left his lips in a sigh and he leaned forward, his lips meeting up with Benji’s. The feeling was automatic as his lips pressed to Benji’s, and he immediately responded. In his dreams he was receiving sweet, light kisses from Billy.
The two men kissed in their sleep. Airy, sugary kisses. Feeling the other so close to him, Benji began to grind his hips into Billy’s. Both let out light moans as they kissed, partially enacting their dreams, partially responding to the other’s actions. Billy’s hips bucked towards Benji’s as they grinded into one another, their hard on’s growing and rubbing against one another. With motions that flowed so naturally, Benji’s hands made their way up the back of the t-shirt that Billy was wearing. Billy’s hands were placed firmly at Benji’s waist.
Only moments before Billy came, he woke up. At first, as he opened his eyes, he did not realize what was going on. As his mind tried to catch up, his body was still acting all on it’s own. Pulling away from Benji’s kiss, he felt himself twitch and orgasm. Breathing heavily he heard Benji moan his name. Benji came inside of his boxers as well, a small smile on his lips.
“Benji?” Billy asked through rugged breaths as Benji orgasmed. The sound of his name was all that it took for the older man’s eyes to flutter open. The two just lay there staring at one another.
Benji’s mind took it’s time to catch up as well. As he began to realize what must have happened, although he didn’t know why or exactly how, he pulled away and sat up. “Oh shit.” He mumbled to himself, feeling the familiar crimson climbing up his neck to his face. A hand over his eyes, he couldn’t bring himself to look at Billy. “I’m so sorry Billy. I’m so fucking sorry.” Benji got up and made his way into the bathroom, closing the door behind him and locking it. Shit. Oh Shit. What was he going to do now? What could he possibly do? He had just been humping, fucking humping his best friend in his sleep and gizzed all over the inside of his boxers. How fucking wrong was that?
“Benji?” Billy knocked on the bathroom door gently, feeling a little distraught and confused himself. He tried turning the doorknob but he found it locked. “Benji?”
“Go away.” Back pressed to the door he slid down it slowly until he was seated on the floor, knees to his chest and hands over his face muffling his voice. “Please just go away.”
“Benji… I’m not leaving.” Billy’s voice was low and his tone kind. He didn’t want to scare his friend into not talking to him.
“I just… I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry Billy, I’m really sorry.” Inside the bathroom he was trying not to panic. His mind was racing. He knew that he had to open the door and let his friend in and tell him something. As to what he was going to say, he didn’t know yet. What a shitty way this would be to admit to your best friend that you’re in love with them, especially when you know that deep down they’re still in love with your other best friend. What kind of fucked up love triangle is that?
Running his hands through his hair, he realized that he was shaking. Billy was just about to ask his friend to open the bathroom door once more, when he heard a small metallic click. Reaching his hand out he tried the doorknob and sure enough, it turned.
The lighting in the hotel bathroom was dim. Already, Benji was huddled in the corner, eyes not meeting Billy’s. He closed the door behind him and sat on the cold linoleum floor, his back now pressed to the door facing Benji. Billy couldn’t see Benji’s eyes clearly, due to the lighting they were shadowed. Benji’s cheeks flushed a light red. Billy wasn’t sure if this was from the older man blushing, or from what they had been engaged in minutes before.
“What’s going on?” The words escaped Billy’s lips before he could stop them.
“I didn’t want to tell you this way. Only Joel knows…” Benji started trying to find a way to word what it was he wanted to say. “I was dreaming about someone, a guy someone. I’m bi.”
“Oooooh,” Billy said. Benji hadn’t necessarily been ready to tell anyone other than his twin about that, what an awkward situation he had been put in. Billy couldn’t help but feel a little guilty since he was the reason that he had been put in such a situation. He smirked a little and raised an eyebrow. “So who was Mr. Wet Dream? Or is that a secret?”
“I can’t remember.” Billy took Benji’s dishonest tone as being sheepish instead. He had to catch himself from letting out a sigh of relief once he realized that Billy was buying it. Out of no where Benji asked, “Who were you dreaming of?”
Billy blushed a little and smiled not saying anything. He looked at his friend a little differently. Surely, Benji wasn’t interested in him, but it was nice to know that he had a friend who would have to go through similar things as he was going to.
“Come on.” Standing up, Billy offered a hand to his best friend and pulled Benji to his feet. “Get yourself cleaned up and get your butt back in bed.” As Billy sauntered out of the room and back to his to clean himself up as well, Benji frowned a little. That had been so close. Extremely close. But maybe now, now that Billy knew, things could happen on their own.
‘Keep dreaming fucktard,’ he thought to himself as he washed off and changed into a clean pair of boxers. ‘You know who he was dreaming of. He’s never going to look at you the way he looks at Paul.’ Benji bit his lip and shook his head a little, climbing back under the covers. A few minutes later he felt Billy climb in beside him.
“Night Benji.” He murmured, placing a kiss on his forehead.
‘God, why did you send me an angel that I could never deserve enough to have as my own?’ Benji thought bitterly before drifting off to sleep.
[a/n: I have actually read somewhere about people having sex in their sleep and not knowing it, so yeah haha this is not that farfetched, especially with two hot ass horny boy boys haha]
*****
Chapter 06: Overheard Whispers
Paul lay awake in bed staring at the ceiling, not for the first time. The unfamiliar hotel room, that wasn’t that unfamiliar at all since all hotel rooms had taken on a monotonous overture, was of no help in coaxing him to sleep. Many things played at the back of his mind, though he couldn’t exactly pinpoint what was bothering him at the moment. Hearing movement from the hallway and being as awake as he was, he got up and went to his door, pressing his ear against it. Hearing nothing he was careful to slip the door open just a little.
The lightweight shuffling could only belong to Billy. It had been years since Paul had learned to distinguish his best friends and band members footsteps. Billy’s were light, and slow because he wasn’t in a rush to get anywhere he’d rather take his time and see everything, the footsteps of an artist. Benji’s steps held more weight to them and were very brisk, you could tell he was used to getting places quickly with little thought to who heard him, the footsteps of someone whose past, though not always in mind, had affected his body language and motions until the fleeing tactic had become habit. Joel’s, now they were harder to read. His footsteps fell somewhere in between, not heavy yet not light, not fast but not particularly leisurely either. Paul wondered what his footsteps told about him.
Straining his ears to listen, he tried to recognize where Billy was going. Billy. A small sigh left his lips and he felt a tugging at his heart. Time was supposed to ease pain but it only seemed to make regrets worse. Benji’s room… Billy was going to Benji’s room. A few minutes later when he didn’t hear his friend returning to his room, he began to wonder what exactly Billy was doing in there.
Sleep wasn’t going to come to him tonight. Opening the door he entered the main hotel room. On one wall there was a small makeshift kitchen, at the other end of that same wall was a sliding door to a balcony, the middle of the room served as a living room and another wall gave way to the door of a bathroom. From the remaining walls the were doors to each bedroom. Aimlessly, Paul wondered into the small kitchenette, grabbing himself something to drink. He brought it with him out to the balcony hoping to clear his mind.
Some time later he came back in. Walking past the door to Benji’s room, he thought he heard noises. Stopping in the midst of his footsteps, he held his breath and listened. Moaning. There was no mistaking that sound as two men moaning. In Benji’s room. And Billy hadn’t returned to his room. Paul’s heart sank a little. ‘That’s what I get,’ he thought to himself. ‘You didn’t expect him to wait for you forever, did you?’
Bowing his head, he made his way back to his room. Pulling the covers to his chin he hoped that sleep would come. He didn’t want to dream, but with any luck he wouldn’t remember his dreams and he could have a break from this harsh reality.
Hours later Benji awoke from his sleep to Billy in his arms. He looked down and blushed remembering what had happened. Nothing like that had ever happen to him before. It made him nervous to be this close to Billy knowing that he might do something, while he was sleeping nonetheless, that he would never have the courage to do while he was awake. The thought alone made him feel down.
The sun rose bringing another day. The only one seemingly unaffected by the odd love triangle consuming his band mates, was Joel. And although he was the only one that wasn’t at his wits end or in the funk that seemed to have affected his friends and his twin, he was the only one that noticed that it was affecting everyone.
Joel was worried about his brother, he was worried about him being in love with Billy. At the same time, he had someone else in mind that he was afraid for. A good friend that he didn’t want to see hurt. He didn’t say anything to his twin though, it wasn’t his place. He just had to let everything play out the way it played out. He had learned long ago that tampering with people’s lives always fucked everything up in the end and made you feel guilty when the good things he was trying to do didn’t work out.
All day Billy spent trying to figure out what was going on. He wasn’t sure if Benji was ignoring him or if he was ignoring Benji or neither were ignoring one another or if they both were ignoring one another. Either way, they were never in the same part of the tour bus that day unless someone else was in the room. Most often, that person was Joel. Eventually Billy came to the conclusion that he was not ignoring Benji… Benji must be avoiding him.
The only reason he could think of as to why his best friend would all of a sudden become so shy with him would be because of what had happened that night. True, it had been very embarrassing. Had one of them been straight it would have been more than just embarrassing, it would have been downright humiliating. Billy couldn’t help but admit to himself that he had actually liked it. It hadn’t felt wrong. Not in the least. There was no way that he could tell Benji that, not with the way that he was acting. Somehow he knew that Benji wasn’t mad at him, but at the same time, he knew that Benji looked at him a little differently, and he couldn’t figure out if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
Maybe it was neither.
Maybe it was both.
[sorry this chapter sucked a lot of dick. The next 2 are going to be a LOT better I promise. And hopefully all the ones after that will rock your socks too.]
*****
Chapter 07: Making The Moment
There are only a few more weeks left before we are off tour. That means that soon we’ll get a short break and be able to live semi-normal lives. The thought doesn’t thrill me but I don’t detest it either. Time to myself, it’s always good to help clear my conscious. I have a feeling that I’m going to need to clear my head a lot more and just sit down and think.
On the tour bus, everything is so confined. There is very little privacy and, for the most of it, it lacks personality. An entire tour bus, complete with décor and television and bunks and a kitchenette and more, yet none of it has a homey feel or even the feel of someone living in it. There are a few touches we’ve made to make ourselves more comfortable, but we might as well have just left the place as it was, nothing helped it.
Why, exactly, I am contemplating the lack of personality as I stare out the window and absent mindedly watch the scenery pass us as we travel to yet another destination, I do not know. Maybe, because it’s been a long time since I’ve felt like some place was truly my home. The closest I have come are my times with Benji…
“Hey.” I pulled my eyes away from the window hoping it would be him, but instead it was his mirror image. I managed to give a half smile and nod a bit in his direction.
“Hi Joel. How’s it going?” I asked half heartedly. Hopefully he would take my lack of enthusiasm to see him as my being overly tired.
“Billy… Can I talk to you?” Joel sat down next to me not waiting for a reply. It would have been rude of me to say no anyway, even if I was in a bit of an odd mood. Trying to focus my attention, I forced myself to keep eye contact. If I looked away I would probably stop paying attention, not on purpose, but at the moment my mind wasn’t wanting to wrap around any one thing at the moment.
“Sure.”
“I guess I just wanted to say I’m here for you. I know not everything is back to normal yet even though we all pretend it is.” My mouth dropped open a little, not to protest but, I was surprised that he was being this open with me. I guess everyone else wasn’t completely oblivious to what was going on with me. I was dealing with a lot more than I let on. “And Benji told me…” He paused and grinned at me. “I think you know what he told me,” Joel wiggled his eyebrows up and down teasingly. For a second I wondered if he meant that Benji had told him about what had happened the night before. A second later I realized what he was talking about.
“Oooh,” was the intelligent thing that I thought of to say in reply. I suppose that I blushed a little. I know that I smiled sheepishly and averted my eyes. It’s not that I was uncomfortable with Joel knowing, I knew that he would be cool with it, but it was still something new to be sharing with everyone since a very select few knew. Benji, Joel, Jay, my shrink and you. That makes five. Five people other than myself that know that I’m gay.
Joel started wringing his hands nervously, almost as if he could sense the small bit of awkwardness of the situation. “You’re Benji’s best friend,” he blurted out suddenly before anxiously playing with the bottom of his t-shirt. Raising his eyes a little he looked at me as his hands stopped moving for a moment. “You know almost as much about him as I do. I just… he’s my big brother, you know? You two haven’t exactly been cozy today, and I can only think of one reason you would have had a bit of a falling out suddenly…” For a moment his eyes searched mine as if looking for some kind of clue that I knew what he was talking about.
“Benji told me last night.” I answered wondering if he thought that I was angry at his brother in some way because of it. Letting out a bit of a sigh, Joel’s shoulders fell. “Listen, Joel, I’m not mad at your brother if that’s what you’re worried about. I just think he needs a bit of time to himself, get everything sorted out.”
“I just don’t want…”
I cut him off before he had a chance to finish. “Joel, you don’t have a problem accepting that your twin brother is bisexual, do you? I mean, I could understand you being okay that I’m gay. Surely, it might seem a little different to have your older brother…”
“No, no, no. That’s not it at all.”
I smiled at him. “Good. Then you won’t mind if he and I go out guy scouting.” It was meant as a joke, but for a moment he looked confused. I could have swore that there was then a brief look of recognition, like something inside his head clicked. The look disappeared just as quickly as it came and I dismissed it as me just misreading his emotions.
Shaking his head a little he laughed. “Have at it,” was his answer. Getting up he laughed one more time and left, shaking his head a little.
We played yet another show that night. I think all of our performances were better than they had been in awhile. Perhaps it was this new found bit of trust we felt towards one another. Surely, it had always been there, but we had all had our own insecurities about exactly how much the others would accept. Knowing that we could expect our best friends to accept us made everything a little more comfortable with ourselves. I’m not exactly sure about you. I don’t think Benji told you yet. I know that that is at least, if not wholly, my fault. I know that he must feel alienated. None of us have a clue what your reaction would be.
I’m still not entirely sure about the reason you acted towards me like you did. Maybe it was just some kind of experiment for you. Maybe what we did some how scarred you and brought out your inner homophobia. Whatever the reason, I haven’t a clue. I feel badly though that Benji feels as if he can’t tell you. I know that despite what has happened he still considers you one of this best friends.
Another lonely hotel room filled with the all too familiar overly tidy room with décor that is just a little too cheery. Ceremoniously, I go through the room lighting the available candles and closing the shades to block out the moonlight. I used to love to spend time in the dark, it was always so comforting. Now, there is something ominous about it. Shutting out a source of natural light might seem completely absurd, but the moonlight still reminds me of you. The pale light reminds me of your pale skin as moon beams danced across our skin as touch after touch was shared. The star light… the stars danced in your eyes that night.
Sitting on the floor, I try to shrug off the feeling. There is plenty of furniture to sit in… a bed, a loveseat and a cushioned chair. All of them overly stuff. I prefer the cold, biting touch of the floor. Tonight I don’t think I’ll try and sleep. Sleeping would bring the all too familiar nightmares and feeling of loss. I would want to climb into bed with Benji and feel like at least one person cared, but, at least for the time being, I’m not so sure that would be an entirely great idea.
My head snaps up when I hear the creaking of floorboards outside my door. I hold my breath as I hear a slight pause in the rhythm of the squeaking. A pause. Someone outside my door is contemplating whether or not they should bother to knock or turn and leave. I wasn’t sure which I would have preferred. I felt like being by myself at the moment. At the same time, I was curious to know who was standing outside my door.
As if reading my last thought, there was a light knock at my door. Whoever was there was still hesitant. I waited for a moment before getting up. By that time I could hear the footsteps retreating, as if losing nerve. I opened the door, the noise startling whoever had been in the hallway enough to cause them to stop and turn around. In the dark I couldn’t see who it was. The person took a few steps forward and by the look in the eyes I knew that it was Benji.
Offering a lopsided, half smile he looked down to the floor. “I thought maybe I’d change the order of things tonight.” Voice light and teasing, I knew it was to hide whatever it was that he was really thinking. Stepping aside, I let him into my hotel room. He hesitated for a second, looking around the room as if searching for something. I wondered what it could be that he was possibly looking for. I know that all of the hotel rooms we got were identical. Snapping out of the daze that he was in, he walked further into the room and sat down on the loveseat.
Not even thinking to the happenings of the other night, I sat down beside him on the bed. “Sorry if I was being a dickhead today. I just,” Benji paused for a moment. A piece of his long hair, which was actually clean and worn down, fell across his eyes. Pausing, he swiped it out of the way, only to have it fall back into the same place. “I just didn’t think I was ready to tell anyone other than Joel yet.” Flashing a sad smile, I understood what he meant entirely. “Forgive me?”
Smiling at him I nodded and wrapped my arms around him in a hug. “You’ve done too much for me to be mad at you over something like that.” His arms fell comfortably around my waist. I tried to hide my surprise when I felt him burying his head into the crook of my neck. I was used to the one being consoled, not to being the shoulder leaned on.
“Good. Everything else feels complicated right now.” There was a slight pause. I knew he was hesitating before saying something else. I ran a hand down his back and then back up, rubbing it soothingly, letting him know that it was okay to continue.
Benji pulled away a bit and looked me straight in the eyes. He was biting at his lip rings nervously tugging them into his mouth. For a moment he looked away and I wondered what it was that he was thinking about.
A second later I understood his nervousness, embarrassment and sudden shyness as he pressed his lips to mine.
*****
Chapter 08: Breathe His Name
A thousand thoughts ran through Benji’s mind as he pressed his lips to his best friends. ‘So this is what it’s like to kiss a guy’, ‘his lips are just as soft as I’d imagined’, were among the first and soon followed by ‘Oh fuck, what am I doing?’ Just as he was about to pull away and apologize profusely before running to hide in the comfort of his room, he felt one of Billy’s hands make a fist. It was gently pulling part of the back of Benji’s t-shirt into his hand; Billy’s arms were still around from the hug they shared. A moment later, his lips responded as well.
The kiss was slow, simple and sweet. Benji was the first to pull away, eyes closed. He was afraid to open them and see the expression upon his best friend’s face. Seconds later, he felt a hand gently placed on the side of his face, thumb rubbing softly against his cheek. “Benj…” Slowly, he opened his eyes once again biting at his lip rings and pulling them into his mouth. “What was that for?”
Billy’s voice wasn’t hostile and for a second Benji wasn’t entirely sure what he was talking about. ‘Benji, you dumbass. You just kissed your best friend, of course he’s going to want to know why you did it,’ mentally he scolded himself. Fretfully, he focused his attention to some point in the room almost directly behind Billy’s left ear. “I just…” his voice immediately trailed off.
A silence settled between the two and minutes passed where nothing was said. The awkwardness of the situation was getting to Benji. Just as he opened his mouth to try and speak, he was surprised to feel Billy’s lips meet his. Shock wore off quickly and was replaced with the desire to return the action. Quickly, the kiss went from light and sweet to desired and hungered. Benji’s lips left Billy’s as he started kissing down the other man’s neck, gently sucking and kissing. He knew that if he thought about what he was doing he wouldn’t be able to go through with it. He would over analyze everything.
“Mmm… Billy,” Benji moaned lightly as the younger man teased his taunt nipples through the fabric of his t-shirt. Benji continued his downward decent, placing sensuous kisses along Billy’s collarbone making sure to pay special attention to all the spots that made Billy’s in take of breath sharper. His hands played along the elastic of Billy’s boxers before he hesitated. Surely, sex was sex and making love was making love, it couldn’t be that different from a woman, but at the same time everything was completely different.
“Please don’t stop…” Billy mumbled barely coherently. Inexperience of this kind cause the first time jitters to hit Benji like a two by four rendering him virtually paralyzed. There was nothing he could do, his body wasn’t responding to what his brain was telling him. He was frozen in place. Taking matters into his own hands, Billy gently pushed Benji backwards laying him down on the bed.
Everything finally started to register with Benji. Here he was laying on his best friends bed, the man that he loved… and he was kissing him, touching him, arousing him. Billy climbed on top of the older man, their lips crashing together heatedly. Hands were quick to roam and tongues battled for domination of the others mouth. Billy was straddling Benji, his hard dick pressing sensually into Benji’s stiff, erect cock. Slowly Billy began grinding against Benji’s dick making him harder still and soliciting gasps and moans from his lips.
Hastily, he removed Benji’s shirt before continuing to undress him. Laying there completely exposed, Benji’s cheeks flamed red with insecurity. Nothing was said to ease his fears, instead Billy’s lips pressed against his once again. Caught up in lust, Benji gained a bit more courage as he made Billy moan, knowing he was making the other hot when Billy started massaging his own upper torso. Benji slipped Billy’s boxers off of his beautiful figure and smiled. He had always imagined how beautiful the guitarist was, but never in all of his sexual fantasies had he compared to the real thing.
Billy’s body was utterly breath taking. Everything about him screamed perfection in some way or another. His chin length raven hair falling into his face but not managing to hide his sumptuous azure eyes. The small metal lip ring made his sensuous lips pout out even more so. Milky white skin, that could be described as nothing less than flawless, muscular stomach, the alluringly dark happy trail that Benji’s tongue used as a guide.
“Oh god!” Billy pushed his hips forward and his hand snaked down, pressing against Benji’s head. He’d never done this before, but he took Billy into his mouth, almost choking when the other pushed down his throat. It took a few seconds to get used to the feeling, but when he heard Billy moaning he knew that he couldn’t stop. His best friend, the man that he loved with all of his heart, was crying out for him. Through half closed eyes Billy watched as Benji’s head bobbed in his lap doing everything he possibly could to please the other though inexperience hindered him at times.
Benji’s fingertips grazed the inside of his younger friend’s thighs, gently drawing imaginary designs. He worked his tongue over the underside of Billy’s shaft faster as his moans became longer lasting. Minutes later he felt the younger man’s body began to tremor, before his hips bucked up one last time to meet Benji’s mouth and he emptied himself into the other’s throat. “Oooh… Paul.”
“What?” Benji lifted his head up and gazed down at Billy whose cheeks were flushed and body still gently shivering. “You just…” Taking a deep breath he closed his eyes, feeling his cheeks burn with shame. Should have expected this, should have known he was never interested in you.
With a look of confusion, Billy opened his mouth to ask Benji what was wrong. His mind trying to function through the haze of orgasm finally understood what had happened a few moments later. Benji kneeled before him, completely exposed and feeling utterly embarrassed. Shaking his head he grabbed his cloths, throwing on his shirt and boxers. Turning as quickly as he could, Benji’s face was as set as stone. “Wait, Benji please. I’m sorry…” Billy called after him as he slammed the door shut leaving behind the last bits of his pride, esteem and heart.
*****
Chapter 09: I Never Expected You To Love Me
Tears were stinging at the back of his eyes. “What’d you expect Madden? That he’d admit his undying love for you? Yeah fucking right. You knew that he could never feel the same way about you…” Benji shook his head trying to will the water misting in his eyes away before it could roll down his cheeks leaving him more humiliated then he already felt. He wanted to save one last shred of dignity.
“How the fuck could you?” Came the voice. Whipping his head around he caught sight of Paul standing a few feet down the hallway.
“Wha…” the word hadn’t even fully left his lips before the blond bassist interrupted him, yelling.
Nostrils flared and hands out, Paul wasn’t looking like the happiest person at that moment. “You of all people Benji, you know. I may be too chicken shit to say anything to him but you know. How can you go behind my back like that?” There was genuine hurt in his eyes, but his face was masked with rage.
Incredulously, Benji stood there too shocked to say anything. Paul continued to yell at him, at one point pushing him backwards into the wall. All he could do was stand there and stare as his mind tried to take in exactly what had happened and the one thing he was getting screamed at for. And all the time he stood there not saying anything or doing anything his friend only became more infuriated and continued to yell. Finally, when Paul had nothing left to say he stood there waiting for some kind of response from his friend. “Fuck you.” Benji whispered, eyes dropping to the floor trying to keep from doing something that he would regret later.
“What?” Paul heard him but was giving him a chance to change his remark and apologize.
“I said, fuck you! What, now you’re not only unbelievably stupid but you’re deaf too? You’re so busy falling all over yourself with pity because you fucking love him but you won‘t do anything about it. Well get over yourself for fuck’s sake! I don’t see how it’s so easy for you to pretend like you’re the only one in the world, like he doesn’t hurt just as much as you do. The truth is, you hurt him worse. I don‘t know why, but he cares about you. The one fucking person that‘s not there for him and he cares about you. All he thinks about is you.” Benji didn’t realize it but the tears that had welled up in his eyes started to spill over. A few began making their descent over his plump eyelashes and down his face. His voice dropped a few decibels, “He even called your name.” Voice faltering, Benji spun on his heel and made his way down the hallway pushing the door to his twin’s room open and entering.
Joel sat with his cell phone pressed to his ear. For the past twenty minutes he had been listening to his friend on the other end. There had been a long discussion that Joel would never have pictured himself having because the two were not nearly as close as he was with other friends, though they were close nonetheless. Nodding, though the other party could not hear him, was his response. “I really think you should come out here,” was his belated response to the question that had taken him a few moments to digest. “He could really use you…” His voice trailed off when he heard yelling in the hallway. “Hey, can you hold on a second?”
That second his door flew open, revealing Benji. Quickly, he placed the phone down, not bothering to hang it up, on the side of the bed where his brother wouldn’t see. “Benji, man, you okay?” Concern showed in his voice as his brother made his way over to his younger twin’s bed.
“No…” Benji’s voice was small and broken as threw himself down on the bed, bringing an arm to cover his eyes as he tried once again not to cry. The tears were already spilling, slowly, but soon they increased in number and speed, dotting his face like dew that’s gotten to heavy for the grass to hold.
“Oh, Benji…” Joel gently lifted his brother’s arm to reveal his face. Turning away, Benji would not meet the other’s gaze, feeling weak and ashamed. “Come here.” Reaching his arms out he took his brother into his arms and held him.
Hesitantly, he buried his face into Joel’s shoulder and let out a sob he had been holding in. “He’s never going to love me.” Just saying the words out loud pained him. “He loves Paul too fucking much to care about me.” Pulling away from his brother, Benji met Joel’s eyes for a moment. Face crumbling, falling victim to his emotions, he whispered, “Billy even called his name.”
“Jesus, Benj…” Holding him, Benji sobbed letting tears fall and wet his brother’s shirt.
“I’m worthless…” came a muffled whimper.
“Don’t talk foolish. Mama would backhand you for saying something stupid like that.” Gently he kissed the top of his brother’s head, rocking him a bit until the other was so exhausted from grief that he fell asleep. Tenderly Joel lay Benji back onto the bed and pulled the covers up over him until he was neatly tucked in. Remembering that his phone was on he leaned over to pick it up. Just as he was about to turn it off he realized that it had never disconnected. “You still there?”
There was a slight pause. “Yeah. Listen… maybe a visit right now wouldn‘t be a good idea. We‘ll have plenty of days off…”
“I’m expecting to pick you up at the airport tomorrow morning. Don’t make me get up early and sneak around for nothing. You better be there.” With a click of a button he turned off his cell phone so the other could not call him back and attempt to talk his way out of coming up for a visit. It was a brotherly intuition, he knew that this visit would be good for his brother, and his friend.
Sitting at the end of the bed, he watched as his older twin slept, a small frown tugging at his lips. For a moment he wondered if he were the only sane one of the bunch. Lately, nothing got to him the way it did to everyone else. Obviously they all had to be insane. Either that, or suffering from some kind of condition that could be named only one thing: love.
And what a beautiful time for everyone to figure out what their hearts were telling them, only to go and fall in love and have their heart handed back in pieces. What a task it was to mend the broken pieces while projecting the perfect life to all who watched.
Joel let out a sigh before running a hand through his short, black hair. Silently he wondered when he would figure out what his heart was telling him. He just didn’t know anymore.
Lately it seemed like it wasn’t beating…
*
Chapters 10 and up are in the following post!
Leave comments. Flames or praise. Which ever. Any input makes me feel like people actually care if I update this
Chapters 10 and up are in the following post!
Half Dead Wasn't What I Planned To Be
the sequal to One Minute And Twenty Seconds Of Your Time
Last Updated: August 10th, 2003 w/ chapter 17
Status: In Progress [17 chapters, story in progress]
Summary: [multiple slash][Paul/Billy centric mostly] You told me that you loved me and I pushed you away. I was scared. Scared of everything. Scared of how that made me feel... You had me and you rejected me. Threw me to the side like I was nothing. I feel like nothing... I want you, but you'll never look at me like you look at him. I'm both blessed and cursed, to be so close to you yet so far away... Everyone is falling apart and it's all I can do to try and put them back together...
A/N: Not much to say here. If you haven't read One Minute And Twenty Seconds Of Your Time yet, I'd advise you do so so that way you don't get confused seeming as this is the sequal and all ;o) *scroll down approximately 8 entries or so and look for the entry titled One Minute And Twenty Seconds Of Your Time and you can start reading*
Dedication: Kaysea is the raddest of the rad, as is Ashy, and I love them both. ;o)
Disclaimer: Fiction. Not true. Lies. This story is all lies. *nods* Yes, it is. A bunch of lies. And since you're all such honest people I know you would never read such filth. *rolls eyes* lol Enjoy.
Chapter 01: What I Meant To Say
Two months have come to pass since that night that we spent together. You lost that sparkle in your eyes and it broke my heart to know that I was the cause of that. I doubt that you care, but I’ve noticed you haven’t been the same since then. Not just towards me, you’re not the same person. You look the same. You sound the same. You make the same goofy jokes. You’re still the last one to band practice every single time. You still tease us about how unhealthy the food we eat is. You still do all those things. But you’re not the same. I hate knowing that you’ll never be the same.
I really wish that it was still possible for us to at least be friends like we used to be. But I know that I’ve crossed a line that can never be undone. I miss being able to hang out and talk to you like we used to. I don’t have the right to ask for your forgiveness. I understand this, and that’s why I don’t. Saying sorry is for someone who believes he can redeem himself and be forgiven. I don’t say sorry. I can’t undo the things that I’ve done.
I’ve done a lot of things that I’m not proud of. This time I fucked up so completely. I told you that everything was a mistake. After that, all of this was supposed to go away. I was supposed to be able to suck it up and move on. I had given up the opportunity to grasp something I had only ever dreamed of touching upon. I gave that up. Why?
There are a couple reasons. Reasons that aren’t really reasons at all, just excuses. As long as I keep pretending that these excuses are really reasons and that they are substantial, then I’ll be able to make it through the days. It will be painful, but at least I’ll make it. That’s all that really matters in the end, isn’t it? Making it through.
You look good. A lot better than, well, better than you have in a long time. Some of the life has returned to your form and dare I say that the twinkle has, at least faintly, been replaced in your eyes? You’re getting over me. I can tell. For a while you had this air about you like any wrong action or thing said might have the ability to knock you down. Now you walk more confidently. The beautiful smile that I dreamed about has returned to your lips that tasted so sweet on my mouth, once upon a time. I put that story to an end before it even had a real beginning…
At the moment we’re confined to a tour bus. I don’t even bother to cringe anymore when the bus goes over a bump and my head that is leaning against the cool glass window smacks onto it rather roughly. It hurts. I deserve it though. I’m an asshole. I’m an asshole in the worst kind of way.
I’m an asshole that doesn’t even have the decency to tell the truth because I’m such a fucking pussy. People might care, people might think of me differently. I’m the kind of asshole that has no fucking balls. I’d rather go along with the way things are supposed to be instead of breaking away from the safety of normalcy. I’m the kind of prick that knows he’s an asshole and doesn’t do anything, even though it’s within my power, to fix things. And all of this wouldn’t be that horrible if I wasn’t completely an asshole, but I’m not. I’m only partially an asshole.
The rest of me actually cares that I’ve hurt you. I’m worthless fuck with a conscious but I’m still an asshole all the same.
With a silent sigh I get up, walk the small distance and heave myself into the tiny bunk that will be my home for the next few months. It’s cramped and confined. If I was claustrophobic this would be the physical embodiment of my hell. I put my headphones on and try and filter out any thoughts I have and just be consumed by the music. Of course, as luck would have it, it doesn’t offer the comfort that it normally does. Not many things offer me the comfort that they used to these days.
The one thing that does make me happy, is knowing that you’re okay. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you like I did. In my mind things didn’t play out the way they really did. I planned on saying different things and doing different things. But when the time came, I didn’t do the things I should have. I did something that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for.
I won’t deny that I said what I did out of fear, Billy.
I was afraid of you.
I was afraid of what would happen because I loved you back.
*****
Chapter 02: Omitting The Truth
I open my eyes and look around. Sleep clouds my mind and my dreams are still on the edge of my thoughts. I look down and am greeted with a sight that I have had the pleasure of viewing many times over the past few months.
Billy’s eyes are closed, his mouth opened just a little. His chest rises and falls evenly. His arm is around my waist, holding onto me snuggled up against my bare chest. To onlookers given his sexuality, I’m sure that this would look incriminating. It’s all so innocent that I find myself a little disappointed. Billy just needs the comfort of knowing that someone is there for him. I am glad to be that comfort for him.
He tries to be strong all the time but he’s not invincible. On nights like this he ventures up to me slowly, almost shyly, and asks if I will stay with him. Billy doesn’t want to wake up alone in the dark. I understand because I’ve felt the same before. Those times Joel was always there for me and I always felt like such a loser because Joel was the strong one. I would never have the chance to repay him. Now it was my turn to be the shoulder that was cried on. I’m just hoping that Billy is truly comforted by my presence.
I give in to temptation and allow my hand to venture up to Billy’s sweet face. My fingers brush gently across his smooth skin. A small smile tugs at the corner of his lips. Surely God is teasing me and it is only Billy dreaming of something wonderful that causes him to smile, not my touch. Hair has fallen across his gorgeous face so I take the opportunity to move it aside. There are many hours before morning will break.
I know that I won’t be able to get back to sleep. It’s peaceful times like this when most people would close their eyes and be greeted by sweet dreams. I just watch the sleeping figure next to me and press a soft kiss to his forehead, wishing him sweet and peaceful dreams. There are hours until the sun rises, and I have all this time to lay here watching him and thinking.
The thinking is the part that I like the least. There are too many things to think of, the bad often occupy my mind more than the good. I often times think about how Billy has been hurt, and the deceit behind what has hurt him. Paul… he said things to Billy. Things that Billy didn’t want to hear, things that weren’t true.
I know because that night Paul came to me with tears in his eyes. It was after band practice. Paul had gone home around 11. When the doorbell rang at 12:30 I was the only one up. Joel had fallen asleep on the couch and I had tucked him in with a blanket. I hadn’t wanted to wake him up since he looked so tranquil, it had been a long time since he’d slept well due to all the worries he had on his mind. When I answered the door Paul stood there looking miserable.
“Can I come in?” He asked. His eyes were bloodshot and his face tear stained. I stepped aside and let him in. Figuring that asking what was wrong would only make things worse, I sat next to him at the kitchen table and waited for him to say what he needed to say. A few minutes passed and he finally brought his eyes up to meet mine. “I did something awful tonight.”
Paul’s voice was shaky as he spoke. I rest my hand on his back before rubbing up and down in a soothing manner letting him know it was okay to continue. He reached out and rested his forehead against my shoulder. “I hurt someone that I love more than anything because I was too afraid to tell the truth.” Those were the only things he had said to me. I didn’t ask who or what he had done. I let him cry on my shoulder until he could not cry anymore. Then I led him up to my room and tucked him into my bed. I slept in Joel’s bed that night after checking to make sure he still was sleeping soundly and looked comfortable on the couch.
I kick myself in the ass for what I did the next day. When I went to Billy’s the next day and saw the state he was in I didn’t know what to do. My heart broke when Billy told me the name of who had caused his pain. Paul.
Paul… Billy was in love with Paul. I made a selfish decision then that I would lie and claim I had kept a friend’s confidentiality by not telling Billy about the way Paul felt for him. I despise myself for it. I caused Billy more hurt than he needed to feel by not telling him what I knew. It was all out of selfish hope.
I tried to convince myself that it was the right thing to do. Paul had had his chance and threw it away. By not telling Billy I was helping him out. He would get over Paul and then maybe he would realize that I was standing right in front of him. I was more deserving because I would never pass up Billy’s love because I was afraid. All of these things worked for only so long before I began to feel guilty. I still do. I don’t say anything now because I don’t want Billy to hate me. I’ve known all this time and never told him.
I wipe away a tear from the corner of my eye.
I know he never will, but I just want Billy to love me like he loves Paul.
*****
Chapter 03: Never What It Seems
I open my eyes and am greeted with the light of yet another day shining in through my window. Wiping the sleep out of my eyes I remember that it’s not my room that I am in. I frown a little, not because I’m in Benji’s hotel room but because of the reason I am here. Sometimes at night I still think of you and I wake up feeling cold, empty and alone. I hate that feeling.
It’s those nights that I tip toe, head down, biting my lip with wide eyes that let him know I need his company and ask if I can stay. He always smiles a little and nods, pulling back the covers to his bed and allows me to climb in next to him. I crawl over next to him and wrap my arms around his strong frame. His strength makes me feel more safe when he holds me in return. I bury my face in his chest and intertwine one of my legs with his own.
On more than one occasion when I awake I wonder if this ever makes him uncomfortable. My being so close to him, I mean. If it does he never says anything, never complains or jokes about those nights. Light hearted comments might make some feel better but I feel more able to confide in him knowing that he understands.
It takes a few minutes for my eyes to begin to adjust to the light that has caused me to wake. I revel in the warmth provided to me by Benji’s body. I hear a bit of a chuckle. “Are you aware that you make some of the cutest noises that I’ve ever heard when you’re sleeping?” Benji said batting his eyes femininely.
I shake my head a little and smack his head lightly. He leans down and kisses the top of my head. “I’m dead serious, man. You mewl or something. Kind of makes me wonder if I should be wondering what you’re dreaming about?” He raised an eyebrow good humouredly. Honestly, I hadn’t even been aware that I was dreaming. I just shrugged a little.
“Don’t know. I don’t remember.” I admitted sheepishly. I didn’t find it weird that he hadn’t untangled his limbs from mine and that neither of us were making any effort to. It just seemed normal somehow laying like that, covers pulled to our waists, my head resting upon his chest feeling every intake and exhalation of breath.
“Hey Benji, want to go get some break--what the fuck?” Joel was standing in the doorway looking surprised and confused.
“Oh… h-hey Joel.” Benji sat up quickly with a look on his face that I couldn’t exactly read.
“Hi Joel.” I offered meekly knowing how this must look. Given, I hadn’t told Joel about my sexuality, or anything that happened with Paul. But even I’m not so naïve as to not know how this must look, two grown men laying in bed half naked, arms wrapped around one another protectively. Silently I cursed myself for having put Benji In this situation, especially in front of his own brother.
“I’m going to come back in a few minutes. Didn’t mean to disturb you…” He trailed off before turning and closing the door behind him.
“Aw shit.” Benji hopped out of bed and went over to one of his suitcases. I watched him as he dug through the bag until he found some clean cloths before pulling them on.
“Benj, I’m sorry.” I offered from my place still sitting under the covers. Slowly I got up and started to leave. “I’ll talk to him if you want…” I trailed off when I saw him give me a half smile. He wasn’t mad at me.
“It’s okay. I might as well. Do you mind though. I mean, if I tell him at least a little bit about what happened? Or do you want to tell him?” I was very grateful for his offer. Having to recount the story was not my idea of a pleasant conversation.
“Go ahead. I’m really sorry again. I’ll see you in a little while.” I opened the door and started to walk out when the sound of his voice stopped me.
“Billy?” Benji spoke my name just loud enough for me to hear. I turned around to face him. His lip rings were glinting in the morning sunlight and his eyes were full of concern. “Don’t let this stop you from coming to me. If you don’t want to be alone at night, I’m here. I don’t want you to ever feel like it’s not okay for us to do this. Do you understand?”
A smile tugged at the edges of my lips. “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Benji. I really don’t. You’re too good to me.” I gave him a hug and a quick peck on the lips before tousling his already messy hair. With a boyish grin he feigned shock and slapped my cheek lightly.
“William Martin, I will have none of that teasing. We wouldn’t want you unable to walk because you’ve been ravished in the best of ways.” Benji winked at me and I laughed rolling my eyes.
“Because we all know you love cock more than poon.” I joked rolling my eyes once again. Smiling at him one more time I left so he could go talk to his twin. I seriously hoped that Joel wouldn’t freak out about anything. He’s not a homophobe in the least bit and he’s quite aware that Benji is rather open and eccentric. Joel has nothing to worry about though, Benji’s as straight as a line. I just hope that he doesn’t find it too weird about my night time visits.
I sigh a little and again I’m reminded of how pathetic I feel because I needed to depend on someone other than myself.
What the fuck. I tried that bit on my own and things didn’t work out so well.
Maybe the key to making everything all right again is to suck up your pride and know when you need to ask for help.
Or maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better.
Either way, I’m not going to give up the time I spend at night with Benji. It means too much.
*****
Chapter 04: My Confession To You
Benji smiled as he watched Billy’s retreating form. Pulling his eyes away he shook his head a little. His eyes couldn’t help but to wonder over his friend’s form. There was something graceful about the way Billy moved. Even at such an early time in the morning his muscles rippled in an almost feline manner. His frame was thin, but Billy clearly had guitarists muscles, making his arms look a little larger and his shoulders a little broader than would seem normal for someone of his size. These things made him all the more beautiful in Benji’s eyes.
Snapping out of his trance like state he turned and went to search for Joel. For a few moments he stopped once he was outside of his twin’s door and for the first time he wasn’t sure what Joel would say. That had never happened to him before. He had always been able to form some kind of idea in his mind of what the other would say. Many attributed it to the ‘twin thing’. Benji would not deny that he felt a connection with his brother, but he also felt it was because his brother and he had an understanding that no one else could touch upon, having been there for one another and grown up with the same hardships.
Biting his lip, Benji sighed and knocked on the door. Normally he would have just opened it, as he always did, and walked right in. There was no fear of seeing his brother naked or interrupting him doing anything else. At one point or another they had walked in upon each other during the most awkward of times, whether it be jerking off or having sex, and they had always been comfortable enough to laugh it off later. Now, Benji found himself so completely insecure with what he was about to do. He’d never felt that way towards his brother before.
Joel opened the door a few seconds later. Immediately, he turned a few shades of pink and his gaze fell to the ground. “Hey Benj,” he mumbled. The sight made Benji want to burst into tears, he could feel them stinging at the back of his eyes. Why did his brother have to look at him like this, and then refuse to look at him at all? It made Benji all the more frightened to tell Joel all the things that he had to tell him.
“Can I come in?” Benji’s voice was feeble. He almost sighed with relief when his younger brother looked up at him with concern in his eyes. The ‘twin connection’ had not been severed, Joel had recognized the uncertainty in his older brother’s voice.
After only a slight delay, he nodded and opened the door further allowing Benji in before shutting it behind them. Joel crossed the room and sat on the bed waiting for his twin to do something. Benji just stood in the middle of the room and awkwardly played with the bottom of his t-shirt. “Benji?”
“Yeah Joel?” He hoped that someone Joel had been able to read his mind and he wouldn’t have to say anything. No such luck.
“Is there… um… something you wanted?”
Benji let out a slight sigh and nodded. “Yeah, actually. What you saw before, it wasn’t what you’re thinking. Well, I don’t really know what you’re thinking, but I assume it’s not what you’re thinking.” He got it all out in a rush and looked up. Joel was pink again and looked confused. “Billy and I weren’t doing anything. I know it must have looked kind of…” Benji searched for the proper word before coming up with, “suspicious. It’s just a really long story which I’m going to have to tell you.”
Joel held up his hands a little and shook his head. “No. I mean, Benji, that’s completely cool if you’re with Billy. You don’t have to try and…”
Benji shook his head feeling tears stinging at the back of his eyes once again. “That’s the thing though. I’m not with Billy.” Stopping, he breathed deeply and tried to blink away the tears. Joel watched as his other half began to lose him composure. Joel offered his arms to Benji, but he shook his head, refusing to let himself cry. This was not the way he was supposed to tell his brother. He didn’t want to come off like some sad woe-is-me sap. Taking one more deep breath he found his voice.
“Billy comes to me at night sometimes. He doesn’t always like to stay by himself in the dark because of stuff that has happened.” Benji looked up to see his brother’s full attention was on him. This made him feel better, but it also made him a little more fidgety. “Anyway, at night every now and again Billy comes and asks if he can stay with me. I always let him because I know that he doesn’t want to be alone. I can kind of relate to the feeling. It’s kind of like what you used to do for me when I was going through… a rough spot,” Benji phrased about the depression he had sunk into some time ago.
Joel nodded understanding a little more, but not understanding why his brother looked like he was about to cry. “I know there’s things you’re not telling me.”
With a nod of his head, Benji’s gaze fell away from Joel’s once again. “Yeah. I’m just a little slow at finding the right words.” Benji admitted. [a/n: no I’m not saying he’s slow, in case any of you think I’m trying to be insulting. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a time like that, but it’s like you want to talk about something but you can’t find a way to word it because it’s hard to talk about] Joel nodded for his brother to continue when he was ready. “Billy’s gay.” Benji admitted flat out. He decided to skip the details between what happened with him and Paul, not wanting to alienate their other friend, if he didn’t want to talk about the occurrence. “Someone broke his heart. That’s part of the reason he comes at night.”
Pausing for a few seconds Benji knew he had to finish at that very moment or he may not have the strength to do so. “It eats me up because I love Billy. I don’t want to see him hurt like that.” His eyes finally met their mirror image. “He doesn’t know and I’m not so sure that I’m ever going to tell him.”
There was a moment of silence as Joel took in this information. “You’re gay?” Joel asked. His tone wasn’t menacing like Benji had feared it would be. It was more curious than anything else, perhaps even gentile.
With a bit of a shrug Benji bit his lip. “I’m not sure. I just know that I love Billy.”
“So you’re bisexual.” Joel stated. Benji nodded a little.
“I guess so.”
“When did you know?”
Benji hesitated for a moment. “Right after Billy got out… he had his heart broke. I found him, and I have been figuring it out since then.” Joel didn’t say anything and Benji started to get worried. “You’re not mad at me are you?”
With a small chuckle, Joel shook his head. “Benji, I couldn’t be mad at you if I tried to be. Come here you big freak.” Joel held out his arms once again and this time Benji gratefully snuggled into them. He felt as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Having kept to himself the way he felt for so long had been tiring, especially since he had been so close, yet so far, from the one he truly desired: Billy.
“Benji?” Joel asked, his arms still wrapped tightly around his older brother. “I love you. I know that you don’t hear it enough, but I’m proud of you. Mom, Josh, Sarah and I, we’re all so proud of you.”
This time, Benji felt a tear slide down his cheek. He didn’t bother to wipe it away. Instead he frowned a little and buried his face into his brother’s shoulder. “Really?”
Joel nodded, pulling away a little so he could look him in the eye. “Really.” Benji smiled.
“I’m glad because I try. But I’m not always so sure it works out.”
“There hasn’t ever been a time when we haven’t been proud of you Benj. You’re my older brother. And even though you’re shorter than me,” Joel poked his brother in the side teasingly, “I’ve always looked up to you.”
“Stop getting mooshy on me.” Benji was grinning wider than he had in awhile, and he playfully punched Joel in the shoulder.
*****
Chapter 05: Mr. Nightly Romance
That night he came to me again. I opened my eyes and his silhouette was lit by the pale moonlight leaking in through the window. Whether it be due to the dimly lit room or to my still adjusting eyes, it looked as if he weren’t walking, but floating across the room. Billy smiled at me timidly as he climbed into my bed. “Hey,” he whispered in the hesitant tone that he always used on nights such as this.
“Hi Billy.” I pulled the covers up for him to slip underneath them and immediately opened my arms to the younger man.
“Mind if I stay the night?” Billy warmly welcomed my arms around him and snuggled into my embrace. The amount of self control it took to not get hard over the situation, every single time, was unbelievable. How I had managed to accomplish staying calm every time was beyond me.
“Course not,” I answered in reply, as I did every time he asked. Timidly, he wrapped his arms around me as well.
“Thanks Benji. You’re the greatest.” Comfortable and already at ease, he fell asleep soon after. I watched him as he slept for a few minutes before closing my own eyes. [a/n: normally I keep the pov the same for each chapter but ya know owell I’m changing it. I won’t make a habit of doing this often, but if I tell the rest of it from Benji’s pov it’s going to sound fucked]
That night the two slept, each having dreams of their own. In his sleep, Billy snuggled closer to Benji, one of his hands falling to his friend’s waist. Benji was having his own dreams of Billy, less romantic and more carnal. The two were face to face, merely inches apart. Both men were sporting hard ons underneath the sheets that covered them. Billy’s breath left his lips in a sigh and he leaned forward, his lips meeting up with Benji’s. The feeling was automatic as his lips pressed to Benji’s, and he immediately responded. In his dreams he was receiving sweet, light kisses from Billy.
The two men kissed in their sleep. Airy, sugary kisses. Feeling the other so close to him, Benji began to grind his hips into Billy’s. Both let out light moans as they kissed, partially enacting their dreams, partially responding to the other’s actions. Billy’s hips bucked towards Benji’s as they grinded into one another, their hard on’s growing and rubbing against one another. With motions that flowed so naturally, Benji’s hands made their way up the back of the t-shirt that Billy was wearing. Billy’s hands were placed firmly at Benji’s waist.
Only moments before Billy came, he woke up. At first, as he opened his eyes, he did not realize what was going on. As his mind tried to catch up, his body was still acting all on it’s own. Pulling away from Benji’s kiss, he felt himself twitch and orgasm. Breathing heavily he heard Benji moan his name. Benji came inside of his boxers as well, a small smile on his lips.
“Benji?” Billy asked through rugged breaths as Benji orgasmed. The sound of his name was all that it took for the older man’s eyes to flutter open. The two just lay there staring at one another.
Benji’s mind took it’s time to catch up as well. As he began to realize what must have happened, although he didn’t know why or exactly how, he pulled away and sat up. “Oh shit.” He mumbled to himself, feeling the familiar crimson climbing up his neck to his face. A hand over his eyes, he couldn’t bring himself to look at Billy. “I’m so sorry Billy. I’m so fucking sorry.” Benji got up and made his way into the bathroom, closing the door behind him and locking it. Shit. Oh Shit. What was he going to do now? What could he possibly do? He had just been humping, fucking humping his best friend in his sleep and gizzed all over the inside of his boxers. How fucking wrong was that?
“Benji?” Billy knocked on the bathroom door gently, feeling a little distraught and confused himself. He tried turning the doorknob but he found it locked. “Benji?”
“Go away.” Back pressed to the door he slid down it slowly until he was seated on the floor, knees to his chest and hands over his face muffling his voice. “Please just go away.”
“Benji… I’m not leaving.” Billy’s voice was low and his tone kind. He didn’t want to scare his friend into not talking to him.
“I just… I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry Billy, I’m really sorry.” Inside the bathroom he was trying not to panic. His mind was racing. He knew that he had to open the door and let his friend in and tell him something. As to what he was going to say, he didn’t know yet. What a shitty way this would be to admit to your best friend that you’re in love with them, especially when you know that deep down they’re still in love with your other best friend. What kind of fucked up love triangle is that?
Running his hands through his hair, he realized that he was shaking. Billy was just about to ask his friend to open the bathroom door once more, when he heard a small metallic click. Reaching his hand out he tried the doorknob and sure enough, it turned.
The lighting in the hotel bathroom was dim. Already, Benji was huddled in the corner, eyes not meeting Billy’s. He closed the door behind him and sat on the cold linoleum floor, his back now pressed to the door facing Benji. Billy couldn’t see Benji’s eyes clearly, due to the lighting they were shadowed. Benji’s cheeks flushed a light red. Billy wasn’t sure if this was from the older man blushing, or from what they had been engaged in minutes before.
“What’s going on?” The words escaped Billy’s lips before he could stop them.
“I didn’t want to tell you this way. Only Joel knows…” Benji started trying to find a way to word what it was he wanted to say. “I was dreaming about someone, a guy someone. I’m bi.”
“Oooooh,” Billy said. Benji hadn’t necessarily been ready to tell anyone other than his twin about that, what an awkward situation he had been put in. Billy couldn’t help but feel a little guilty since he was the reason that he had been put in such a situation. He smirked a little and raised an eyebrow. “So who was Mr. Wet Dream? Or is that a secret?”
“I can’t remember.” Billy took Benji’s dishonest tone as being sheepish instead. He had to catch himself from letting out a sigh of relief once he realized that Billy was buying it. Out of no where Benji asked, “Who were you dreaming of?”
Billy blushed a little and smiled not saying anything. He looked at his friend a little differently. Surely, Benji wasn’t interested in him, but it was nice to know that he had a friend who would have to go through similar things as he was going to.
“Come on.” Standing up, Billy offered a hand to his best friend and pulled Benji to his feet. “Get yourself cleaned up and get your butt back in bed.” As Billy sauntered out of the room and back to his to clean himself up as well, Benji frowned a little. That had been so close. Extremely close. But maybe now, now that Billy knew, things could happen on their own.
‘Keep dreaming fucktard,’ he thought to himself as he washed off and changed into a clean pair of boxers. ‘You know who he was dreaming of. He’s never going to look at you the way he looks at Paul.’ Benji bit his lip and shook his head a little, climbing back under the covers. A few minutes later he felt Billy climb in beside him.
“Night Benji.” He murmured, placing a kiss on his forehead.
‘God, why did you send me an angel that I could never deserve enough to have as my own?’ Benji thought bitterly before drifting off to sleep.
[a/n: I have actually read somewhere about people having sex in their sleep and not knowing it, so yeah haha this is not that farfetched, especially with two hot ass horny boy boys haha]
*****
Chapter 06: Overheard Whispers
Paul lay awake in bed staring at the ceiling, not for the first time. The unfamiliar hotel room, that wasn’t that unfamiliar at all since all hotel rooms had taken on a monotonous overture, was of no help in coaxing him to sleep. Many things played at the back of his mind, though he couldn’t exactly pinpoint what was bothering him at the moment. Hearing movement from the hallway and being as awake as he was, he got up and went to his door, pressing his ear against it. Hearing nothing he was careful to slip the door open just a little.
The lightweight shuffling could only belong to Billy. It had been years since Paul had learned to distinguish his best friends and band members footsteps. Billy’s were light, and slow because he wasn’t in a rush to get anywhere he’d rather take his time and see everything, the footsteps of an artist. Benji’s steps held more weight to them and were very brisk, you could tell he was used to getting places quickly with little thought to who heard him, the footsteps of someone whose past, though not always in mind, had affected his body language and motions until the fleeing tactic had become habit. Joel’s, now they were harder to read. His footsteps fell somewhere in between, not heavy yet not light, not fast but not particularly leisurely either. Paul wondered what his footsteps told about him.
Straining his ears to listen, he tried to recognize where Billy was going. Billy. A small sigh left his lips and he felt a tugging at his heart. Time was supposed to ease pain but it only seemed to make regrets worse. Benji’s room… Billy was going to Benji’s room. A few minutes later when he didn’t hear his friend returning to his room, he began to wonder what exactly Billy was doing in there.
Sleep wasn’t going to come to him tonight. Opening the door he entered the main hotel room. On one wall there was a small makeshift kitchen, at the other end of that same wall was a sliding door to a balcony, the middle of the room served as a living room and another wall gave way to the door of a bathroom. From the remaining walls the were doors to each bedroom. Aimlessly, Paul wondered into the small kitchenette, grabbing himself something to drink. He brought it with him out to the balcony hoping to clear his mind.
Some time later he came back in. Walking past the door to Benji’s room, he thought he heard noises. Stopping in the midst of his footsteps, he held his breath and listened. Moaning. There was no mistaking that sound as two men moaning. In Benji’s room. And Billy hadn’t returned to his room. Paul’s heart sank a little. ‘That’s what I get,’ he thought to himself. ‘You didn’t expect him to wait for you forever, did you?’
Bowing his head, he made his way back to his room. Pulling the covers to his chin he hoped that sleep would come. He didn’t want to dream, but with any luck he wouldn’t remember his dreams and he could have a break from this harsh reality.
Hours later Benji awoke from his sleep to Billy in his arms. He looked down and blushed remembering what had happened. Nothing like that had ever happen to him before. It made him nervous to be this close to Billy knowing that he might do something, while he was sleeping nonetheless, that he would never have the courage to do while he was awake. The thought alone made him feel down.
The sun rose bringing another day. The only one seemingly unaffected by the odd love triangle consuming his band mates, was Joel. And although he was the only one that wasn’t at his wits end or in the funk that seemed to have affected his friends and his twin, he was the only one that noticed that it was affecting everyone.
Joel was worried about his brother, he was worried about him being in love with Billy. At the same time, he had someone else in mind that he was afraid for. A good friend that he didn’t want to see hurt. He didn’t say anything to his twin though, it wasn’t his place. He just had to let everything play out the way it played out. He had learned long ago that tampering with people’s lives always fucked everything up in the end and made you feel guilty when the good things he was trying to do didn’t work out.
All day Billy spent trying to figure out what was going on. He wasn’t sure if Benji was ignoring him or if he was ignoring Benji or neither were ignoring one another or if they both were ignoring one another. Either way, they were never in the same part of the tour bus that day unless someone else was in the room. Most often, that person was Joel. Eventually Billy came to the conclusion that he was not ignoring Benji… Benji must be avoiding him.
The only reason he could think of as to why his best friend would all of a sudden become so shy with him would be because of what had happened that night. True, it had been very embarrassing. Had one of them been straight it would have been more than just embarrassing, it would have been downright humiliating. Billy couldn’t help but admit to himself that he had actually liked it. It hadn’t felt wrong. Not in the least. There was no way that he could tell Benji that, not with the way that he was acting. Somehow he knew that Benji wasn’t mad at him, but at the same time, he knew that Benji looked at him a little differently, and he couldn’t figure out if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
Maybe it was neither.
Maybe it was both.
[sorry this chapter sucked a lot of dick. The next 2 are going to be a LOT better I promise. And hopefully all the ones after that will rock your socks too.]
*****
Chapter 07: Making The Moment
There are only a few more weeks left before we are off tour. That means that soon we’ll get a short break and be able to live semi-normal lives. The thought doesn’t thrill me but I don’t detest it either. Time to myself, it’s always good to help clear my conscious. I have a feeling that I’m going to need to clear my head a lot more and just sit down and think.
On the tour bus, everything is so confined. There is very little privacy and, for the most of it, it lacks personality. An entire tour bus, complete with décor and television and bunks and a kitchenette and more, yet none of it has a homey feel or even the feel of someone living in it. There are a few touches we’ve made to make ourselves more comfortable, but we might as well have just left the place as it was, nothing helped it.
Why, exactly, I am contemplating the lack of personality as I stare out the window and absent mindedly watch the scenery pass us as we travel to yet another destination, I do not know. Maybe, because it’s been a long time since I’ve felt like some place was truly my home. The closest I have come are my times with Benji…
“Hey.” I pulled my eyes away from the window hoping it would be him, but instead it was his mirror image. I managed to give a half smile and nod a bit in his direction.
“Hi Joel. How’s it going?” I asked half heartedly. Hopefully he would take my lack of enthusiasm to see him as my being overly tired.
“Billy… Can I talk to you?” Joel sat down next to me not waiting for a reply. It would have been rude of me to say no anyway, even if I was in a bit of an odd mood. Trying to focus my attention, I forced myself to keep eye contact. If I looked away I would probably stop paying attention, not on purpose, but at the moment my mind wasn’t wanting to wrap around any one thing at the moment.
“Sure.”
“I guess I just wanted to say I’m here for you. I know not everything is back to normal yet even though we all pretend it is.” My mouth dropped open a little, not to protest but, I was surprised that he was being this open with me. I guess everyone else wasn’t completely oblivious to what was going on with me. I was dealing with a lot more than I let on. “And Benji told me…” He paused and grinned at me. “I think you know what he told me,” Joel wiggled his eyebrows up and down teasingly. For a second I wondered if he meant that Benji had told him about what had happened the night before. A second later I realized what he was talking about.
“Oooh,” was the intelligent thing that I thought of to say in reply. I suppose that I blushed a little. I know that I smiled sheepishly and averted my eyes. It’s not that I was uncomfortable with Joel knowing, I knew that he would be cool with it, but it was still something new to be sharing with everyone since a very select few knew. Benji, Joel, Jay, my shrink and you. That makes five. Five people other than myself that know that I’m gay.
Joel started wringing his hands nervously, almost as if he could sense the small bit of awkwardness of the situation. “You’re Benji’s best friend,” he blurted out suddenly before anxiously playing with the bottom of his t-shirt. Raising his eyes a little he looked at me as his hands stopped moving for a moment. “You know almost as much about him as I do. I just… he’s my big brother, you know? You two haven’t exactly been cozy today, and I can only think of one reason you would have had a bit of a falling out suddenly…” For a moment his eyes searched mine as if looking for some kind of clue that I knew what he was talking about.
“Benji told me last night.” I answered wondering if he thought that I was angry at his brother in some way because of it. Letting out a bit of a sigh, Joel’s shoulders fell. “Listen, Joel, I’m not mad at your brother if that’s what you’re worried about. I just think he needs a bit of time to himself, get everything sorted out.”
“I just don’t want…”
I cut him off before he had a chance to finish. “Joel, you don’t have a problem accepting that your twin brother is bisexual, do you? I mean, I could understand you being okay that I’m gay. Surely, it might seem a little different to have your older brother…”
“No, no, no. That’s not it at all.”
I smiled at him. “Good. Then you won’t mind if he and I go out guy scouting.” It was meant as a joke, but for a moment he looked confused. I could have swore that there was then a brief look of recognition, like something inside his head clicked. The look disappeared just as quickly as it came and I dismissed it as me just misreading his emotions.
Shaking his head a little he laughed. “Have at it,” was his answer. Getting up he laughed one more time and left, shaking his head a little.
We played yet another show that night. I think all of our performances were better than they had been in awhile. Perhaps it was this new found bit of trust we felt towards one another. Surely, it had always been there, but we had all had our own insecurities about exactly how much the others would accept. Knowing that we could expect our best friends to accept us made everything a little more comfortable with ourselves. I’m not exactly sure about you. I don’t think Benji told you yet. I know that that is at least, if not wholly, my fault. I know that he must feel alienated. None of us have a clue what your reaction would be.
I’m still not entirely sure about the reason you acted towards me like you did. Maybe it was just some kind of experiment for you. Maybe what we did some how scarred you and brought out your inner homophobia. Whatever the reason, I haven’t a clue. I feel badly though that Benji feels as if he can’t tell you. I know that despite what has happened he still considers you one of this best friends.
Another lonely hotel room filled with the all too familiar overly tidy room with décor that is just a little too cheery. Ceremoniously, I go through the room lighting the available candles and closing the shades to block out the moonlight. I used to love to spend time in the dark, it was always so comforting. Now, there is something ominous about it. Shutting out a source of natural light might seem completely absurd, but the moonlight still reminds me of you. The pale light reminds me of your pale skin as moon beams danced across our skin as touch after touch was shared. The star light… the stars danced in your eyes that night.
Sitting on the floor, I try to shrug off the feeling. There is plenty of furniture to sit in… a bed, a loveseat and a cushioned chair. All of them overly stuff. I prefer the cold, biting touch of the floor. Tonight I don’t think I’ll try and sleep. Sleeping would bring the all too familiar nightmares and feeling of loss. I would want to climb into bed with Benji and feel like at least one person cared, but, at least for the time being, I’m not so sure that would be an entirely great idea.
My head snaps up when I hear the creaking of floorboards outside my door. I hold my breath as I hear a slight pause in the rhythm of the squeaking. A pause. Someone outside my door is contemplating whether or not they should bother to knock or turn and leave. I wasn’t sure which I would have preferred. I felt like being by myself at the moment. At the same time, I was curious to know who was standing outside my door.
As if reading my last thought, there was a light knock at my door. Whoever was there was still hesitant. I waited for a moment before getting up. By that time I could hear the footsteps retreating, as if losing nerve. I opened the door, the noise startling whoever had been in the hallway enough to cause them to stop and turn around. In the dark I couldn’t see who it was. The person took a few steps forward and by the look in the eyes I knew that it was Benji.
Offering a lopsided, half smile he looked down to the floor. “I thought maybe I’d change the order of things tonight.” Voice light and teasing, I knew it was to hide whatever it was that he was really thinking. Stepping aside, I let him into my hotel room. He hesitated for a second, looking around the room as if searching for something. I wondered what it could be that he was possibly looking for. I know that all of the hotel rooms we got were identical. Snapping out of the daze that he was in, he walked further into the room and sat down on the loveseat.
Not even thinking to the happenings of the other night, I sat down beside him on the bed. “Sorry if I was being a dickhead today. I just,” Benji paused for a moment. A piece of his long hair, which was actually clean and worn down, fell across his eyes. Pausing, he swiped it out of the way, only to have it fall back into the same place. “I just didn’t think I was ready to tell anyone other than Joel yet.” Flashing a sad smile, I understood what he meant entirely. “Forgive me?”
Smiling at him I nodded and wrapped my arms around him in a hug. “You’ve done too much for me to be mad at you over something like that.” His arms fell comfortably around my waist. I tried to hide my surprise when I felt him burying his head into the crook of my neck. I was used to the one being consoled, not to being the shoulder leaned on.
“Good. Everything else feels complicated right now.” There was a slight pause. I knew he was hesitating before saying something else. I ran a hand down his back and then back up, rubbing it soothingly, letting him know that it was okay to continue.
Benji pulled away a bit and looked me straight in the eyes. He was biting at his lip rings nervously tugging them into his mouth. For a moment he looked away and I wondered what it was that he was thinking about.
A second later I understood his nervousness, embarrassment and sudden shyness as he pressed his lips to mine.
*****
Chapter 08: Breathe His Name
A thousand thoughts ran through Benji’s mind as he pressed his lips to his best friends. ‘So this is what it’s like to kiss a guy’, ‘his lips are just as soft as I’d imagined’, were among the first and soon followed by ‘Oh fuck, what am I doing?’ Just as he was about to pull away and apologize profusely before running to hide in the comfort of his room, he felt one of Billy’s hands make a fist. It was gently pulling part of the back of Benji’s t-shirt into his hand; Billy’s arms were still around from the hug they shared. A moment later, his lips responded as well.
The kiss was slow, simple and sweet. Benji was the first to pull away, eyes closed. He was afraid to open them and see the expression upon his best friend’s face. Seconds later, he felt a hand gently placed on the side of his face, thumb rubbing softly against his cheek. “Benj…” Slowly, he opened his eyes once again biting at his lip rings and pulling them into his mouth. “What was that for?”
Billy’s voice wasn’t hostile and for a second Benji wasn’t entirely sure what he was talking about. ‘Benji, you dumbass. You just kissed your best friend, of course he’s going to want to know why you did it,’ mentally he scolded himself. Fretfully, he focused his attention to some point in the room almost directly behind Billy’s left ear. “I just…” his voice immediately trailed off.
A silence settled between the two and minutes passed where nothing was said. The awkwardness of the situation was getting to Benji. Just as he opened his mouth to try and speak, he was surprised to feel Billy’s lips meet his. Shock wore off quickly and was replaced with the desire to return the action. Quickly, the kiss went from light and sweet to desired and hungered. Benji’s lips left Billy’s as he started kissing down the other man’s neck, gently sucking and kissing. He knew that if he thought about what he was doing he wouldn’t be able to go through with it. He would over analyze everything.
“Mmm… Billy,” Benji moaned lightly as the younger man teased his taunt nipples through the fabric of his t-shirt. Benji continued his downward decent, placing sensuous kisses along Billy’s collarbone making sure to pay special attention to all the spots that made Billy’s in take of breath sharper. His hands played along the elastic of Billy’s boxers before he hesitated. Surely, sex was sex and making love was making love, it couldn’t be that different from a woman, but at the same time everything was completely different.
“Please don’t stop…” Billy mumbled barely coherently. Inexperience of this kind cause the first time jitters to hit Benji like a two by four rendering him virtually paralyzed. There was nothing he could do, his body wasn’t responding to what his brain was telling him. He was frozen in place. Taking matters into his own hands, Billy gently pushed Benji backwards laying him down on the bed.
Everything finally started to register with Benji. Here he was laying on his best friends bed, the man that he loved… and he was kissing him, touching him, arousing him. Billy climbed on top of the older man, their lips crashing together heatedly. Hands were quick to roam and tongues battled for domination of the others mouth. Billy was straddling Benji, his hard dick pressing sensually into Benji’s stiff, erect cock. Slowly Billy began grinding against Benji’s dick making him harder still and soliciting gasps and moans from his lips.
Hastily, he removed Benji’s shirt before continuing to undress him. Laying there completely exposed, Benji’s cheeks flamed red with insecurity. Nothing was said to ease his fears, instead Billy’s lips pressed against his once again. Caught up in lust, Benji gained a bit more courage as he made Billy moan, knowing he was making the other hot when Billy started massaging his own upper torso. Benji slipped Billy’s boxers off of his beautiful figure and smiled. He had always imagined how beautiful the guitarist was, but never in all of his sexual fantasies had he compared to the real thing.
Billy’s body was utterly breath taking. Everything about him screamed perfection in some way or another. His chin length raven hair falling into his face but not managing to hide his sumptuous azure eyes. The small metal lip ring made his sensuous lips pout out even more so. Milky white skin, that could be described as nothing less than flawless, muscular stomach, the alluringly dark happy trail that Benji’s tongue used as a guide.
“Oh god!” Billy pushed his hips forward and his hand snaked down, pressing against Benji’s head. He’d never done this before, but he took Billy into his mouth, almost choking when the other pushed down his throat. It took a few seconds to get used to the feeling, but when he heard Billy moaning he knew that he couldn’t stop. His best friend, the man that he loved with all of his heart, was crying out for him. Through half closed eyes Billy watched as Benji’s head bobbed in his lap doing everything he possibly could to please the other though inexperience hindered him at times.
Benji’s fingertips grazed the inside of his younger friend’s thighs, gently drawing imaginary designs. He worked his tongue over the underside of Billy’s shaft faster as his moans became longer lasting. Minutes later he felt the younger man’s body began to tremor, before his hips bucked up one last time to meet Benji’s mouth and he emptied himself into the other’s throat. “Oooh… Paul.”
“What?” Benji lifted his head up and gazed down at Billy whose cheeks were flushed and body still gently shivering. “You just…” Taking a deep breath he closed his eyes, feeling his cheeks burn with shame. Should have expected this, should have known he was never interested in you.
With a look of confusion, Billy opened his mouth to ask Benji what was wrong. His mind trying to function through the haze of orgasm finally understood what had happened a few moments later. Benji kneeled before him, completely exposed and feeling utterly embarrassed. Shaking his head he grabbed his cloths, throwing on his shirt and boxers. Turning as quickly as he could, Benji’s face was as set as stone. “Wait, Benji please. I’m sorry…” Billy called after him as he slammed the door shut leaving behind the last bits of his pride, esteem and heart.
*****
Chapter 09: I Never Expected You To Love Me
Tears were stinging at the back of his eyes. “What’d you expect Madden? That he’d admit his undying love for you? Yeah fucking right. You knew that he could never feel the same way about you…” Benji shook his head trying to will the water misting in his eyes away before it could roll down his cheeks leaving him more humiliated then he already felt. He wanted to save one last shred of dignity.
“How the fuck could you?” Came the voice. Whipping his head around he caught sight of Paul standing a few feet down the hallway.
“Wha…” the word hadn’t even fully left his lips before the blond bassist interrupted him, yelling.
Nostrils flared and hands out, Paul wasn’t looking like the happiest person at that moment. “You of all people Benji, you know. I may be too chicken shit to say anything to him but you know. How can you go behind my back like that?” There was genuine hurt in his eyes, but his face was masked with rage.
Incredulously, Benji stood there too shocked to say anything. Paul continued to yell at him, at one point pushing him backwards into the wall. All he could do was stand there and stare as his mind tried to take in exactly what had happened and the one thing he was getting screamed at for. And all the time he stood there not saying anything or doing anything his friend only became more infuriated and continued to yell. Finally, when Paul had nothing left to say he stood there waiting for some kind of response from his friend. “Fuck you.” Benji whispered, eyes dropping to the floor trying to keep from doing something that he would regret later.
“What?” Paul heard him but was giving him a chance to change his remark and apologize.
“I said, fuck you! What, now you’re not only unbelievably stupid but you’re deaf too? You’re so busy falling all over yourself with pity because you fucking love him but you won‘t do anything about it. Well get over yourself for fuck’s sake! I don’t see how it’s so easy for you to pretend like you’re the only one in the world, like he doesn’t hurt just as much as you do. The truth is, you hurt him worse. I don‘t know why, but he cares about you. The one fucking person that‘s not there for him and he cares about you. All he thinks about is you.” Benji didn’t realize it but the tears that had welled up in his eyes started to spill over. A few began making their descent over his plump eyelashes and down his face. His voice dropped a few decibels, “He even called your name.” Voice faltering, Benji spun on his heel and made his way down the hallway pushing the door to his twin’s room open and entering.
Joel sat with his cell phone pressed to his ear. For the past twenty minutes he had been listening to his friend on the other end. There had been a long discussion that Joel would never have pictured himself having because the two were not nearly as close as he was with other friends, though they were close nonetheless. Nodding, though the other party could not hear him, was his response. “I really think you should come out here,” was his belated response to the question that had taken him a few moments to digest. “He could really use you…” His voice trailed off when he heard yelling in the hallway. “Hey, can you hold on a second?”
That second his door flew open, revealing Benji. Quickly, he placed the phone down, not bothering to hang it up, on the side of the bed where his brother wouldn’t see. “Benji, man, you okay?” Concern showed in his voice as his brother made his way over to his younger twin’s bed.
“No…” Benji’s voice was small and broken as threw himself down on the bed, bringing an arm to cover his eyes as he tried once again not to cry. The tears were already spilling, slowly, but soon they increased in number and speed, dotting his face like dew that’s gotten to heavy for the grass to hold.
“Oh, Benji…” Joel gently lifted his brother’s arm to reveal his face. Turning away, Benji would not meet the other’s gaze, feeling weak and ashamed. “Come here.” Reaching his arms out he took his brother into his arms and held him.
Hesitantly, he buried his face into Joel’s shoulder and let out a sob he had been holding in. “He’s never going to love me.” Just saying the words out loud pained him. “He loves Paul too fucking much to care about me.” Pulling away from his brother, Benji met Joel’s eyes for a moment. Face crumbling, falling victim to his emotions, he whispered, “Billy even called his name.”
“Jesus, Benj…” Holding him, Benji sobbed letting tears fall and wet his brother’s shirt.
“I’m worthless…” came a muffled whimper.
“Don’t talk foolish. Mama would backhand you for saying something stupid like that.” Gently he kissed the top of his brother’s head, rocking him a bit until the other was so exhausted from grief that he fell asleep. Tenderly Joel lay Benji back onto the bed and pulled the covers up over him until he was neatly tucked in. Remembering that his phone was on he leaned over to pick it up. Just as he was about to turn it off he realized that it had never disconnected. “You still there?”
There was a slight pause. “Yeah. Listen… maybe a visit right now wouldn‘t be a good idea. We‘ll have plenty of days off…”
“I’m expecting to pick you up at the airport tomorrow morning. Don’t make me get up early and sneak around for nothing. You better be there.” With a click of a button he turned off his cell phone so the other could not call him back and attempt to talk his way out of coming up for a visit. It was a brotherly intuition, he knew that this visit would be good for his brother, and his friend.
Sitting at the end of the bed, he watched as his older twin slept, a small frown tugging at his lips. For a moment he wondered if he were the only sane one of the bunch. Lately, nothing got to him the way it did to everyone else. Obviously they all had to be insane. Either that, or suffering from some kind of condition that could be named only one thing: love.
And what a beautiful time for everyone to figure out what their hearts were telling them, only to go and fall in love and have their heart handed back in pieces. What a task it was to mend the broken pieces while projecting the perfect life to all who watched.
Joel let out a sigh before running a hand through his short, black hair. Silently he wondered when he would figure out what his heart was telling him. He just didn’t know anymore.
Lately it seemed like it wasn’t beating…
*
Chapters 10 and up are in the following post!
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Chapters 10 and up are in the following post!