Stupid Dan!
For those of you who don't know, Dan is my best buddy from high school (to put it hilariously lightly!). A few months ago, he and his wife totally had a baby! And me, I can mostly take or leave babies, but little Danny III is actually a seriously cool baby. He was chill, quick to laugh, and if he wanted to shift or stand up, he would just quietly thrash around his tiny, surprisingly strong little body until he or someone nearby set him up in the position he desired. I respected that.
But the best part was when the three of us went out to sushi at Mana, which, for those of you poor wretches not in the know, if the mystical fount from which all lesser sushi springs. Dan was still slowly getting over his envy over my full manly beard in stark contrast to his amusing pre-pubescent scruff he was sporting at the time, and I was doing my best to console him that fathering a child was pretty masculine, too. At any rate, he was getting Danny out of the backseat, and asked me if I could carry his diaper-bag, to which I gleefully assented: "Only if you call me 'honey!'" "Yeah, I figured it would complete the illusion," he sighed with due resignation.
And then there we were, enjoying our sushi, Dan having the audacity to express surprise about the singular flavor sensation he was experiencing for the first time as if there was a chance I didn't know what the hell I was talking about when it comes to sushi, when WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN but a weirdie guy eating alone next to Dan leaned over and asked, "Excuse me, can I ask you a personal question?"
To which Dan replied, "Uh, sure?" because he had to, as I found myself distracted by MY HEART BURSTING IN MY CHEST FROM SHEER UNMITIGATED JOY.
"Are you two raising the baby together?"
There was a pause as Dan gave me the opportunity to answer in the affirmative, but since I was just sitting there grinning at the ceiling in a kind of blissful catatonia, "No, I'm married. ...To a woman." Then he started going on at the inquisitive fellow for an excessive length of time about some stupid factoid about a person legally marrying a rock, because he's still Dan, and sure, I could've made up a whole beautiful gay family love story on the spot, but it was just enough for me that SOMEONE ASKED!
"Oh, let's run away together! Just the three of us!"
"Can I still be a stay-at-home dad?"
"As long as you have dinner and sex waiting for me when I get home!"
"Well, I can't cook, so I don't know about dinner..."
But, as usual, everything with Dan turns from beautiful promise to bitter ashes. Upon my return to Portland, he called me to ask the name of the particularly fantastic sushi roll we enjoyed on our gay family night out. So not only did he have the GALL to CHEAT ON ME at Mana with his WIFE AND CHILD, and not only did he drag poor delicious KEVIN into this sordid mess, but he had the audacity to CALL AND TELL ME ABOUT IT! He said he'd take a picture of him and Kevin and send it to me, but that was but the latest in a litany of lies and emotional abuse.
Also one time I called him when I was out for a walk and he went on for like twenty minutes about breaking up a dog fight while holding a baby in one arm.
Finally, and most recently, Dan called me from some kind of pub trivia night requesting a team name that would be a.) clever, b.) awesome, and c.) understood and appreciated by the particular element with which he chose to surround himself that particular evening. Needless to say, I confessed that I couldn't help him, because a.) I tend to choke when I'm asked to be clever and awesome on command, and b.) it was Dan so who cares. He asked me to text him if I thought of anything, and it cost me nothing to say I would.
I noticed he'd called and left me a voicemail at like ten PM that night, and it wasn't until the next morning that I worked up the effort to listen to the voicemail and begin this text exchange:
"Oh my god, you totally pocket-called me at 10:00 PM last night! No wonder you have no friends!"
"You liked it"
"'Awww, five minutes' worth of garbled crowd noises. That Dan, always helping me to feel so included!'"
"Or a little taste of what its like inside my pants. Yes there really is a party down there"
So to sum up, I don't think Dan should be allowed to have a phone anymore. Thoughts?
But the best part was when the three of us went out to sushi at Mana, which, for those of you poor wretches not in the know, if the mystical fount from which all lesser sushi springs. Dan was still slowly getting over his envy over my full manly beard in stark contrast to his amusing pre-pubescent scruff he was sporting at the time, and I was doing my best to console him that fathering a child was pretty masculine, too. At any rate, he was getting Danny out of the backseat, and asked me if I could carry his diaper-bag, to which I gleefully assented: "Only if you call me 'honey!'" "Yeah, I figured it would complete the illusion," he sighed with due resignation.
And then there we were, enjoying our sushi, Dan having the audacity to express surprise about the singular flavor sensation he was experiencing for the first time as if there was a chance I didn't know what the hell I was talking about when it comes to sushi, when WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN but a weirdie guy eating alone next to Dan leaned over and asked, "Excuse me, can I ask you a personal question?"
To which Dan replied, "Uh, sure?" because he had to, as I found myself distracted by MY HEART BURSTING IN MY CHEST FROM SHEER UNMITIGATED JOY.
"Are you two raising the baby together?"
There was a pause as Dan gave me the opportunity to answer in the affirmative, but since I was just sitting there grinning at the ceiling in a kind of blissful catatonia, "No, I'm married. ...To a woman." Then he started going on at the inquisitive fellow for an excessive length of time about some stupid factoid about a person legally marrying a rock, because he's still Dan, and sure, I could've made up a whole beautiful gay family love story on the spot, but it was just enough for me that SOMEONE ASKED!
"Oh, let's run away together! Just the three of us!"
"Can I still be a stay-at-home dad?"
"As long as you have dinner and sex waiting for me when I get home!"
"Well, I can't cook, so I don't know about dinner..."
But, as usual, everything with Dan turns from beautiful promise to bitter ashes. Upon my return to Portland, he called me to ask the name of the particularly fantastic sushi roll we enjoyed on our gay family night out. So not only did he have the GALL to CHEAT ON ME at Mana with his WIFE AND CHILD, and not only did he drag poor delicious KEVIN into this sordid mess, but he had the audacity to CALL AND TELL ME ABOUT IT! He said he'd take a picture of him and Kevin and send it to me, but that was but the latest in a litany of lies and emotional abuse.
Also one time I called him when I was out for a walk and he went on for like twenty minutes about breaking up a dog fight while holding a baby in one arm.
Finally, and most recently, Dan called me from some kind of pub trivia night requesting a team name that would be a.) clever, b.) awesome, and c.) understood and appreciated by the particular element with which he chose to surround himself that particular evening. Needless to say, I confessed that I couldn't help him, because a.) I tend to choke when I'm asked to be clever and awesome on command, and b.) it was Dan so who cares. He asked me to text him if I thought of anything, and it cost me nothing to say I would.
I noticed he'd called and left me a voicemail at like ten PM that night, and it wasn't until the next morning that I worked up the effort to listen to the voicemail and begin this text exchange:
"Oh my god, you totally pocket-called me at 10:00 PM last night! No wonder you have no friends!"
"You liked it"
"'Awww, five minutes' worth of garbled crowd noises. That Dan, always helping me to feel so included!'"
"Or a little taste of what its like inside my pants. Yes there really is a party down there"
So to sum up, I don't think Dan should be allowed to have a phone anymore. Thoughts?