(no subject)
we took separate cars to the funeral. crystal rode with my mom and jim, and nicole and kyle rode with me. we drove my nana's car out to the cemetery. we were blasting some weird country music and making up fake lyrics about how our wives left us and we were taking a week off from our construction jobs so we could drive our pick-up trucks out for a week-long fishing excursion to do some thinkin'. and that's just what nana would have wanted us to be doing. okay, not that SPECIFICALLY- but celebrating, laughing, having fun.
she looked great- the morticians did a really great job. the funeral was surreal. my dad even showed up with my grandparents, two of my aunts, some of my cousins, and second-cousins.
brandon showed up, and i sort of freaked out a little bit. i saw him watching me. my mother was very clear with him about why i didn't want to see him. he was respecting my wishes from about thirty feet away. and he was watching me. and i was shaking inside.
we eventually ended up standing a lot closer to each other than i was comfortable with. but he was right there, and he was staring at me. i walked over to shake his hand, but he just wrapped his arms around me and i held him back. i wanted to kick him, punch him, make him hurt- but i couldn't. we just stood there and held each other.
'she's with papa now,' he said as he rested his chin on my head.
sheri and i both said some words after the sermon. i was surprisingly very cool, calm, collected. sheri was beautiful and blubbering. i rested my hand on the small of her back as she struggled through her piece. 'i scoured the internet for a poem that would fit this occasion,' she beamed into the mic. 'i thought jack kerouac or robert frost would have a real zinger for me.'
it was so hard to walk away from my nana's casket. we just fucking left her there in an overpriced box that would later be lowered into a hole and buried in soil. i guess i feel like she is still alive. i saw her there, cold and stiff. i even touched her body, kissed her chest, ran my fingers through her hair. but she didn't seem dead to me, and she still doesn't.
about thirty of us had lunch together after the funeral. sheri and i sat across from each other and rattled on and on about life over cheap white wine. she and my aunt bonnie came over to our place later on in the evening. we all had the most refreshing conversations. bonnie and sheri are just amazing women- very pleasant to be around.
at one point, sheri and i were talking about religion. i said, 'NO SEX UNTIL MARRIAGE,' catching myself in the act of reciting a front 242 sample, but not acknowledging it out loud because... well, sheri was never into them, right? wrong. she caught the sample. and then she told me that she used to work out to ministry's land of rape and honey. and she was singing 'stigmata' to me. she was doing the 'chewing on glass and eating my fingers' hand gestures and everything.
if sheri were not my half cousin, i think i would have proposed to her right then and there. i mean, we ARE only half cousins and i'm SURE we could get away with something like this... in tennessee or something? but we would just disgrace the family. maybe we can just be industrial work-out buddies.
i love her crooked teeth and her crooked smile. if i look this good when i am her age, i'll be a happy camper. she's freaking thirty eight.
uhh, i totally have that shirt. target. just saying.
i got brandon's contact information from my family. we had a short conversation and tried to make plans to get together before i leave. i said, 'you obviously know that i had mixed feelings about seeing you, and you obviously know why. but i think i'm ready to just like, sit down and talk about it. it's a strange conversation to have, but i think we can figure it out.' he agreed. he said that we should definitely remain a part of each other's lives since we were so close in our younger years. here, here.
he's actually a hip-hop artist, and he's got a gig at CLUB ANYTHING this friday. yeah. at the goth club i spent many, many drunk hours at. too funny. i enjoyed peeking at his myspace, in all its 'cash money' glory-especially because i know for a FACT that he asked my nana to borrow fifteen hundred dollars earlier this month. next time i see a gangstah spoutin' off about all his billz and his bling, i will know in my heart that he too probably still asks his nana to borrow a g or so once in a while.
i won't get a chance to meet up with him tomorrow, but we can do the phone and e-mail thing for now. i honestly can't imagine anyone else on the planet saying, 'dude. i know you molested me. but do you want to like, go out for a drink, talk about it, and catch up on each other's lives?' i am not just a strong woman- i am invincible. and i am going to be just fine.
she looked great- the morticians did a really great job. the funeral was surreal. my dad even showed up with my grandparents, two of my aunts, some of my cousins, and second-cousins.
brandon showed up, and i sort of freaked out a little bit. i saw him watching me. my mother was very clear with him about why i didn't want to see him. he was respecting my wishes from about thirty feet away. and he was watching me. and i was shaking inside.
we eventually ended up standing a lot closer to each other than i was comfortable with. but he was right there, and he was staring at me. i walked over to shake his hand, but he just wrapped his arms around me and i held him back. i wanted to kick him, punch him, make him hurt- but i couldn't. we just stood there and held each other.
'she's with papa now,' he said as he rested his chin on my head.
sheri and i both said some words after the sermon. i was surprisingly very cool, calm, collected. sheri was beautiful and blubbering. i rested my hand on the small of her back as she struggled through her piece. 'i scoured the internet for a poem that would fit this occasion,' she beamed into the mic. 'i thought jack kerouac or robert frost would have a real zinger for me.'
it was so hard to walk away from my nana's casket. we just fucking left her there in an overpriced box that would later be lowered into a hole and buried in soil. i guess i feel like she is still alive. i saw her there, cold and stiff. i even touched her body, kissed her chest, ran my fingers through her hair. but she didn't seem dead to me, and she still doesn't.
about thirty of us had lunch together after the funeral. sheri and i sat across from each other and rattled on and on about life over cheap white wine. she and my aunt bonnie came over to our place later on in the evening. we all had the most refreshing conversations. bonnie and sheri are just amazing women- very pleasant to be around.
at one point, sheri and i were talking about religion. i said, 'NO SEX UNTIL MARRIAGE,' catching myself in the act of reciting a front 242 sample, but not acknowledging it out loud because... well, sheri was never into them, right? wrong. she caught the sample. and then she told me that she used to work out to ministry's land of rape and honey. and she was singing 'stigmata' to me. she was doing the 'chewing on glass and eating my fingers' hand gestures and everything.
if sheri were not my half cousin, i think i would have proposed to her right then and there. i mean, we ARE only half cousins and i'm SURE we could get away with something like this... in tennessee or something? but we would just disgrace the family. maybe we can just be industrial work-out buddies.
i love her crooked teeth and her crooked smile. if i look this good when i am her age, i'll be a happy camper. she's freaking thirty eight.
uhh, i totally have that shirt. target. just saying.
i got brandon's contact information from my family. we had a short conversation and tried to make plans to get together before i leave. i said, 'you obviously know that i had mixed feelings about seeing you, and you obviously know why. but i think i'm ready to just like, sit down and talk about it. it's a strange conversation to have, but i think we can figure it out.' he agreed. he said that we should definitely remain a part of each other's lives since we were so close in our younger years. here, here.
he's actually a hip-hop artist, and he's got a gig at CLUB ANYTHING this friday. yeah. at the goth club i spent many, many drunk hours at. too funny. i enjoyed peeking at his myspace, in all its 'cash money' glory-especially because i know for a FACT that he asked my nana to borrow fifteen hundred dollars earlier this month. next time i see a gangstah spoutin' off about all his billz and his bling, i will know in my heart that he too probably still asks his nana to borrow a g or so once in a while.
i won't get a chance to meet up with him tomorrow, but we can do the phone and e-mail thing for now. i honestly can't imagine anyone else on the planet saying, 'dude. i know you molested me. but do you want to like, go out for a drink, talk about it, and catch up on each other's lives?' i am not just a strong woman- i am invincible. and i am going to be just fine.