(no subject)
Meh.
That pretty much sums up how a feel about everything right now. Why is it so hard to care? I can only get so far into something before the fear of failure/getting hurt has me closing off, freaking out, then becoming completely apathetic.
School: I want to do well so badly, but for what purpose. The looming ever-presence of the unknown future keeps me from wanting to open my eyes and face what might be right in front of me. The motivation I once had is gone...poof...to God knows where. I am still as critical of myself, but have to ambition to try and fix things. I am freaking out because I think I have shot myself in the foot. What I mean to say is that I think I really do want to go to med school, I was just to afraid to actually admit it before. There is no way I would be able to go now though, I have fucked up my GPA so badly it is beyond repair. I let fear dictate what I thought I wanted then did a damn good job of justifying my poor performance. So, now what? Do I try and figure out how to repair the damage? Do I go balls to the walls now? Or is it all beyond hope, would that energy be better spent somewhere else?
Roller Derby: Fun? Yes. Worthwhile? Yes. As soon as I started falling in love with it and gaining a shit ton of responsibility did I fuck it up? Yes. Even though my team has been kicking much ass I can only focus on the one time we didn't have it together. The prospect of losing on Sunday has be not caring at all. My body is stiff and sore. I keep letting the jammer get past me, my head isn't in the game. I am so tired everyday that I find myself missing practice and failing to skate full-out.
The Band: Meh. I would say I am mediocre at best...and I doubt I am going to improve beyond that. I can't get loud enough for anyone to hear me so what is the point? I feel like there is going to be a big hype and a bigger let down. Everyone keeps telling me "Just wait till you play a live show, just wait." Wait to fall flat on my face? Wait to realize that I suck? Wait to see expressions on people's faces when I fuck up (assuming they can hear)? Wait for the rest of the band to realize that I am not as good as they think I am? Yeah...I dunno. I am not a singer and not a writer. This was a fun idea in theory.
Work: Well, after being molested it really hasn't been the same. The day after the incident I turned my boss down and he has been a prick ever since. I don't get time off, I have to do stupid shit, he belittles me in front of patients and other staff members. I don't use my brain there. I am bored. I get paid a pittance that has me living on a credit card.
Boys: ahhahhahah. The old growing up issues are coming out in full force. After being asked about my hot friend (any one of them, cause they are all damn hott ;)!!!) for the millionth time and never hearing about one person asking about me has me waving my middle finger in the air whie shoveling Haugen-Daas into my mouth with the free arm. The getting to close not wanting to get hurt thing is usually an issue for me, but right now it isn't even that. It is purely a "what the fuck is wrong with me that cute guys don't ask me out" thing. Trivial I know, but fuck it, I like it. I borderline need the attention to feel attractive. I am sure PMS, gaining 10 pounds and being stressed out doesn't help any...grrrr, I think my original plan of becoming a cat lady still stands.
That pretty much sums up how a feel about everything right now. Why is it so hard to care? I can only get so far into something before the fear of failure/getting hurt has me closing off, freaking out, then becoming completely apathetic.
School: I want to do well so badly, but for what purpose. The looming ever-presence of the unknown future keeps me from wanting to open my eyes and face what might be right in front of me. The motivation I once had is gone...poof...to God knows where. I am still as critical of myself, but have to ambition to try and fix things. I am freaking out because I think I have shot myself in the foot. What I mean to say is that I think I really do want to go to med school, I was just to afraid to actually admit it before. There is no way I would be able to go now though, I have fucked up my GPA so badly it is beyond repair. I let fear dictate what I thought I wanted then did a damn good job of justifying my poor performance. So, now what? Do I try and figure out how to repair the damage? Do I go balls to the walls now? Or is it all beyond hope, would that energy be better spent somewhere else?
Roller Derby: Fun? Yes. Worthwhile? Yes. As soon as I started falling in love with it and gaining a shit ton of responsibility did I fuck it up? Yes. Even though my team has been kicking much ass I can only focus on the one time we didn't have it together. The prospect of losing on Sunday has be not caring at all. My body is stiff and sore. I keep letting the jammer get past me, my head isn't in the game. I am so tired everyday that I find myself missing practice and failing to skate full-out.
The Band: Meh. I would say I am mediocre at best...and I doubt I am going to improve beyond that. I can't get loud enough for anyone to hear me so what is the point? I feel like there is going to be a big hype and a bigger let down. Everyone keeps telling me "Just wait till you play a live show, just wait." Wait to fall flat on my face? Wait to realize that I suck? Wait to see expressions on people's faces when I fuck up (assuming they can hear)? Wait for the rest of the band to realize that I am not as good as they think I am? Yeah...I dunno. I am not a singer and not a writer. This was a fun idea in theory.
Work: Well, after being molested it really hasn't been the same. The day after the incident I turned my boss down and he has been a prick ever since. I don't get time off, I have to do stupid shit, he belittles me in front of patients and other staff members. I don't use my brain there. I am bored. I get paid a pittance that has me living on a credit card.
Boys: ahhahhahah. The old growing up issues are coming out in full force. After being asked about my hot friend (any one of them, cause they are all damn hott ;)!!!) for the millionth time and never hearing about one person asking about me has me waving my middle finger in the air whie shoveling Haugen-Daas into my mouth with the free arm. The getting to close not wanting to get hurt thing is usually an issue for me, but right now it isn't even that. It is purely a "what the fuck is wrong with me that cute guys don't ask me out" thing. Trivial I know, but fuck it, I like it. I borderline need the attention to feel attractive. I am sure PMS, gaining 10 pounds and being stressed out doesn't help any...grrrr, I think my original plan of becoming a cat lady still stands.