The Decaying Mind Of A Tortured Artist
The Decaying Mind Of A Tortured Artist
Completed: AUGUST 27, 2003
Summary: [weird psycho-killer][slash]It's all part of his game. I don't know the rules and I'm too afraid to let myself admit the objective. I'm the last player. Everything depends on me...
A/N: Yes, it's meant to be confusing thus far, I purposely am not putting whose POV it is & I'm not going to mention names a lot until later chapters since I don't want to give away anything. Tehe I want to keep you all in suspense.
Status: COMPLETE 18 CHAPTERS
Disclaimer: All members of Good Charlotte are alive, well, and breathing. Thus I have come to conclude that none of these events that I'm writing have ever taken place. However, if they do in the future, I claim no responcibility.
Chapter 01
The rain was pouring down all around me. It has long since soaked through the cloths that I am wearing. Water is pouring down my body in rivers the same way that it is flooding the gravel streets. There are puddles up to my ankles and some as deep as my knees. It’s almost impossible to walk, it’s more like wading no matter where you go.
I’m not even sure where I am. All that I can see around me are trees. Huge, unfeasibly tall trees. My mind is working so slowly. I can’t understand how things so huge cannot managed to filter out this water. And yet it keeps coming and coming and coming like a hole has been let loose in a damn.
These monsters of nature block out any light that would have been possible. It is so dark that I cannot see more than a few feet in front of me. And all I can see is darkness, water, and trees. My cloths are sticking to my body and I’m quite aware of an aching that seems to have penetrated all parts of my body… all except for my mind. I can’t let it reach there otherwise there is no hope. I will be lost in this waterous [a/n: yeah, I made up a word. Sue me] forest from hell if I stop long enough to think and take in all that has happened within the past seventy two hours.
Jesus Christ. How did I end up in this mess? I’m not even sure. The only thing that I’m aware of at the moment is that there is a loud pounding that feels like it’s drilling holes in my skull. The water, it’s pounding down all around me. I hate the sound. I hate that fucking sound. But it’s not the pounding that is getting to me. It’s the sound of my heart beating and blood rushing through my veins. So impossibly loud. My heart is pumping so fast. I’m afraid it’s going to explode.
My lungs are burning, screaming for me to fill them with oxygen. I do, but I refuse to allow myself the huge gasp of air that I know I need. I have to be quite. I have to be silent. For the moment, while water is rushing past me and my limbs have become so cold they’re going numb, I know that I must be silent.
What was that? I turn my head ever so slightly. Something made a noise not too far from me, just out of my line of vision. Shit. There it is again. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. It’s him. I know it’s him. What else would be making noise while this place is practically flooded? Certainly no animals. They have taken shelter and comfort at higher ground. But I don’t know where the fuck I am. I can barely move, and when I do my body screams protests and I have to will myself not to keel over in agony. He knows this. He knows this so fucking well. It’s all part of his game. I don’t know the rules and I’m too afraid to let myself admit the objective. I’m the last player. Everything depends on me.
I see movement out of the corner of my eye.
Oh God. That’s the only thing that I could think at that very moment. Oh God, I’m going to die.
-
Chapter 02
*One Week Earlier*
A week ago everything was more than perfectly normal. Since then my entire world has been turned upside down. What’s important to notice is that there were no signs. None of us had the faintest idea of what was to come. There were no alarms or instances that made us wonder exactly what was going on inside of his head. Nothing close to the sort…
Joel was lazing around the bus as they drove to another nameless city to play for a nameless crowd. He loved performing more than most other things in life, and he held such a great amount of respect for their fans. But, the months away touring eventually began to take its toll on a man. There was only so much partying and working one could do before one needed some kind of break to be allowed some time of normalcy.
They had been on tour, whether it be playing shows or promotional events, and for the past year they had only had a hand full of days off. Nerves were wearing thin and everyone just wanted the chance to go home to visit family and old friends. The four had begun counting off the days around two weeks ago. There were only two days left until they would all step off the tour bus for a month. The longest vacation they had had in god knows how long.
Benji’s headphones blasted music allowing the others to only hear a dull roar of whatever it was that filled his ears. Probably MxPx. He’d been listening to a lot of them lately. Joel had laughed a little and welcomed the break from Rancid. Everyone on the bus loved Rancid, just no one nearly as much as Benji. No doubt the transition wouldn’t last long. Rancid was putting out a new CD soon and having befriended Lars, Benji would not doubt receive one of the first copies and play it until they all knew every guitar riff, bass line and drum piece by heart.
Paul had the television going watching some random game show channel. The contestants on the TV were competing to win some lame prize, a kitchen set or something of the sort. Quickly he lost interest in the topic at hand. He flipped back and forth between the channels trying to find something worth watching but never settling on anything for more than a minute before resuming his channel surfing. None of the others could help but notice how Paul had become rather distant lately. He didn’t opt for doing much of anything with them anymore. For the most part he kept to himself whether it be watching TV, reading, writing or playing his bass. Joel attributed it to the fact that he was probably homesick and with home just around the corner, he was just as ready as the rest of them to get some down time.
In a front nook of the bus, away from everyone else Billy sat. In his hand was a pencil and leaning against his knee was a pad of paper. A sketchbook, to be more precise. With hardly a thought the lines and shading on the paper soon took form into images. Eyebrows creased in concentration as his picture came to life. A few more minutes and the drawing was complete. With a bit of a sigh he stood up and cracked the joints that were tense from being in a hunched over sitting position for so long. Sometimes he wondered how he could ignore the pain so completely until he stood.
Billy ventured off to his bunk bed, sketchbook forgotten on the countertop of one of the tables. It was open to the same page that Billy had been drawn on when Joel entered the kitchen to grab something to drink. The book caught his eye so he went over and picked it up. Critically he decrypted the different shades of black and gray until he could make out exactly what it was. A small cottage with a backdrop of countless trees. The little cottage cowered in comparison to all the trees. For a minute he wondered why the picture was so dark before he finally realized that the trees were so tall that they blocked out most of the light. The little that did shine through was what illuminated the small house to be a shade of gray.
Putting down the pad, Joel felt a small shiver go up his spine and crawl up the back of his neck. For some reason he found the picture unsettling. Mentally he scolded himself for being so immature and let out a bit of a chuckle. Billy and his imagination. The boy could conjure up just about anything with that imagination of his.
Remembering his purpose for going into the kitchen, Joel opened the fridge and grabbed himself a bottled water before twisting the cap off and polishing off half of it at once. Hit the spot every time.
He watched him silently from the short and narrow hallway, glaring as Joel picked up Billy’s notebook. Turning away, he climbed into his bunk and pulled the curtain to his bunk closed. He turned over and rested his head upon the pillow.
Although his eyes were closed and his breathing shallow, he did not sleep. He never slept.
-
Chapter 03
There are so many things wrong with this world. So many god forsaken things. I never realized exactly how many until recently. I guess you could say that I had some kind of revelation, a turning point, a life altering conclusion if you will. Perhaps it was from the narcotics, or perhaps from the days that dragged endlessly into nights and back into days, in which rest did not come for me.
Don’t think less of me for these things. I know things that others do not. Perhaps these two things provided the courage to open the doorway, or perhaps they were just things that I did when I came to my realization. I do not know for certain, and I doubt any observer would either.
I do, however, remember the exact moment that my eyes were opened to the horrific events of the world. It was two weeks ago. Tour was long and grueling as always, our love for shows did not wane but the tiredsomeness of touring grew. Nights were long awaited, although I did not sleep I got to be with my lover and watch him rest so peacefully. Peacefully enough for the both of us. He never did question why he always awoke to my gaze upon him and never had the chance to watch my sleeping form.
After the show my dearest sweet lover announced that he was tired and was going to his room to sleep. His eyes drooped a little and he gave me a half smile. We always got four rooms now, despite the fourth hardly being used since we always spent the night together. However, he had asked that I stay in my room tonight since he thought that our manager was becoming suspicious. The others knew we were together, but we had not told our manager. We figured it was not his business to know, and until it became so he would be left in the dark.
I watched as my lover’s retreating figure faded from view with a smile. How much I cared for him I would never be able to put into words. He was my world, he was my everything…
Can you truly blame me for what came next? Of course I couldn’t stay away. I needed to be with him, feel his arms around me and his lips on my skin. Even if it was just the feel of his skin pressed against mine as I watched his sleeping form, I would have been more than pleased. I waited until I was sure that the others would have gone to bed in their rooms. I was as quiet as possible wanting to surprise my starry eyed lover.
At his door I waited for a second listening. There were sounds coming from inside. I heard a small moan and chuckled to myself. Lover was watching porn. How grateful he would be when I offered my mouth to replace his hand as it worked on his hard dick. I could almost feel him in my mouth and I smiled.
Quietly, I opened the door. The lights were off and the television was not on as I knew it should have been. The small gasps and moans weren’t coming from porn… The room was dark but moonlight filtered in just enough so I could catch a glimpse of two bodies intertwined, in a way that only my lover and I should have been, and heard another moan. My eyes filled with tears as I closed to door. Both were oblivious to my watchful eyes.
I stomped over to my friend’s room and flung open the door. Sure enough, the room was empty. Of course it was empty, he and my lover were together. My lover. My heart shattered into pieces as I tried to comprehend exactly why he would do something like this to me. I had always been so good to him. I had given him everything that I had and asked for nothing in return.
That was the night I realized how twisted this world could be. The little escape I allowed myself was the one thing I had hidden from my unfaithful lover. The syringe that entered one of my protruding veins of my under arm and pumped my body with the liquid calm I needed was what kept me sane. This, this thing that was so wrong yet so completely right was the only certainty that I had left. With this knowledge I climbed back into bed and just lay there, resting.
An hour and a half went by, the numbers on my clock burred to my eyes. I heard the door to my room creak open and then closed. Soft feet padded quietly across the floor and over to my bed. I felt it shift a little under new weight. Lover climbed into bed next to me, slipping one hand under the covers. “Hey baby.” He whispered into my ear.
I tried not to cringe. He smelled like cologne and sex. He lacked even enough respect for me to have showered before visiting me. Instead, lover pressed his lips to mine and as his tongue entered my mouth, all I could think about was how not so long ago it had ventured to one’s mouth and body that were not my own. Yet, I did not possess the strength to pull away and yell at him, to ask my lover how dare he be with another, someone who I had thought was my friend?
I was sickened with myself when I felt lover’s hard on grinding into my thigh as he continued to kiss me and I felt myself become hard too. How could my body betray me? I was angry with him. I was not supposed to be getting off on this. Still, I could not stop myself and felt my body easily respond. Actions performed countless numbers of times felt so natural between the two of us. All the while my mind screamed of how wrong this all was, that lover had been disloyal to me. I could have caught him so off guard at that very moment. I could imagine the shock on his face as my lips parted from his, he assuming it was just for need of air, and the few words I would speak would catch the air in his lungs. My lips parted from his and I took in a breath but the words did not leave.
“I want to be inside you.” The warm breath from his mouth filled my ear as he whispered to me. The single most intelligent thing my body allowed me to do was to refuse his request. How could he lay there next to me and ask to be inside me when just over an hour before, he had been inside someone else?
“No…” I whispered back in reply. Even through the dark I knew that he was looking at me oddly, wondering my reason for saying no. It was always this way, he always gave it and I always took it. Not tonight. “I want to be in you,” I continued. With a bit of hesitation and a smile he nodded.
Fingers trailed over familiar skin. The little cloths that we were wearing were thrown to the floor. His tongue snaked it’s way around my ear and down my neck. I hate myself more every moment as I moaned, and my body responded to everything he was doing to me. After torturing him long enough with my painfully slow hand working him until he could hardly breathe, I propped his knees over my shoulders. With nothing more than my precum for lube, I pushed my entire length into him all at once. I knew that this must be painful for him, my entirety inside of him, but I did not wait for him to adjust. With a firey passion I slammed myself into him over and over again. Lover made noises of protest and mewls of pain. I cared for neither and continued.
Soon, his cries of pain were replaced with that of pure ecstasy. He used all his energy to meet my thrusts, and still, I found the power within myself to push harder and farther. My fingers moved from gripping his sides to gripping his bony waist, positioning him so I could bury myself deeper. I could feel the resistance his body offered to have me driven so far inside of him. I could not let the image of my lover and my friend leave my mind as I continued. Closing my eyes I imagined wringing my friends neck. I could see the bruises that would form and hear the way that lover would cry as he watched. My fingers dug farther into his hips as I continued, thrashing at an unbelievable rate until I came deep inside him.
Exhausted, I fell forward onto him, and he wrapped his arms around me. “Oh God, I love you.” He whispered into my ear. How easy it used to be to believe such a thing. I could feel the sticky wetness of his cum on my stomach as our bodies were pressed together. With eyes brightly shining he asked me why I had never done that before. Apparently my brutality towards him was some kinky sex fantasy come true for him. Lover had had the most mind blowing orgasm in his life, or so he claimed.
He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him after I pulled out. While his eyes were becoming heavy and starting to droop, he placed gentle kisses to my neck before breathing his love to me once more. His breathing was soon shallow and rhythmic and I knew he was asleep. I watched him, laying in my arms.
Slowly my eyes fell to the bruises I had left him. On his arms, on his waist, and the longest and darkest ones were forming at his hips. I placed my fingers above the ones forming over his hips. Yes, they fit perfectly. I admired my handy work with a sinking realization.
They were caused by hate, and I had gotten off on thoughts of violence towards those I thought I loved.
That’s when I knew things could never be the same.
-
Chapter 04
Sometimes I wonder how long it took for him to get this way. At other moment, I wonder if he has been this way all along and we just never knew it. Perhaps he had hid it behind those innocent eyes, his polite mannerism, his good nature. It’s hard to imagine that someone you’ve considered yourself so close to for so long has been harboring such dementia behind the façade he has put up to the world. I know he had his reasons. I also know that what has happened is my fault. My friends are dead because of me…and I’m next…
[a/n: completely diff pov now, don’t mistake the person who spoke in the first paragraph to be either involved or not involved in this next paragraph. Might be the same person, might not. You’ll find out eventually. Haha I‘m evil. But you love it.]
Joel shook his head. Partially in disbelief, partially in shock. He tried to run the conversation through his head one more time and the events that had led up to it. Joel had walked in completely on accident. He had seen things that he wasn’t supposed to see. At first he had just chuckled and told the two to keep it down. When he realized it was not the loving couple, he was shocked. Benji was cheating on his boyfriend so close to being caught. His boyfriend sat just in the other room, listening to music or perhaps reading a book, maybe both. Maybe neither.
Joel had known that Benji had cheated on his lover once. But, Benji had sworn his twin to secrecy. It was a month ago, and he had swore that it was only the once. It was just an experimentation for the other. He had lied, and Joel had done nothing to prevent it. He felt so overwhelmed with guilt. Benji had been shocked, the other was even more. With a bit of a cough, and cheeks turning crimson, he closed the door and left. He knew that Benji would come and talk to him later.
Meanwhile, he felt the need to tell the other what was going on. He was Benji’s boyfriend. He had the right to know. He was so completely in love with Benji. He probably hadn’t the faintest of what was occurring. Joel didn’t know that he was actually in the bathroom, full consciousness of who Benji was with, and shooting up to take his mind off of it and try and scare away the images of the blood and pain he wished to cause on the two.
Later, Benji found Joel just as he knew he would. The younger twin didn’t say a word when the other entered the room. If Benji wanted to explain, he could. If he didn’t want to say a word, he didn’t have to. Joel didn’t speak, allowing Benji to know how truly disappointed in him he was. The older twin took a deep breath and sighed, his shoulders drooping and his gaze falling to the floor.
“I don’t know what you want me to say.” He said simply, sounding defeated. Still, Joel said nothing. “You know I love him. I love him so much.”
“And when you love someone do you normally fuck their best friend?” Joel spat at his brother. His eyes clouded with anger. There was no way he could understand this. Both men were his best friends, but to cheat on one to be with the other, it made all emotions in the situation so complicated.
“Fuck you Joel. You’re no better.” Benji said, eyes narrowing into angry slits.
“At least I had the fucking balls to admit it. I paid for my mistake. Notice, mistake, singular. You’ve been fucking off behind his back for god knows how long! A month, longer? How the hell is he going to feel when he finds out? He’s going to be fucking crippled with grief, he will.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” Tears suddenly sprung to the older twin’s eyes. “Don’t you think I know that already? That’s why I still haven’t told him. You can’t though. You can’t say anything. It’s just too hard. I love them both. How, how am I supposed to decide?”
“You’re so fucking selfish Benji. You have something so extraordinary, and you have to fuck it over by wanting more. Couldn’t, just for once, you stop thinking about yourself and think about him? Think about what you’re doing to him. Jesus Christ, with his best friend! You two might as well go and fucking stab him in the back at the same time.” Benji opened his mouth to speak but Joel held up his hands. “Please, don’t say anything Benj. I’m not going to tell him, if that’s what you’re worried about. But right now, I think it’d be better if you didn’t talk to me for a little while.”
Benji had a hurt expression, but he nodded. Of course Joel wouldn’t understand. He didn’t know what it was like to be in love with two of your best friends. How do you choose between the two? They’re both as big of a part of your life as the other. They both have all the things you’ve been looking for, just in different ways. They both love you so much. But maybe Joel was right. Maybe he just had a knack for sabotaging anything worthwhile in his life.
Later that night, when he thought his lover was asleep, he slipped out of bed. Cautiously and quietly as possible, he crossed the hotel room, to the adjoining main room and slowly creaked the door open to his other love. He could make out his beautiful features. So gorgeous, just as gorgeous as his other lover yet with features that contrasted so. There were no similarities. Both uniquely beautiful. Even through the dark he could see the framed picture that hung above the bed. Benji knew exactly what the picture was of. It was of a cottage surrounded by huge trees. A picture that Benji had given him when he told him that he wanted to get away for a few days, just as soon as they were off tour. That would be where they were going.
What he did not know was the fixation that had formed around the cottage. He had no clue that not far from him was a sketchpad with pictures of the cottage drawn in fine black pencil, the trees surrounding and almost engulfing it.
Benji felt a tear slide down his face. He was going to have to chose. There was no way he could keep this a secret forever.
Benji did not know that he never slept. He was in the other room waiting up, mind wondering in what ways he was being betrayed once again. Benji hadn’t a clue that the secret was already out.
-
Chapter 05
Already I know what you think of me. You couldn’t possibly understand. I won’t pretend like you shall. There is no way that you could ever begin to wrap your mind around such things unless you had lived them yourself. The best I can do is to try and explain it to you. I feel no need to justify myself. You think I’m sick, mental, disturbed. Maybe I am all of these things. Maybe I am deranged and perhaps I do need help that I was not offered. But I do know the difference between right and wrong. What Benji did was wrong. Lover broke my heart into a million pieces, broke everything that I thought was real… lover broke me.
Essentially there is wrong and right. What makes any one thing more wrong than an other? Wrong is wrong, as simple as that. I see what I did as no less and no worse. To say there are different levels of wrong would be to say there are also different levels of right, but isn’t something that’s right essentially right no matter how you put it? Why detract from how right it is? So you see, no one thing can be any more wrong or any more right than any other thing. Something is wrong or right and that is the end of it.
Benji was wrong.
I was wrong.
I have been wrong many times. I will be wrong many more times.
Benji had told me that he was going to spend some time with just his family as soon as we finished the tour. Reasonable request, I was going to do the same. I missed my family and could use to pay them a visit. Lover lied. Once again. I shouldn’t have been surprised, he had been lying to me for god knows how long. How naïve I can be. You cannot stop what your heart feels despite how hard you try. You can numb it from time to time, and that’s where I found comfort in my needle. My trusty syringe.
It was late at night and Benji was not spending the night with me. He was spending it with him. It amazes me to think of how bold he had become. More and more frequently he would leave me cold and lonely to spend time with him. Still I said nothing. I did not let on that I knew what he did.
What is the point in laying in bed if one is not going to sleep? I cannot sleep. Getting up I made my way to the small hotel bathroom. I don’t even know what city we were in. We had played another show that night. I had played flawlessly. I always played my part perfectly, be it music or the person that I’m supposed to be.
Alone. Once I was alone I could be myself. It used to be that I could be myself with lover. I find that I am disgusted with myself when around him now. The cool tile of the floor bites slightly as my exposed legs. Still I sit there, pulling a small spoon, baggie and lighter from my bag of toiletries. It does not take me long to prepare it, I’ve done it a thousand times before. Soon the liquid is bubbling slightly and I know that it’s perfect. So perfect. An elastic is so unnecessary. My arms veins stick out enough when I flex my arm, tapping them a couple times. Soon my veins are filled with the liquid apathy. How nice it is not to care. How nice it is not to feel.
Feeling so much lighter I stare to the wall of the bathroom. Everything is in a new perspective, as it always is minutes after I have enjoyed the prick of the syringe then surge of heroin. Drug of choice. Just before my thoughts wonder from all that troubles me I wonder if no one notices me withering away. No. No, they would not. It’s not something that they would pay attention to.
Some time later from my spot on the floor I can hear talking. Curiosity overtakes me. Quietly I make my way in the direction of those speaking. It sounds to me like a lover’s quarrel. Benji. Dear sweet Benji, why do you put me through such things? It takes me a few minutes to realize he is not speaking with whom I thought, but his twin. Oh Joel. Innocent Joel, why could you not have such influence over your older brother so as to make him like you. So innocent. I know that you would never lie to me. You are my true friend.
“Don’t even tell me you’re actually thinking about doing this to him?” Joel was trying to keep from getting mad. I stood outside the door listening. I recognized that tone. Whatever they were fighting about, Joel was not pleased with Benji.
“We’re going. I didn’t ask you to understand, I just thought you should know. I didn’t want to lie to you about anything. We never lie to each other.” Benji’s voice was pleading. Whatever he was talking about was upsetting him. A small smile crept to my lips. Lover was upset. How sad.
“What the fuck happens when he finds out? Are you just going to pretend forever? You know this isn’t right. You’re taking his best friend, his fucking best friend, to the very same place that he said he was going to take you. You gave his best friend the same fucking picture that he gave you of the little cottage. And to do what? Fuck his friend. I just don’t believe you.”
My eyebrows knitted together. They were talking about the quaint little cottage. The one up in the mountains… Lover wouldn’t. He may not respect me enough to stay true, but surely he could never do that.
“It’s not your business what I do.” Benji replied coldly.
“Listen,” Joel had lowered his voice considerably. I had to strain my ears to pick out what he was saying. “Just pretend for one second that you’re me. Fuck, pretend that you’re him. How do you think he would feel to know that you’ve had sex in the very bed, in the shower, in the places that he planned to make love to you? What if the situation was reversed?” Rationally and quietly, Joel’s voice portrayed none of the anger that it had before.
“The situation wouldn’t be reversed. He’d never do that to me.” Lover’s voice was meek and tiny. How true. I could never do the same. Never to him.
“I’m not saying anything. Nothing. This is your situation. If you don’t have the common sense to stop it now and pretend none of it happened, then it’s going to be you who breaks the news to him. I will not do your dirty work for you. I will not break his heart for you.” Joel answered. “I feign ignorance to all of this. And don’t you dare speak a word stating otherwise.”
Joel. My Joel. Even you would spare me the truth. Would everyone that I trusted keep the truth from me had I not found out on my own? Yes. Yes they all would. Perhaps it was foresight on their part. Maybe they had some inkling of what would happen. I doubt it thought. Even I did not know I would take things so far. But what is to be done? I can not change the way things have played out.
The rain is coming down quite hard. Sure enough they had gone to the cottage. I found the framed picture among Paul’s things. The picture I had given to lover. I have truly lost everything. It is his turn to feel what it is like to lose everything you love.
I shall bring him to the brink of insanity, push him farther than anything has ever pushed him before. Then I shall bring him back and welcome him to the harsh realities of the world. Let lover swallow that one whole.
How he handles it is up to him. When I am finished, I am finished. No more. My hair is sticking to my face as I stand down the road, car parked close to me. The person inside heaves a bit of a sigh in their chloroform induced sleep. Shaking my head a bit, I wipe the soaked strands from my face.
Let Paul and Benji enjoy the time they have together. They can enjoy it. They can spend the rest of forever together once I’m finished.
-
Chapter 06
Four friends stepped off the tour bus, glad to be back on the familiar streets of DC. They gathered their things, talked for a while before saying their goodbyes. Vacation. It wasn’t something that they received often. They would be in touch with one another, for now they needed a slight break, as would anyone friends prone to spend as much time together as they did.
Billy watched with suspicious eyes as Benji and Paul embraced. How could he have missed it before? It was just a little too comfortable, lasted a little too long. Breaking his eyes away he focused on his things. Benji came over to him and wrapped his arms around the thinner man’s waist. “I’ll see you in a few days, okay babe?” His sweet lips gently brushed Billy’s exposed neck. He tried not to stiffen up when his lover touched him.
Easily he turned around, still in Benji’s embrace, and faced him. “Yeah. Make sure and call my cell phone though. If I don’t answer I want to hear you leaving me messages.” Billy sugared his voice as much as possible, out of the corner of his eye seeing Paul watching.
“Of course,” Benji responded. Billy leaned down and kissed Benji passionately, his hands slipping into the back pockets of the older man’s dickies.
With an innocent grin and childish eyes he lowered his voice a little, though not particularly much since he still wanted Paul to hear. “Maybe we can even have some of those sexy late night phone calls. You know the ones I mean.” He leaned forward and sucked on Benji’s ear teasingly feeling him shiver, then nod.
“Y-yeah.” His reply came out weak. Teasing his earlobe always drove Benji insane.
With a smile he kissed his unfaithful lover one last time. “Bye.” Everything was so perfect. If he were any better of an actor, he would have to be a sociopath. Benji hadn’t a clue. Nothing could be happening in a better manner.
One night and one afternoon. That is how much time Billy would give Benji and Paul. Let them enjoy their time naively believing that Billy hadn’t a clue what was going on. In the meantime, he would spend the night preparing. First however, was a stop to the other side of town. A run down shit hole of a place, but it was where he could get the finest drugs. After the sale was made, Billy left, pockets full. He wouldn’t be back for quite some time, if he ever came back.
The night was spent shooting up and popping pills. All that he needed was packed in a matter of moments with nothing forgotten. In his mind he had gone over the list many times since he had first made it. At first he had written it down on paper before memorizing it and burning it. There was no trace of the list of things he would need. Mentally he made sure to check them all off as he placed them in the bag. Everything he needed was right in there.
The sun seemed to rise more quickly the following morning than it had ever before. Billy was not sure if this was because he was so anxious for the day to come or the substances he had filled his body with had just made it seem faster. Getting up he stretched his stiff muscles and cracked a few joints before taking a quick shower. Billy didn’t feel the need to take one so much as he wanted something to do to pass the time until he knew that Joel would be awake.
After what seemed to be another eternity of waiting, Billy jumped into his car. Months of not driving made him a little rusty so he kept it slow at first. Once getting the feel he sped the rest of the twenty minute drive to Ms. Madden’s house. Of course he had planned it meticulously. Joel would be visiting his family, but Ms. Madden would still have to cover at least half a shift at her work due to employee cuts that had to be made just over a month or so ago. Sarah and Josh wouldn’t be coming up for another two days. The house would be completely empty other than Joel. The circumstances couldn’t have been better.
Driving by his house he could see that Joel was not yet up. His morning schedule was so completely predictable, he followed it nearly religiously. First he would wake up and go straight to the bathroom to take his morning piss. Next he would head into the kitchen and fill a large bowl with cereal. What brand it was didn’t matter as he was often flitting from one favorite cereal to another.
Bowl full of his morning meal he would then head into the living room. Ms. Madden would leave out the paper for Joel to read through. He would flip to his favorite section, read a little and then carelessly put it away to read later, which he usually never got around to, and would flip on the television. Joel’s attention would be focused one hundred percent on whatever mindless cartoons or pointless talk show was on at the moment.
And since both the living room and kitchen were visible from the street since Ms. Madden always opened the shades wide to let sunlight into their quaint little house, Billy knew that things were going to be smooth. Parking down the street he casually walked up to the house. The door was locked, as he knew it would be. Fortunately, he was more than well aware as to where the key was hidden. Reaching his hand out behind the drain that emptied the water from the eaves of the house he produced the key and unlocked the door. Once In the house he locked the door behind him and slipped the key back into his pocket and was careful to relock the door behind him so he didn’t run the unlikely risk that Joel would notice.
Cleverly, he took up a spot in the closet. Once Joel awoke and headed to the kitchen, he would have to pass the closet in which Billy perched. While he waited he pulled the bottle of chloroform from his pocket as well as the cloth in which he would douse it with.
When Joel woke up and passed the closet, Billy, with the ease and stealth of an experienced sat burglar he would sneak up behind him. Of course, Billy would wait until after Joel had poured himself a bowl of cereal, and then from behind him he would grab him. Of course, Joel would attempt to scream, but his mouth and nose would be covered by the cloths. He would inhale the chemical and as he tried to defend himself, his efforts would become weaker and weaker.
Leaving out the untouched cereal would be too obvious. After being sure that Joel was unconscious, Billy would lay him upon the floor. He would leave out the box of cereal but put away the milk, and pour the cereal down the garbage disposal. No one would ever know that Joel hadn’t been home to eat his cereal. Billy would then go into the living room and make sure and mess the newspaper up a little, crinkling the edges and making them look as though someone had taken the time to read them. Billy would place Joel’s favorite section on top, the entertainment section, open to the page he had left off. Joel always planned on reading more, but if he didn’t finish it in one sitting, he rarely found the time to continue.
A trip back to the kitchen would be necessary to make sure that the chloroform had indeed worked since Billy had no experience with it. He would check Joel’s pulse to make sure that it was slow enough to ensure him that his friend was unconscious, but not so slow as for him to fear for his friend. Staging everything would be the hardest parts. Everything from there was smooth sailing. All Billy would have to do would be to go down the street, park his car out front and get Joel in the car.
Half an hour later everything had gone just as he knew it would. Joel was sitting next to him, head propped gently against the window breathing as if he were asleep. Billy made sure to check on him to see that he was all right. On the highway he drove near 80 hoping the time it would take him to reach his destination would be cut considerably. Two stops were made. One to get food. Billy had planned carefully and brought everything he needed, but his ambition had lead him to overlook one such facet. The second was made to change Joel’s position at a tourist stop. He didn’t want Joel to be uncomfortable as they were riding. The last thing he needed was to wake up miserable, it would just make everything that was going to happen that much worse. Better that he be well rested and comfortable for when the time came.
It would make everything hit home harder to Benji.
Benji. Unfaithful lover. He had not called the previous night as he had promised. Of course, if Billy were to ever have the conversation, which he wouldn’t, asking him why, Benji would merely insist that he had called yet Billy was sleeping. As always, Billy would go along with it, as he did with all of Benji’s lies. Not any more. Everything would be laid out for all to see very soon. Joel, Paul and Benji would know that Billy, soft, quiet, meek, loving Billy was not one to have his emotions fucked with. They would learn never to take someone for granted again.
The miles between Billy and the small cottage up north was becoming shorter and shorter with each passing minute. Soon he was standing outside, just down the road. Joel was slowly beginning to awake. The sun was starting to set behind the huge trees. Dusk feel much sooner out here than it did anywhere else.
Time drew nearer and nearer.
Billy was not impatient. He waited for the moon to raise in the midst of the star studded sky. That is when it would begin.
Three moons later it would end.
-
Chapter 07
You know the feeling of being watched? It’s almost like a sixth sense. First the hairs on the back of your neck start to rise. Next, you begin to feel kind of uncomfortable. You start to fidget and you become nervous. At that point, you don’t really know what is going on. The only thing you do know is that something is bothering you. Lastly, you feel the eyes on you. Where ever they are, they are boring a hole in you. The back of your head is the most common.
It’s kind of a defense mechanism, probably among the last of our primal instincts meant for survival. What’s frightening is when you become so wrapped up in something that you don’t even notice.
The thrill of slipping away without Billy knowing where I was truly going excited me. Sleazy, I know. But Paul wanted some time away. He was sick of keeping the two of us a secret. What had started out as a mere fling, an experimentation on his part, soon turned into more. I found myself falling in love with Paul. Or maybe I was never in love with him. Maybe I just got off on the thrill of knowing that what we were doing was dangerous. There were so many times that we almost got caught. And every single time I would get this rush of adrenaline. I felt like I was invincible. Nothing could touch me, nothing could hurt me. I realize now how completely arrogant I had become.
The ultimate show of egotism was bringing Paul to the cabin. It had been Billy’s idea for us to spend a few days there in the close future, yet I had chosen to take Paul. My knees nearly gave out when I said goodbye to Billy, the way he was nibbling on my ear and talking about the x-rated phone conversations he wanted to have. Knowing that Paul was watching and that he could hear, I had to use all possible physical restraint to keep a blush from creeping up my cheeks.
It was nearly two hours before Paul and I met up. I went home with Joel and Paul went home himself. Joel didn’t say a word the whole ride home. I knew that he was mad at me, mad for what I was doing to Billy. “Joel…” He didn’t even turn to face me when I spoke. “I know you’re pissed off at me. You might even hate me right now.” My voice got low.
“Benji.” My twin’s voice was quiet but it was not in the least bit passive. “I don’t want to hear anything about it. I’m more than a little pissed off at you, but I don’t hate you. I hate what you’re doing to your boyfriend, who just happens to be one of my best friends and one of your best friends.” I opened my mouth to speak but he beat me to it. “What if he was doing it to you? What if Billy was cheating on you with Paul? You can’t honestly tell me that you wouldn’t expect me to not be pissed off at him. I’d probably beat the fuck out of him for hurting you.”
“You want to beat the fuck out of me?” I asked, my eyes narrowing a little.
The only answer I got was, “If we weren’t family…”
Biting my lip I got up and grabbed my things. Leaving now was just as good as any time. “Fuck you Joel. You want to be a little narc, then you go and tell Billy.” Standing there, he just shook his head at me with a bit of a sad smile.
“With what you’re doing to him, I wouldn’t make your life that simple. You’re going to tell him yourself. You’re going to have to watch his heart break in two. I will not be responsible for the mess you’ve made out of everything. The band is nothing compared to our friendships, but when you realized that you’ve fucked up all our friendships beyond repair, I hope you’re ready and willing to deal with it.”
I jumped into the car, throwing my stuff inside. I didn’t even look in the rearview mirror to see him standing there, arms folded across his chest. Blasting the radio I managed to clear my mind of all thoughts of guilt. Paul and I met up half an hour later, embracing and sharing a sweet kiss. We left for the cabin soon after and a few hours we arrived. The place was truly romantic. It was everything I had imagined that it would be and more.
For a moment I felt a spark of something. Could it have been guilt? Quickly I shoved it to the back of my mind. I didn’t want to let anything ruin the time that we were going to be having here. The few days we wouldn’t have to worry about being caught since the only person that we were here was Joel. Another pang of guilt bit at the bottom of my stomach for what I was putting Joel through.
“I’m so glad you suggested we come here, baby.” Paul wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck softly. I leaned back into his embrace, a smile playing at my lips. His lips gently traced a line from just underneath my ear to the end of my shoulder. I tried not to laugh when he poked his tongue out and traced small patterns. Only Joel and those who know or have known me intimately know how ticklish and sensitive my skin truly is.
As we made love that night, I noticed nothing. Not the eerie pair of eyes stealthily watching from the window. The noises from outside were disregarded as those made by animals or were not heard over the sounds Paul and I were making. Collapsing beside him, I smiled and pushed a piece of his hair from his face grinning widely. “I love you Paul.” He returned my love and soon we closed our eyes, laying in one another’s arms.
The next morning was spent lazing about. Another afternoon of lovemaking and romantic whispers ensued. Tired from our excursions and the incessant touring, we fell into one another’s arms once again. We promised each other that we would just lay down for a little while, and then we would get up and go outside and explore. Paul was the first to fall asleep and I soon followed suit.
I had no idea what would happen next. My dreams were oddly disturbing as I slept, whether it be from the guilt that was gnawing at the back of my mind or the chloroform that was used to keep me asleep, I’m not sure.
All I know is that the sight I awoke to was not something I ever expected to lay my eyes upon in all the years of life I had yet to live.
-
Chapter 08
Joel started to awake, his thoughts drifting slowly as if caught in slow motion. Somewhere at the back of his mind, a numb yet contradictory aching feeling was creeping up on him. Movement was sluggish, as he tried to lift a hand to wipe the sleep from his eyes. Time stretched on into forever as he finally pried his eyes open. Everything around him seemed harshly lit and stung his eyes, though he was able to tell it was particularly dark.
Every muscle in his body was stiff. He tried to stretch, but found himself challenged with doing so. Minutes had passed before his mind had caught up enough for him to wonder where in the hell he was. A few more minutes passed before he was able to register that he was in a car somewhere and it was night time, the stars dancing in the cool night sky.
Opening his mouth, Joel tried to speak, but found that his mouth was dry and his throat scratchy. The noise that left his lips was small and nearly inaudible, had anyone been able to hear him. His next task became trying to swallow and get moisture back into his mouth. Breathing in through his nose, a sweet chemical taste flooded his mouth and his nose, making the aching and numb feeling a little edgier. Shaking his head a bit he tried to rid the haze from his mind. Whatever it was that was making him sluggish like this was starting to frustrate him.
“Hey,” Joel turned his head to the sound of the familiar friendly voice, though he could not find its source.
“Billy?” The word was tiny, but better than his previous attempt. “W-what’s going on?” There was a slight pause in which Joel managed to right himself in the back of the car until he was sitting up more comfortably.
“I just want to tell you I’m sorry.” The guitarist’s voice was quiet and disturbingly calm considering Joel hadn’t any idea what he was talking about. Finally, the younger man turned from the front driver’s side seat, until Joel could just barely make out his features by the light of the moon hanging in the sky. “Everything is going to be all right. I promise. Just take my word for it.” Joel nodded, trusting his friend although he was unable to wrap his mind around what was going on. Billy turned from the older man and opened the car door, getting out. He came around to the side Joel was on and opened the door, helping his friend out of the car and to his feet.
“Where are we?” He questioned, not able to distinguish his surroundings from the darkness that enveloped them.
When there was no answer, Joel didn’t bother asking again. He had an eerie feeling that it would be better if he just didn’t say anything at all for the time being. Walking for a few minutes, his eyes eventually began adjusting to the lack of light until he could make out the path that they were following, though Billy knew it so well he didn’t have to look, he anticipated all the twists and turns before they were upon them. The woods, tall trees loomed over them and for a moment Joel couldn’t shake the feeling that he had seen this somewhere. Walking further still they came to a bit of a clearing in the trees, not a large one, but one all the same, and by squinting Joel could make out something ahead.
Things began to fit together that very moment. This darkness, these trees, that sky… he had seen it all before. The picture that Billy had drawn a few days ago. The cabin not too far ahead that they were heading towards. The cabin with the lights on and Joel could not understand why they were here for a moment. ‘Oh God…’
All bits of whatever had been clogging his mind seemed to dissipate at that very moment as his head quickly turned towards Billy. Feeling the other’s eyes upon him, the younger man turned, his eyes meeting his friends. Nothing was said. Joel knew that whatever was going to happen, he was helpless to prevent. But Billy knew that Benji and Paul were here and somehow he was aware that Joel knew too.
“I’m sorry…” the words left Joel’s chapped lips before he even knew he was thinking them. Billy nodded acknowledging his statement. All questions as to how he had ended up in Billy’s car and how he had gotten here vanished with the crash of thunder and clouds overtaking the sky and rain started to fall. Omens from the sky of things to come.
Reaching out, Billy turned the doorknob to the cabin and led Joel inside. The door was locked behind them. Obediently he followed Billy through the cabin. Standing back he motioned for Joel to open one of the doors, obviously leading to another room. Doing as his friend wished, he twisted the doorknob and pushed the door open entering it. There were no lights on, but he stepped forward so Billy could enter as well. He felt his friend close to him and heard a click, assuming that it was just the door closing, having no idea they were being locked in.
The light switch was hit and Joel had to momentarily shield his eyes from the sudden brightness. “Joel?” Benji croaked. Ears perking up, he turned to face his brother, squinting from the intensity of the light. His eyes widened when he realized what he was seeing. Benji was tied to a chair and Paul handcuffed to one side of the bed. His hands raised above him handcuffed to one bed post and his feet to the adjacent post.
Fear penetrated Joel’s body, all the way to his soul at the sight. Anticipating Joel’s fear, Billy grabbed him and lead him to the bed. Shocked and still somewhat disoriented, he didn’t offer much of a fight against his attacker. “Billy, please…” Paul started begging.
“Shut up!” Billy yelled. “I don’t want to hear it.” Joel was handcuffed to the opposite side of the bed, and Billy sat in a chair nearest the door. “All of you lied to me.” He stated simply. “And you…” he pointed a finger at Benji, “you fucking broke my heart in the worst of ways. Over who? One of my best friends.” Turning to Paul his eyes were cold. “One of my best friends. I fucking loved all of you, but the two of you went behind my back and none of you, not even Joel, had the decency to tell me.” Billy shook his head, almost sadly.
“I love you, please Billy…” Benji pleaded struggling against the ropes that held him down.
“Love me? Oh, he fucking loves me!” Billy yelled over dramatically standing up and knocking the chair he had been sitting in to the ground. “You hear that? The man who has been fucking my best friend for god knows how long loves me!” Placing his face mere inches from Benji’s he grinned. “Shouldn’t I feel so unbelievably special?” Billy spat at Benji’s feet. “That, that is how much I care about your loving me right now.”
“Billy… you’re not thinking clearly. We can all talk about this,” Joel spoke up. Despite the circumstances he sounded unusually calm. Detecting that any bit of emotion might set the younger man off, he tried to hold back all the fear he felt from tainting his request.
“You make it sound so simple.” Billy stated bitterly before taking on a girlish tone, “Oh let’s sit down and talk things over. Everything will be okay when we’re done and we’ll all kiss and hug and make up. And everything will be so swell. We’ll just forget the fact that the man you love has been a lying, cheating whore, and your best friends aren’t any better.” With a bitter laugh Billy shook his head. “Sorry, but that’s not happening.”
“I’m sorry Billy. It’s not Benji’s fault… it’s mine.” Paul pleaded, openly sobbing and truly afraid of what might happen.
“Oh you’re one to speak right now.” Ignoring the blonde man, he turned back to Benji. “Was it good?” Looking at him incredulously, Benji stayed silent. “I asked you a fucking question!” Knocking candles from their place on the mantle next to him, the glass holders shattered to tiny pieces, and Billy displayed the fact that he had no patience for any of them. “Tell me Benji…” Billy got close to his face once again. “Was he good? Was Paul a good fuck? Did he fuck you in all the right ways, or did you show him how?” Benji remained silent, tears coursing down his cheeks now. “He must have been pretty good for you to have been going behind my back all the time.” Leaning forward he force his lips onto Benji’s and kissed him before biting his lip hard enough to make it bleed. Billy lapped up his cheating lovers blood and kissed the spot.
“Billy, I don’t know what you’re hoping to accomplish with all of this…” Joel started.
“Don’t. Speak.” The look he received from Billy shut him up quickly. He was in no position to be making demands or verbally questioning the other’s motives.
Lazily he made his way over to the bed and sat down at the end. “I wonder…” Billy’s voice trailed off as he ran a finger down Paul’s leg. “What all the fuss is about. I mean, you must have a beer flavored dick or something or the tightest asshole for my dear sweet lover to turn his back on me.”
Shaking his head, Paul was trembling from fear. “N-no,” was the only word that escaped his lips. He was too frightened even to speak.
“Wonder what all the fuss was about.” Billy repeated, his hand moving up farther and massaging the fabric over Paul’s dick. “Joeld, do you know? Surely Benji‘s told you of his escapades. Is Paul equipped or what?” Cerulean eyes met deep brown ones, but Joel didn’t make any effort to look even interested in the question being asked of him. “Might as well find out for myself then, if no one‘s going to tell me.” He smiled a little continuing to rub his hand over the sensitive area. Billy stopped, climbing on the bed and straddling Paul’s knees. “Now let’s just see what it is that makes lover hump you dry.” The whimpers of protest from Paul did nothing to hinder Billy’s efforts at undoing his pants and pulling the boxers down along with them to his handcuffed ankles.
“Billy… please don’t do this.” The bassist’s eyes were bloodshot and his face was pink and puffy from crying. “You don’t want to do this…” For a moment, through his tears, he thought he was hesitation cross over Billy’s face. The look was gone just as quickly as it came leaving Paul unsure as to what it was he saw.
Saying nothing, one of Billy’s hands grasped Paul’s dick and worked at it until it was hard. Whimpering in protest, and hating his body for betraying him, Paul’s cheeks blazed with shame. Feeling completely humiliated and exposed, Paul tried his best to move his legs and cover himself, but he did not have the ability due to his position to help himself in the least.
Benji was watching, horrified by what was going on.
-
Chapter 09
There’s little to be said about what I did. Nothing ingenious, terribly clever or the likes. Handcuffs, duct tape, rope and chloroform. Four simple little things accomplished everything I needed for the first hours.
My eyes fell to the body beneath me. Blonde hair falling messily about, pale eyes so full of fear… fear of me, of what I might do. Smiling, I shot Paul a questioning glance. “You need to relax, you’re tense.” Working his dick with my left hand, the right served another purpose, instead teasing his nipples. My dark hair fell forward into my eyes as I leaned forward, until the ends were brushing up against his stomach. Slowly I flicked out my tongue, coming in contact with his skin sensitive skin until I came to rest just shy of his dick.
Fingers expertly worked at my button and zipper, pulling my pants off leaving my boxers not far behind. At the sight of my naked body, Paul tensed up more and started lashing about. “Oh, Paul…” I cooed. “Struggling is only going to make this more painful for you. I’m even going to do you a favor.” Producing the key to the handcuffs, I undid the ones around Paul’s ankles before walking over to the mantel and placing the keys down there where neither of them could reach it.
I almost regretted uncuffing Paul’s feet because he started flailing about a lot worse. Climbing on the bed I pinned his legs and then held them until I had kneeled in between them, hooking his knees over my shoulders.
“Billy…” came his choked plea. “I swear to God I’ll do anything you ask of me! Just let me go,” really it was quite pathetic. The begging, the crying, the sniffling. Such signs of weakness.
Lover cried out as well, sobbing and asking me not to do it. “Billy, Billy don’t… Please Billy, it’s not his fault. It’s mine. Please, just leave them alone. Joel and Paul had nothing to do with the decisions I made…” I turned for a moment and stared into his eyes feeling nothing but sadness for the decisions he had made. Inadvertently he destroyed everything around him.
Here I am, my heart ripped from my chest and stomped on in the worst of ways. And they ask me to stop. Lover wishes me to stop. For a second he looks hopeful and I smile at him. I spit in my hand and shove in Paul with one swift motion. Unintentionally, my eyes roll to the back of my head and I let out a small moan. He feels so good around me. I fit inside of him perfectly.
Leaning down I kiss Paul, my lips meeting his in a harsh kiss that lasted only moments. Movements swift inside of him, there is no stopping the grunts of satisfaction. At first Paul’s face is contorted in pain but eventually, even though I know he doesn’t want to, his face reveals his pleasure and soon he stars moaning. The look in lover’s eyes, past the liquid depression dripping known as tears and the red streaks we know as being bloodshot, is absolutely mortified.
“Oh God…” And I know that Paul wants to sound as if he’s in pain. I know he wants to hate me, and I know that he does. Even so, at the moment I’m giving him something that his body is telling him that he needs. It might be sex. It might be rape. Whatever it is he enjoyed it in some way. My hands gripped his shoulders, until they left white outlines, still, I gripped them tighter.
Surprisingly, my mind was completely clear and comprehensive. It was nothing like any other pre-orgasmic state I had ever been in. My eyes met Joel. His body was cowering on the other side of the bed, moved as far as he possibly could away from us. Until he felt my gaze upon them, both of his eyes had been clenched impossibly tight. When they opened he stared into my eyes and all I could see was a sadness. Somehow he saw inside of me. And I knew, I knew at that second he understood my pain.
Turning back to Paul, I thrust inside of him harder. I crossed the line from bringing him pleasure, to mixing every burst of pleasure with pauses of excruciating pain in between. All I could focus on was my own animal instinct and directing all my feelings, though there were too many to name and too many I have yet to name, towards my release.
With a mix of blood, sweat, tears, and emotional ties that could never be repaired, I came long and hard.
At that moment my eyes locked with Benji, and as I collapsed on top of Paul panting. A crack of lightning and the drops of rain rang through the house and at that second he ceased being my lover.
-
Look for more very soon!!! ;o)
In the meantime, feel free to review!
PLEASE NOTE: That one posting area is not large enough to contain all chapters so the following post has chapters 10 and up.
Completed: AUGUST 27, 2003
Summary: [weird psycho-killer][slash]It's all part of his game. I don't know the rules and I'm too afraid to let myself admit the objective. I'm the last player. Everything depends on me...
A/N: Yes, it's meant to be confusing thus far, I purposely am not putting whose POV it is & I'm not going to mention names a lot until later chapters since I don't want to give away anything. Tehe I want to keep you all in suspense.
Status: COMPLETE 18 CHAPTERS
Disclaimer: All members of Good Charlotte are alive, well, and breathing. Thus I have come to conclude that none of these events that I'm writing have ever taken place. However, if they do in the future, I claim no responcibility.
Chapter 01
The rain was pouring down all around me. It has long since soaked through the cloths that I am wearing. Water is pouring down my body in rivers the same way that it is flooding the gravel streets. There are puddles up to my ankles and some as deep as my knees. It’s almost impossible to walk, it’s more like wading no matter where you go.
I’m not even sure where I am. All that I can see around me are trees. Huge, unfeasibly tall trees. My mind is working so slowly. I can’t understand how things so huge cannot managed to filter out this water. And yet it keeps coming and coming and coming like a hole has been let loose in a damn.
These monsters of nature block out any light that would have been possible. It is so dark that I cannot see more than a few feet in front of me. And all I can see is darkness, water, and trees. My cloths are sticking to my body and I’m quite aware of an aching that seems to have penetrated all parts of my body… all except for my mind. I can’t let it reach there otherwise there is no hope. I will be lost in this waterous [a/n: yeah, I made up a word. Sue me] forest from hell if I stop long enough to think and take in all that has happened within the past seventy two hours.
Jesus Christ. How did I end up in this mess? I’m not even sure. The only thing that I’m aware of at the moment is that there is a loud pounding that feels like it’s drilling holes in my skull. The water, it’s pounding down all around me. I hate the sound. I hate that fucking sound. But it’s not the pounding that is getting to me. It’s the sound of my heart beating and blood rushing through my veins. So impossibly loud. My heart is pumping so fast. I’m afraid it’s going to explode.
My lungs are burning, screaming for me to fill them with oxygen. I do, but I refuse to allow myself the huge gasp of air that I know I need. I have to be quite. I have to be silent. For the moment, while water is rushing past me and my limbs have become so cold they’re going numb, I know that I must be silent.
What was that? I turn my head ever so slightly. Something made a noise not too far from me, just out of my line of vision. Shit. There it is again. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. It’s him. I know it’s him. What else would be making noise while this place is practically flooded? Certainly no animals. They have taken shelter and comfort at higher ground. But I don’t know where the fuck I am. I can barely move, and when I do my body screams protests and I have to will myself not to keel over in agony. He knows this. He knows this so fucking well. It’s all part of his game. I don’t know the rules and I’m too afraid to let myself admit the objective. I’m the last player. Everything depends on me.
I see movement out of the corner of my eye.
Oh God. That’s the only thing that I could think at that very moment. Oh God, I’m going to die.
-
Chapter 02
*One Week Earlier*
A week ago everything was more than perfectly normal. Since then my entire world has been turned upside down. What’s important to notice is that there were no signs. None of us had the faintest idea of what was to come. There were no alarms or instances that made us wonder exactly what was going on inside of his head. Nothing close to the sort…
Joel was lazing around the bus as they drove to another nameless city to play for a nameless crowd. He loved performing more than most other things in life, and he held such a great amount of respect for their fans. But, the months away touring eventually began to take its toll on a man. There was only so much partying and working one could do before one needed some kind of break to be allowed some time of normalcy.
They had been on tour, whether it be playing shows or promotional events, and for the past year they had only had a hand full of days off. Nerves were wearing thin and everyone just wanted the chance to go home to visit family and old friends. The four had begun counting off the days around two weeks ago. There were only two days left until they would all step off the tour bus for a month. The longest vacation they had had in god knows how long.
Benji’s headphones blasted music allowing the others to only hear a dull roar of whatever it was that filled his ears. Probably MxPx. He’d been listening to a lot of them lately. Joel had laughed a little and welcomed the break from Rancid. Everyone on the bus loved Rancid, just no one nearly as much as Benji. No doubt the transition wouldn’t last long. Rancid was putting out a new CD soon and having befriended Lars, Benji would not doubt receive one of the first copies and play it until they all knew every guitar riff, bass line and drum piece by heart.
Paul had the television going watching some random game show channel. The contestants on the TV were competing to win some lame prize, a kitchen set or something of the sort. Quickly he lost interest in the topic at hand. He flipped back and forth between the channels trying to find something worth watching but never settling on anything for more than a minute before resuming his channel surfing. None of the others could help but notice how Paul had become rather distant lately. He didn’t opt for doing much of anything with them anymore. For the most part he kept to himself whether it be watching TV, reading, writing or playing his bass. Joel attributed it to the fact that he was probably homesick and with home just around the corner, he was just as ready as the rest of them to get some down time.
In a front nook of the bus, away from everyone else Billy sat. In his hand was a pencil and leaning against his knee was a pad of paper. A sketchbook, to be more precise. With hardly a thought the lines and shading on the paper soon took form into images. Eyebrows creased in concentration as his picture came to life. A few more minutes and the drawing was complete. With a bit of a sigh he stood up and cracked the joints that were tense from being in a hunched over sitting position for so long. Sometimes he wondered how he could ignore the pain so completely until he stood.
Billy ventured off to his bunk bed, sketchbook forgotten on the countertop of one of the tables. It was open to the same page that Billy had been drawn on when Joel entered the kitchen to grab something to drink. The book caught his eye so he went over and picked it up. Critically he decrypted the different shades of black and gray until he could make out exactly what it was. A small cottage with a backdrop of countless trees. The little cottage cowered in comparison to all the trees. For a minute he wondered why the picture was so dark before he finally realized that the trees were so tall that they blocked out most of the light. The little that did shine through was what illuminated the small house to be a shade of gray.
Putting down the pad, Joel felt a small shiver go up his spine and crawl up the back of his neck. For some reason he found the picture unsettling. Mentally he scolded himself for being so immature and let out a bit of a chuckle. Billy and his imagination. The boy could conjure up just about anything with that imagination of his.
Remembering his purpose for going into the kitchen, Joel opened the fridge and grabbed himself a bottled water before twisting the cap off and polishing off half of it at once. Hit the spot every time.
He watched him silently from the short and narrow hallway, glaring as Joel picked up Billy’s notebook. Turning away, he climbed into his bunk and pulled the curtain to his bunk closed. He turned over and rested his head upon the pillow.
Although his eyes were closed and his breathing shallow, he did not sleep. He never slept.
-
Chapter 03
There are so many things wrong with this world. So many god forsaken things. I never realized exactly how many until recently. I guess you could say that I had some kind of revelation, a turning point, a life altering conclusion if you will. Perhaps it was from the narcotics, or perhaps from the days that dragged endlessly into nights and back into days, in which rest did not come for me.
Don’t think less of me for these things. I know things that others do not. Perhaps these two things provided the courage to open the doorway, or perhaps they were just things that I did when I came to my realization. I do not know for certain, and I doubt any observer would either.
I do, however, remember the exact moment that my eyes were opened to the horrific events of the world. It was two weeks ago. Tour was long and grueling as always, our love for shows did not wane but the tiredsomeness of touring grew. Nights were long awaited, although I did not sleep I got to be with my lover and watch him rest so peacefully. Peacefully enough for the both of us. He never did question why he always awoke to my gaze upon him and never had the chance to watch my sleeping form.
After the show my dearest sweet lover announced that he was tired and was going to his room to sleep. His eyes drooped a little and he gave me a half smile. We always got four rooms now, despite the fourth hardly being used since we always spent the night together. However, he had asked that I stay in my room tonight since he thought that our manager was becoming suspicious. The others knew we were together, but we had not told our manager. We figured it was not his business to know, and until it became so he would be left in the dark.
I watched as my lover’s retreating figure faded from view with a smile. How much I cared for him I would never be able to put into words. He was my world, he was my everything…
Can you truly blame me for what came next? Of course I couldn’t stay away. I needed to be with him, feel his arms around me and his lips on my skin. Even if it was just the feel of his skin pressed against mine as I watched his sleeping form, I would have been more than pleased. I waited until I was sure that the others would have gone to bed in their rooms. I was as quiet as possible wanting to surprise my starry eyed lover.
At his door I waited for a second listening. There were sounds coming from inside. I heard a small moan and chuckled to myself. Lover was watching porn. How grateful he would be when I offered my mouth to replace his hand as it worked on his hard dick. I could almost feel him in my mouth and I smiled.
Quietly, I opened the door. The lights were off and the television was not on as I knew it should have been. The small gasps and moans weren’t coming from porn… The room was dark but moonlight filtered in just enough so I could catch a glimpse of two bodies intertwined, in a way that only my lover and I should have been, and heard another moan. My eyes filled with tears as I closed to door. Both were oblivious to my watchful eyes.
I stomped over to my friend’s room and flung open the door. Sure enough, the room was empty. Of course it was empty, he and my lover were together. My lover. My heart shattered into pieces as I tried to comprehend exactly why he would do something like this to me. I had always been so good to him. I had given him everything that I had and asked for nothing in return.
That was the night I realized how twisted this world could be. The little escape I allowed myself was the one thing I had hidden from my unfaithful lover. The syringe that entered one of my protruding veins of my under arm and pumped my body with the liquid calm I needed was what kept me sane. This, this thing that was so wrong yet so completely right was the only certainty that I had left. With this knowledge I climbed back into bed and just lay there, resting.
An hour and a half went by, the numbers on my clock burred to my eyes. I heard the door to my room creak open and then closed. Soft feet padded quietly across the floor and over to my bed. I felt it shift a little under new weight. Lover climbed into bed next to me, slipping one hand under the covers. “Hey baby.” He whispered into my ear.
I tried not to cringe. He smelled like cologne and sex. He lacked even enough respect for me to have showered before visiting me. Instead, lover pressed his lips to mine and as his tongue entered my mouth, all I could think about was how not so long ago it had ventured to one’s mouth and body that were not my own. Yet, I did not possess the strength to pull away and yell at him, to ask my lover how dare he be with another, someone who I had thought was my friend?
I was sickened with myself when I felt lover’s hard on grinding into my thigh as he continued to kiss me and I felt myself become hard too. How could my body betray me? I was angry with him. I was not supposed to be getting off on this. Still, I could not stop myself and felt my body easily respond. Actions performed countless numbers of times felt so natural between the two of us. All the while my mind screamed of how wrong this all was, that lover had been disloyal to me. I could have caught him so off guard at that very moment. I could imagine the shock on his face as my lips parted from his, he assuming it was just for need of air, and the few words I would speak would catch the air in his lungs. My lips parted from his and I took in a breath but the words did not leave.
“I want to be inside you.” The warm breath from his mouth filled my ear as he whispered to me. The single most intelligent thing my body allowed me to do was to refuse his request. How could he lay there next to me and ask to be inside me when just over an hour before, he had been inside someone else?
“No…” I whispered back in reply. Even through the dark I knew that he was looking at me oddly, wondering my reason for saying no. It was always this way, he always gave it and I always took it. Not tonight. “I want to be in you,” I continued. With a bit of hesitation and a smile he nodded.
Fingers trailed over familiar skin. The little cloths that we were wearing were thrown to the floor. His tongue snaked it’s way around my ear and down my neck. I hate myself more every moment as I moaned, and my body responded to everything he was doing to me. After torturing him long enough with my painfully slow hand working him until he could hardly breathe, I propped his knees over my shoulders. With nothing more than my precum for lube, I pushed my entire length into him all at once. I knew that this must be painful for him, my entirety inside of him, but I did not wait for him to adjust. With a firey passion I slammed myself into him over and over again. Lover made noises of protest and mewls of pain. I cared for neither and continued.
Soon, his cries of pain were replaced with that of pure ecstasy. He used all his energy to meet my thrusts, and still, I found the power within myself to push harder and farther. My fingers moved from gripping his sides to gripping his bony waist, positioning him so I could bury myself deeper. I could feel the resistance his body offered to have me driven so far inside of him. I could not let the image of my lover and my friend leave my mind as I continued. Closing my eyes I imagined wringing my friends neck. I could see the bruises that would form and hear the way that lover would cry as he watched. My fingers dug farther into his hips as I continued, thrashing at an unbelievable rate until I came deep inside him.
Exhausted, I fell forward onto him, and he wrapped his arms around me. “Oh God, I love you.” He whispered into my ear. How easy it used to be to believe such a thing. I could feel the sticky wetness of his cum on my stomach as our bodies were pressed together. With eyes brightly shining he asked me why I had never done that before. Apparently my brutality towards him was some kinky sex fantasy come true for him. Lover had had the most mind blowing orgasm in his life, or so he claimed.
He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him after I pulled out. While his eyes were becoming heavy and starting to droop, he placed gentle kisses to my neck before breathing his love to me once more. His breathing was soon shallow and rhythmic and I knew he was asleep. I watched him, laying in my arms.
Slowly my eyes fell to the bruises I had left him. On his arms, on his waist, and the longest and darkest ones were forming at his hips. I placed my fingers above the ones forming over his hips. Yes, they fit perfectly. I admired my handy work with a sinking realization.
They were caused by hate, and I had gotten off on thoughts of violence towards those I thought I loved.
That’s when I knew things could never be the same.
-
Chapter 04
Sometimes I wonder how long it took for him to get this way. At other moment, I wonder if he has been this way all along and we just never knew it. Perhaps he had hid it behind those innocent eyes, his polite mannerism, his good nature. It’s hard to imagine that someone you’ve considered yourself so close to for so long has been harboring such dementia behind the façade he has put up to the world. I know he had his reasons. I also know that what has happened is my fault. My friends are dead because of me…and I’m next…
[a/n: completely diff pov now, don’t mistake the person who spoke in the first paragraph to be either involved or not involved in this next paragraph. Might be the same person, might not. You’ll find out eventually. Haha I‘m evil. But you love it.]
Joel shook his head. Partially in disbelief, partially in shock. He tried to run the conversation through his head one more time and the events that had led up to it. Joel had walked in completely on accident. He had seen things that he wasn’t supposed to see. At first he had just chuckled and told the two to keep it down. When he realized it was not the loving couple, he was shocked. Benji was cheating on his boyfriend so close to being caught. His boyfriend sat just in the other room, listening to music or perhaps reading a book, maybe both. Maybe neither.
Joel had known that Benji had cheated on his lover once. But, Benji had sworn his twin to secrecy. It was a month ago, and he had swore that it was only the once. It was just an experimentation for the other. He had lied, and Joel had done nothing to prevent it. He felt so overwhelmed with guilt. Benji had been shocked, the other was even more. With a bit of a cough, and cheeks turning crimson, he closed the door and left. He knew that Benji would come and talk to him later.
Meanwhile, he felt the need to tell the other what was going on. He was Benji’s boyfriend. He had the right to know. He was so completely in love with Benji. He probably hadn’t the faintest of what was occurring. Joel didn’t know that he was actually in the bathroom, full consciousness of who Benji was with, and shooting up to take his mind off of it and try and scare away the images of the blood and pain he wished to cause on the two.
Later, Benji found Joel just as he knew he would. The younger twin didn’t say a word when the other entered the room. If Benji wanted to explain, he could. If he didn’t want to say a word, he didn’t have to. Joel didn’t speak, allowing Benji to know how truly disappointed in him he was. The older twin took a deep breath and sighed, his shoulders drooping and his gaze falling to the floor.
“I don’t know what you want me to say.” He said simply, sounding defeated. Still, Joel said nothing. “You know I love him. I love him so much.”
“And when you love someone do you normally fuck their best friend?” Joel spat at his brother. His eyes clouded with anger. There was no way he could understand this. Both men were his best friends, but to cheat on one to be with the other, it made all emotions in the situation so complicated.
“Fuck you Joel. You’re no better.” Benji said, eyes narrowing into angry slits.
“At least I had the fucking balls to admit it. I paid for my mistake. Notice, mistake, singular. You’ve been fucking off behind his back for god knows how long! A month, longer? How the hell is he going to feel when he finds out? He’s going to be fucking crippled with grief, he will.”
“Don’t you think I know that?” Tears suddenly sprung to the older twin’s eyes. “Don’t you think I know that already? That’s why I still haven’t told him. You can’t though. You can’t say anything. It’s just too hard. I love them both. How, how am I supposed to decide?”
“You’re so fucking selfish Benji. You have something so extraordinary, and you have to fuck it over by wanting more. Couldn’t, just for once, you stop thinking about yourself and think about him? Think about what you’re doing to him. Jesus Christ, with his best friend! You two might as well go and fucking stab him in the back at the same time.” Benji opened his mouth to speak but Joel held up his hands. “Please, don’t say anything Benj. I’m not going to tell him, if that’s what you’re worried about. But right now, I think it’d be better if you didn’t talk to me for a little while.”
Benji had a hurt expression, but he nodded. Of course Joel wouldn’t understand. He didn’t know what it was like to be in love with two of your best friends. How do you choose between the two? They’re both as big of a part of your life as the other. They both have all the things you’ve been looking for, just in different ways. They both love you so much. But maybe Joel was right. Maybe he just had a knack for sabotaging anything worthwhile in his life.
Later that night, when he thought his lover was asleep, he slipped out of bed. Cautiously and quietly as possible, he crossed the hotel room, to the adjoining main room and slowly creaked the door open to his other love. He could make out his beautiful features. So gorgeous, just as gorgeous as his other lover yet with features that contrasted so. There were no similarities. Both uniquely beautiful. Even through the dark he could see the framed picture that hung above the bed. Benji knew exactly what the picture was of. It was of a cottage surrounded by huge trees. A picture that Benji had given him when he told him that he wanted to get away for a few days, just as soon as they were off tour. That would be where they were going.
What he did not know was the fixation that had formed around the cottage. He had no clue that not far from him was a sketchpad with pictures of the cottage drawn in fine black pencil, the trees surrounding and almost engulfing it.
Benji felt a tear slide down his face. He was going to have to chose. There was no way he could keep this a secret forever.
Benji did not know that he never slept. He was in the other room waiting up, mind wondering in what ways he was being betrayed once again. Benji hadn’t a clue that the secret was already out.
-
Chapter 05
Already I know what you think of me. You couldn’t possibly understand. I won’t pretend like you shall. There is no way that you could ever begin to wrap your mind around such things unless you had lived them yourself. The best I can do is to try and explain it to you. I feel no need to justify myself. You think I’m sick, mental, disturbed. Maybe I am all of these things. Maybe I am deranged and perhaps I do need help that I was not offered. But I do know the difference between right and wrong. What Benji did was wrong. Lover broke my heart into a million pieces, broke everything that I thought was real… lover broke me.
Essentially there is wrong and right. What makes any one thing more wrong than an other? Wrong is wrong, as simple as that. I see what I did as no less and no worse. To say there are different levels of wrong would be to say there are also different levels of right, but isn’t something that’s right essentially right no matter how you put it? Why detract from how right it is? So you see, no one thing can be any more wrong or any more right than any other thing. Something is wrong or right and that is the end of it.
Benji was wrong.
I was wrong.
I have been wrong many times. I will be wrong many more times.
Benji had told me that he was going to spend some time with just his family as soon as we finished the tour. Reasonable request, I was going to do the same. I missed my family and could use to pay them a visit. Lover lied. Once again. I shouldn’t have been surprised, he had been lying to me for god knows how long. How naïve I can be. You cannot stop what your heart feels despite how hard you try. You can numb it from time to time, and that’s where I found comfort in my needle. My trusty syringe.
It was late at night and Benji was not spending the night with me. He was spending it with him. It amazes me to think of how bold he had become. More and more frequently he would leave me cold and lonely to spend time with him. Still I said nothing. I did not let on that I knew what he did.
What is the point in laying in bed if one is not going to sleep? I cannot sleep. Getting up I made my way to the small hotel bathroom. I don’t even know what city we were in. We had played another show that night. I had played flawlessly. I always played my part perfectly, be it music or the person that I’m supposed to be.
Alone. Once I was alone I could be myself. It used to be that I could be myself with lover. I find that I am disgusted with myself when around him now. The cool tile of the floor bites slightly as my exposed legs. Still I sit there, pulling a small spoon, baggie and lighter from my bag of toiletries. It does not take me long to prepare it, I’ve done it a thousand times before. Soon the liquid is bubbling slightly and I know that it’s perfect. So perfect. An elastic is so unnecessary. My arms veins stick out enough when I flex my arm, tapping them a couple times. Soon my veins are filled with the liquid apathy. How nice it is not to care. How nice it is not to feel.
Feeling so much lighter I stare to the wall of the bathroom. Everything is in a new perspective, as it always is minutes after I have enjoyed the prick of the syringe then surge of heroin. Drug of choice. Just before my thoughts wonder from all that troubles me I wonder if no one notices me withering away. No. No, they would not. It’s not something that they would pay attention to.
Some time later from my spot on the floor I can hear talking. Curiosity overtakes me. Quietly I make my way in the direction of those speaking. It sounds to me like a lover’s quarrel. Benji. Dear sweet Benji, why do you put me through such things? It takes me a few minutes to realize he is not speaking with whom I thought, but his twin. Oh Joel. Innocent Joel, why could you not have such influence over your older brother so as to make him like you. So innocent. I know that you would never lie to me. You are my true friend.
“Don’t even tell me you’re actually thinking about doing this to him?” Joel was trying to keep from getting mad. I stood outside the door listening. I recognized that tone. Whatever they were fighting about, Joel was not pleased with Benji.
“We’re going. I didn’t ask you to understand, I just thought you should know. I didn’t want to lie to you about anything. We never lie to each other.” Benji’s voice was pleading. Whatever he was talking about was upsetting him. A small smile crept to my lips. Lover was upset. How sad.
“What the fuck happens when he finds out? Are you just going to pretend forever? You know this isn’t right. You’re taking his best friend, his fucking best friend, to the very same place that he said he was going to take you. You gave his best friend the same fucking picture that he gave you of the little cottage. And to do what? Fuck his friend. I just don’t believe you.”
My eyebrows knitted together. They were talking about the quaint little cottage. The one up in the mountains… Lover wouldn’t. He may not respect me enough to stay true, but surely he could never do that.
“It’s not your business what I do.” Benji replied coldly.
“Listen,” Joel had lowered his voice considerably. I had to strain my ears to pick out what he was saying. “Just pretend for one second that you’re me. Fuck, pretend that you’re him. How do you think he would feel to know that you’ve had sex in the very bed, in the shower, in the places that he planned to make love to you? What if the situation was reversed?” Rationally and quietly, Joel’s voice portrayed none of the anger that it had before.
“The situation wouldn’t be reversed. He’d never do that to me.” Lover’s voice was meek and tiny. How true. I could never do the same. Never to him.
“I’m not saying anything. Nothing. This is your situation. If you don’t have the common sense to stop it now and pretend none of it happened, then it’s going to be you who breaks the news to him. I will not do your dirty work for you. I will not break his heart for you.” Joel answered. “I feign ignorance to all of this. And don’t you dare speak a word stating otherwise.”
Joel. My Joel. Even you would spare me the truth. Would everyone that I trusted keep the truth from me had I not found out on my own? Yes. Yes they all would. Perhaps it was foresight on their part. Maybe they had some inkling of what would happen. I doubt it thought. Even I did not know I would take things so far. But what is to be done? I can not change the way things have played out.
The rain is coming down quite hard. Sure enough they had gone to the cottage. I found the framed picture among Paul’s things. The picture I had given to lover. I have truly lost everything. It is his turn to feel what it is like to lose everything you love.
I shall bring him to the brink of insanity, push him farther than anything has ever pushed him before. Then I shall bring him back and welcome him to the harsh realities of the world. Let lover swallow that one whole.
How he handles it is up to him. When I am finished, I am finished. No more. My hair is sticking to my face as I stand down the road, car parked close to me. The person inside heaves a bit of a sigh in their chloroform induced sleep. Shaking my head a bit, I wipe the soaked strands from my face.
Let Paul and Benji enjoy the time they have together. They can enjoy it. They can spend the rest of forever together once I’m finished.
-
Chapter 06
Four friends stepped off the tour bus, glad to be back on the familiar streets of DC. They gathered their things, talked for a while before saying their goodbyes. Vacation. It wasn’t something that they received often. They would be in touch with one another, for now they needed a slight break, as would anyone friends prone to spend as much time together as they did.
Billy watched with suspicious eyes as Benji and Paul embraced. How could he have missed it before? It was just a little too comfortable, lasted a little too long. Breaking his eyes away he focused on his things. Benji came over to him and wrapped his arms around the thinner man’s waist. “I’ll see you in a few days, okay babe?” His sweet lips gently brushed Billy’s exposed neck. He tried not to stiffen up when his lover touched him.
Easily he turned around, still in Benji’s embrace, and faced him. “Yeah. Make sure and call my cell phone though. If I don’t answer I want to hear you leaving me messages.” Billy sugared his voice as much as possible, out of the corner of his eye seeing Paul watching.
“Of course,” Benji responded. Billy leaned down and kissed Benji passionately, his hands slipping into the back pockets of the older man’s dickies.
With an innocent grin and childish eyes he lowered his voice a little, though not particularly much since he still wanted Paul to hear. “Maybe we can even have some of those sexy late night phone calls. You know the ones I mean.” He leaned forward and sucked on Benji’s ear teasingly feeling him shiver, then nod.
“Y-yeah.” His reply came out weak. Teasing his earlobe always drove Benji insane.
With a smile he kissed his unfaithful lover one last time. “Bye.” Everything was so perfect. If he were any better of an actor, he would have to be a sociopath. Benji hadn’t a clue. Nothing could be happening in a better manner.
One night and one afternoon. That is how much time Billy would give Benji and Paul. Let them enjoy their time naively believing that Billy hadn’t a clue what was going on. In the meantime, he would spend the night preparing. First however, was a stop to the other side of town. A run down shit hole of a place, but it was where he could get the finest drugs. After the sale was made, Billy left, pockets full. He wouldn’t be back for quite some time, if he ever came back.
The night was spent shooting up and popping pills. All that he needed was packed in a matter of moments with nothing forgotten. In his mind he had gone over the list many times since he had first made it. At first he had written it down on paper before memorizing it and burning it. There was no trace of the list of things he would need. Mentally he made sure to check them all off as he placed them in the bag. Everything he needed was right in there.
The sun seemed to rise more quickly the following morning than it had ever before. Billy was not sure if this was because he was so anxious for the day to come or the substances he had filled his body with had just made it seem faster. Getting up he stretched his stiff muscles and cracked a few joints before taking a quick shower. Billy didn’t feel the need to take one so much as he wanted something to do to pass the time until he knew that Joel would be awake.
After what seemed to be another eternity of waiting, Billy jumped into his car. Months of not driving made him a little rusty so he kept it slow at first. Once getting the feel he sped the rest of the twenty minute drive to Ms. Madden’s house. Of course he had planned it meticulously. Joel would be visiting his family, but Ms. Madden would still have to cover at least half a shift at her work due to employee cuts that had to be made just over a month or so ago. Sarah and Josh wouldn’t be coming up for another two days. The house would be completely empty other than Joel. The circumstances couldn’t have been better.
Driving by his house he could see that Joel was not yet up. His morning schedule was so completely predictable, he followed it nearly religiously. First he would wake up and go straight to the bathroom to take his morning piss. Next he would head into the kitchen and fill a large bowl with cereal. What brand it was didn’t matter as he was often flitting from one favorite cereal to another.
Bowl full of his morning meal he would then head into the living room. Ms. Madden would leave out the paper for Joel to read through. He would flip to his favorite section, read a little and then carelessly put it away to read later, which he usually never got around to, and would flip on the television. Joel’s attention would be focused one hundred percent on whatever mindless cartoons or pointless talk show was on at the moment.
And since both the living room and kitchen were visible from the street since Ms. Madden always opened the shades wide to let sunlight into their quaint little house, Billy knew that things were going to be smooth. Parking down the street he casually walked up to the house. The door was locked, as he knew it would be. Fortunately, he was more than well aware as to where the key was hidden. Reaching his hand out behind the drain that emptied the water from the eaves of the house he produced the key and unlocked the door. Once In the house he locked the door behind him and slipped the key back into his pocket and was careful to relock the door behind him so he didn’t run the unlikely risk that Joel would notice.
Cleverly, he took up a spot in the closet. Once Joel awoke and headed to the kitchen, he would have to pass the closet in which Billy perched. While he waited he pulled the bottle of chloroform from his pocket as well as the cloth in which he would douse it with.
When Joel woke up and passed the closet, Billy, with the ease and stealth of an experienced sat burglar he would sneak up behind him. Of course, Billy would wait until after Joel had poured himself a bowl of cereal, and then from behind him he would grab him. Of course, Joel would attempt to scream, but his mouth and nose would be covered by the cloths. He would inhale the chemical and as he tried to defend himself, his efforts would become weaker and weaker.
Leaving out the untouched cereal would be too obvious. After being sure that Joel was unconscious, Billy would lay him upon the floor. He would leave out the box of cereal but put away the milk, and pour the cereal down the garbage disposal. No one would ever know that Joel hadn’t been home to eat his cereal. Billy would then go into the living room and make sure and mess the newspaper up a little, crinkling the edges and making them look as though someone had taken the time to read them. Billy would place Joel’s favorite section on top, the entertainment section, open to the page he had left off. Joel always planned on reading more, but if he didn’t finish it in one sitting, he rarely found the time to continue.
A trip back to the kitchen would be necessary to make sure that the chloroform had indeed worked since Billy had no experience with it. He would check Joel’s pulse to make sure that it was slow enough to ensure him that his friend was unconscious, but not so slow as for him to fear for his friend. Staging everything would be the hardest parts. Everything from there was smooth sailing. All Billy would have to do would be to go down the street, park his car out front and get Joel in the car.
Half an hour later everything had gone just as he knew it would. Joel was sitting next to him, head propped gently against the window breathing as if he were asleep. Billy made sure to check on him to see that he was all right. On the highway he drove near 80 hoping the time it would take him to reach his destination would be cut considerably. Two stops were made. One to get food. Billy had planned carefully and brought everything he needed, but his ambition had lead him to overlook one such facet. The second was made to change Joel’s position at a tourist stop. He didn’t want Joel to be uncomfortable as they were riding. The last thing he needed was to wake up miserable, it would just make everything that was going to happen that much worse. Better that he be well rested and comfortable for when the time came.
It would make everything hit home harder to Benji.
Benji. Unfaithful lover. He had not called the previous night as he had promised. Of course, if Billy were to ever have the conversation, which he wouldn’t, asking him why, Benji would merely insist that he had called yet Billy was sleeping. As always, Billy would go along with it, as he did with all of Benji’s lies. Not any more. Everything would be laid out for all to see very soon. Joel, Paul and Benji would know that Billy, soft, quiet, meek, loving Billy was not one to have his emotions fucked with. They would learn never to take someone for granted again.
The miles between Billy and the small cottage up north was becoming shorter and shorter with each passing minute. Soon he was standing outside, just down the road. Joel was slowly beginning to awake. The sun was starting to set behind the huge trees. Dusk feel much sooner out here than it did anywhere else.
Time drew nearer and nearer.
Billy was not impatient. He waited for the moon to raise in the midst of the star studded sky. That is when it would begin.
Three moons later it would end.
-
Chapter 07
You know the feeling of being watched? It’s almost like a sixth sense. First the hairs on the back of your neck start to rise. Next, you begin to feel kind of uncomfortable. You start to fidget and you become nervous. At that point, you don’t really know what is going on. The only thing you do know is that something is bothering you. Lastly, you feel the eyes on you. Where ever they are, they are boring a hole in you. The back of your head is the most common.
It’s kind of a defense mechanism, probably among the last of our primal instincts meant for survival. What’s frightening is when you become so wrapped up in something that you don’t even notice.
The thrill of slipping away without Billy knowing where I was truly going excited me. Sleazy, I know. But Paul wanted some time away. He was sick of keeping the two of us a secret. What had started out as a mere fling, an experimentation on his part, soon turned into more. I found myself falling in love with Paul. Or maybe I was never in love with him. Maybe I just got off on the thrill of knowing that what we were doing was dangerous. There were so many times that we almost got caught. And every single time I would get this rush of adrenaline. I felt like I was invincible. Nothing could touch me, nothing could hurt me. I realize now how completely arrogant I had become.
The ultimate show of egotism was bringing Paul to the cabin. It had been Billy’s idea for us to spend a few days there in the close future, yet I had chosen to take Paul. My knees nearly gave out when I said goodbye to Billy, the way he was nibbling on my ear and talking about the x-rated phone conversations he wanted to have. Knowing that Paul was watching and that he could hear, I had to use all possible physical restraint to keep a blush from creeping up my cheeks.
It was nearly two hours before Paul and I met up. I went home with Joel and Paul went home himself. Joel didn’t say a word the whole ride home. I knew that he was mad at me, mad for what I was doing to Billy. “Joel…” He didn’t even turn to face me when I spoke. “I know you’re pissed off at me. You might even hate me right now.” My voice got low.
“Benji.” My twin’s voice was quiet but it was not in the least bit passive. “I don’t want to hear anything about it. I’m more than a little pissed off at you, but I don’t hate you. I hate what you’re doing to your boyfriend, who just happens to be one of my best friends and one of your best friends.” I opened my mouth to speak but he beat me to it. “What if he was doing it to you? What if Billy was cheating on you with Paul? You can’t honestly tell me that you wouldn’t expect me to not be pissed off at him. I’d probably beat the fuck out of him for hurting you.”
“You want to beat the fuck out of me?” I asked, my eyes narrowing a little.
The only answer I got was, “If we weren’t family…”
Biting my lip I got up and grabbed my things. Leaving now was just as good as any time. “Fuck you Joel. You want to be a little narc, then you go and tell Billy.” Standing there, he just shook his head at me with a bit of a sad smile.
“With what you’re doing to him, I wouldn’t make your life that simple. You’re going to tell him yourself. You’re going to have to watch his heart break in two. I will not be responsible for the mess you’ve made out of everything. The band is nothing compared to our friendships, but when you realized that you’ve fucked up all our friendships beyond repair, I hope you’re ready and willing to deal with it.”
I jumped into the car, throwing my stuff inside. I didn’t even look in the rearview mirror to see him standing there, arms folded across his chest. Blasting the radio I managed to clear my mind of all thoughts of guilt. Paul and I met up half an hour later, embracing and sharing a sweet kiss. We left for the cabin soon after and a few hours we arrived. The place was truly romantic. It was everything I had imagined that it would be and more.
For a moment I felt a spark of something. Could it have been guilt? Quickly I shoved it to the back of my mind. I didn’t want to let anything ruin the time that we were going to be having here. The few days we wouldn’t have to worry about being caught since the only person that we were here was Joel. Another pang of guilt bit at the bottom of my stomach for what I was putting Joel through.
“I’m so glad you suggested we come here, baby.” Paul wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck softly. I leaned back into his embrace, a smile playing at my lips. His lips gently traced a line from just underneath my ear to the end of my shoulder. I tried not to laugh when he poked his tongue out and traced small patterns. Only Joel and those who know or have known me intimately know how ticklish and sensitive my skin truly is.
As we made love that night, I noticed nothing. Not the eerie pair of eyes stealthily watching from the window. The noises from outside were disregarded as those made by animals or were not heard over the sounds Paul and I were making. Collapsing beside him, I smiled and pushed a piece of his hair from his face grinning widely. “I love you Paul.” He returned my love and soon we closed our eyes, laying in one another’s arms.
The next morning was spent lazing about. Another afternoon of lovemaking and romantic whispers ensued. Tired from our excursions and the incessant touring, we fell into one another’s arms once again. We promised each other that we would just lay down for a little while, and then we would get up and go outside and explore. Paul was the first to fall asleep and I soon followed suit.
I had no idea what would happen next. My dreams were oddly disturbing as I slept, whether it be from the guilt that was gnawing at the back of my mind or the chloroform that was used to keep me asleep, I’m not sure.
All I know is that the sight I awoke to was not something I ever expected to lay my eyes upon in all the years of life I had yet to live.
-
Chapter 08
Joel started to awake, his thoughts drifting slowly as if caught in slow motion. Somewhere at the back of his mind, a numb yet contradictory aching feeling was creeping up on him. Movement was sluggish, as he tried to lift a hand to wipe the sleep from his eyes. Time stretched on into forever as he finally pried his eyes open. Everything around him seemed harshly lit and stung his eyes, though he was able to tell it was particularly dark.
Every muscle in his body was stiff. He tried to stretch, but found himself challenged with doing so. Minutes had passed before his mind had caught up enough for him to wonder where in the hell he was. A few more minutes passed before he was able to register that he was in a car somewhere and it was night time, the stars dancing in the cool night sky.
Opening his mouth, Joel tried to speak, but found that his mouth was dry and his throat scratchy. The noise that left his lips was small and nearly inaudible, had anyone been able to hear him. His next task became trying to swallow and get moisture back into his mouth. Breathing in through his nose, a sweet chemical taste flooded his mouth and his nose, making the aching and numb feeling a little edgier. Shaking his head a bit he tried to rid the haze from his mind. Whatever it was that was making him sluggish like this was starting to frustrate him.
“Hey,” Joel turned his head to the sound of the familiar friendly voice, though he could not find its source.
“Billy?” The word was tiny, but better than his previous attempt. “W-what’s going on?” There was a slight pause in which Joel managed to right himself in the back of the car until he was sitting up more comfortably.
“I just want to tell you I’m sorry.” The guitarist’s voice was quiet and disturbingly calm considering Joel hadn’t any idea what he was talking about. Finally, the younger man turned from the front driver’s side seat, until Joel could just barely make out his features by the light of the moon hanging in the sky. “Everything is going to be all right. I promise. Just take my word for it.” Joel nodded, trusting his friend although he was unable to wrap his mind around what was going on. Billy turned from the older man and opened the car door, getting out. He came around to the side Joel was on and opened the door, helping his friend out of the car and to his feet.
“Where are we?” He questioned, not able to distinguish his surroundings from the darkness that enveloped them.
When there was no answer, Joel didn’t bother asking again. He had an eerie feeling that it would be better if he just didn’t say anything at all for the time being. Walking for a few minutes, his eyes eventually began adjusting to the lack of light until he could make out the path that they were following, though Billy knew it so well he didn’t have to look, he anticipated all the twists and turns before they were upon them. The woods, tall trees loomed over them and for a moment Joel couldn’t shake the feeling that he had seen this somewhere. Walking further still they came to a bit of a clearing in the trees, not a large one, but one all the same, and by squinting Joel could make out something ahead.
Things began to fit together that very moment. This darkness, these trees, that sky… he had seen it all before. The picture that Billy had drawn a few days ago. The cabin not too far ahead that they were heading towards. The cabin with the lights on and Joel could not understand why they were here for a moment. ‘Oh God…’
All bits of whatever had been clogging his mind seemed to dissipate at that very moment as his head quickly turned towards Billy. Feeling the other’s eyes upon him, the younger man turned, his eyes meeting his friends. Nothing was said. Joel knew that whatever was going to happen, he was helpless to prevent. But Billy knew that Benji and Paul were here and somehow he was aware that Joel knew too.
“I’m sorry…” the words left Joel’s chapped lips before he even knew he was thinking them. Billy nodded acknowledging his statement. All questions as to how he had ended up in Billy’s car and how he had gotten here vanished with the crash of thunder and clouds overtaking the sky and rain started to fall. Omens from the sky of things to come.
Reaching out, Billy turned the doorknob to the cabin and led Joel inside. The door was locked behind them. Obediently he followed Billy through the cabin. Standing back he motioned for Joel to open one of the doors, obviously leading to another room. Doing as his friend wished, he twisted the doorknob and pushed the door open entering it. There were no lights on, but he stepped forward so Billy could enter as well. He felt his friend close to him and heard a click, assuming that it was just the door closing, having no idea they were being locked in.
The light switch was hit and Joel had to momentarily shield his eyes from the sudden brightness. “Joel?” Benji croaked. Ears perking up, he turned to face his brother, squinting from the intensity of the light. His eyes widened when he realized what he was seeing. Benji was tied to a chair and Paul handcuffed to one side of the bed. His hands raised above him handcuffed to one bed post and his feet to the adjacent post.
Fear penetrated Joel’s body, all the way to his soul at the sight. Anticipating Joel’s fear, Billy grabbed him and lead him to the bed. Shocked and still somewhat disoriented, he didn’t offer much of a fight against his attacker. “Billy, please…” Paul started begging.
“Shut up!” Billy yelled. “I don’t want to hear it.” Joel was handcuffed to the opposite side of the bed, and Billy sat in a chair nearest the door. “All of you lied to me.” He stated simply. “And you…” he pointed a finger at Benji, “you fucking broke my heart in the worst of ways. Over who? One of my best friends.” Turning to Paul his eyes were cold. “One of my best friends. I fucking loved all of you, but the two of you went behind my back and none of you, not even Joel, had the decency to tell me.” Billy shook his head, almost sadly.
“I love you, please Billy…” Benji pleaded struggling against the ropes that held him down.
“Love me? Oh, he fucking loves me!” Billy yelled over dramatically standing up and knocking the chair he had been sitting in to the ground. “You hear that? The man who has been fucking my best friend for god knows how long loves me!” Placing his face mere inches from Benji’s he grinned. “Shouldn’t I feel so unbelievably special?” Billy spat at Benji’s feet. “That, that is how much I care about your loving me right now.”
“Billy… you’re not thinking clearly. We can all talk about this,” Joel spoke up. Despite the circumstances he sounded unusually calm. Detecting that any bit of emotion might set the younger man off, he tried to hold back all the fear he felt from tainting his request.
“You make it sound so simple.” Billy stated bitterly before taking on a girlish tone, “Oh let’s sit down and talk things over. Everything will be okay when we’re done and we’ll all kiss and hug and make up. And everything will be so swell. We’ll just forget the fact that the man you love has been a lying, cheating whore, and your best friends aren’t any better.” With a bitter laugh Billy shook his head. “Sorry, but that’s not happening.”
“I’m sorry Billy. It’s not Benji’s fault… it’s mine.” Paul pleaded, openly sobbing and truly afraid of what might happen.
“Oh you’re one to speak right now.” Ignoring the blonde man, he turned back to Benji. “Was it good?” Looking at him incredulously, Benji stayed silent. “I asked you a fucking question!” Knocking candles from their place on the mantle next to him, the glass holders shattered to tiny pieces, and Billy displayed the fact that he had no patience for any of them. “Tell me Benji…” Billy got close to his face once again. “Was he good? Was Paul a good fuck? Did he fuck you in all the right ways, or did you show him how?” Benji remained silent, tears coursing down his cheeks now. “He must have been pretty good for you to have been going behind my back all the time.” Leaning forward he force his lips onto Benji’s and kissed him before biting his lip hard enough to make it bleed. Billy lapped up his cheating lovers blood and kissed the spot.
“Billy, I don’t know what you’re hoping to accomplish with all of this…” Joel started.
“Don’t. Speak.” The look he received from Billy shut him up quickly. He was in no position to be making demands or verbally questioning the other’s motives.
Lazily he made his way over to the bed and sat down at the end. “I wonder…” Billy’s voice trailed off as he ran a finger down Paul’s leg. “What all the fuss is about. I mean, you must have a beer flavored dick or something or the tightest asshole for my dear sweet lover to turn his back on me.”
Shaking his head, Paul was trembling from fear. “N-no,” was the only word that escaped his lips. He was too frightened even to speak.
“Wonder what all the fuss was about.” Billy repeated, his hand moving up farther and massaging the fabric over Paul’s dick. “Joeld, do you know? Surely Benji‘s told you of his escapades. Is Paul equipped or what?” Cerulean eyes met deep brown ones, but Joel didn’t make any effort to look even interested in the question being asked of him. “Might as well find out for myself then, if no one‘s going to tell me.” He smiled a little continuing to rub his hand over the sensitive area. Billy stopped, climbing on the bed and straddling Paul’s knees. “Now let’s just see what it is that makes lover hump you dry.” The whimpers of protest from Paul did nothing to hinder Billy’s efforts at undoing his pants and pulling the boxers down along with them to his handcuffed ankles.
“Billy… please don’t do this.” The bassist’s eyes were bloodshot and his face was pink and puffy from crying. “You don’t want to do this…” For a moment, through his tears, he thought he was hesitation cross over Billy’s face. The look was gone just as quickly as it came leaving Paul unsure as to what it was he saw.
Saying nothing, one of Billy’s hands grasped Paul’s dick and worked at it until it was hard. Whimpering in protest, and hating his body for betraying him, Paul’s cheeks blazed with shame. Feeling completely humiliated and exposed, Paul tried his best to move his legs and cover himself, but he did not have the ability due to his position to help himself in the least.
Benji was watching, horrified by what was going on.
-
Chapter 09
There’s little to be said about what I did. Nothing ingenious, terribly clever or the likes. Handcuffs, duct tape, rope and chloroform. Four simple little things accomplished everything I needed for the first hours.
My eyes fell to the body beneath me. Blonde hair falling messily about, pale eyes so full of fear… fear of me, of what I might do. Smiling, I shot Paul a questioning glance. “You need to relax, you’re tense.” Working his dick with my left hand, the right served another purpose, instead teasing his nipples. My dark hair fell forward into my eyes as I leaned forward, until the ends were brushing up against his stomach. Slowly I flicked out my tongue, coming in contact with his skin sensitive skin until I came to rest just shy of his dick.
Fingers expertly worked at my button and zipper, pulling my pants off leaving my boxers not far behind. At the sight of my naked body, Paul tensed up more and started lashing about. “Oh, Paul…” I cooed. “Struggling is only going to make this more painful for you. I’m even going to do you a favor.” Producing the key to the handcuffs, I undid the ones around Paul’s ankles before walking over to the mantel and placing the keys down there where neither of them could reach it.
I almost regretted uncuffing Paul’s feet because he started flailing about a lot worse. Climbing on the bed I pinned his legs and then held them until I had kneeled in between them, hooking his knees over my shoulders.
“Billy…” came his choked plea. “I swear to God I’ll do anything you ask of me! Just let me go,” really it was quite pathetic. The begging, the crying, the sniffling. Such signs of weakness.
Lover cried out as well, sobbing and asking me not to do it. “Billy, Billy don’t… Please Billy, it’s not his fault. It’s mine. Please, just leave them alone. Joel and Paul had nothing to do with the decisions I made…” I turned for a moment and stared into his eyes feeling nothing but sadness for the decisions he had made. Inadvertently he destroyed everything around him.
Here I am, my heart ripped from my chest and stomped on in the worst of ways. And they ask me to stop. Lover wishes me to stop. For a second he looks hopeful and I smile at him. I spit in my hand and shove in Paul with one swift motion. Unintentionally, my eyes roll to the back of my head and I let out a small moan. He feels so good around me. I fit inside of him perfectly.
Leaning down I kiss Paul, my lips meeting his in a harsh kiss that lasted only moments. Movements swift inside of him, there is no stopping the grunts of satisfaction. At first Paul’s face is contorted in pain but eventually, even though I know he doesn’t want to, his face reveals his pleasure and soon he stars moaning. The look in lover’s eyes, past the liquid depression dripping known as tears and the red streaks we know as being bloodshot, is absolutely mortified.
“Oh God…” And I know that Paul wants to sound as if he’s in pain. I know he wants to hate me, and I know that he does. Even so, at the moment I’m giving him something that his body is telling him that he needs. It might be sex. It might be rape. Whatever it is he enjoyed it in some way. My hands gripped his shoulders, until they left white outlines, still, I gripped them tighter.
Surprisingly, my mind was completely clear and comprehensive. It was nothing like any other pre-orgasmic state I had ever been in. My eyes met Joel. His body was cowering on the other side of the bed, moved as far as he possibly could away from us. Until he felt my gaze upon them, both of his eyes had been clenched impossibly tight. When they opened he stared into my eyes and all I could see was a sadness. Somehow he saw inside of me. And I knew, I knew at that second he understood my pain.
Turning back to Paul, I thrust inside of him harder. I crossed the line from bringing him pleasure, to mixing every burst of pleasure with pauses of excruciating pain in between. All I could focus on was my own animal instinct and directing all my feelings, though there were too many to name and too many I have yet to name, towards my release.
With a mix of blood, sweat, tears, and emotional ties that could never be repaired, I came long and hard.
At that moment my eyes locked with Benji, and as I collapsed on top of Paul panting. A crack of lightning and the drops of rain rang through the house and at that second he ceased being my lover.
-
Look for more very soon!!! ;o)
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PLEASE NOTE: That one posting area is not large enough to contain all chapters so the following post has chapters 10 and up.